| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 5:49:36 AM | | its simple..dont let her cook alone,,duh?? Sounds to me like either her mom was a perfectionist..or one of her ex's berated her so much that she demeans herself still. You can try to get to the bottom..and more than likely it's ralated to one or the other..or u can just order in..(pizza or chinese), when those situations arise. Don't let her watch hell's kitchen on tv either.. :-) | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 5:56:26 AM | OP,, I had to teach my ex-wife how to cook when we got married..
She had no idea what to cook or how.
Try cooking with her and making it a game. It can be fun for you both..
I am the pickiest one in the world when it comes to making chili..
We spent 20 years trying everything until we was satisfied with our chili recipe.
Now all of our family and friends throw a fit about our chili and want us to bring some to every event we attend.
COOKING can be FUN !
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 5:57:04 AM | Eazk, eazk, eazk.... *you* can't fix her. This is more than just her not liking her cooking. I totally think this is a self-esteem issue. And your constantly heaping on the praise isn't going to get anywhere.
Think of the anorexic that is bone thin... she looks in the mirror and sees fat. Everyone else sees her ribs and is horrified. But she still sees fat.
Do you think if you told the anorexic enough times that she'd "get" it? Nope.
How do you help someone like this? I don't know. I really don't.
Honestly??? She needs counseling. That's my opinion. To work on her sense of self. To find her own inner strength.
For one thing, it's not healthy to rely on others for your esteem. It has to come from within.
If it's really just the cooking, *shrug* then you do the cooking in the relationship. But otherwise, i say, get professional help.
Good luck with this fish...
Kaylie | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:29:21 AM | After reading the repost I would suggest total honesty and talking about this from the standpoint of you two figuring out together what is going on about the cooking. First, I would tell her she is a phenomenal cook and you enjoy eating what she has so lovingly prepared for you but she is diminishing that with the need to be hyper-critical about every component of the meal.
Then I would ask her why SHE thinks she is so hard on herself in this area, perhaps without leading her to a faulty conclusion, you can bring up some of the things that people suggested here, i.e. the mom angle or something else.
Outside of that, I would just tell her to try to keep her negative comments to herself if she can't figure out where they are coming from because it makes you feel bad when she harps on it. Maybe if she doesn't voice what she is thinking she can watch you enjoying the meal and become more comfortable in her own competence in the kitchen. | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:44:39 AM | Perhaps it's her subtle way of saying-'honey, why don't you cook all the meals from now on' or 'honey, how bout we just dine out and give my cooking skills a break.' Honestly, Eazk-maybe she just has issues about cooking well-which in turn means if she can't cook well enough for you she's not pleasing your pallet. It's hard when one person has an issue with doing something successful-including cooking. The best you can do is reassure her than you indeed enjoy her cooking and to give herself a break. Though is sounds easy, it may take awhile before she stops feeling that each meal has to be 'perfect'. I suffered from the perfectionist syndrome while a student and not only upset myself on a regular basis but worried my parents silly.
When my parents finally sat me down and told me they didn't CARE what my grades were, but they CARED about my well-being it made life a lot easier for me. I was so worried about pleasing them with good grades that I didn't see that I pleased them on so many other levels. I'm not suggesting that is her problem, but it sure sounds like it to me. Just remind her it's her company you relish far more than the temperature of your glass of water or how moist the chicken is. Sounds to me like you care about this woman so keep the focus on that and redirect her 'demeaning' self-descriptive comments about the food she cooks.
Good luck! | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:45:33 AM |
Nope...no amount of praise/acceptance gets her past it. She doesn't eat, is pissed that in her mind I'm being a good sport, and wanted to throw it all out.
She sounds like a nut. My only advice is stop letting her cook! | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:56:15 AM | *shrug*
I think it's the same problem as trying to tell women that they look beautiful and/or are not fat. They just will never really believe you no matter how many times you say it until they choose to believe it themselves.
Maybe enter a cooking competition - after all, your perceptions are biased ;) | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:56:48 AM | | You could beat her at her own game. Next time you take a bite of something she made, give out a *very* exaggerated "Eeewwww!!! What did you put in this?!?!?!?" and carry on in a way that's obviously ridiculous. It will either make her laugh and see the ridiculousness of what she's doing or make her defend her own cooking. If something is slightly undersalted, exaggerate and insist it's way too salty. Or say something ridiculous. "What's this flavor in the chocolate mousse? Is that oregano I taste?" Agree with her wholeheartedly. "Yeah, this is so bad I think you should give up cooking!" while you're wolfing down her mac and cheese greedily. "Yeah, honey, these chocolate chip cookies just aren't quite right. I think you'd better make another batch and see if you can't get that texture right. May take you five or six batches. You keep baking, I'll keep eating." | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 7:23:28 AM |
Eazk, eazk, eazk.... *you* can't fix her. This is more than just her not liking her cooking. I totally think this is a self-esteem issue. And your constantly heaping on the praise isn't going to get anywhere.
I agree with everything that Kaylie said. But I also have to agree with some of the other posters. The issue is what I would call "Power through self pitty." So be very careful, because there are individuals that in the one side there are perfectionist, but they also have low self-esteem, so what they do is they set themselves up constantly for failure. I believe these are the children of people who were not very emotional, other than to discipline and put you on your place. So in a way, they are also exercising the only way they know how to love. To them, positive reinforcement sounds shallow, as if you are just saying it to apiece them, but then criticism doesn't work either because it sends them down in a path of depression and self pity very quickly.
The sad thing is YOU can not change this person. But the good news is that once you recognize that there are deeper issues here and begin to work on them, she may find, a sense of inner peace and understanding that the "way it is, is as good as is going to be" and that it doesn't need to be any better.
Perhaps what she needs to do is learn something I used to teach my creative writing students. And that was that people have this huge pressure to perform, to come up with greatness at every turn and very much set themselves up for failure. What they need to understand is that to grow a great rose, to do great things you need to start with sh!t. With the freedom to let go, to fail, to fall, to learn from it. So in cooking it may not be perfect, but it's as good as is going to be today. The day everything is perfect it may be so insipid that the moment is lost, that the serendipitous mistake that allows the discovery of greatness is gone.
So tell her to let go. Let go. And enjoy the beauty of all imperfections. | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:13:33 PM | Eazk
Obvious next question is...
Does she carry over this behaviour into other activities?
Hopefully the BEDROOM is immune?!
The BATHROOM?
"OH! I just can't sheet right no-how!!!"
Definitely sounds like insecurity, most likely more widespread
in all areas .
Has she many friends?
Home -bound?
Could be life-long fear, much like spaghetti with 'uncooked ends'!
Now THATS something to FEAR!! | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:17:43 PM | | She's needy and attention seeking, you will get bored of this so better to have a good long talk about it now than to have it be a big resentment later. If she can't stop on her own, then therapy may help her. If she's doing it on purpose, watch out, she'll find more games to play. There is nothing fun or sexy or cute about someone who needs constant reassurance, there is nothing more annoying as the years grind on. | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 38 | |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 3:49:10 PM | A lot of conclusions being jumped to here. I honestly sensed she was disappointed with the result. She KNOWS what she was hoping to prepare, and it doesn't measure up in her eyes. OTOH, like any first encounter, my expectations were being tuned by the sight, aroma, texture and presentation. So when I tasted it, it had to map into the rest of my experience. But for her, those other aspects of the dinner had a different perspective...some history.
I'm kinda in tune with Akimbo's~ observation akin to the concert pianist...That sometimes they are so in tune with their own expectations that when it doesn't come out as expected they just can't seem to let go until it's dashed from their sight.
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 4:55:43 PM | I used to cook.. alot. And I was pretty darned good at it. At least I never poisoned anyone
But I quit cooking about 5 years ago. I got tired of hearing ""Its good but....." or "Why didnt you put such and such in it." "You know, your lasagna is good, but its not as good as...."
I think it was about that point I told the spouse that if he wanted a meal from now own he could cook it himself. Just once it would have been nice if he had said "Damn baby!.. that was awesome!" But it wasnt....There was always a off hand compliment or outright critizism.
So.. Im wondering, in her life before you, was she with someone who constantly downgraded her efforts? | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 5:00:11 PM | ^^^eazk, looks like you really didn't need to ask us our opinion, we answered, but you feel that assumptions & conclusions were being made that cast your lady in a bad light.
you've been on these forums long enough to know that you can't control the POV of others. it works like this:
you ask for POV
we give our POV | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 41 | |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/25/2008 10:08:16 PM | No, actually Mz~, I was and still am interested. POF has a variety of perspectives and what I was seeing wasn't making sense to the level she was going. I think the assumptions & conclusions are largely biased by our own experiences. Comments like "She sounds like a nut" and "You can beat her at her own game" and "She's needy and attention seeking"...are kind of a rapid judgment of the situation.
And yes, I have been on them long enough...that's exactly why I solicited feedback...and now why I'm providing some more. It's an intriguing perspective that seems to 'fit' better than the other answers.
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/26/2008 12:01:11 AM | A lot of conclusions being jumped to here. I honestly sensed she was disappointed with the result. She KNOWS what she was hoping to prepare, and it doesn't measure up in her eyes. OTOH, like any first encounter, my expectations were being tuned by the sight, aroma, texture and presentation. So when I tasted it, it had to map into the rest of my experience. But for her, those other aspects of the dinner had a different perspective...some history.
I'm kinda in tune with Akimbo's~ observation akin to the concert pianist...That sometimes they are so in tune with their own expectations that when it doesn't come out as expected they just can't seem to let go until it's dashed from their sight.
quite simply..she doesnt want her food judged.just eat it. | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/26/2008 12:04:27 AM | Maybe she has her fishing pole out to use to catch compliments? Or maybe she is insecure or a type of person who tries to hard. I wonder if she is like this in other areas of her life? Maybe she has a fear of losing you so thus she has to ensure everything she does for you is perfect. It is probably an irrational fear but a fear for her nonetheless.
Okay, I put too much thought into this. Time to put a way the psychology tectbooks. lol
~Carrie | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/26/2008 12:44:15 AM | OK... so I'll drag 'em back out Carrie... lol
Been noodling this one in the back of my mind... hasn't quite jelled yet, but here's what is occurring to me.
She has something 'at stake' here... and I'm thinking it is her regard for you. Ratchets up the 'at stakeness', wanting to cook these special meals and have everything be just perfect... for you. But they are not. Embarrassment and disappointment fill the evening.
One of my sweetie's interests is cooking (yum) and when he is disappointed with how a meal has turned out, at least part of the conversation is devoted to figuring out what went wrong, or what he'll try next time. But it is more exploratory than denigrating. Foodies do need to examine what they eat though, you can't get away from that eazk. Make sure you're not confusing foodie natural interest/critique with negativity.
I totally messed up the first few meals I cooked for my sweetie. It MATTERED and I was trying too hard, especially following the first WOW meals he had cooked for me (still have to nuke that competitive nature I guess) AND he was such a dayum distraction hanging around all gorgeous like in my kitchen. Our ruined meals weren't filled with my self-denigration though ... I'm too cool for that, and never claimed to be a cook... so we joked about it instead. (actually, I told him it was his fault for distracting me and I'd read in the Forums that it is ALWAYS the guy's fault so it must be true) My daughter, bless her, kindly chimed in that I could actually cobble something together without burning when he's NOT around. *sniff* *hair toss* I have other talents and I'm not attached to this rather dubious one...
She does, however, seem to place great importance on it.... suspect she has cooking hooked up with self worth (possibly womanhood?) combined with wanting to present you with perfection, just spells stress to me. And is beating the food and herself up when it falls short. It seems to me to be more perfectionistic than attention seeking.
What to do? Explain you realize it wasn't what she wanted, how with nothing to compare it too, you think it's good... but what concerns you is the evening together and it is being stolen by some stalks of asparagus. << this part hasn't gelled yet and needs some work, if she can see how her conversation/fretting is hijacking the evening more than the food, it'll open up a different way of being around it. But it needs a light hand so to bring insight not additional burden - I'm sure you'll find that balance eazk.
Here's the choice:
1) disappointing (to her) meal + obsessing over it = negative meal
OR
2) disappointing (to her) meal + good company/conversation = joyous meal | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:25:07 AM | ^^great post Margo...^^
I hope the original poster gets it ...
this story is an apologue for so much
for this food fable,& your post added perspective for me to day...it's amazing...well, except for the asparagus part...that is still 'botherin' me a bit too. (but then again, it always has.....wonder what that means) uh oh...anyway...
and how many are all tied up in obsession, perfection, insecurity, women who were raised by perfectionist fathers...(ok...im just sayin')...self worth....
i think most behavior can be explained if we are not afraid to look upon ourselves honestly...or, if it indeed even needs to be explained
just saved me another 150 bucks , cancel this weeks therapy, dear.
Just another guy on the forum (I'm sorry, I know It's my fault)
Kimbo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:57:55 AM | Eazk,
Why don't you sit her down when she is in a receptive mood.. (not during dinner)..but when you are cuddling on the couch or sitting outside in the swing.. And just tell her you have something you want to discuss with her..
Then tell her how this constant putting herself down and worrying about the food is begining to affect both of your enjoyment of your time together. Course do this in a gentle way but just tell her "honey, I don't want you being upset over the food.. or wanting to throw it away.. ever again because it is demeaning to you to do that and it makes me uncomfortable". Then tell her that you really honestly believe that her cooking is great.. and that you NEED her to believe you and stop not believing you.
Also, another thought she might have had an ex that was overly criticial of her cooking or a critical parent as she was growning up.
Course I am sure you can put things a lot better than I can.. those were just suggestions.. hehehe.
Keep us posted.
Gee I wished you lived in Mississippi.. I'd cook for you and never complain hahahaha.
Last meal I cooked for a man was a couple of months ago.. a man I was crazy about.. and he helped me.. but some things didn't turn out like I wanted.. I burned the rolls.. and some other things.. I just laughed and cut off the burned stuff.. He was lucky I cooked for him cuz I am a phenominal cook!!! But I did get a little bit anxious when the charcoal was not as hot as I had wanted it or the steaks took too long to cook.. next time I'll fire up the ole gas grill. | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:09:16 AM | Well as far as the tough asparagus...once you rinse it, you want to bend each stalk until it snaps. It will snap at the exact place where the tenderness ends and the toughness begins. Discard the tough end and keep the tip/stalk for cooking.
Something tells me this advice might send her over the edge though. She appears to suffer from self-esteem issues. You need to look at the bigger picture of what is going on in her head. During meals, I'd just eat and make appropriate comments. I wouldn't acknowledge her complaints over the meal as it only adds drama. Frankly I don't know how you can eat without getting a stomach ache from the stress of building her up. | |
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| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:18:16 AM | I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's got some real SELF-ESTEEM issues AND you will NEVER be able to convince her that her cooking is any good....She won't allow you to. She will have to work that isssue...but she won't! People do what works for them, and for some reason, she feels that that works in some twisted way, for her.
My advise: Walk away.... I promise you that there will be other issues as well....Mark my words.
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 50 | |
| I think it's great...she's not satisfied...what do we do?
Posted: 7/26/2008 6:41:17 PM | Thanks, Margo~...#2 was exactly what I was doing. We talked about it but she just couldn't turn the corner on it. So I'll say we had a neutral meal...add some point I just had to (and I hate to use this word, but) 'forbid' any more conversation or weird looks or sounds about it...it was beyond the point of being stupid.
Clearly she wasn't fishing for compliments. But she's done it a couple of times. Not every time...but she almost always prefers it when I cook or we do it together.
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