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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 8/3/2008 1:06:02 AM | OP, I know it hurts and you think that being friends is a viable way of continuing the relationship, but, if you are honest with yourself, you will admit that this is simply a mans of attaining some kind of access to him, keeping him in your life because you are keeping him in your heart.
This is going to sound harsh, but I read the entire read and all your responses to what a lot of really kind and caring people have said to you and it's obvious that you didn't want any real advice or response to your post. What you really want is a lot of agreeing with you, pitying you, and rationalization for what is clearly very destructive behavior.
Until you are ready to truly let him go and move on, you will continue to wallow in the martyrdom of the sorrowful and suffering victim of love, bearing all for the sake of the beloveds happiness. That is the role you have chosen for yourself in this process of moving from an active participant in an active, real relationship to a clinging mourner beside the grave of a dead relationship . All this will do is kill any hope of your finding the life and love you deserve.
But you don't want to hear that and you made your decision before posting. Just don't tell yourself, as you have stated in a previous post, that none of those responding know your feelings in this situation or understand the relationship. Yes, every relationship is unique, but those who have responded to your post have known and felt the same suffering, cried the same tears, asked the same questions, and made the same excuses. The only real difference between you and them is that they have wept at the graveside without falling into the grave for all eternity. They tried it and finally chose to walk out of the graveyard and into the land of the living again. I really hope you will too...someday. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 8/3/2008 1:29:26 AM | hmm...I'm not sure about this one. I've been going on lots of dates over the past couple of years since I split up with my ex and I'm in the situation where I just can't find the right person. The dates I've been on have been really fun, with great people and I would say I would have wanted to stay friends with all of them. The problem is feeling as if you want to be friends with someone is totally different from being in love with them or being attracted to them, and the two don't really mix. I've had a couple of the men I went on dates with who have stayed friends, but mainly they don't want to because they're not looking for friends, they're looking for a partner, and I understand that.
Lately I met a really interesting man at a party and I wasn't attracted to him, but we spent the whole evening chatting and having loads of fun. We swapped numbers at the end of the night and I said it would be good to hang out from time to time and be friends. I made it really clear that I didn't want anything more and hadn't behaved in any way that would suggest that. He agreed and a week later we arranged to go on a day trip. I have to tell you the whole day he was acting as if he was on a date, trying to get me to kiss him, insisting on paying for the food, even though I kept saying friends go dutch...to be honest it was embarassing. At the end of the day I was worn out and I won't now be hanging out with him anymore because it was obvious he wanted more, despite what he had said.
I guess what I'm saying is friendship is really tough unless both people feel the same about it. You don't want to kiss your friends and you're not physically attracted towards them. If you are, it's not a real friendship because one person will always want more than the other person can give, and at the end of the day, I don't think we can help how we feel about people, either you're in love and attracted to the person, or you're not.
Also I worry that the person who is in love would get hurt each time they hang out together, because it would feel like constant rejection. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 8/3/2008 6:02:21 AM | There is a lot of good advice here.
You are at the beginning of trying to be friends, a couple weeks.
I have a feeling as time goes on, the friendship will be too hard for you.
When he starts to date others, which you said you are both not at that point yet,
it will be too hard for you.
Trust me, I am speaking from experience as well, many of these posters are.
I think you , and all of us that have tried this, are just prolonging the inevitable.
Eventually you are going to have to pull off the bandage and feel the hurt, and now you
are just putting that pain off, well prolonging it. Being friends with him, is still painful in a bittersweet way. You want what once was, and he wants something different.
Chances are he is offering friendship because he does care about you, and realizes you
do not want to lose him. He is trying to be helpful, but in truth it is much more painful for you this way. He obviously cares about you very much, but not in the way you are hoping for. As much as you do not want to see the truth, this is hurting you more than just letting go. I am not saying jump into another relationship, to put this behind you, I am not sure how people can do that. You need some time alone, outside of a relationship, to feel what is the process of letting go.
In time, you may be able to pick up a friendship with this person, but not while you are hoping to have what you once had with him.
Good luck,
So sorry you are going through this, but alot of us have and try to learn from it, for the next time.
It is so tempting to hold on when we do not want to let go.  | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 8/3/2008 7:34:06 AM | "So am I suppose to be happy for whatever makes him happy? and live with not knowing what could happen giving it another chance. Am I suppose to say no more, and just be happy with the friendship we have? if i dont wanna lose him? Is being friends better than nothing at all?"
That depends on what you mean to yourself. Are you willing to be his lap dog eagerly waiting for whatever scrap he may throw you?
If you don't want to lose him? You've lost him already. What about some guy who will treat you decently but hasn't a chance against you fantasy about this guy who is your past? You can't live in the past. You only have now, and a future that can be better with someone who appreciates you.
Be well. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:26:43 PM | | I know this is a long time to write after the last person, but it was very interesting advice I have just read. It sounds pretty consistent. I am struggling with the letting go. I become obsessed waiting for the phone to ring & when I talk to my split up friend, I am so happy at the beginning of the conversation and so sad by the end, when I realize it is over. It is torture. Getting the strength to cut the ties is also hard. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 6/27/2009 9:56:47 PM | i am freinds with most of my ex's but i respect the limits also. both thiers and mine. mne are usually really strong. we dont talk about the sex. we dont talk about dating each other again. we dont talk about our realtionship and why it failed. we dont talk about the sex we are having with others or the realtionships we have with others. but i also know that because of what was shared and because of how well we know each other its always great to get advice from them. there is only one i talk to about sex and she has told me how to make it better to please other women and i to help her please other men in bed.
can you be friends yes. is it a good idea no. but i never do whats good for me. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 6/27/2009 10:19:29 PM | Dont look at it as better or worse then nothing. just look at it as something different and independent of the past relationship.
Here is a analogy- lets say an actor makes a movie which is very much unlike any of his other movies but the acting is still good and you like the movie.
You still remember the past and thats inevitable but it doesnt have to dictate the future. we can always reinvent ourselves and if one can be friends with someone and then go out with someone the reverse is true .
I do feel that friendship isnt something that should be forced cause a relationshit didnt work out. If you are going to be friends with someone you went out with, dont just do it to avioid conflict or to be a peacemaker. be sincere
"always be sincere wether you mean it or not" | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 6/27/2009 11:49:13 PM | | you can only be friends with an ex IF you are both over each other and none of u have any feelings for the other. Picture him with another girl, if u are ok with that then u can be friends.. but if the thoughts of him with someone else will hurt u then u should stop seeing him for a while.. until u are totally over him.. then u can be friends in the future. Who knows, u might be so over him that u wont even want him in ur life anymore. | |
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| Is Being Friends Better Than Nothing At All?
Posted: 6/28/2009 12:17:37 AM |
I'm not willing to let him go as a friend, I rather have that, than nothing at all.
so why are you asking this question then?..you have already made up your mind to keep him as a friend.... | |
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