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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:30:59 PM | | i recently split from my ex of 2.5 years!! he wanted to do the whole friends thing, but i refused!! how can you go from that to being just friends? dont do the whole ex sex thing i have been reeled in with that in the past!! sooner or later he will move on, can u bare to sit and watch that have some self respect think it was his loss!! u will never 4get ur first!! but wat hurts will only make u stronger... x | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:32:43 PM | | I'm still waiting to hear the answer to oshan's question a little ways back: "Why did you split up to begin with?" I agree with her , that this is an important piece of the puzzle that is missing in this entire discussion. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:40:55 PM | | He is really not that terrific. You have put him on a pedestal. You have idealized him. You have imagined and fantascized that he is better than he really is. You are imagining him out to be a prince. Now, his true colors are showing, yet you still want to imagine him to be ALL THAT. He isn't all that, and you will see the truth when you have gone through the grieving process of the loss of your first love. If you jump right into a rebound relationship, you will never love the newfound man as much as you love your first. My answer to you is: No, it is not better to be friends than nothing. You need to find yourself a life.... of your own.... on your own. You need to put yourself in a lifestyle where you NEVER SEE, TALK, OR THINK ABOUT HIM! | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:42:40 PM | | If a relationship has just sort of fizzled, then yeah, I think being friends is a great solution. But, if your heart is breaking, being his friend isn't going to help you get past the heartbreak. You love him, and of course you want good things for him, but it hurts too much to watch him live his life without you right now. Step back for awhile, and steer clear, until the worst of it's over. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:45:35 PM | | I can be friends with someone who broke my heart in the past, but quite a bit of time has to pass before that's possible. Certainly not right after it's happened. And in some cases, there's no way I'd be friends with someone who hurt me. If you want to be "just friends" and YOU are happy with that, then go for it. But if you're doing it in the hopes that someday he'll come around, then you might be in for a big disappointment. What happens when he has a new girlfriend and he no longer has time for you, even as "just a friend"? | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:07:05 PM | My two cents worth is that all of the posters above are right.
If someone has broken my heart, that means that either they left the relationship or they did something that I could not forgive and so I left it. Either way, I would need time to work through my grief and trying to be friends with them would not work. Maybe down the road we could be but only time will tell. At a minimum the bad feelings have to be worked through and the betrayals forgiven.
On the other hand, I have been in intimate relationships where we both realized it was not a good idea to continue, so we talked about it and agreed to move on. Sometimes we remained friends, sometimes we didn't. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:12:25 PM | | It doesnt matter, I know being friends is better than nothing up, becuz now that i think of it, I dont blame the guy for breaking up with me. I'm not lovable, and i dont know what it is or what it feels like, or if it exists, so thats how i know that its better having him as a friend, because i'm obviously meant to be alone. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:17:32 PM |
I'm not lovable, and i dont know what it is or what it feels like, or if it exists,
Neither am I, Neither do I, and Me either.
And I'm going to do it anyway because I believe... You don't get to score points with self pity. To many people in the club. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 7:45:14 PM | you are 22 and i am 59. other than that, you are telling my story. i just had to break up with my best friend and lover of 2 1/2 years. we had the just friend thing going for six months in the middle of our time together and were back in each others arms--only now to be back where it started. he was faithful, that was not the problem.
it is very hard to envision yourself with someone else after such an intense and comfortable and warm and fuzzy relationship. it is inconceivable that someone like this, does not "value" and "cherish" the longevity of it. but, he doesn't and you do. in my case, he says he is crying and misses me. this does not compute when you put the data into my program. but not everyone is programmed the same. just like there is program compatability, there is human compatability. we hang on, because we fear that all will be lost and nothing to replace it with. we fear that it is better to have something than nothing.
for me, the realization that i could tomorrow have nothing, allowed me to suddenly realize my life was worth risking to find "more" and that if i did not end this, i would never find more. i decided i was worth it and i could find it. if you don't think you are worth it, start with asking yourself why you think that way.
they call it the "i love you, go away" kind of love. based upon abandonment and lack of commitment and intention. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:28:33 PM | Lil Meggie, if you could be "just friends", that can be a very nice thing to take forward, when it doesn't work as a relationship. I have a friendship that is just that, a woman with whom we were briefly (6 months) living together, and discovered that we don't "work" as a couple. The 24/7 killed what was lukewarm as a "romance" to begin with.
Now, though, there is no sexual tension to the friendship, no vague notion that we might have a romance. We are good friends, with the unique understanding of each other that came while we were a "couple". We each date, and sometimes share stories about our "dating experiences", and there just aren't residual feelings that could complicate it.
However, what it sounds like is that you want to "hang on" in the hope that by maintaining some connection, you can avoid dealing with the feelings of a romance that didn't work out. That, and ou are hoping that the relationship will rekindle. The thing is, even if it did for awhile, it would merely be a diminished version of what it was the first time around.
If you can't truly be "just a friend", then you can't be friends in an active way. It's merely delaying the process of owning your feelings, so as to examine and resolve them, so that you can be open to finding a new love.  | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:55:51 PM | | You don't want friendship, you want love. You 'accepted' friendship, but not graciously, you are bargaining. You will never be happy with plain friendship with him. But Love does not beg. As time passes, the intensity of your passion will fade away, because he won't feed it. Strangely, in time, he will fade into nothingness. You won't be able to understand this now, but in time everything will become crystal clear. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:14:14 AM | It doesnt matter, I know being friends is better than nothing up, becuz now that i think of it, I dont blame the guy for breaking up with me. I'm not lovable, and i dont know what it is or what it feels like, or if it exists, so thats how i know that its better having him as a friend, because i'm obviously meant to be alone.
Wow, that is quite a lack of self-esteem you have going there, even for someone so young and confused. And being with this guy makes you feel better? I'd be inclined to say its likely just the opposite. Which I think makes it all the more imperative that you stop seeing this guy until you can have a friendship on a more equal footing.
Its all well and good to be friends, but you're not friends right now; you're his ex-girlfriend, someone who is still in love with him and still pining away for him. How friendly is it going to feel when another girl comes into his life, and you have to deal with even more heartache. Not to mention being hooked on him really inhibits your chances of finding someone new. You seem to think thats impossible, but it'll happen, at least it will if you stop hanging around with a guy who clearly isn't interested.
And look at it this way; if you stop seeing him for a while, he may decide he misses you after all, and come back to you. It sounds like thats what you really want. For now, you have to focus on you, and heal your own heart and head, which can only happen when you put this relationship behind you, instead of following him around and hoping he'll throw you a crumb of affection now and then. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:58:10 AM | Meggie... I'd suggested you google the stages of grief... have you done that? It'll be helpful.
This blog deals with grief after a break up:
Getting Past Your Past by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
http://GettingPastYourPast.wordpress.com
What you're cycling into now with the "I'm not lovable" and "I'm obviously meant to be alone" feelings is part of grieving.
We tend to cycle through feeling anger and guilt.. it's normal to feel like crap and worthless. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:11:10 AM | Meggie,
I understand how you're feeling but sometimes you have to think about your situation from the outside. What would your friends say?
I think they'd quickly tell you you ARE lovable and you're NOT meant to be alone!
Breaking up with someone you love so much brings these kinds of feelings to everyone. You just have to tell yourself its part of getting over it and keep reminding yourself it WILL get better.
I know you don't want to, but I really think it would help you to tell him you need some space for a bit. Ban yourself from him for a little while so you can start to re-adjust.
You need to feel comfortable with yourself as an independent woman. I think many people would agree that you need to be a happy individual before you can be part of a happy couple, and you still need to be a happy individual when you are part of a couple or there is nothing about you for the person who fell in love with the happy individual you were to love anymore.
When you can go a few days without thinking about him and not being unhappy then you can think about whether you want a friendship with him. You may find you've changed your mind, though its hard to believe now.
The last time I felt like that, the bloke lived hours away so it was easier to maintain distance but I had to be really strong to not ring or text him at first. We've spoke since and when we did I knew that I wasn't capable of being just friends so I still dont contact him because I know now we weren't right for each other and I dont want to be tempted to complicate things and hurt us both again, but maybe you two can do it.
Good luck. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 6:42:25 AM | See this is the thing, nobody posting their opinion on here, is me, so they dont know how i'm feeling. Not everyone deals with everything the same, not everyone has the same kind of feelings about things than others.
In my case, What i need more than anything is his friendship, I'm not expecting, or looking for anything more than a friendship, and thats all i want. So its not gonna hurt me to be friends with the guy, actually having him as a friend makes me happy, and i'm not asking for much more than a friendship. Its good sometimes to have someone who knows you from being with you for a certain amount of time, as a friend, because sometimes they see things about you, that others wouldnt be able to see, or know, and they can help you. And hes been here for me, as a friend, and has been trying to help me as a friend, its been good in that way. And the friendship we have, isnt uncomfortable or akward or anything, we both feel comfortable around each other, and its not easy for me to feel comfortable around alot of people. So this friendship is important to me, and its not gonna break me, or hurt me, because I know what it is, I know its just a friendship. And i wouldnt want anything more than a friendship, because I know at this stage in my life, I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone. I cant even love myself, so if someone else were to say they loved me, I run in the other direction.
And I feel he derserves happiness, so if that means someone else can give him the happiness that I couldnt give him, than thats what he derserves. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 6:58:12 AM | Don't you have any other friends you like and respect? All too often, exes as friends do weird things that NORMAL FRIENDS DON'T. Like a relative of mine sends his female exish long emails and they talk for one hour every nite (something like that). I asked him, "Do you send all your friends long emails and talk on the phone for an hour" ?? His answer, "Umm, no." Guess why he does this??? HE STILL WANTS HER!
Or the exbf who gave his exgf a cellphone and a costco membership and she housesits his cat when he leaves for a nite. One nite...come on. I think I know why they do this.....
Even my best male friends cat doesn't need petsitting for one nite.
But young lady, you asked for our opinion. Its up to you too listen and learn, that's how we grow up.
"""a friendship, and thats all i want. So its not gonna hurt me to be friends with the guy, actually having him as a friend makes me happy, and i'm not asking for much more than a friendship. Its good sometimes to have someone who knows you from being with you for a certain amount of time, as a friend, because sometimes they see things about you, that others wouldnt be able to see, or know, and they can help you. And hes been here for me, as a friend, and has been trying to help me as a friend, it"""
I'm amazed you lost all emotional desires for him so fast. Best Fishes. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 9:04:21 AM | Your still attached to him. He isn't to you in the same way
Your not ready to be friends just yet
Move on
Time is a healer
(except for the chocolate cake hunger that flame never diminishes) | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 9:26:58 AM | Let me tell you a little secret....I was married for 27 years to my best friend. I loved him more than anything in this world. He dumped me for a woman 15 years his junior. You can not remain friends with someone with whom you've shared an intimate relationship. It just doesn't work. It sounds good on paper, but when you come right down to it, it can't be done. How can you give "Love Advice" to your friend? How can you be by his side when he's having problems with his significant other? Can you be objective in your views? I don't think so.
Of all the things I miss about my ex, I miss his friendship the most. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:44:27 AM | | The guy isn't interested move on.The old lets be friends so he doesn't hurt you anymore.You already have lost him.The chemistry either died or it wasn't there at all. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:54:33 AM | Renaissance Man 1950:
I have a friendship that is just that, a woman with whom we were briefly (6 months) living together, and discovered that we don't "work" as a couple. The 24/7 killed what was lukewarm as a "romance" to begin with.
I understand RenaissanceMan where you come from, and in your case this kind of relationship turning into friendship can work very nicely, especially that romance with the person was merely lukewarm. But what I am hearing from OP, hers was far from 'lukewarm', quite passionate and the feelings of being 'so comfortable' than she was not able to feel among others, but only him.
so you are right with concluding it with:
However, what it sounds like is that you want to "hang on" in the hope that by maintaining some connection, you can avoid dealing with the feelings of a romance that didn't work out. That, and ou are hoping that the relationship will rekindle. The thing is, even if it did for awhile, it would merely be a diminished version of what it was the first time around.
This is also how I see it.OP, if you are hanging there because of 'hopes' you are prolonging something that is already dying, it is like trying to bring back to life something that is in the process of 'dying'... very painful experience, and it shows me that you are not accepting something as natural as 'death of the relationship'. When this happens, you may also feel like you are 'dying inside'. Hanging on to it, make it more painful. In other words, you are in denial, - 'what is isn't' instead of accepting it 'what is is' | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:58:02 AM | I only believe in staying friends if both people make a conscious effort to do so. I also believe that the one that ended the relationship is the one that has to make the "first move" when it comes to being friends.
But it all depends on what you feel that you can handle. For some people it cuts too deeply. For others it's simple. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 11:58:37 AM | in another thread, you discussed not only being unloveable yourself, but fearing to say i love you due to the rejection. you say you cannot even say this to your parents. i have a child like this (fost/adopted at age 10) and my ex was like this. i know that a lot of this is what has been verbalized or observed by therapists, as major identity issues, feelings of being "judged" and deep attachment issues.
i cannot tell whether you are in stages of grief like i am and described above OR these are deeper issues. but i do know that if you find an appropriate support group where you can hear/observe other people's stories w/o being pressured to cough up yours, you might slowly begin to see yourself in others. you say no one here is you. you believe you are unique. it seems no one else will "understand" you. like it or not, your story may be different and others may not be coughing up their unique stories either on this thread. BUT and NEVERTHELESS: there are patterns, stages of development and loss, teachings from many who have been there and SURVIVED, that you need to hear. you are studying social services. you know that already or do not practice upon others.
you need to hear that at some point you need to move on. you need to hear that you MUST work on self love (which i distinguish from self esteem, which can lead to arrogance in my definition). you probably have some heavy duty stuff that you need to let air out in a safe and appropriate place, because wounds can only heal if they are allowed to "air out". you need a really good place to cry and fall apart, so that you can put yourself together with objective support. you are guilting this man into being there for you IF you are implying you are such an unloveable person. it becomes a heavy responsibility for him and you can bet your bippie, that his next girlfriend (the one he will love), will not be all that accepting of your friendship.
if you do get it together, and love yourself, that is ALL that you will need to be loved by others. not sure about your parent situation, but short of abuse, your pain is their pain. learning to really love is also about "acting as if" and making others feel good. so maybe also find ways to give to others. IF you feel you have depression, there is a need for any mix of "cognitive" therapy (learning to reframe your negative thoughts and take action), meds, herbs, support groups and/or meditation.
of course, the problem is if you let yourself get THAT depressed, you won't have the energy OR you will self talk and reject anything that is postive or resassuring. that leaves those of US, who love you or people similar to you, in a totally helpless position (short of committing you, if you become suicidal and that is only a short term fix). so, you drag us down with you?
part of loving this man is to HEAL. i am sure if he cares, he will be overjoyed to see you heal. if he doesn't, as my mother use to say, s--crew him. well, not literally.
if you don't want people's opinions, because this is mine and you have heard others, than why are you asking? just to put more salt on your wounds?
i'd say, if i were you, that i would allow myself to feel like sh--for a while, to get it all out, and in the meanwhile print out these pieces of advice. if/when you are ready to assess what is something you can use...and what is not...then read up on it all. just don't allow those wounds to fester and lead to an even greater spiritual or emotional disease. it is important to be at "ease" with your "self". i too denied and enjoyed the partial tidbits. but, here i am , back again. don't wait as long as i did to be a little less tough on yourself and more demanding of others. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 12:08:07 PM | I am so glad I found this post and read it. I was trying to do the same with someone who broke my heart but I think the best thing is like most of you have replied with and that is to break all ties and move on. I hate when a relationship ends with hard feelings and hurtful things said when you know you really tried and especially when kids are involved that you grew to care about. But I know now I have to move on because it would be a constant reminder of once upon a time when you were happy and thought you meant something to this person and who is going to be in their life next and take over where you left off. I realize now my heart could not take that so I am going to try my best to do this because I have tried being friends in the past with ex's and it didn't work so don't know why I think this one would. It wouldn't. Your right, too many reminders. Thanks! I feel better. His loss.  | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 7/27/2008 12:40:05 PM | To the Oped, I recommend you read this book by Greg Behrendt called "He's Just Not That Into You." It was very enlightening and eye-opening. It forces us to see things as they really are, not the way we would like them to be. When a man is only interested in friendship, it is because he is just not that into you. To him, you are not the "one." But most men are too embarrassed to tell a woman that so they offer many excuses, including just friendship. Now, if friendship alone is something that you are willing to accept, then more power to you. But I think it would be very difficult to remain friends with a man whom I had had an intimate relationship with first. It just would not feel right to me. It also would not feel right if he started dating other women and then started discussing the details with me as well. I agree with some of the other posters that you should just move on.
While it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex, it is better if it started off as friendship and remained so. Once sex enters into the equation, it creates alot of problems. | |
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