| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/24/2008 10:09:52 PM |
why would I even consider crossing the bridge when I came to it?
The same reason you did the other two times. You love the woman and it's important to you.
Honestly, the thought of marriage comes up and I think, "what are you, frigging nuts? Didnt you freaking LEARN anything from those two? "
Marriage is not a living thing. Technically anyway. It does evolve and take shape in ways sometimes you can't imagine, but generally the core purpose is committment to another person in a legal form. Unless you're Church-going folk, in which case it means much more than that.
"Didn't you freaking learn anything from those two?" Well, I would hope ya did. What you should've learned is not that your marriage changed, but rather the people did. Or perhaps no one changed, but you just found out who the person really was instead of who you thought they were. Lotta factors involved.
Marriage is a gamble. No two ways about it. You just have to decide if it's important enough to gamble on again.
For me? I don't give it much thought. Committment is committment and I can commit without a piece of a paper. But, I would never say never to marriage because I know better than to swear it off entirely. I just see that marriage is something to be decided on by both parties involved and since I'm a solo party at the moment, no reason to get myself bent about "what if".
If it's mainly a financial reason that would stop you? Get a prenup. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:43:53 AM |
I dated a VERY wealthy woman for almost two years that ended last year. Anyone I told her about, they immediately asked, "Damn, why didnt you marry her?" .... and it's funny because she did want to marry, but I never gave that a second though.
Ok that blew me away, you didnt marry her cause? The point the other poster was trying to make is how unfair it is to be saying you want a long term relationship when in fact you dont want one if that would mean marriage...it is misleading to anyone you get involved with and it isnt cause anyone thinks you are a bad guy. You just havent healed to the point where you should be considering a long term relationship IMO. Based on what you said here money isnt the issue, just sounds like you are using money as a roadblock. If you get married again or not it wont effect me just hate to see you get hurt again or to hurt someone. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 8:18:23 AM | I guess the thing with me and marriage is that i wont live with someone unless we are married, there folks i said it. i just think its wrong and doing wrong is not something i want to willingly do again. would i be happy in a ltr without cohabitation? sure. i have no problem with that , in fact i am not even going to settle into a ltr without really thinking this is the one. i am an old parrothead at this point and dont want to waste my remaining years. i have said in other posts that a companion, be they spouse or not, make the good times better, the bad times more bearable and the work load halved.
as for the divorce rate the 75 is accurate for second marriages. why, becasue most folks remarry way to soon before the scars are healed. the rule of thumb is you need at least one month for every year of marriage. double that if you had kids or infidelity involved, triple it if you had both. my second marriage did me in because i did not follow what i knew to be true. third marriages divorce rates are MUCH lower. why, because we live and learn. I am not going to quote stats because i have been out of the biz for a while and dont know the current ones. but as a rule third marriages are much lower.
I am sorry if i implied your reasons for not wanting to marry were in any way selfish, that was not my intent. as stated you seem to be, by your posts at any rate, a thoughtful and honest man with a good head on your shoulders. i would also never tell a person to follow the path in life i choose for me, my path is my business and my path alone (unless i partner up).
last i have to say that while i lost a lot of stuff it was just that, stuff. in my first marriage i had it all. four houses, three cars, two kids, pool in the back yard. the whole bit. AND I WAS MISERABLE. stuff is nice and sometimes i would like to have more, but what you own owns you, and that is what god was trying to get through my thick parrothead. stuff will never make you happy.
i hope you find that ltr your looking for stefano.  | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 8:21:42 AM | | now moonchild when have you ever done the safe thing? it dont fit you somehow | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 8:23:03 AM | | You know saphireeyes its amzaing how you can get in my head and we never met. thanks for making that point clear for me. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:06:32 AM | IMHO - marriage is a crock. It creates a myriad of so-called lifetime expectations that somehow end up replacing the real day-to-day relationship...and then everyone gets all bitter and twisted when the expectations don't work out, when the reason they didn't work out was because they lived a relationship based on expectations instead of reality.
As I see it now, marriage serves no REAL purpose - some might say it's an act of commitment but very clearly it isn't - so what it really is, is a social facade, a legal construct, a fake security blanket and a distraction from what really does matter between two people, which is their day-to-day interactions and attention to each other.
Maybe just maybe...if people didn't have this fake security blanket telling them they have a "lifetime partner" then maybe they would put more focus on making the relationship work each and every day. Like a rock climber who climbs without a rope, who makes sure that each move matters.
I'm sure my view is in the extreme minority but that's OK by me - personally I think that marriage is a flawed and damaging concept that serves to destroy most relationships rather than enhance them. For me it's NEVER AGAIN because I want my next relationship to be better, deeper and more meaningful and with no false lifetime assumptions based on some silly ceremony. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:29:30 AM | I don't think marriage is a crock, but I don't think many people are realistic about what it takes to make a marriage work or what you should consider about your partner or what you should ask your partner before you enter the fine institution called marriage.
I think what floors me the most is reading the stories about men who have been taken to the cleaners not once but twice. Did you not learn anything the first time?
Any decent person who is of sound character with morals and ethics should not have a problem with providing a potential marriage partner with a full financial disclosure, especially if you are over 40. If they do, it should be a huge red flag for you.
Once both parties have disclosed their finances even if there are flaws or debt at least it is honest and out in the open, there won’t be any surprises down the road, doesn’t this seem like a smart idea to try before entering into something that is suppose to be a life time commitment?
If you choose not to require this financial disclosure and you marry the cabana boy because of how he looks in his Speedo or the little hottie because how she knows how to treat her man and down the road you get taken for everything you have how can you blame anyone other than yourself? | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:33:56 AM |
now moonchild when have you ever done the safe thing? it dont fit you somehow
^^^ It doesn't Mr. P? lol....Good observation! | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:36:15 AM |
As I see it now, marriage serves no REAL purpose - some might say it's an act of commitment but very clearly it isn't - so what it really is, is a social facade, a legal construct, a fake security blanket and a distraction from what really does matter between two people, which is their day-to-day interactions and attention to each other.
HERE HERE!!!! LOL! "marriage" is the only thing I know of where 2 people who like each other get together so they can do their WORST to each other....and feel secure about it! We buy a new car....we want to wash it every week, wax, vacuum, same with a house, boat. We buy a new dress....we want to wear it out somewhere....show off. We get married....so we don't have to maintain or show off anything....and think that the "legal contract" makes us secure!
For me it's NEVER AGAIN because I want my next relationship to be better, deeper and more meaningful and with no false lifetime assumptions based on some silly ceremony. YUP! 'cause once they grab the brass ring (the prize) that's when all the efforting stops, no more maintaining the relationship, no more trying to communicate or to be interesting, no more taking care of themselves, no more considering how you ever feel about anything. You betcha! I'd trade a lousy "secure" marriage for an "insecure" GREAT relationship any day of the week! | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:22:58 PM | parrothead, thanks for the good wishes.
I'm not into the accumulation of "stuff", though I do collect antiques .....there is stability, security, consistency, being able to plan, expect, anticipate, know ... and in my case, being able to pass things on to my offspring and my grandchildren so they will have security and stability, too ... in other words, to build something up that is lasting and good.
If I had a woman that was like a rock to me, that I could count on thoroughly, who helped us save and manage rather than spend and mismanage, build with me instead of destroy what I build, and who I knew absolutely without a shadow of a doubt that our marriage was for life........I wouldnt be writing this, I'd be looking for her.
The problem is, for me, given my experience and given I have had no such experience with such a woman, which should I believe.....what I have experienced or go with my wishes? I only have my experience to look at, those are tangible.
Anyway, if and when I do marry, I will be very, very careful this time around and protect myself as much as I possibly can, that is for sure ....... so I am not saying never, just trying to state the case for men over 45 who feel burned and bitter and don;t wish to go through it all again, how and what we think, etc.
Oh, and hey, enjoy that third bankruptcy you're cruising for now, hear?  | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:10:32 AM | | Sadly Luv 2, i dont think you are in the minority of folks in the over 45 bracket. if you are its a minority by only a small ammount. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:11:30 AM | | Just stating the obvious moonchild. how could anyone with a name (cool and hippie chick like) be one to play it safe? | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:17:27 AM | | In a way stef I am cruising for it and enjoying it. I no longer feel tied to stuff and am looking forward to the judge saying you have to pay this much to pay back the creditors for this long without interest. thank you your honor. i cut up the credit cards and live on my salary. i do wish you well my friend. and have felt exactly as you have but (this is a big but for me) i learned a long time ago that every problem i ever had i was there. i picked the bad women for me and i made the decisons that helped bomb my first marriage. with that invaluable learning i think i can do this right this time. i agree with you about the ltr thing too. my hope/belief about the next relationship goes like this. we meet, we go out a few times, we like each other. we decide to try being exclusive and see how it goes. we date exclusively for a period of time and then we talk about forever. by then we have pretty much setteled everything else. by the way i also agree with you about passing stuff on to your kids. the stuff i have has more sentimental than monetary value but i broach that subject with people early on if the relationship seems to be building. i have met some folks that worked it out and have had one of the partners die and the stuff was passed on as the deceased wished and the joint property sold when the other partner passed. it can be done. i hope you find what your looking for. you got a good head on your shoulders and a good heart as well. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:20:52 PM | | it depends on what you are looking for ... if you are just looking for a good time with no commitment then there is no problem ... but if you are truly looking for more that leads to commitment and marriage then you better listen and not walk but run .... other wise you are wasting your time and energy ... people tend to hear what they want to hear and women tend to think they can change a mans mind or be different that the previous woman was ... get real ladies and forget the fairy tales ... | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 4:41:24 PM | Nope you are wrong taidoka. At least if MONEY is involved. The attorneys win. The one with the most money for the attorney wins... hands down.
Now, with the lower income and money cannot buy anyone off you might me right... don't know about that. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:09:11 PM | | It isn't limited to any certain area, trust me there are plenty of men like that in North Carolina. If marriage is what you want and you meet a man that says he will never get married again, why waste your time on him? You won't change his mind and he will just break your heart. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:15:25 PM | parrothead, well, thanks for the kind note.........and as Jack Nicholson said in As Good As It Gets........."you know, that thing you do? If that did it for me, I'd be the luckiest guy in the world..."
You have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders, too.
Just be careful out there.  | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:57:28 PM | | I,myself,wish to find someone that I can love,again. I truly miss this. I was never into dating just to date. My intention was to fall in love,raise a family,and retire happy. Well...I succeeded in the first two,the marriage and retiring happy just didn't happen. I know I'm not alone,as the present divorce rate shows. It's tougher now. I'd like to be in love,again,but family I've already got . My original goal has changed. I'm not in my 20's anymore;nor is she. When I meet someone now,I feel like...been there,done that. If my next love wishes to marry,I'm not opposed to it,but if she doesn't mention it,I won't either. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:26:20 PM | Anyone that's lived past the age of 30 has had to experinced pain in some fashion or form.I've seen that lost look from people going through divorces and I know from personal experince it is'nt fun.
I'm thinking that as the average male ages,he's not willing to risk as much any more because we all get in our comfortable zone and therefor,step alot more carefully before we act out or even speak. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/26/2008 9:28:47 PM | | we all have to learn how to lose be fore we can ever learn how to win. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/27/2008 9:01:02 AM | | Very good way to put that Mr. Fussion! I think each lesson learned lets us be stronger, wiser, more prepared for perhaps the next relationship? If we are bitter, too afraid, or are simply held back, we will remain stagnant and lonely. Certainly not where I wish to find myself at the end of the road. I would love to find true love again, least one more time before things end on this planet.! | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/27/2008 9:58:57 AM | It is not just the guys who get raw deals in divorce court these days. I know from first-hand experience. I have not given up on finding the right person, but marriage is not something I would consider again because there are too many automatic financial losses associated with divorce, losses on both side, depending on how the judge feels that day.
Because many laws on property division now include domestic partnerships, I would not consider living with anyone without a signed property division agreement, and always separate financial arrangements "Never the money shall mingle"
Love is a wonderful, amazing, overwhelming, beautiful, crazy, marvelous thing and I look forward to having it again in my life someday. I just plan to be smarter and protect myself and all that I work so hard for. I don't see anything wrong with that at all  | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/30/2008 2:14:30 PM | | Thanks stefano, its always good to have praise from the praiseworthy and good wishes from friends. one of the little things that makes life worth living. | |
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/30/2008 4:03:20 PM | Sadly Luv 2, i dont think you are in the minority of folks in the over 45 bracket. if you are its a minority by only a small ammount.
Nothin' "sad" about it Parrothead - frankly I find it liberating and empowering to realise that I don't need an artificial legal construct to define me and/or my relationship with another person.
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| Men that say Never Again
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:28:15 PM | | Did you ever hear the saying "Its a mans world" Where did that ever come from? Whats did that actually mean? Guess in those days they didn't know of divorce as today. Times have changed and it seems sex doesn't mean a damn thing when it comes to working nowadays. So why hasn't the times changed in the courts? Doesn't work out after so many years and so many kids. So see ya good luck! No its pay me money honey. Why? Why does the system still pull our pockets inside out? Just because we have a pair? Its crazy today so many horror stories I have seen and heard. The lies. I really think that those who cheat lie steal have affairs get away with it! We do not have a moral court system. So how could you even blame men that say never again. | |
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