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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:31:53 AM | lil meggie...something that a lot of people don't realize is that physical intimacy with another person bonds you for life in a chemical, emotional and spititual way...when the other moves on a grieving process begins...an age old dilemma...how much music has the "why don't you love me like i love you" theme...
...it's so easy to say that with time you will look back without the pain you feel now but that's the truth...and the weird thing is that a lot of times after you truly have moved on, the ex suddenly finds you irresistable again...by then it's usually too late...
...i'm covinced that for a lot of men, what drives them is the thrill of the chase...and many women seem to be looking for a secure oasis...
...take care...hoping that forum feedback from your question is helpful... | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:38:13 AM | | I've settled for being just friends before when my heart wanted so much more than that. However, my eyes were wide open and I was honest with myself knowing we wouldn't ever get back together. I chose to use this so called friendship as a crutch to slowly start backing away and easing my pain and doing it in my own time. I've always put an end to the "friendship" not long after it truely ended and didn't hang on to any hopes in the process. This is what works for me, healthy or not. I'm never in denial when a relationship is over and I'd rather end it on good terms than bitterness. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:46:35 AM | No my dear, you need to cut this 'being friends' idea right out of your head. You won't feel better until you have time away from the guy. You won't forget him but you will be able to come to terms with not being his girlfriend anymore. Whilst you are hanging around him 'as a friend' it is unlikely you will meet another guy. You will be too busy looking adoringly at him, totally wasting your time. I also think you are probably cramping his style. Move over and let him find someone he can love. He's made it really clear to you that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend anymore, so you have to let him get on with his life. Yes you trusted him, yes he took your virginity away but you've got to move forwards in life. Loving someone and not being loved back is torture, so why do that to yourself? Let him go and then you can find a guy that does want to be your boyfriend.
I do know how bad you are feeling right now. Most of us have been rejected at some point by someone we loved but you have to take all that hurt right on the chin, then stand back up and yell 'NEXT!' | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:50:42 AM | Whenever you have these "friendly" thoughts, think about it LOGICALLY.
Your new friend took whatever you "gave up before marriage" then had fun with it for a while and discarded you as soon as he was bored with it.
Your "friend" will have no qualms about hurting your feelings while he engages in dating other chicks.
I looked up definition of "friend"... Something's amiss in your friendly situation...
And let's not forget that your new friend looked at your beautiful face and all the good friendly giving you have to offer and said to himself "I'd rather pass"
Girl, get real.
Would YOU do any of that to YOUR friends???
Make him miss you. LEAVE
And just so you're not bored, get yourself a fantastic book "He's just not that into you". Works wonders. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:01:03 AM | | I am in the same situation. I have a friend I would like to be more than friends with. He went back to his ex girlfriend after we became just friends. It is hard I have gone out with guys and he knows about it and is supportive I am suportive of his decisions he still knows how i feel for him. he knows I love him and knows i want more from him. Sometimes he tells me I only want him for sex. We have never slept togehter. I tell him that is not all I want from him and when he ask what it is I want i tell him His heart. because he already has mine. Stick in there. it is better to have them there than not. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:07:12 AM |
I've always put others needs ahead of my own. and If it makes him happy, than whatever makes him happy, i realize will make me happy too.
so sorry you're hurting!
i know this isn't the topic, but you might want to take a long, hard, look at this habit. it is destructive to your personal growth, value, and relationships in general.
if this were true, you would be happy with the breakup, which you are not. therefore, it is not true that what makes him happy makes you happy.
what about YOU? what do YOU WANT? | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:13:31 AM | As another Poster said,you're prolonging the agony by hanging in there trying to be happy with just a friendship with this guy when you so obviously still have very strong feelings for him.....
So,ask yourself this......
How are you going to feel when he's got a new girlfriend?
 to you................ | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:16:26 AM | IMO, you're only going to hurt yourself more by sticking around.
Picture remaining friends with the "what if?" attitude. What if someday he changes his mind? What if he realizes he made a mistake and wants me back? You've spent your time living on what ifs.
Now picture this what if...
What if he finds another girlfriend?
Your heart will be broken again, and I can guarantee you... that WILL be then end of the friendship.
Good luck sweetie | |
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iris43
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Joined: 4/20/2007
Msg: 34 | |
| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:19:23 AM | Op listen to what these previous posters are saying we have all been where you are at one time or another its no fun, its hell in fact, but you are doing to your self is hell 10 fold.
Look at it this way, you have an open wound at the moment this wound needs time to heal once the wound is healed only then can you think about being a friend to him. Right now it is too raw and painful, being his friend while the wound is still too fresh and sore will never give a chance to heal properly.
You may think that you don't want to lose this connection that you had with him, trust in knowing for the real connection to be there it has to be a two way street and with him it is not. Your constant need for approval and doting on him at the sacrifice of yourself is not very attractive to this guy. Get strong, pull up and start living your life in loving independent way and show this guy what you are really made of.
I'm 44 you are in your twenties trust me you are going to have to get better at this breakup thing it probably going to happen a few times before you actually meet the man you are suppose to go through time with.
Cheers
Diane | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:24:33 AM | LiL Meggie (Msg: 1)
Okay so I just recently got my heart broken from a 7 month relationship.
Are you going to tell us what happened? What did he do? Cheat?
I gave something up to him, that i always told myself i'd wait until i was married, because i couldnt just throw it away to just anybody.
Gave? Throw it away? Yeah, casual sex is horrible. Do mind the sarcasm.
To me this guy wasnt just anybody, like I trusted him more than i had ever trusted anybody in my life, and he meant so much to me, I cared for him so much, and I still do, seeing as how this just recently happened a few weeks ago.
That's pathetic. Either that, or you haven't put much thought in what you're saying. Are you really going to tell me you trust this guy more than you trust yourself? More than you trust your parents & siblings?
And he seemed to understand me, and its hard for anyone to understand me, because i cant even understand myself at times.
I guess that answers the old age question, "Why do women need men?". Thanks for the honesty, or is that a slip-up?
Like were still friends, close friends, and I dont wanna ruin what we have going on now, I dont wanna lose the guy at all, like you know the say its better to be friends than nothing at all.
Again, that's pathetic. Either that or you still aren't putting much thought in what you're saying. If you're going to follow one-line-absolutes, you're hopeless. It's almost never that simple!
I want him to be in my life any way possible, i dont wanna lose him, even if it means just having him as a friend.
:roll:
This level of desperate yet hopeful is funny.
But when were around each other, it feels so comfortable, and its hard for me to feel comfotable with anyone, but he makes me feel so comfortable, and when were around each other, I know there is something still there, feelings are still there, it just feels so right, but he said he doesnt wanna take another risk of hurting me again, and i cant keep telling him hes wrong, and a risk is worth it, because than he'll end up wanting nothing to do with me, and I couldnt handel that.
Thanks. Now we know the secret. It isn't about honesty, or being a nice guy, or anything else but "comfortable".
Guys make a mental note: Guy breaks girl's heart. Girl still wants guy. Reason? Comfortable!
LiL Meggie (Msg: 5)
But cutting all ties with the person is like a way of avioding everything. You cant just aviod it by walking away, thats not a way to forget someone, it will just be harder and hurt more if i couldnt have anything to do with him.
It's exactly the way to do it. It just doesn't suit you.
I've always put others needs ahead of my own. and If it makes him happy, than whatever makes him happy, i realize will make me happy too.
Wow! Somewhere I read that, "a woman would gladly serve a worthy master". Mental note.
Let me ask you a serious question: What would he have to do for you to say, "Enough is enough, he isn't worth it?"
callwilliam2 (Msg: 17)
I've always put others needs ahead of my own. and If it makes him happy, than whatever makes him happy, i realize will make me happy too.
(1) Is altruism a lie?
(2) Why should I put another person's interest ahead of my own?
(3) Should I settle for the next best thing?
(4) Why should I settle for something less?
(5) Is there more pleasure in giving than in receiving?
:roll: You can't use one example to prove your point. But I admire your effort, timing, and ingenuity. You know how to use a context to your advantage, I give you that. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:27:09 AM | i have just been through the exact same thing!!!!!! and i am so sad because we had a wonderful relationship for 7 months... and i was falling in love with him and have not been in love and trusted anyone... in so long that when he accepted a job in another state i was hurt beyond repair.... and just within the last two weeks we have started chatting by email again and it feels good but i just dont want to lose what we had either and i, like you, trusted him and i trust no one.... so i am hoping like u, that all will work out... good luck to u... | |
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Nic B.
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Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 37 | |
| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/24/2008 10:28:19 AM | Tough question and not one with an easy answer.
So, here's my experience with this...
I met a guy earlier this year. We hit it off big time and it was this HUGE case of just jumping in with both feet on both our parts. Some stuff happened in his personal life with family and it was best for us to take a step back. I just didn’t realize how major of a step back it would be. I had definite strong feelings for this guy and cared deeply for him. I was adamant that I was NOT going to let him out of my life, even if it had to just be as friends. When he was ready to start talking and hanging out again, things had definitely shifted on his part and we agreed to be just friends. Hard for me to do? Yes. Worthwhile? Absolutely. We have truly become the best of friends and I am the first person he calls when he needs to talk or wants to share something and to me that trust and level of friendship means more to me than just walking away. He’s the first one always there if I need someone to talk to or am having a bad day. But, the blessing in disguise is that in having this type of relationship with him now as strictly the best of friends is that I have come to realize that in the long run he would not have been the one for me. But he is the BEST kind of friend to have.
My situation isn’t exactly the same as yours and you have to figure out if you can handle being in his life as just a friend or will you end up trying to push him for more again eventually. If that is the answer then I would say walk away. The feelings you have for him are too raw to really have a truly give and take productive friendship with him. As friends you become truly happy for the other person when they find someone who is NOT you to make them happy. Can you do that in all honesty without holding out hope that someday, somehow, something will happen to bring the two of you back together?
Is it better to be friends with him than be nothing at all? That’s something that only you can decide but in order to do so you need to be honest with yourself and ask the tough questions of yourself and your heart and answer them truthfully. If the answer is that you can’t be around him without your heart hurting or you feeling jealousy or sorrow when you see him with someone else or he talks to you about someone else then the answer is most likely that it would be better to be nothing at all than to be friends. Just my two cents. . . | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 1:45:35 PM | I appreciate what everyone has to say and everything. But its easier said than done, you know what i mean. Like i always give ppl advice, than i ask myself can i even do that myself, like nobody can ever take their own advice. And everyone is different. Some people believing in cutting all ties, and others like to continue to be friends, if its meant to be that way. Well in my case, i am glad that were friends, and its not gonna hurt me more by being friends with the guy when i know where things stand, i know how we both feel, and we borh agreed were happy with where things are at now, which is being friends, and I've been handeling it fine. And I'm not gonna sit here and think what if this, and what if that, I dont think of it like that, i'm happy that we were able to end on a good note and be friends like we are.
And somebody asked if i trust him more than my own parents or siblings, well in all honestly, i do, hes more supportive towards me, and is here for me with other things, more than my family is, and he listens to me too, not only does he try to help me, but he listens to what i have to say, and just because he broke up with me, i'm not gonna hate him for it. we both have things we know we need to work on, to be in a good healthy relationship with someone, and were working on those things together, helping each other out, being honest with each other.
And yeah he might of broke my heart, cuz i liked him alot, in the beginning he was more into me than i was into him, than we switched roles it seemed, but sometimes people get scared when getting close so they push the person away to get closer. And yeah it hurt, but he cant break my heart twice, I know where things stand, and i have accepted that, so if i can accept being friends, than thats my choice, but i'm happier that i have him as a friend than nothing at all. Most guys i dated for short period of times, wanted nothing to do with me afterwards, well hes the opposite. he didnt kick me to the curb completely. he just ended the relationship. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:09:37 PM | Personally I believe in severing all ties. That's the only way to move on atleast for me. I can't understand how people can remain friends with their exes. Cordial, yes when and if you meet them. But friends? I don't think so.
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:16:18 PM | Hi Lil,
Having just gone through this I think I can shed some light on it.
You are going to hurt
There is no short cut
It sucks
It won't get any better until there is absolutely NO CONTACT!
Contact is just shooting yourself in the foot and is like putting off going to the dentist,
the longer you wait, the more it's going to hurt.
Please read this wonderful site, it's well worth it.
http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/2007/06/29/the-emotions-of-grief-during-a-breakup/
Even though I was the one to leave, it still hurt, and my ex kept calling, and even though I knew it was wrong, I enjoyed the comfort it gave me....until I read this site. I passed it on to my ex and I haven't heard from her since. We are now both healing.
Good luck and time IS a great healer | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:29:58 PM | I would rather be friends than nothing at all ... You can still talk to each other and know what is going on ... You have to acsept the fact that it is over and life goes on for both of you ... but you can talk to each other and even be there for each other ...
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oshan
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Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 42 | |
| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:39:11 PM | | Op, after reading all the astute, compassionate responses, it seems to me there is a piece of the puzzle that is missing. Why did he end the relationship with you? | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:42:27 PM | I can relate to what you're going through. But to answer your original post question; No, this friendship is completely toxic.
What ever happened to equality or belief in yourself? If he's getting what he wants out of the relationship, and you aren't, it's not equal. And let's call horseshit what it is, you're not content with being "just friends" or else you wouldn't have come posting here to seek approval from a group of anonymous people looking for dates. I hate when people lie to cover up what they truly want. Whatever happened to -desire- and chasing your dreams down with all you've got? You're just going to give up and settle for a jealous, unfair friendship? How weak is that? I'm not saying drop everything and go stalk-mode, but it sure seems like you're ready to completely give up.
Sure, this person is close to you, and you took a chance that paid off for 7 months... but this just goes to show you the type of person you are. You're all closed up and afraid to live the experiences in life that open you and allow you to truly live. This guy didn't allow you to be more trusting, you allowed yourself to be with him. Who's to say you can't do it again and feel all the wonderful feelings you just felt with somebody else? Why not? Why is that so hard to imagine?
And despite what you think "Nothing at all" is better for yourself than an unfair friendship, honey. Plenty of fish, etc.
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 3:19:08 PM | Start by recognizing the fact that you will BOTH move on and find someone else. In the mean time stop torturing yourself cut off all contact and tell him to stop calling you.
Just keep reminding yourself that this man that meant everything to you, this man that you would do anything for, this man you were 100% devoted to broke up with you because.......................he wants to date other people and probably has already started you just haven't run into the two of them yet. | |
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Nic B.
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Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 45 | |
| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 3:19:47 PM |
And yeah it hurt, but he cant break my heart twice
Actually you can get your heart broken more than once by the same guy. It happened to me when I was young and foolish enough to take him back after he cheated on me and we were engaged to be married. Lesson learned the hard way.
Whatever the outcome is for you in the end, I wish you only the best... | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/25/2008 3:20:14 PM |
I'm not willing to let him go as a friend, I rather have that, than nothing at all.
I'm seeing this more as "If you had any chance at getting back together" you would do it. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 1:38:15 PM | I recently read an article dealing with this topic. According to one of the "experts" on relationships, when you break up with someone, you need to grieve- and the work that goes with grieving is pretty hard to do when you're still "Friends". You need to let yourself feel all those negative emotions that just aren't very much fun. Allow yourself to feel the sadness, the hurt and grieve it. This may take awhile, and it happens in stages. I think we grieve someone we have lost, move on for a bit, then something reminds us of the happy times we once had with our ex ...and we have to grieve it again, but as you move on, somehow you find a way to move on. Of course it hurts like he**, but you need to make a conscious effort to find something else in your life that is positive to move towards. Set some new goals and create a positive focal point in your life.
Bottom line: Forget about being "Friends" with your ex. Let go. Grieve. Then move on, even though it hurts. Grieve when you are alone when you need to, but be proactive about finding a positive focus in your life and move toward it with a passion. Your newfound energy will create a fresh spark in your life and, you never know, you just may find yourself attracting someone better suited to you with all that new, positive energy that you're generating.
I think you are holding yourself back from having the happiness you deserve by hanging onto something that is over. I hope you can find the strength and courage to move on and move towards something better, happier and healthier for you in the long term -something that will make you truly happy without the bittersweet edge you will continue to experience as long as you pin false hopes on this pseudo "friendship" which will never deliver what you want from it anyway. Give yourself a chance at true happiness and move forward with your life.
All the best to you. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 1:44:05 PM |
So am I suppose to be happy for whatever makes him happy? and live with not knowing what could happen giving it another chance. Am I suppose to say no more, and just be happy with the friendship we have? if i dont wanna lose him? Is being friends better than nothing at all?
Your not supposed to be happy, but you should try to be, it'll make both your lives so much easier. Staying friends might prove to be difficult if you still have feelings for him, so I think you should act in your own best interest first, then his. After all, there is no longer an "us" just a "you". | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:21:16 PM | | It sounds like you are not yet over him. So you AREN'T friends. If you want to be friends, then you are going to have to move on. To do that, you are going to have to start dating, and meet someone new. Until you do get back into dating other guys, you won't get over him, and you won't be friends. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:29:54 PM | You say he was the best thing that ever happened to you? Then you can and will survive being just friends and still have him in your life. Believe me! If he can be a friend but cease to be a lover, why would you want to lose that friendship? That friendship could last more than any of your relationships. You can do it! If you really love him now, you can adjust to the fact that he will be happy with another woman. It will hurt for a while but you will find that if you treasure that friendship, you will be able to move on without regrets.
I am not being unrealistic because it happened to me and to date, I treasure that friendship as he has always said he wanted me in his life due to my positive influence on him. Maybe it is easier for me as I was the one who left but when he asked me, "But why say goodbye?" Why indeed?
What if he were seriously ill and you could not attend to him but another woman could? Would you rather lose him to death than to another woman? Think about that! That is a test of your love. Let him go but you don't have to lose the special friendship that you have for each other. It may even withstand the test of time. And I am not talking about FWB. No~
Sometimes people are better friends than as SOs. Just remember, it is all up to you to let your heart go and love someone else. But, yes the feelings of friendship for him will have a different meaning but definitely better than no friendship at all. | |
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