| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 5:03:39 PM | I think someone is only too picky when their selection standards rules out 99% of the eligible singles out there. When they have the standards very high to the point where next to no one can fulfill their wants...and worse if those who can wouldn't want said picky person.
It's ok to be picky to a degree. After all, we don't want to end up with someone we are not into...but one's selection standards should not be so tight that barely anyone can fulfill it. Have a few "must haves" and then toss the rest out. Get to know people who have those few must haves and see if it's a good match in the long run.
Laundry lists only keep people single...not find them perfect mates. One cannot think they will find a 100% perfect match on initial meet. The perfect match comes over time. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 5:06:56 PM | | You shouldn't just settle for anyone, but at the same time yes you can be too picky. If you or anyone is holding out for perfect, you will never get anywhere as there are no perfect people. | |
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m8hem
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Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 28 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 7:04:07 PM | If you have taken the time to consider what your uncompromisable traits/behaviours are...the deal-breakers let's say, then you are only being true to yourself and cannot be thought of as too picky. The key is really knowing who you are and what you must have in a relationship - the things that you didn't get and wanted in your past relationships (the fundamentals...not the small annoying habits - everyone has these). Ask yourself is it all that bad if the person does not have this or that about them? But, if you just know deep down that it's just not feeling right, then what is the point of dragging it on - eventually, you might just end that relationship while waiting for the better thing to come along...and then you were never true to yourself nor your partner. And yes, we often are blinded with hope while "in" the relationship still, but if your gut feeling is telling you something or if there's that constant doubt...even after a heart-felt talk and no progression of change...then it's your choice to decide what happens next. Why are you wasting time?
I have been in a couple of very long term relationships and have also lived with my boyfriends...it was a great opportunity to really see what worked and what didn't. Take the chance now to reflect back on those relationships that didn't work and make notes of the good and the very bad...those very bad things are probably the things that you don't want again in your next relationship. Keep these close to your heart, but keep an open-mind for the new potential to show you with actions what he/she is capable of.
A friend once asked me, what is the difference between "acceptance" and "settling". To settle is never a good thing. You will feel an emptiness, a void. Accepting is different...these are things that are the "nice" to have lists. So yeah, there are plenty of fish out there, and plenty of nice people but only a small few will knock your socks off. And everyone's list is different. Some people just want comfort and enjoy the simple connection...others like myself look for a deeper connection and I really want to understand my partner - and yes agreed, sometimes you really need to "learn" about the person...their mental/emotional make-up before that chemistry beyond the physical is ignited!!! Once you experience it, it's a wonderful feeling...and you just can't wait to see them again :) | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 9:15:26 PM | I do think the dynamics shift quite a bit depending on our age and experience, but the 'am I being too picky' question never seems to go away.
A key question is how comfortable we feel with being single. Some of us are quite content to lead fulfilling single lives until we find a partner we feel comfortable being in a relationship with. Others, particularly in my age bracket and older, dread the idea of aging without a mate. I fall into the first category, but for the latter group, I could easily understand compiling a much shorter list of 'deal breakers'.
When asked why I'm single, I sometimes offhandedly reply that I'm both picky and peculiar, so the field of prospects is fairly small. But it's really more complicated than that.
My past relationships have taught me much about myself and which red flags to pay the most attention to, but there are many traits others are far more selective about than I am. Specific ambitions, careers, income levels, interests, and even age mean far less to me than a certain attitude and outlook on life that is more of an "I'll know it when I see it" than something I could lay out in great detail. I spend most of the getting-to-know-each-other period trying to get some sense of what values someone has and how she thinks, and whether she has a primarily positive outlook on life. Add in the chemistry factor and I get a pretty good sense of potential.
But underlying it all is my comfort level with staying single until I get the chance to embark on a quality relationship. That allows me to enjoy each day for what it offers, and not leap too quickly into something I don't have a strong sense could turn out well. That probably means I deserve the 'picky' label, but it works for me.
Dave | |
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CHRMZ
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Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 30 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:39:10 PM | | I'm 37, never been married no children, sometimes I wonder if that kind of thing will ever happen for me. Am I being too Picky? Or is it something else? Either way I think I'm done with doing this by myself. ( not healthy) Maybe I'm just ready now? I love all kinds of different people but there are certain qualities that have to be in place for a relationship to work. Picky or not, it a no go without a real connection. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:52:05 AM | I know that chenistry is important and that people do say that the "click" should be there, however they chemistry meter is a little to fussy in the 30's. Just relax maybe try it again....
I know I gave some one that I chancew that I thought was just way to much out of my league and it was great.... | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:11:47 AM | | I agree with you I find myself wondering if I'm too picky also, but holding out for chemistry is definately NOT the wrong thing to do. There has to be something there between both people and if there is not then there's not there is nothing we can do about that situation. And I totally know about more and more first dates, it is definately a draw back and can be frustrating too. | |
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bsg789
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 33 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:21:37 AM |
I agree with you I find myself wondering if I'm too picky also, but holding out for chemistry is definately NOT the wrong thing to do. There has to be something there between both people and if there is not then there's not there is nothing we can do about that situation.
I agree that there should be chemistry in a relationship. But I don't think there needs to be instant chemistry. Sometimes chemistry can develop when 2 people begin to know each other better. That's why I would go out with a man 2-3 times before making a decision. Unless there was something about him that was an obvious dealbreaker. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/29/2008 11:23:01 AM | I think being picky can sometimes bite you on the bum!
POF is a shining example!
If i talk to a girl on the phone, even if its just checking my bank balance, we will have a great conversation, it will last a lot longer than it should and i still wont find out my balance!
In public girls will comment on my accent!
They find it quite sexy!
Born in Leeds, Lived in London with Aussies and Kiwi's, work with the Irish!
I have picked up quite a unique twang!
I'm intelligent enough to talk on anyones playing field too!
I come on POF, they take one look at my picture and think "He's a bald axe murderer"
Not a chance in hell!
Your loss girls! | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 12:03:10 AM | Being PICKY as if it is a bad word is simply a product of EVOLUTION hello if our liniage was any less picky we would be total feable creature that would only live to 50
we owe our "here to come" family some major evolution and hopefully in a way better direction. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:00:52 AM | | you might be to picky but it is your life and choice.look most of the time we are attracted to people that are not good for us.also hers my favorite line,women want a bradd pitt but they do not look like angie jolie think about it. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:20:38 AM | I think when people talk about someone being too picky, what they really mean is that too many people have unrealistic expectations. Too many people think they're going to find their Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. That some investment banker or trust fund baby is going to drop into their lap. Of course those are on the high end of what people expect. There are people that expect a lot less, and are still over-reaching. I'm probably one of 'em.  | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:59:03 AM | Hmmm... Interesting. What if you never see them at all. Then it's all personality and communication. In the end if that attaction bares fruit the physical attaction is meaning less. Love is not just in the eyes it's in the heart and mind as well.
--Peace | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 10:46:47 AM | mjduke-------
I wish you were right life would be a nicer place and defiantly more happy but, man it just don't flow that way. It's too bad but, it is what it is. All I want is a MAN a real MAN and that alone is hard enough to find. Now you never know if I said male >6'2, large structure, brown hair, blue eyes, has a caree vs job, has reliable transportation, likes to hunt and camp. Then I said will not bend any, all are must's then I would be rude and NOONE COULD EVER COUNT HOW MANY GREAT PEOPLE I MISSED. but like it or not we are simply putting ads out to attract potental mates. Wierd this is what it has come done to. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 12:44:02 PM | My experience is that not only are many on POF too picky, but they do their picking with little to no data.
I know that certainly with me, there is a whole wealth of the "real me" that isn't visible without a little one-on-one time and a little effort to scratch the surface.
Without being big headed, I know I have a lot to offer - far more than could be gleaned from the way many on here seem to go about their selection. I also know that unless somebody actually took the time to actually get to know me (rather than interview me), none of it would be visible through the usual methods on a site such as POF.
That is why I have my profile set to hidden. I need people to know the real me - not whatever they'll decide to see through their selection process. I know it's highly unlikely to happen on here, so I don't bother.
The very nature of this medium makes seeing the real value in people unlikely to happen - particularly if people are making their decisions about people based on whether they measure up to some arbitrary and superficial requirements they have in their head.
I see many "shopping lists" of what is needed. Worse, I see many negative shopping lists of what they don't want - always a turn off.
Most of the time, when I see the profiles that are mainly a list of requirements, I'm prompted to think: "OK, and what have you got to offer this successful candidate in return... I'm not seeing that much."
Sure, don't settle, but try to remember that there are quite a few princes out there you could miss if you're immediately assuming everybody is "frog until proven prince".
Of course, that doesn't apply to me - 'cause I'm definitely a prince.
 | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 12:47:35 PM |
think when people talk about someone being too picky, what they really mean is that too many people have unrealistic expectations. Too many people think they're going to find their Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. That some investment banker or trust fund baby is going to drop into their lap. Of course those are on the high end of what people expect. There are people that expect a lot less, and are still over-reaching. I'm probably one of 'em.
The best part is WHERE DID ANGIE AND BRAD MEET? At work! They also are similar in level of attractiveness, socio-economic status and have common interests. It's not brain surgery!
I would never have the cheek to think I'd find my "Brad Pitt" online. Don Cheadle or Jeff Goldblum, but not Brad Pitt. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 2:36:12 PM | Posted By: Snarkysmachine on 7/30/2008 3  35 PM Message: The best part is WHERE DID ANGIE AND BRAD MEET? At work! They also are similar in level of attractiveness, socio-economic status and have common interests. It's not brain surgery! I would never have the cheek to think I'd find my "Brad Pitt" online. Don Cheadle or Jeff Goldblum, but not Brad Pitt.
I'm holding out for my Nia Peeples. I guess Kelly Hu would do in a pinch. lol | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 3:18:04 PM | Hey hardayknight,
They keep showing Asian women wives cheap just join really quick.
It is on my home page pretty much ever other time.
Just go buy what you want. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 3:47:39 PM | | Who says I don't already have my order in? | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 4:54:59 PM | When you're coming from a place of "been there, done that", ie: marriage, children, failed dream of happily ever after...we should be picky. Not many of us ever walked down the aisle thinking, "Dayum, I should run now, I just know this will end badly".
After we spend some time figuring out what went wrong and why, we should be wiser. Perhaps not smarter, but wiser. Along with the knowledge of what will never be acceptable to us, will come several scanning criteria to avoid a similar outcome.
Sometimes the criteria are ways to keep anyone and everyone out, not just potential disasters waiting to happen. I know my tolerance for thoughtlessness has been almost obliterated, so I'm not big on second chances. I don't want to hear excuses, so I don't listen. I decide from a tiny bit of data that this person isn't worth the effort. Sigh. I really should stop doing that. Knowing is half the battle....what's the other half??
Maybe it's also a test of who can put up with a cranky, stubborn woman and make her see what she may be missing? Meh. I wouldn't put up with me, so I really can't blame anyone for thinking "high maintenance". Mind you, I also don't ask for what I don't give freely, so it's not like I'm looking for something completely unrealistic.
There's a happily ever after out there for each of us. It comes without time limits or promises that it will look like what we've spent too many hours envisioning, but it's there. Hopefully we'll all recognize it when it knocks on our door. Hopefully. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 5:04:51 PM | It takes about 60 seconds of talking to tell if I want to be picky with someone. lol.
And I don't mean one of those "Dohh!!! why did I say that." either. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:47:06 PM |
Sometimes "chemistry" takes a little time to build. It's more important to find out about a man's character. Once you find out a man is admirable and respectable, oftentimes all of a sudden, attraction is there, too. Of course, no one is perfect, so in a sense we all need to settle (and someone is settling for us, too!), but you should feel attraction for a man after at least a few dates to continue dating him. But give him a few dates to impress you (unless he reveals terrible character qualities, in which case, don't see him anymore, even if there is "chemistry.")
Awesome post!!! 
It's not a matter of being to picky IT'S DO NOT SETTLE. Big differance. You really don't want a total loser, or someone who your not clicking with. It's better to be alone then to be used or unhappy.
Do not settle, but MAKE SURE YOUR EXSPECTATIONS ARE RESONABLE. Your chances of finding "The perfect Man" is slim to none of us are perfect, but That does not mean they can't be perfect (great) for you.
Keep your standers but, make sure they are realalistic!!!
Another awesome post!
I have been on this site for almost 2 years, and have dated 2 people in that time. I have made a few close friends, and friends is all we are, not fwb's either, neither I nor they, are that way.
Yeah, I am picky, but I have no HIGH expectations. Chemistry is important to me, and communication and admiration play a key role in this. I have spoken to several since first joining this site, and we have had a rapore like respectful friends, and never even discussed a date. I am not much for the dating scene anyway, I make the best of my time alone, and true love awaits us all if we maintain an open heart, and receptive mind.
There is one however, that lives a few hours away, and I would travel any distance to meet her, she is an awesome spirit!! I find her adorable in many ways. She is Sooooo my type!! 
I see nothing wrong with being a little picky, and not wishing to settle out of lonliness or despair. For desperate I am not, but Lonely I am. I will wait for that which is true and positive.
Best wishes to everyone...
God Bless,
Scott. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/30/2008 9:30:40 PM | | No why settle? I may be picky but at least I won't settle. It will really take one special man to get me to date him. My time is very valuable and I'm not going to fill it with something that isn't important to me. I would rather spend my life alone than not have the passion and chemistry I crave. | |
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m8hem
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Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 49 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 7/31/2008 1:16:58 AM | If you have taken the time to consider what your uncompromisable traits/behaviours are...the deal-breakers let's say, then you are only being true to yourself and cannot be thought of as too picky. The key is really knowing who you are and what you must have in a relationship - the things that you didn't get and wanted in your past relationships (the fundamentals...not the small annoying habits - everyone has these). Ask yourself is it all that bad if the person does not have this or that about them? But, if you just know deep down that it's just not feeling right, then what is the point of dragging it on - eventually, you might just end that relationship while waiting for the better thing to come along...and then you were never true to yourself nor your partner. And yes, we often are blinded with hope while "in" the relationship still, but if your gut feeling is telling you something or if there's that constant doubt...even after a heart-felt talk and no progression of change...then it's your choice to decide what happens next. Why are you wasting time?
I have been in a couple of very long term relationships and have also lived with my boyfriends...it was a great opportunity to really see what worked and what didn't. Take the chance now to reflect back on those relationships that didn't work and make notes of the good and the very bad...those very bad things are probably the things that you don't want again in your next relationship. Keep these close to your heart, but keep an open-mind for the new potential to show you with actions what he/she is capable of.
A friend once asked me, what is the difference between "acceptance" and "settling". To settle is never a good thing. You will feel an emptiness, a void. Accepting is different...these are things that are the "nice" to have lists. So yeah, there are plenty of fish out there, and plenty of nice people but only a small few will knock your socks off. And everyone's list is different. Some people just want comfort and enjoy the simple connection...others like myself look for a deeper connection and I really want to understand my partner - and yes agreed, sometimes you really need to "learn" about the person...their mental/emotional make-up before that chemistry beyond the physical is ignited!!! Once you experience it, it's a wonderful feeling...and you just can't wait to see them again :) | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:11:01 AM | Lets be realistic, if your on this site and over 30 you are too picky. Unless you live in a cave you obviously meet tons of strangers through out the day, far more than the number of people on this site in a 50 mile radius.
I think this whole concept is a waste of time, the forums are fun but its taught me alot about myself considering I can find a reason to not write every single woman within a 50 mile radius of me.
To me the real irony is that in this question its implicit that we actually know what we want. The truth is we don't know what we want, you can't really quantify what makes for a good relationship. If I think of the best relationships I've had, I wouldn't give those people the time of day if they wrote a profile. What made the relationship great could not be expressed in the information presented on a profile here.
Unless your a gold digger or just looking for sex, this site simply has no utility other than the forums to see your not alone in this bizarre situation we find outselves in. If you think your going to meet someone who has this laundry list of atributes your just delusional. | |
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