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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:08:24 PM | We met outside Canadian Tire
I was clutching a handful of funny money
he...a hot dog
I noticed he dressed it the way I do
and felt an instant kinship
a brotherhood of mustard and ketchup
especially when he avoided the relish
and went for the onion instead.
Standing in the line
waiting for mine I smiled
little more than a smirk really
but I felt his eyes on me
as I squabbed on the condiments
and the sweet vidalia.
After years of Lava Life
oh the irony would be sweet if he
turned out to be the one for me.....
so I turned....clutching my Shopsy's All Beef
while my stomach churned...to find him gone
headed home with the wife, no doubt...
even though she obviously was a lousy cook | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:09:40 AM | Hello all...good to see ya here.
Hello to Pickles! I'm sorry the sudden chance meeting didn't take the shape you wanted...or maybe it did, I don't know. At least you got a hot dog out of the experience. Thy Lard knoweth that ain't all bad.
And, yeah...if he had a wife, she'd prolly be a crappy cook. Maybe she's the kind that would boil a Pop Tart? Or would she be the type to salt fish from the Dead Sea? Either way...ig...
Okay...let's sermonate, for it is Sunday:
===============================================
Psalm 284 – The Book of Goat
Well, well, well…
…well…
This is a good day here in the barn, ennit
Thy Lard is happy with the weather
The peace and tranquility hath oozed
Out like toothpaste on a lazy
Cabin-morning day
To the tune of a cold beer
And fried fish by the lake
At 5:30am
There’s a breakfast for champions, eh?
There’s nothing to complain about
Apart from Breathing having the flu
And getting icky messages from odd men
On POF
Really…even though her profile says she ain’t looking
They keep trying their luck
This one fine fella from Regina
Started off with the subject line
“Can I Rub Your Feet?”
But the cleverness didn’t stop there
He proceeded to ask Breathing for her phone number
A harmless coffee date
And her photo
“Why, he sounds like a charming man,”
Thy Lard said to Breathing
“You should contact him.”
She was repulsed
Sickened, even
Ah, well…
She didst reply to him and told him to re-read her profile
And that she is sharing life with a wonderful goat
She is so sweet…truly Thy Lard is Blessed
She also sent him a photo of a cat
And that
Was that
Well, no
It wasn’t
For he replied to her reply with the usual
Scorned Saskman bullshit
Of her being a vile troll
(Breathing…vile? Thy Lard hath not seen it in all the years we’ve been together)
That “men hate cats”
(Thy Lard didst not know this)
And “any man who likes cats is either gay or whipped”
(Thy Lard didst not know this, either – this man is a fount of knowledge)
Oh, and he did ask: “What the hell is a goat?”
Thy Lard pondereth a moment and sayeth:
“Oh, that’s easy…a goat was your prom date.”
Then Thy Lard reconsidereth:
“And likely your mother…same difference.”
Thy Lard smiled and leaned back, Most Satisfied.
Thy Lard also supposeth that a lot of men hate cats
And prefer to have dogs as pets
Or some, similar large animal
Which they could have sex with
When they strike out at the grocery stores
And the ale houses they frequent
As they try (unsuccessfully) to pick up
Women about 30 years younger than they
Thy Lard understands you, O Slopebrowed Saskman
It’s truly a Real Test
To read all those words on someone’s profile
Before trying to reel them into a coffee date
But
Please do give it a try on the next one
Oh….
What the hell is a goat?
All this you see here
Amen
=============================================
Ah, peoples is fun. I resisted the urge to lay out his profile name, but he is 48 and lives in Regina. That explains a lot, really. How much does he spend in porno and Jergen's?
It's more than I make, ah reckon.
Okay..enough taunting. Later, eh? | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/13/2008 5:43:12 PM | Why, thanks, Sunoir. I was inspired. And, after another e-mail exchange with him, I may have more.
Saskman cometh. He may here any minute. Careful, now...he's a wee bit surly.
Nice night...I may hang around for a bit. | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 4905 | |
| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:21:58 PM | Lurk Lurk
I once met a girl from Regina
who had an amazing vagina
so lovely and tight
I played there all night
she left and I canna find her
..
.
You are truly a bad influence on my innocence Goat
..
.
 | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:14:48 PM | Hello all. A lovely day here in Toon Town.
Good to see Longte here in the barn again…yeah, I’m a bad influence, but I really like to see what you do with it. Man, that was gewd. Very gewd. Thanks a ton, mate!
Oh, I’ve been having a few exchanges with that fella from Regina yesterday. Here’s what he sent to me after I told him, politely, that he should read profiles before charging in and contacting people:
=====================================
What's a matter? She can't fight her own battles? What ever happened to equal opportunity.
You're more of a joke than her. What a putz!
======================================
Charming, eh? I then replied that she just chose to drop all contact with him and that’s when I decided to write. I do love to talk to these guys once in a while…it provides me with so much entertainment. Oh, and I sent him some POF flowers…I have all these darn points I have no idea what to do with. I did suggest that he put them in something moist right away, like his greasy mangina. That didn’t go off well, as he said:
========================================
You're one sick, gay mother ______. You should learn to spell, and get more of a life that some pansy poetry corner on a dating site. Both of you are obtuse.
=========================================
There’s that “gay” thing again. This is what Saskmen are like and I truly don’t blame any women wanting to leave this province and go elsewhere. God knows the gene pools around here aren’t good for catching anything in except for itchy thighs.
I did reply to him and I actually kept that comeback (unlike the others). He’ll likely never read it, as he blocked me. Cheap, huh? Good thing I have it right here:
==========================================
Obtuse? Goodness...I've never...
Oh, wait...I have been called obtuse before but by better people than you. Learn to spell? Got it. I'll double-check all my correspondence before sending it to you -- I know you mark hard.
Aren't you the prototypical slopebrowed Saskman (two self-coined words...don't bother looking them up) I've heard rumours (Canadian spelling) that you exist. It is an honour (still Canadian spelling) to have met you.
Say, that's the second time you labeled me as gay. Are you struggling to come out of the closet? Don't be afraid, man...embrace the rainbow and wear those fluorescent lime-green tights. G'wan...break free and give your queer self some room to run.
Want some more flowers? Here ya are...you can put them where you put the last bunch.
Hugs to you, you ol' butt-pirate.
GS
===========================================
He never received those flowers and I’m a little hurt. If you have any flowers to spare, please send them to PaschionateRomantik and tell him they’re from me. You can even suggest where he puts them, but he may have a good idea.
Okay…a poem is on its way unless the POF admins decide to ban me for a while. It’ll be worth it, ah reckon.
Laters… | |
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longte
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Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 4907 | |
| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:21:35 PM | Lurking laugh
PaschionateRomantik
Is that some type of Romanian Passionfruit?
Or maybe just the fruity bit
Join you on the banned list Goat
Keep smiling mate
..
.
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:39:54 PM | Hi Longte! I'm still smiling. I don't know what kind of fruit he is, but he is a bitter one. I think he's some kind of salesman that's having trouble with turning 50 in a few years. He's already grown a mustache and may have a driving cap and likely wears it around the house.
Hey, it came with the convertible...
Okay, as promised, here's today's offering of blunt-force poetry. My apologies to William Blake:
=======================================
Saskman Cometh – Get A Towel
Saskman! Saskman! None too bright
In the public houses of the night
See him stare, see him grasp
At any passing piece of ass
What doth propel this malformed man
Besides wrestling and meals-from-a-can?
Does he sing like a soloist in a choir
When his loins doth burn like fire?
See these gnarled hands, the knuckles drag
Anyone smarter than him is labelled a fag
He loves Toby Keith and has nuts on his truck
He scretly snacks on urinal pucks
On weekends, Saskman loves to howl
He never will concede or throw in the towel
For when he’s alone and is totally pissed
He watches porno and humps his fist
Some saskmen are articulate, some are not
Most have the literary talent of crusty snot
When he gets angry, his “paschion” does rise
The veneer of mild education cannot disguise
Saskman! Saskman! O, do take flight
From this wretch, be he ever so slight
Do not accept him, even if he pays cash
He will tickle you with his pubic-hair mustache
===========================================
And I'll bet almost all Saskmen think they went to school with William Blake. Used ta drive a Ford, he did...
..ergh...Saskatchewan is the flattest land on earth...culturally, educationally and any other way you can think of.
Okay...see yer tomorrow...
G'night! | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:30:09 PM | Hey...I'm still here! Wow!
Been a tiring day at work, so I'll just plop in a haiku and be on my way:
==========================
Flog the anteater!
Punish the armless monkey!
It sure beats working
===========================
But I'll just go to bed now...g'night! | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:15:35 PM |  Goat....you are a dag!
(that's a compliment over here)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Beware old Goats
And Dragons are such fun too!
Just add some smelly onions
And we'd have us a winter stew!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pickles: Next time..dont waste time on condiments
Grab the man!  | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:24:56 AM | Whuf! It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry about that -- been a little ill these last few days. It was a lot of fun and really confirmed to me that daytime TV absolutely sucks.
Thanks to Champrins...good to see you up and posting again. I can be the daggiest of dags. Thanks for sending some flowers to a friend....I'm sure he loves them and is planting them as you read this.
Okay...'tis Sunday and it's time for the sermon. It's a long one...I kinda got carried away. Here we go -- skim it if you'd like:
==========================================
Psalm 55 -- The Book of Goat
Thy Lard is back from an illness
It was a bit of something, let Thy Lard tell thee
Fevers, pain, doziness
The feeling of His own mind
Just packing up and heading out of Dodge
Crazy
But Thy Lard is back now and feeling Much Better
Needless to say, Thy Lard had some time
To watch (ick) daytime TV
There was a show (or several, Thy Lard can’t remember)
About the severity of climate change
And what it will do to the planet
All the “experts” that were interviewed
Were so dismayed that people don’t take the dangers seriously
I’m sure some of the experts were of more flexible minds
Than they were portrayed as in the film
But they wrung their hands (figuratively, of course)
For people to wake up and “do something”
Thy Lard (though he was in a feverish state and may have yelled at the TV) wondered
What can people do about it?
We have been told all what we can do…thou knowest all the hits:
Drive less
Recycle, reduce, reuse
Turn off the lights when not in use
Etc, etc, etc…
In that particular film, they didst not get around to what anyone can do
But that people should “wake up” and “do something”
So, this morning, Thy Lard did not turn on the bathroom light
When He went to use the Holy Facilities
And He recycled the cereal box when He was done with it
So far, there are no news reports concerning the halt of global warming
Perhaps if Thy Lard recycles the milk jug, too…?
Thy Lard thinketh that though human activity may be adding to global temperature rise
Ever so slightly
There are forces greater than human beings
(Imagine…forces GREATER than human beings?)
That are adding a lot more to the same temperature rise
Actually this Earth has seen a lot of temperature changes
Over the last few billion years
Thy Lard thinketh the last glacial age ended roughly 15,000 years ago
Since then, the Earth hath been experiencing Global Warming
And not because several billion Wooly Mammoths were
Driving their SUVs too much
Could it be there are GREATER FORCES at work here?
Something WELL BEYOND human capability?
(But certainly not beynd HUMAN EGO, which is astoundingly powerful, but only for humans)
Thy Lard hath had His coffee now and is now almost ready to rant
His apologies are forthcoming
But…
The Earth’s constantly changing nature is what gives Life
The changes can be violent in nature as the planet shifts and shrugs and re-forms
There’s a lot more of us humans here now, so we’re getting in the way
We humans also see more now and have better ways to communicate
So we know when something “bad” happens almost immediately
And, like children of soon-to-be-divorced parents
We blame ourselves for it all
Yeah, okay…negative narcissism is still narcissism
Truth is
The Earth is can be harmful to us
The Universe is harmful to the Earth
Time is harmful to the Universe
Time is harmful to Itself
It’s all relative -- get used to it
Having said all that, Thy Lard is all for Living Simply
Using less
Reusing what He may discard
Giving away what He doesn’t need
And, He knoweth
It’s always a good idea to not shit where He may eat
Amen
===============================================
Yeah, that show ticked me off. I'm over it now that I wrote that ramble.
Oh, well...back to my coffee. Laters! | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:58:09 AM | Flowers
I sent a bunch of flowers
To someone who needed a lift
I didnt expect the response I got
To my timely and sweet smelling gift
He told me just to stay away
I think WEIRD was the word he used
Weird people was all he really said
It left me feeling confused
His lack of eloquent structuring
Lack of knowing of goats and of men
Well it left me wondering what he would think
If a Dragon visited him
I wonder at some people
Who have never spent time in a barn
He told me to shove my flowers
In a place they would come to no harm
But sadly, I havent heard back from him
Do you think I should heed his advice?
I know sh*ts organically happy
But I dont really think that was nice
Besides [being earthy and countryish]
I know after time they will wilt
And how would I get them out again
If I buried them up to the hilt
And so I am left in a quandry
I had sent him that note with such glee
If someone doesnt respond does it mean
That he's not interested in me?
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/22/2008 7:09:08 PM | Ha! Salty...that was the best 'un I read in a while. Brilliant! Beautiful! Sweet smelling! Tremendous!
Thank you so much for bringing it to the barn..you are the best, eh?
Me? Just happening by. Yesterday was such an annoying day, I just had to come home and turn myself off from it. Must be the heat...been getting pretty warm here in Saskabush. Maybe that's why our "friend" rejected his gifts from us. Maybe we'll catch him on a better day? He has me blocked, so I can't send him anything..
...and I have so many flowers to give away....sniff...
Well, here's a haiku to pass the time...
==================================
Virtual posies
Stacking up just like cordwood
Only to send out
===================================
I'm thinking he needs more flowers...he can't block us all, right?
Heh heh...okay, g'night! | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/25/2008 9:07:19 PM | Whopping big pansies
Caught up in ravishing bows
deevine but don't touch
Hey hey goatiness....
you and the luvverly breathing are, I'm sure, taking time to smell the flowers? you are?
Oh how WONDERFUL.......Are you too becoming a Saskman???
Somehow Ontman don't have the same ringy dingy ...do it? | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/28/2008 7:53:03 PM | Hello all....took a little break there. Been too nice outside to be in here writing and carrying on. Besides, Breathing and I have a half-marathon to train for soon. More running...running...running.....wheeeeeeeee!
Hi Pickles! Breathing and I are smelling the flowers, but neither of us can be converted to Saskism. We just can't seem to get to that level of -uh- enlightenment yet. I'm sure there are better paths to follow, though...
I do like Ontman...Ontarioman? Torontoman? That sounds like a failed superhero...there may be a poem in thar somewheres.
Speaking of found poetry....I got this in my junkmail today, the subject line read "godfather frenchmen":
==================================
cadmium adjective code
kindle restaurant sperry? via, code handiwork.
via facade bunkmate doctrinaire omnipresent stateroom, plywood
carbon doctrinaire boardinghouse doctrinaire imagine.
gloom introspect.
====================================
It's the kind of jumbled crap that lends itself to bad poetry. Naturally, I was intrigued and slapped this down:
=====================================
Godfather Frenchmen
Code handiwork via façade
Omnipresent bunkmate
Carbon plywood boardinghouse
Kindle cadmium restaurant
Sperry doctrinaire gloom
Introspect
Imagine
=====================================
I may try another one tomorrow with the same bit of e-mail fluff. God knows I'm looking for poetical inspiration.
Alrighty...that'll do for tonight. G'night! | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/28/2008 8:02:50 PM | gotta give dat un a whirl Goat. LOL
Cadium Gloom CoDe
kindle introspect adjective via carbon fascade restaraunt sperry
bunkmate handiwork - plywood omnipresent
imagine boardinghouse doctrinaire
stateroom doctrinaire
doctrinaire | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:00:42 AM | Its a little like BM's thread for postitis!
==============
marathon runners
pound soggy sneakers on roads
to blazing glory
==============
And I am still too outta whack to go running
Instead....
==============
nicotine laden
lungs bespeak of a swimming
australian crawl
==============
 | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:02:05 PM | Howdy ya'll. Just passing through with some more words here...not much, really.
Lunarlunacy...love it. I think there's not enough verbs in that chunk of spam that I got to really make decent poetry. Perhaps I should e-mail that spammer and let him (or her..it is possible) that he (or she) is lacking in the action words. Love your effort...thanks, eh?
Hello to champrins...a great pair! Of haikus, I mean. The run this morning was a bit on the exhausting side, but we'll get back into shape pretty soon. We're from hearty stock...I think.
Okay...I've got some more lines from that chunk o' spam I got yesterday. Let's go for take #2:
===================================
Plywood Handiwork
Cadmium Sperry introspect
Façade omnipresent
Imagine cadmium restaurant
Frenchmen bunkmate kindle
Via Godfather
====================================
Yep...that one is just about exhausted. Maybe I'll have more tomorrow, but I'm thinking that shallow mine is depleted. We'll see.
G'night, eh? | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:35:24 PM | That actually almost made sense! lol Gotta luv spam...
A friend once told me someone phoned and asked him to find a hit man for her
(the whole godfather things kinda stood out there)
Lets see what I can do with it
=============================
Godfather's Cadmium Handiwork
Imagine Frenchmen's Bunkmate Kindled
Omnipresent Cadmium 'Battery'
Via Restaurant's Plywood Façade
Godfather Sperry Introspect
=============================
Dear Lord
Deliver us more evil
And lead us to the promised spam
Got any more? | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:29:30 PM | Just Had to stop in and tip me hat to the Goat and his lady!!
Good to peek in the old walls
Things right now are tough
But I find peace reading here
It release the stressful stuff
Dipped me clothes
In The Holy water once more
Hope ya don't mind
It's one less chore
You hang up an air freshener?
I smell something new
Or did the Goat just eat one
To liven up his poo?
Ok That was bad I know
But It's my Humor tonight
I've done tipped back more than me hat
And I'm feeling alright
Missing ya'll
More than ya know
Hope to be back on more often
But for now I must go!!
Hugs
Sam
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|
om-
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Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 4921 | |
| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 8/6/2008 9:45:22 PM | ^^funny gal, Mari
it must be summer
cause the barn door's open
twas due for an airing
cause the rest of us were chokin'
scrub him good breathing!
`````
August Heat
Tonight, night runs the streets
Here in the city
Sure there are days
I see them a lunch
But riding my bike at night, through the heat
Street lamps will offer their necks
----
was fly over the prairies just now
I got lost...:/
take your time pickles, summer's here...:) | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 8/7/2008 7:46:38 PM | Hello Mari and Oooommmmmm!
You guys are the best. The barn was getting a little stuffy, weren't it? I was just wandering the outdoors, getting back into the running thing with Breathing -- we have another half marathon in October to plod through -- and just enjoying the (often too hot) weather.
Poetry has not been an easy thing to do these days. Maybe I'm building up some inventory now that will be packaged and displayed here in the cooler months? Dunno, really.
It's awful good to see youse guys here. You are the best. Breathing and I are in contact with Pickles. I have to admit, it makes me scratch my head (more often than usual) but everything works out in the end...right?
Often it works out before the end, too.
Okay...back to showering with Breathing. Hey, someone has to scrub the undercarriage.
Laters! | |
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om-
|
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 4923 | |
| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 8/9/2008 11:00:43 AM | Naw, you're the best, goat!
well, god knows I really dig this guy, but, as a spokes person for handtools...
``````
Eventually, Things Break Down
Hey Joe, where you going with that staple gun in your hand?
You know, when you throw your tools around like that
they will soon decide that it is better to resign
than to be in he hands of a mad man
All the other tools are talking
They’re complaining about their insurance rates
and word around the oil cooler is
the electrics are planning a re-volt
and the pneumatics want to nail you to the wall, but can’t.
Now, even the chisels and tape measure have a chip on their shoulders
and are trying to convince the other hand tools
to work to, rule-of-thumb
Measures must be taken, Joe
Most of us know you are a great Union Rep
but the tools are beginning to grow their own feet and wander
Don’t let them abandon you
You need them
As much we do
``````
ma, a bit tongue and cheeky, but I'm sure he'll get a wee chuckle.
Tell me, Goat, does your smart car follow you when you run? lol..kidding
cheers eh | |
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| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 8/14/2008 8:49:52 PM | Sorry I'm late. The poetry still ain't there yet -- it's bubbling under the surface, though...
Good 'un, Om. And I agree with you about them tools that abuse their tools. It just seems a bit wrong when someone treats their bread and butter that way. Sorta like having a dump in your fridge and parking it next to the leftover potroast.
Hey, man...the Goat digs you and your words too, eh? You speak good and write even better.
The smart car? It never follows us, but it waits patiently for us while we do run. We'll be taking that car for a drive south and getting ourselves into a looooong bike ride for charity. We may have a few stiff muscles after it's all done, but it'll be a good time.
For now, a haiku of sorts:
===================================
Not enough padding
Between buttocks and bike seat
Pain always creeps in
===================================
Yep...I may have to wear a diaper. Y'know...for the padding. Oh, and the absorbency.
See you after the fun! G'night! | |
|
om-
|
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 4925 | |
| A Barn By Any Other Name...
Posted: 8/23/2008 1:18:23 PM | hey you'se two, hope your burns and cheeks have recovered.
thanks for your kind words, Goat.
and thank goodness for weekends, eh?
`````````````````````````````````
Morning Breaks
Some mornings there is a quiet buzz but nothing is in it
I’ve watched it gather the workers returning from stone
(especially Monday mornings)
We sit around a tree like a poem
Or in a row along the windows
Watch the birds come and go
They hop on the gravel at our feet | |
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