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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:44:25 PM | jojoflife:
It appears there was "chemistry" for the physical, but the chemistry isn't enough to make up for the rest of the gazillion pieces needed for a good match for each other.
I think one needs to start somewhere. In my own experience 'chemistry' is actually where I begin. Very early on, I know if apart from 'chemistry' there is another deeper 'connection' that would keep us coming back to each other. It is balancing act. In fact I consider 'chemistry' and 'connection' to be very much part of each other. It isn't purely physical, quite contrary. I can't build my relationship purely on common interest, but I do have many friends whom I share same interests.
I find it is very typical to hear on forums, when things don't work out, I hear those kind of comments: she/he wasn't so much into you
or let that one go, there is something better for you
or he/she was into mind games and testing you
or he/she used you
These are the most common responses, which I find too cliche, easy to be applied if the situation didn't go the way we planned.
There isn't really one straight answer ~OP~ that one can offer here, IMO so take it all with the grind of salt.
Sometimes, things progress so fast, that we feel dizzy, and must take things little bit on slower pace. Don't blame yourself or her for 'diving into the experience' this is normal and human...but now is the time slow down little bit and get to know each other. But if you will try to run and attempt to catch three chickens at the same time, chances are you won't catch any one of them. Good luck on your journey, and most importantly have lots of fun, don't push so hard, usually you will see the opposite effect. La Jaconde  | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:45:17 PM | Nutcase...? She feels smothered? Well, during sex did you shove a pillow into her face or what? She is keeping her options open - "feeling smothered" - it's a crock.
You know, it's no wonder men don't understand us women! How could they? Girls like Mel make our gender look nuts.
Sorry buddy but I say move on. Her loss. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:46:11 PM | | Sounds to me like this young lady is telling you the relationship is too intense and is moving too quickly. She can suggest you see the other women; doesn't mean you have to. So you get to decide if she's worth the risk of letting the other two go. Take a chance ~ what's the worst that can happen? Give her space, back up, slow down and let it grow in its own time. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:53:28 PM | Been in the exact situation. Awesome sex too soon in the relationship and then all of a suddent I found myself asking what is the relationship? My fault for going to fast, but don't we have the choice of slowing down to get to know eachother better. To come up for air and find a balance in our lives with what was going on in our lives before along with what may be going on now? Hmmmm....if you don't want to slow down, then leave her alone. Maybe calling each day or the passion of awesome sex too soon scared her into reality of trying to start over with dating and getting to know you more. You keeping two others on the side while sleeping with her also may be making her see if you are just a player.
Whatever it is you want, you need to take the chance.
Best of luck! | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:05:22 PM | Unbeleivable here.
Okay here is my freaking two cents.
she wants to reign it in- whats that mean you say?
She want to slow it down and see if she is really what you are looking for
because she likes you and she can see that with you and your history with
the other women- it could go no where real fast with you.
She does not want to slide into the fuck friend she wants to be the everything friend
and maybe does not know how to get through to you because as soon as she
said "holding back the sex for a while" you saw it as the end of the relationship-
sex my friend is the icing on the cake of a good relationship- getting along,
communication, sharing life together- thats the relationship. You can not build
a solid foundation for a relationship based solely on how good the sex is.
There will be times when it will suck for one of you- but the feelings for
each other will still be there.
I dont think she is backing off at all- I think she sees the reality of the
situation with you and wants more and knows maybe in a few you cant
give that to her so she is reigning the most important part, the part
where she gives herself totally to you, in. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:18:23 PM | OK.. I suppose some may bash me for this, but here goes.
I have never, since my divorce 10 years ago, waited longer than the 3rd date to have sex, and usually it is by the second.
Superstud??? Not by a long shot. I am well into my 50's and I NEVER push for sex the first date, and it has always been the female who made the advances.
There was only one time when it was something I regretted. I thought there may have been a chance for a connection, and there wasn't. In all other cases we ended up seeing each other for some time, and I am in fact still friends with a couple, although we ended our relationship some time ago.
The secret I believe is to have a significant amount of communication before you meet. Seems to work for me... you weed out those that you really don't have much in common with. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:23:37 PM | Too many people and not enough substance...sooner or later..your going to sit back and find that the one thing you both had in common...was sex. You just met her and all of a sudden the attention was too much..too fast and she is concerned that it will not last a lifetime because.....it went too fast...like a flash of fireworks...it ends in a whisp of smoke and all there is to do is to go home.
I really don't see this as being complicated....she probably knew you still had a few gals you were seeing and she didnt want to be part of your harem.
The object is to keep the fire below from burning out too quickly...start slow and let it grow....for a long ...long time..not in just a few weeks. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:27:39 PM | | This is the problem...it's not that she's one of many, I told her when we started dating that there was more than one person that I was seeing (and she was in the same position) but I also told her that I'm looking for a relationship and if things click that I'd be willing to forgo the others. I've been totally open about that and she hasn't said a word, in fact I know that she's been on other dates as well. The buyers remorse thought is what I think it is...too much too soon I guess although for me it was never only about sex. If all I wanted was sex I could find some skanky girl, her class is what attracts me to this girl. In addition, it was very mutual, I was completely relaxed and didn't push for sex. It happened naturally and we were both glowing for days afterwards. It is definitely difficult to go back to holding hands although I would be willing to do that for her if I knew that she wanted what I do. I'm having a hard time with this not being "official." To me it's either I have a girlfriend or I don't...I feel like if I were to touch anyone else she'd be jealous and break things off, yet if I try to make her my girlfriend exclusively she feels smothered. What do I have? A celibate life and a part time, maybe girlfriend? That's not why I came on here. We talked about this last night and she told me explicitly to not stop seeing other people...If it didn't upset me so much I'd break it off and move on but I really like this girl, I adore her, I think she's beautiful and I really want it to work. I'm trying to be flexible and sensitive to what she needs from me but at the same time I don't want to put myself in a crappy situation where I'm being walked on or manipulated. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:42:13 PM | jacq 69, You sound like the chick in this relationship.
Check and make sure you still have your balls, I think not.
Re-read your posts, she own's you.
It's just so complicated, huh? ah, yeah, right...
That's official, sorry dude.
read Diablera Bruja's post - she's the only woman giving an honest, no b.s. response.
it's just common sense. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:44:42 PM | Your Answer:
There are two types of women...and this situation could fall into either.
Either you're too affectionate for her, and she needs to miss you...pull back, don't pull out, or...
She's falling for you, it's scaring her, but she wants you to be exclusive, and doesn't want to be 'just' one of many. However, she wants 'you' to be able to say that to her, instead of her being able to say that to you.
When a woman gives you 'free reign' it's a test to see how serious you really are about her. The majority of women use this, because they get scared and don't know how to ask a man, normally, because of the previous responses they've received from other men.
Both situations are understandable, and it depends on if she's an independent type that needs 'LOTS OF SPACE', or an interdependent type, whereas she wants to be thought of as, 'THE ONLY ONE.'.
Here's how to tell: Drop the other gals and inform her. Then, ask her out again. Tell her you're serious about her, and you've fallen for her, but you will give her all the time in the world to get to that point, if she's not there, yet. That will give you your answer, pronto! If she says, that's not what she was after...say, "ok, I read it wrong, and I'll pull back." Don't call her for at least a week. Let her call you, instead!
If she doesn't call...you had nothing but a fling. Say thanks, enjoy the moment and move on. If she does call you, well...move slow, but be thankful...she really is interested in you. :)
angel | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:48:14 PM | I can hear you, that you really just want to continue and grow the relationship with her. Communicate that to her, but this also means you need to stop seeing other people, IMO.
She wants to slow down, fine... cut down on sex fine, this won't kill you for the time being. But I think be clear with her, "what does not 'official' yet" means??? I don't understand this either. Sometimes there is some miscommunication, so do talk to her what it means. If you honestly put an effort, and feel she is cold and not responsive, then pick up yourself, and off you go to the next life adventure.
I hear you really, really, really want her, do the best you can, but don't torture yourself, if she is not responding to you, then she won't be worth your time, this is always true. My 3 cents. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:50:19 PM | When things get too complex in any relationship, the best thing is to step back, take a breather, and most important give the other person a breather.... if you think she is a keeper... do as she says, and give the relationship a chance by not bringing third and forth parties into it.... just a thought....  | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:53:58 PM |
I wonder if you know who you are and what you want from a relationship. Who are YOU?
Jojo, maybe you could have answered that at the OPs age (26), but I sure couldn't have. In many ways, for me, the journey to understanding all that constitutes the "who" of my being is one that will never fully end. So, it's a lot to ask of a 26 year old, I think.
the chemistry isn't enough to make up for the rest of the gazillion pieces needed for a good match for each other. I suggest you take this as a learning experience and get to know someone on several levels before you get too physical.
What usually happens, at least for me, is that without the "physical", I lose interest, assume the attraction is merely lukewarm, and so "none of the pieces" are ever in place for any sort of meaningful connection. I read the story as, at least they had good sex a few times, scratched each other's "itch", and "too bad it didn't last".
It's really just the way it goes in dating and mating. We try on a lot of different people, hoping to find a good fit. Some don't fit at all. Some fit, when we first try them on, but upon further reflection, really don't fit well. Then, sometimes, someone fits well for an extended period of time. If we think someone "might be" a fit, the only way to find out is to try that person on, and yes, for me, that begins with allowing the chemistry to lead to where it naturally does.
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 4:08:59 PM | | I think I've figured it out...and I do still have my balls btw. I'm simply at a point where I don't want to play anyone. I like this girl. That said, I think what I've read here is to just leave the relationship be and let her come to me. If she really likes me then that should happen right? I'll just carry on with my life and I'm guessing that when she does see me and we spend some time building a solid relationship that the sex won't be gone for long. As for the other women, I'm going to keep my options open but at an arms length to allow Mel into my life. I guess I've been too active and haven't let her come to me. Thanks for all the advice. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 4:11:12 PM | Too much too soon. This is why I personally advocate going slow, especially about getting physical. If all you want is a roll in the hay, fine. No big deal. But if you're looking for an ongoing relationship, I think it's better to get to know each other first.
This woman sounds suspiciously controlling. She wants to decide whether you see others or not, she wants you to see other women but she wants to know if you're getting physical with them. If you decide the two of you are to be exclusive, then you're giving up seeing others. If your agreement is you're free to see other people, what you do with them is your business, not hers. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 4:24:21 PM | I think you figured it out. "That said, I think what I've read here is to just leave the relationship be and let her come to me. If she really likes me then that should happen right?"
That would be my personal strategy. But don't look at it as leaving, you are waiting, like a chess game, its her move. You aren't leaving.... | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 4:25:30 PM | OP - it's complicated as you say. Seems to me, that gal pal is having the rubber band syndrome, she's pulling back and wants to slow it down. Truthfully, you both rushed a bit too quick. I'd say seeing each other 6 times in 2 weeks, I'd feel smothered too, in such a short time.
If you're seeing other women, but your heart is still with the complicated gal pal, I suggest you hold off on sex with the others. OP - you're wanting your cake and eat it too. Gal pal is saying she wants to slow things down, you're willing to do that, but you still want the sex. ARE YOU LISTENING TO HER?? The most common gripe a woman will have is that some men DON'T listen. If you want gal pal, you've gotta think with the big head, not the little head. Also, if you are seeing other women, don't get caught by her, and don't brag about it to her.
Here's the deal between the sexes:
Men are like blow torches. They come on hot, heavy, and fast. They also blow out quickly. Women are like ovens, we warm up gradually, taking some time, but when we're hot, we're HOT. Now is the time to think with the big head. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 4:37:37 PM | Seems you have run into a bonified head game (more like head case). It seems like it'll only get worse, so why bother? Isn't it a drag that it's the best it's ever been? As they say: life's a beach. But don't let that 'beach' kick sand into your cute face.
I had a pof out here who: from day one, seemed a dreamboat. But every date was a story. The first time he fell asleep (after a week of drama) so how could I be mad - even though it was intended to be our first date/meeting.. and so long awaited? The next week ... it was overtime calling. He said 'in law enforcement, one is never allowed
the cell phone to inform one's pof date that it'd be delayed an addl. six hours' or whatever. When it's so hard to begin a romance - you can pretty much assume... it'll not get any easier. Put in your head: It's not what SHE wants... it's what YOU want. Now if I can ONLY take my own advice (smile). Good Luck - the right one is out there.
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 4:49:12 PM | "Argh! How do I win this one? She's put me in a Catch 22 where she wants me to date other people and hold out for her...I think this is a test of some sort. "
It sounds like she's playing some sort of game or she doesn't have her head on straight.
The way I'd handle the situation is to say something like "I'd prefer to date you exclusively/officially... but if you have trouble committing, that's fine... I'll look for someone else to go exclusive with."
Do not cut it off with other women in your life yet. You need that leverage in a situation like this.
Don't allow yourself to be her doormat no matter how much you like her.
And while you're not exclusive with her, it's none of her business who else you are seeing and what you're doing with them. That's privileged info that only girlfriends should be allowed to have.
And the whole withholding-sex tactic is an old scam. She's trying to control you.
Be strong and be true to yourself. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 5:00:56 PM | tell her you will give up the other two .. and see what she will say then?
it sounds like she is interested but maybe scared .. moving fast for her ..
so slow down a little .. but hey .. if you are two are going to date it should
be one at a time or you're just not willing to make real commitments and
that is what a relationships are about isn't it? | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:38:15 PM | Some people suggested that Mel is playing some sort of head games. I just want to add my little 2 cents to a pot. I don't agree with anyone saying she is into head games, not at all, and not even close. However, she is testing you, just like any normal, healthy woman would. It is part of feminine nature to say one thing, but she never would say exactly what she means, she wants you to figure her out. Any man who doesn't know that will never be fully successful with any woman.
If I may suggest any of the reading,hope I don't stretch myself, I suggest David Deida - "The way of the Superior Men"... very valuable information.
Thank you, La Jaconde | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:57:15 PM |
I think what I've read here is to just leave the relationship be and let her come to me.
It sounds to me like she has Commitmentphobia and if she does she will probably come back to you just to do the same thing again...get hot and heavy just long enough for you to get hooked again then she will back off when she sees it getting too serious.
It might do you some good to Read this book: “He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships” by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It might help you understand her more. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:07:36 PM | | Edubrother, it is far to early for OP to get familiarized with a book "He's Scared, she is scared" , IMO... . In this book, the author describes one partner as active avoider of and the other is passive. This is hardly the case in OP's situation. He doesn't have a history with her to draw a conclusion she is afraid of commitment. This is too early to judge the situation. You could be in a casual relationship with someone for months, and they could be commitment phobia. Every relationship goes through some stages, and if you are stuck on one of the stages, and unable to progress to next, then you could investigate the idea of commitmentphobia, but not in OP's case, IMO. | |
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| Complicated situation...
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:13:48 PM | | That woman sounds about as usefull as a crap flavored candy, spit it out, quit playing the games with this psycho broad, and get another...Women are like strawberries, it just sounds like you got some bruised fruit...if you go to the store, you'll find whole flats of them...good luck Mr feelings....like when I hear my co workers complaining and ****ing.."my **** hurts" | |
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