| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 9:35:04 AM | forumbuddy,
The point of my post wasn't to give you a lecture. Maybe I'm the master of stating the obvious. My point was at times people can fit the bill for your list of must haves and that same person could then be missing a few elements later.
Its a strange concept to me to have a list of "must haves" to compare a person to. Everyone of course can approach this however they choose but maybe the list should more about deal breakers. For example, must not be a cheater or drug abuser. Just a thought. I think this leaves things a little more flexible. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 11:00:27 AM | Hey forum buddy,
Your list isn't too picky at all. These are things we all want.
I think part of the problem is that how people portray their standards. Words and actions, even virtually are good insight into ones personality (and whether they're too picky in ones opinion).
If you're profile was mostly the list above I might say you were too picky. However, I read you're profile and when it came to things like physical attributes/activities you used words like "definite plus" and "though have friends all shapes and sizes, I prefer". That right there tells me you're probably not what I consider "too picky".
I think another part of the problem is people speak in way too many generalities which can be vague. i.e. "Must be smart". Well, one can be the most intelligent person in the world but doesn't mean they're wise or well rounded in their intellect. Sometimes when people read such blanket statements they think the worse (for many easier to think bad over good) especially on site where some may look at it as a personal competition.
Keep on going girl and I hope you find the fish your looking for.
P.S. I guess I'm not the one - I smoke (which I never fault someone for not wanting)  | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 11:36:20 AM | Requirements are good to have but they must be reasonable. If I have 10 requirements on my list, can I get all of them? Not really can I compromise? Sure we all have to.
But sticking too much to a our list is what will make us ignore partners that could have been good ones. I like smart women, does it it I need someone with a PHd, not at all.
From a guy's perspective I will tell the women on here. Please give everyguy (to certain exent) your 100% and get to know him. Don't base yourself on the requirements you have and he doesnt have it you push him away. I have seen too many people pushing away good partners because he/she didn't meet all the expectations. We are huamns and far from perfection.
When you say must have a job, must be smart, must be funny, must be tall ,must be etc etc. Always have a margin that you can accept in any of those requirements. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 2:24:22 PM | Nope, ALL those points are must haves. MUST haves.
Like smoking - I get violent coughs and asthma's in my family. Absolutely no smoking ..
 but once you quit, look me up!
American, ahhh.. darling!
Great, so tell me which point (specifically) in your opinion I should reconsider ..
:-)
Would love to see that one. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 3:54:42 PM | Ok Forumbuddy,
Keep all the requirments you have. In the end it doens't really matter. Its all up to you anyway. No one can say that you will or won't be able to find what your looking for. I hope you do find the person that fulfills all your requirments.
You responded to to a post about being too picky. I think that there are people that are too picky but that's their decision. Only time will tell if they end up alone, as most seem content with or with their dream mate. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 4:01:26 PM | | I don't think it's correct to call women picky. Picky implies that men are being held to some objective standard that they could live up to if they were trying hard enough. The problem is that most women will always sit there and wonder if there could be some better guy because otherwise that means the current one is "good enough" for her which flies in the face of a lifetime of princess indoctrination. When your goal is an imaginary impossibility, nothing real will be good enough for her. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 5:36:58 PM | Well, still can't answer  which point would make my list picky. Sooo....again... Which point(s) specifically would you pick as picky?
I dare you ..
I love it when people speak out of their arse and yet can't prove their point.
 | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/6/2008 5:52:41 PM | Why would anyone want to argue with you about which individual point is too picky? Maybe its not one point. Maybe its the combination of them all that is the problem. When you only pick one point then its easy to say, "I have to have that". In the end its your perspective of what you "have to have". How can anyone argue against that?
Why does someones point of view have to be talking out their arse? You have an opinion and so do they . Its not like any of this discussion is based on factual information anyway. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/7/2008 2:40:18 AM | Oh my dear forum buddy,
I concur with Estaban, I'm not trying to pick a fight. In fact you'll see I said there's nothing wrong with being picky.
Also on Estaban's point the list you presented is subjective. But considering you seem to to be unconvinced to the point of taunting (to be fair I'll also give when it's best) here we go.....(please everyone I'm not trying to be sardonic or dismissive, every one of the too picky parts are real problems for some people and which case they may need get help).
My man must be:
- attractive to me
Picky at it's best: You realize the attractiveness has many qualities (a prime ingrediant) and if the attractiveness starts to lack you'll work/communicate on why
Being Too Picky: You are only interested in idealize physical perfection which can only be achieved by taking steroids (watch out for those mood swings and hope you don't want him to have kids)
- attracted to me
Picky at it's Best: same as above but role reversal
Being Too Picky: You develop low self esteem worry you're overweight and develop a eating disorder
- loyal (that's the no-cheating clause)
Picky at it's Best: You want a mate that'll be totally monogamous and you'll do the same
Being Too Picky: You have trust issues and you're mate can't leave your sight w/o you thinking he's cheating on you
- even keeled (I'm non-confrontational, don't need a drama queen)
Picky at Best: You want someone who can be serene under pressure who can confront issues in a compassionate and fair manner
Being Too Picky: You're non-confrontational to the point where you bottle everything up or your partner does (only leads to disaster)
- energetic (I can't sit still) OR willing to let me do my thing and we can catch up in the
Picky at its Best: You want a partner who is physcially/pyschologically/emotionally active because it's not just healthy for him but for you and the relationship
Being Too Picky: You have ADD or a sleep disorder and you're not properly dealing with it
- smart (I like talking to my mate)
Picky at Best: Someone to share thoughts that you can learn from and they from you
Picky at Worst: Develop anger issues because you can't keep up
- have a heart (cruelty turns me off)
Picky at Best: You want someone who compassionate not just to you but his fellow man
Picky at Worst: Again unresolved self-esteem issues
- have sense of humor (I'm cheery, sarcastic, laugh-at-myself type)
Picky at Best: Someone who shares your sense of humor and can make you laugh we you need it the most
Picky at Worst: You don't realize the funny guy is actually demeaning (some actually are)
- have a job (as in have means to support himself)
Picky at Best: Someone who will never need to borrow money to live and if you find yourself on hard times would be willing to support you
Picky at Worst: Supporting himself extends to well beyound just him and you (by the way dear did I mention my entire family is moving in with us) OR unrealistic expectations
- nonsmoker (I can't be around smoke)
Picky at Best: You realize cost and health issue (and if you're an ex-smoker more power to ya)
Picky at Worse: You trade one addiction for another negative one (and don't want to be tempted back into smoking)
So as you can see everyone of your criteria can enter into the realm of being too picky for the wrong reasons. Thankfully I've had the privellige of knowing many people who embody the positive end and only a few who have gone through the real negative end to it's fullest. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/7/2008 8:59:07 AM | I'm certain my "perfect man" is out there. However it's really difficult to find snow white horses and he is probably being so choosy and demanding that not just ANY white horse will do for him to ride in and sweep me off my feet.
Therefore I am now looking for my perfect man to ride in on a dappled horse of indiscriminate color.
That way he'll still be arriving by charging steed.
Additionally there's every chance he'll be a cowboy!
Sweet!
I'm admittedly picky. I'm choosy. And I don't care if that makes me an old, and lonely woman. I bring a great deal to the relationship table and I expect the same from the man who would be intimate with me.
It seems to me that I do still have the ability and the right to make certain choices regarding who shares my home and my thighs.
It will never be just "any" guy. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/7/2008 5:01:03 PM | | It's not too picky if you have reasonable expectations. There are some people that are looking for a perfect person who doesn't exist, that is being too picky. If you know what qualities you are looking for in someone and have not found them- keep looking. It's ok to keep looking until you find someone that fits. Settling for someone won't last in the long run. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/7/2008 5:27:00 PM | ~OP~ Good grief, your list is much more reasonable than some of the posts here.  I don't think personal preferences are ever unreasonable and quite honestly ~ it's no one's business but your's and the man you may meet one day. I have a very rigid set of wills/wonts/must nots/musts ~ I'm not about to settle for less than what I know works for me and I would be absolutely mortified to find out someone was settling with me if I am not truly what they had hoped for in their private life. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/7/2008 6:47:36 PM | | NOOOOO! beign picky and selective has its pay offs..you waste less time (most of the time)..hell who wants to 'settle'? | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/7/2008 10:22:24 PM | I refuse to settle... I have my "perfect man" list, which is a fantasy,but one I think every woman has. My realistic list though is not flexible because it consists of the bare essentials not like the nit picking "custom-designed-man" list, which is what my perfect man list is.
I know what I would like as well as what I can bring to the table ...some people would rather settle or endure less than what they would like so as not to be alone or because they think they can't do better...but sorry, life is too short for me to spend it simply enduring someone.
I am not picky about insignificant things, only things I think are important and while compromise is going to HAVE to occur, there are certain things I won't compromise. I am not looking for the perfect person, just a person who is very compatible with me. I don't believe in trying to change people....so it is best not to settle then complain about the person after or try to change them or expect they will magically change, when u knew they were not what u wanted from the beginning. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 10:14:14 AM | | I was worried about being too picky or eliminating guys too quickly who might later interest me, but then I met someone I had chemistry with and it was fantastic. But he wasn't as interested in the end so it didn't last. But just the experience of having a mutual attraction was great, and reminded me that it's worth waiting for. Guys have trouble understanding a woman's perspective. Of course they are going to feel a woman is too picky when they hear about our experience vs. theirs and get rejected by women. They are wired differently than we are. We biologically are the choosier sex. I mean, c'mon, men will mate with a sheep in desperate times. They will find most woman that they go on a date with attractive enough to have sex with. Our bodies (including the brain, and how we are attracted to men) are different and that choosiness stems from the fact that (without the aid of modern birth control) that if we had sex, we could be pregnant for 9 months and then have a child to take care of. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 10:39:28 AM |
Granted, being picky has its drawbacks because it means more and more of those awful first dates, but if it isn't there, it isn't there...
I disagree. In my experience, chemistry and attraction can definitely grow over time. The first date alone really isn't the best way to judge it.
But don't fear. You certainly aren't alone in making summary judgements and seeking instant gratification  | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 10:52:56 AM |
The longest I have spent being single is 10 months.
lol...
Well, technically, I've yet to experience a state of not being single, but for arguments sake I'll consider the times between when I had someone in my life that I would have committed to.
Had one in 98, ended fall of 99
Had the next one summer of 2003
Next one was summer 05 - fall 06
Next one was summer 07 - Christmas 07
The reason for those long swaths of time was also pickiness. Not so much mine as that of every women I encountered.
So count yourself lucky it only takes you 10 months :) | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 12:11:22 PM | God no....you stick to your guns!!!!
Like most of us I'm sure you've had your fair share of bad or difficult relationships in the past, this is your chance now to hold out for the right one this time round, why should you settle for second best????
I know what you're saying though, having been out on seemingly hundreds of first dates now I also find myself thinking the same thing 'AM I too picky???' but I know that I would only be fooling myself and someone else were I to settle for something that didn't feel 100% right or at least 99%.
Stick with it....the right one WILL come along EVENTUALLY! | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 3:54:11 PM | | I found what esteban91075 had to say about the 50 yr old single wemon true, (about them waiting for their rich guy and him never showing up)... my grand ma is 87 and has had some great MEN. but they were poor, and she would keep moving on when things became close so that she would be available for her rich man... she always said to never settle unless he is rich. now after being single her whole life and having the affair (with the rich man) prove to not be good enough to pull him from his wife, she wishes she would have stayed with grand pa, or the other poor guys which would have been there for her... she is miserable, sits in an apartment alone, on walfare. and waits to die. There is a line between picky and lonely. I am searching for it myself, I found that if I have attraction then there is something to work with, but if there is no attraction then single is better. unfortunatly for me there is no wemon in my area (on line) I can say I am attracted to, and I don't have the time or desire to go clubbin, and cat'n around.... | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 5:15:06 PM | | wow..justjohn...I was one of those single women with some "must haves" and I am far from bitter and happily engaged to the man of my dreams...My "must haves "didnt say anything about a silly romance novel thing riding on the white horse.....I hate romance novels and am far more a realist than most lookist men Ive dated who had unrealistic expectations of women and wanted a Barbie doll coupled with the intelligence and activity level of someone like myself..In fact, that was the source of conflict with alot of them, because I was a realist and saw things for how they really are and and am very practical while they insisted on some fantasy ideal of what a woman was supposed to look like.....So.....Why generalize and stereotype here? | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 5:28:32 PM | capegardengirl,
I read your post three times for this forum and it still don't make any sence to me? was it one sentence? or three.
I think you were saying you are engaged and met a man you wanted but he isnt what most want?
So I wanted to say thats great! I did that once too. I surendered and married a girl which was almost what i wanted because of those same realistic views and I was happy for four years, then because I wasn't picky enough in the meeting process, it unraveled later.. (Its always rosey in the engagement process). its later when the pickyness counts...
good topic, | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 9:12:14 PM | | Her post made perfect sense to me. Many men seem to want a woman who has the appearance of a movie star, who forgives no matter how badly they are treated, and who acts like a whore in the bedroom. However, women are labeled as too picky when we want a man who is a good man with a backbone. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/8/2008 9:40:59 PM | Forumbuddy,
I'm totally with you on this list sister!!! I do not think u are picky at all, nevermind too picky. It's called standards! LOL My dating motto is 'live and learn'. Meaning if I've dated a jealous psycho stalker in the past, or a jobless free loader who thinks he is entitled to everything, I'm probably not gonna want do that again in the future. So is that being too picky??? I don't think so. It's live and learn from that mistake and steer clear of it in the future, right? I'm guessing some of your list may be based on past dating experiences or dating experiences of close friends???
Whatcha think | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/9/2008 6:08:11 AM | stein...I am engaged and I do think he is the one I most want...I think age has alot to do with it for me and the fact that Ive never beeen married yet.....I would not have known myself and whats really best for me in terms of a long term partner if I had settled down in my 20s or even early 30s...I was still doing alot of exploring out there....I think sometimes older people are able to work thru and communicate better thru those "picky" spots because of life experience....I think we also have less ego then and less insecurities than younger folk...We dont sweat the small stuff as much or create alot of drama in our lives...I think having those skills enable one to stay married for life.
Thanks for your well wishes.... | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/9/2008 7:42:29 AM | Well this is sure to stir up a hornet's nest, but here goes. This article deals mainly with the pickiness of women, but much can be applied to men as well, ex. wanting a Barbie Doll when you're average. It digresses from the "picky" issue a little, but overall will range from thought-provoking to enraging depending on the reader.
I just see it as one person's opinion, with some truth to it.
Here is the entire article's link:
http://www.lewrockwell.com/orig/fiori3.html
Some excerpts:
"Average men continue to be outraged by this perennial female adulation of either sociopaths or extremely good looking men who use them up and move on. They see no rationality in such a warped set of preferences. The key word here is rationality. The default mode of thought in women is not rational, it's emotive. Criminals and philanderers are interesting and mysterious – that's the key. It's irrelevant that they offer no real future. In a nutshell, they're crass entertainment like ditzy afternoon soaps. (I know so many of you men were certain there was some stunningly profound answer to this question, but there isn't. Sorry for the letdown.)"
"Today's young women thus climb the corporate heights, entering dream careers earning six- and even seven-figure incomes. They acquire beautiful sports cars, commodious homes, and the respect of hundreds to thousands of subordinates in hectic Palm-Pilot worlds.
Sometime in the midst of this material utopia, New Single Woman suddenly finds herself in an epic crisis: she's 35 to 40 and still unmarried with no prospects in sight and rapidly expiring eggs in her ovaries. This leads to a furious hunt for a hubby who's every bit as brilliant, gorgeous, sexy, hip, financially successful, and personally accomplished as she is and guess what? He's nowhere to be found. Ergo, "There are no good men left."
.................If you're a 35 to 40-year-old corporate spinster, it's time to give up on Brad Pitt, honey. If you want a hubby bad enough, you'll just have to settle for a...(gag!)...average mortal man. Sorry.
(What's interesting is that absurdly high standards – or inexplicably low ones as we'll see later – is the obvious diagnosis with most of these women, but it's never the diagnosis that our popular culture gives them. It's always, "Oh, you poor thing. You're so wonderful and men are just too stupid or mean to admit it.")"
"Out here in California the Peterson case is being compared to the O.J. Simpson murders and yet an O.J. verdict is entirely possible if Peterson gets even a majority-female jury. Women on the Menendez jury almost got their wish to free the murderous Lyle and Erik just because they found them handsome. (One female juror actually expressed sympathy for the brothers "because they no longer had parents." Uh, the brothers no longer had parents because they murdered them, stupid!)
As for the Peterson case, forget the grisly discovery of the needle-nose pliers on Scott's boat with Laci's hair in them. Anyone with a brain knows that innocent men don't bleach their hair and beard and run off to San Diego with a load of cash and survival gear. And yet Scott gets dozens of love letters, cards, and flowers every day from women all over the country who want to marry him and have his baby because he's good-looking. It's not easy to imagine a similar phenomenon vis-à-vis men, as down in San Diego all Kristin Rossum ever got from men over the last two years were death threats for running off with her boss and fatally poisoning her husband. Ditto for even better-looking women such as Susan Smith and Pamela Smart.
The problem goes way beyond Laci Peterson, Nicole Brown Simpson, and the 36 women murdered by the handsome but thoroughly evil Ted Bundy. (Michaud and Aynesworth report that scores of beautiful blondes were vying for Bundy's attention at the July 1979 trial in Miami where he was first sentenced to death. Bundy's last wife Carole Boone married him on February 12, 1980, the day of his third death sentence for slitting the throat of 12-year old Kim Leach.............Incredibly, Boone believed in Ted's innocence until Ted himself finally dissuaded her right before his 1989 execution.) " | |
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