| Too Picky
Posted: 7/31/2008 9:14:13 AM | It's a difficult balance. You can't be too picky, but you can't settle. The key is figuring out what is really important to you.
I have people telling me 'Don't settle!' and the next person telling me I'm being too picky, that 'no one is perfect'.
Confusing is what it is. You can't listen to everyone else - you have to listen to your heart and mind and figure out what is really important to YOU - no one else's opinions matter here. Sounds easy, but it's not. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/31/2008 10:47:04 AM |
I think this whole concept is a waste of time, the forums are fun but its taught me alot about myself considering I can find a reason to not write every single woman within a 50 mile radius of me.
To me the real irony is that in this question its implicit that we actually know what we want. The truth is we don't know what we want, you can't really quantify what makes for a good relationship. If I think of the best relationships I've had, I wouldn't give those people the time of day if they wrote a profile. What made the relationship great could not be expressed in the information presented on a profile here.
Unless your a gold digger or just looking for sex, this site simply has no utility other than the forums to see your not alone in this bizarre situation we find outselves in. If you think your going to meet someone who has this laundry list of atributes your just delusional.
Excellent. Couldn't have put it better myself. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 7/31/2008 11:17:57 AM | | I agree with what some people have stated. No one should settle. But people should also have realistic expectations and not have a long list of rigid requiremments. People need to find the perfect medium between those 2 opposite viewpoints. | |
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JimNeu
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Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 54 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 7/31/2008 7:51:18 PM | | My ideal woman is someone who is real picky, yet picks ME! | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/2/2008 2:13:54 PM | I've found in life that the pickier/more demanding the person is, the less giving and loving that person tends to be. It's sort of like that girl in high school who won't date any guy who is even an inch or to shorter than her minimum requirement, in her opinion has too big a nose, or for whatever other reason doesn't fit her idea of the perfect date. Generally that sort of person tends to be a real joy to be around  . She's often so stuck on herself that the idea of loving anyone except herself has never even rippled the serene surface of her mind, and even the guys who do fit her criteria don't want her either. Do I want some stuck up snot who thinks the world revolves around her, or a loving, snuggling cuddler who can be my best friend where we can enjoy each other no matter what we do? You get one guess.
I walk away from picky types. When they go into a laundry list of what they want, I say "Good luck. Hope he'll have you. C-ya." Even if I meet her criteria, what happens if one day that criteria changes or I do and no longer meet it? Life happens, and sometimes can bring changes you may not especially like.
I once read an article by a relationship consultant. She said a lot of women came to her saying they wanted a man who makes a six figure income. She came right out and asked those women "Do you know how many men actually make six figure incomes? Maybe, maybe five percent." Then she would ask them "Are you in the top five percent of all women?" Of course the message is clear - why do you think you should have the creme de la creme if you yourself are average or even below? Why do you demand this and that from someone in a relationship when you yourself cannot offer it?" Heh, like Tina Turner once asked.......what's love got to do with it? Nothing. | |
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isoU
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 56 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 8/3/2008 3:30:03 AM | Picky = single and bitter <~~~ so true 
Most women who are single either choose to be single or are delusional. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/3/2008 12:40:22 PM | | We choose to be single because we knew that the men we could have married were not the ones for us, which believe me does not make me delusional. | |
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~EQUE~
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Joined: 7/20/2008
Msg: 58 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 8/3/2008 1:09:28 PM | Picky is good. You NEED chemistry. I don't care how old a person is, you should never settle for less then what makes you happy. Unless of course your expectations are completely unrealistic, then I would say you might have some issues. No one is perfect sweetie, but physical attraction and chemistry are important. Mostly chemistry, attraction can build from personality.
good luck  | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/3/2008 4:07:35 PM | | Nothing wrong with being picky. If you're not, and you settle, you'll wind up resenting your spouse and you'll be doomed from there. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/3/2008 5:16:59 PM | Do you really want someone who is not picky? Do you want someone who will fall in love everyday with the masses? I know how selective I am and yes I have been called the "P" word before, but you know there is something to be said for holding out for the extraordinary. As Julie Roberts said in Steel Magnolias "I would rather have five minuets of extraordinary than a lifetime of nothing special" or something like that. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/3/2008 5:40:21 PM | One of my best girlfriends went on 100 internet dates within a few months to finally
meet Mr Right, hang in there and don't settle. You know your worth it. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/3/2008 8:29:52 PM | | I think you have to have minimum standards, of course. But I do think people tend to get too hung up on the negatives they are trying to avoid in a potential mate instead of allowing themselves to possibly experience new ideas and personalities. Isn't that what dating is supposed to be for? | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/3/2008 8:46:12 PM | Being too picky IS a problem. Nice fella bumps into you somewhere but has with weekend yard clothes on....do you ignore him? Could he be someone upstanding with a good career?
The biggest help I can offer for anyone post mid-20's is learning from your relationship mistakes. The random bar love that fails, the beefcake/supermodel vixen, etc. etc. These will usually fail. Another great pool of knowledge is your friend's mistakes. They may be in one right now...make sure you have gotten feedback on both sides.
Online dating is by far the hardest of the ways to meet people....AND WE PAY FOR IT, usually. So easy to delete an email or to shotgun toss sexual innuendos. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/4/2008 1:08:28 PM | Of course you should be picky. Why not? BUT, a caveat is if you find yourself never having a date or infrequently having a date where you feel any connection perhaps the golden thread of dissatisfaction is you... Perhaps you are not content or ready.
I love hearing women complaining about how horrible men are and blaming them. There are two common factors: Men and Women. It never seems to occur to women that THEY might be the problem. Funny how that works. Anyone who cant own their own psychology or just dont see it are likely influence and affected by it.
Easy Read | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:42:28 AM | Is this list too picky?
My man must be:
- attractive to me
- attracted to me
- loyal (that's the no-cheating clause)
- even keeled (I'm non-confrontational, don't need a drama queen)
- energetic (I can't sit still) OR willing to let me do my thing and we can catch up in the evenings
- smart (I like talking to my mate)
- have a heart (cruelty turns me off)
- have sense of humor (I'm cheery, sarcastic, laugh-at-myself type)
- have a job (as in have means to support himself)
- nonsmoker (I can't be around smoke)
What else.. neediness makes me run, so does controlling, mean streak, posessiveness and jealousy.
So.. Is this picky? | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/5/2008 10:57:27 AM | forumbuddy,
So what if he was all those things except one. Like he didn't have a great sense of humor or he wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Then what? Deal breaker? Its hard to find someone thats fits every scenario.
In addition, peoples personalities change based upon the situation. At times people without a great sense of humor are funny, or they are funny in different ways. Kind hearted people can be cruel. Energy levels fluctuate. In long term (>5yrs) relationships attraction comes and goes. At times you are very attracted to your mate at other times not so much and then you could be very attracted to them again. Things fluctuate and change. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/5/2008 11:35:57 AM | The longest I have spent being single is 10 months. I know the reason was because I was very picky but I wasn't prepared to 'make do' with just anyone.
At the end of the day, we all know what we like and don't like, what we're looking for, etc. and if the chemistry isn't there then it just isn't there.
I am single again after a relationship of almost 14 months, however, if it takes me 10 months again before I find the person I want to have a relationship with then so be it. I don't NEED somebody, I'd like somebody. We all would. Being picky is not a bad thing. Life is short and time precious. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/5/2008 11:38:09 AM | Oh I have to speak my mind on " picky " There is a difference between "picky" and being " realistic " Which I do believe ppl confuse the two. Sure it's great to no settle. But being realistic of who or what you holding out for is becoming more and more out of control. I am a people watcher. I see what people want, it's totally unrealisitic in terms of being able to achieve that goal. People want someone who is funny, attractive, ( and by attractive i mean in general, not neccesarily being attracted to) financially stable, and not a bum. Well there are many people out there like this. however they be in total shape, slightly out of shape, or un fit. I'm a husky guy, by no means do i consider myself " fat, or over weight " I go to the gym, i work out, sure i have a few lbs that i want to lose but who doesn't. Your not going to find the guy who fits every scenario ( like the post above ) but hey... 2 out of 3 isn't bad either people...  | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/5/2008 4:58:00 PM | "To Picky" isn't a good term, I think you should call it ... "Not selling yourself short!".
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/5/2008 7:57:49 PM | Find it odd that no one checked out the OP's profile to get a basis for answering "am I too picky".
Whether intentional or not it is quite the laundry list.
Nothing wrong with having one, just be aware of the following POTENTIAL pitfalls (NOTE: not nescessarily on the OP's [original posters] profile, just general guidlines when i'm looking at profiles):
(1) The longer the list the more difficult it is to find that match
(2) You might be stating you're ultimate dream guy/girl and though you might be flexible it doesn't come across that way (especially if the list is long)
(3) Sometimes when one states the obvious it comes across that the person has "baggage" which they're not fully over i.e. mentioning no drug problems, no cheaters, must be employed etc. (ofcourse 99.9% of us don't want these so why are you bringing it up)
(4) Put yourself in the opposite sexes shoes...If I gave the impression that I would only accept a Barbie Doll, that made more money than me, had a PHD and acted like a maid in the day/hooker at night - I would be shunned (and rightfully so)
(5) If I mention during a 1st date about girls being too pickiy it means one of 2 things (a) I'm an idiot b/c I'm comparing you to other girls on a 1st date outloud or;
(b) I'm giving you a hint
(6) If your profile has more criteria than stuff about "you" can be misinterpretted as picky - also gives all the onus on one replying
(7) If you use "don't bother if..." be aware you might miss out. i.e. I've seen on POF don't bother if you're under such and such height (well what if Tom Cruise saw that and didn't ping you - hell he's my height 5' 7"). Wouldn't you feel silly. However if you absolutely won't go for it than go ahead put it in.
(8) Avoid listing criteria that you can find out by reading my profile (age, height etc.). If you ping me I'll take the time to read you're profile (can be time consuming but I'm serious about dating so it's worth it).
At the end of the day if you have extremely high standards and aren't moping around that you're single nothing wrong with being picky.
If you're constantly geting "you're too picky" and you're miserable b/c you're single, then it might be time to lower your standards (hate word lowered, let's just say re-evaulate).
Just my 2 cents...hope it's useful | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/5/2008 9:41:21 PM | Here is another thought....
Maybe you should not consider the must-have's. These may only be desires or wants. Why not look at your failured relationships. Here you will located the must-nots! If you are always looking for the 100k+, etc. etc., you are short sighting yourself by "fishing in the same lake." POF!
Keeping on the fishing Pun....if all you catch is pretty carp....it is still CARP!
Look for patterns and learn from them! If you want the player or the Jerry Springer hopeful, keep it up. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 12:35:05 AM | | I would have to say if someone is saying you are to picky. Maybe you are , but I would suggest it is more likely that the one saying this about about you is has not reached the levels you want so it is easier to make you look bad then face the truth of themselves. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:55:53 AM | I love how people choose to go around the question when they're wrong
Esteban, I've been married for few years before. I know how things fluctuate thanks for lecture though.
Again, ANY missing component will lead to breakdown down the road FOR ME.
It's my list, my opinion. Question was, is the list picky.. You know it is not.
I'm not looking for "someone for everyone", I want "someone for me" and I'm happy in the meantime.
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 5:08:02 AM | PS. Note I said "attractive to me", not "attractive to everyone"
Stafford, you've got it!
Makes me think you've had a right relationship before.
It's so funny, you date, have boyfriends, can marry a bloke even, find yourself miserable..
Then you meet someone "for you" and suddenly you just KNOW the difference.
You're forever spoiled by that good relationship and won't settle.
The kicker is, that once you open your eyes, there are MORE people like that and now you SEE them for who they are. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 8:33:09 AM |
Is this list too picky?
My man must be:
- attractive to me
- attracted to me
- loyal (that's the no-cheating clause)
- even keeled (I'm non-confrontational, don't need a drama queen)
- energetic (I can't sit still) OR willing to let me do my thing and we can catch up in the evenings
- smart (I like talking to my mate)
- have a heart (cruelty turns me off)
- have sense of humor (I'm cheery, sarcastic, laugh-at-myself type)
- have a job (as in have means to support himself)
- nonsmoker (I can't be around smoke)
What else.. neediness makes me run, so does controlling, mean streak, posessiveness and jealousy.
So.. Is this picky?
Nope....I think we're looking for the same guy. If I see him first, and he's got a brother - I'll contact you.
Seriously...it's only picky if you absolutely HAVE to have someone in your life. If you're ok with staying single until you find what you want (even if you never do) then you can be as picky as you want, IMO. | |
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