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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/9/2008 9:03:49 AM |
Granted, being picky has its drawbacks because it means more and more of those awful first dates, but if it isn't there, it isn't there...
Being exceptionally picky stopped all of my dreaded first/last dates. No need to bother meeting if what I'm hoping for doesn't exist in the first place.  | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/9/2008 9:22:07 AM | | Some of us are average/cute career women who do not earn 6 figures, and have a lot to offer men. We get tired of being cast aside because we are not gorgoeus, and/or have not been married with children. Men seem to be very picky, whereas women seem a lot more open to lots of different kinds of men. (at least the women that I know) | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/9/2008 9:22:47 AM |
Well this is sure to stir up a hornet's nest
I'll say....
"Today's young women thus climb the corporate heights, entering dream careers earning six- and even seven-figure incomes. They acquire beautiful sports cars, commodious homes, and the respect of hundreds to thousands of subordinates in hectic Palm-Pilot worlds.
As they should if that's what they desire...
Sometime in the midst of this material utopia, New Single Woman suddenly finds herself in an epic crisis: she's 35 to 40 and still unmarried with no prospects in sight and rapidly expiring eggs in her ovaries. This leads to a furious hunt for a hubby who's every bit as brilliant, gorgeous, sexy, hip, financially successful, and personally accomplished as she is and guess what? He's nowhere to be found. Ergo, "There are no good men left."
Prospects? For what? Most corporate women are there because that's what they wanted...most very early on decided that may mean no husband or kids...so it's not a sudden discovery. And thanks for confirming that there are no GOOD matches for these women - I'm sure corporate men everywhere who've done the same will thank you for posting that quote.
.................If you're a 35 to 40-year-old corporate spinster, it's time to give up on Brad Pitt, honey. If you want a hubby bad enough, you'll just have to settle for a...(gag!)...average mortal man. Sorry.
That's insulting. Spinster? LOL....a woman in her mid 30s who's enjoying her career is hardly a spinster....I'm sure men would love to believe this tho. The key in that quote is how bad women want a husband - no offense, but what purpose would one serve? No one should want a husband bad enough to settle, and no man should want a woman to "settle" for him when she wanted more - and if she does settle, you can bet he'll be used as a stud horse and the pool boy (she hired) will end up with her attention. But hey, as long as you're SOMEWHERE in her life, average guy - it's all good right? Meh, most will just skip the average guy, get pregnant by the pool boy and then make him sign all rights to the kid off. Much easier.
Funny how men who don't get married or have kids (or do and leave them all sitting home while they work 100 hours a week and stray from the marriage) are called "successful", but women who want careers first and family second or not at all are called "spinsters". lol
And the rest of that article seems to be saying that women who want the total package in a man could end up marrying a serial killer....I can't comment on that nonsense. It's too silly.... | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/9/2008 11:08:23 AM |
Is this list too picky?
My man must be:
- attractive to me
- attracted to me
- loyal (that's the no-cheating clause)
- even keeled (I'm non-confrontational, don't need a drama queen)
- energetic (I can't sit still) OR willing to let me do my thing and we can catch up in the evenings
- smart (I like talking to my mate)
- have a heart (cruelty turns me off)
- have sense of humor (I'm cheery, sarcastic, laugh-at-myself type)
- have a job (as in have means to support himself)
- nonsmoker (I can't be around smoke)
What else.. neediness makes me run, so does controlling, mean streak, posessiveness and jealousy.
Your list IS far from picky because it makes sense and is realistic and somewhat generic.
Part of the problem is that we read profiles and look at the expectations people have and don't know enough about the person to understand their justification for having these expectations.
Picky is a list of individual criteria, and in most cases, knowing that criteria helps to understand the person.
I do not deny that I'm picky and will happily defend the reasons.
Someone career oriented and driven by something more than just a relationship is important to me. Some might see that as me being picky, and I respect that, but given I bring the same to the table, and have been successful in relationships with career women is something some may not understand without knowing me.
Given the thread is based on the right to be picky.. I back you up completely.
Now, if you define your "picky" criteria, and it shows that your shallow and unrealistic (based on what you bring to the table), well then the issues I hear about "Where are all the good men?" are easily explained.
Examples:
- attractive to me
This one is the biggest, as VERY specific physical characteristics are the reason many women come online in the first place. I have met many women who get approached in public, but are so narrowly focused on specific physical traits that they pin themselves into a corner where the Men who meet their physical wants have other, more serious, flaws that the women are willing to overlook.
The "I'm 5'2" but you Must be 5'11" or taller" woman.
I equate this with any Man who would post something that says "You must be a 36D or greater and smaller than a size 2"
- attracted to me
- loyal (that's the no-cheating clause)
These should go without saying. I mean, who wants someone who is unattracted to them, or not loyal.
- even keeled (I'm non-confrontational, don't need a drama queen)
- energetic (I can't sit still) OR willing to let me do my thing and we can catch up in the evenings
- smart (I like talking to my mate)
- have a heart (cruelty turns me off)
- have sense of humor (I'm cheery, sarcastic, laugh-at-myself type)
Without knowing you (outside of what you tell us) we have know way of knowing whether you are truly what you claim to be.
You can say you don't need a Drama Queen, but do we know whether you are or not?
What you type can be as easily distorted as a Picture posted.
This is where the habit of ignoring emails causes people to question the honesty of what's written in a profile.
- have a job (as in have means to support himself)
Now this one is HUGE, as I have met many Women who expect this while they live on they're Childs Support payments, or off the Government. Again.. Relative to what you bring to the table.
- nonsmoker (I can't be around smoke)
This one is the only one that is a good Cut/Dry expectation without learning about you.
Similar to drugs. If you lie about it, it's not easily hidden.
There is a difference between picky and shallow.
People have a right to be picky and shallow, but what they get from that is usually what they deserve. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/9/2008 11:29:06 AM | "People have a right to be picky and shallow, but what they get from that is usually what they deserve."
You said it all right there! | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/10/2008 11:57:27 AM | gonesailinbabe...Right on there...Its the "I dont care, I will stay lonely alone and keep my self respect rather than settle for less than I deserve and be unhappy " that some men hate and cant deal with...The fact that you are content with your choice and not "hateful" really throws them over the edge because they want to believe you are desperate.....Too f..cking bad..lol.....So threatened by it that they have to call women names like hateful spinster..The fact that you have a mind that makes demands and are willing to live with your choice of being alone if you cant find anyone suitable for yourself...Thats more than they can handle...
Makes me wonder if some men just want women to be passive and sick, no self esteem and not any competition to them so they dont have to work at the relationship..If thats the case, Im glad I weeded those kind out..They can have the loser women | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/10/2008 9:00:20 PM | Very interesting viewpoints by everyone.
Being very picky can be an advantage. It's like gambling in Vegas. You pull out too early, and you may lose out on the jackpot. Life is a gamble anyways. I'm still betting my winnings over and over myself in hopes of landing the jackpot. Because we'll never know if we cash out too early. Many people would rather settle. I almost did. I knew I could have. But it would not have been the life I have always wanted.
We all have different ways of managing levels of risk in our lives. This is no different. Like what most replies say: follow your gut and heart.
I have friends, aunts and uncles who married really late in their lives. And are thankful they did! Every one of them are still together! | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:17:32 AM | Some of us are average/cute career women who do not earn 6 figures, and have a lot to offer men. We get tired of being cast aside because we are not gorgoeus, and/or have not been married with children. Men seem to be very picky, whereas women seem a lot more open to lots of different kinds of men. (at least the women that I know)
Women can generally be just as picky as men are. There have been plenty of times when I was willing to give a woman a chance even though she wasn't my ideal physical type. But they quickly rejected me due to looks or lack of instant chemistry. Plenty of women ( at least online ) would reject a man because he is 1-2 inches under her height requirement, he is slightly older / younger than her ideal age range, he doesn't exactly match her long list of requirements, he doesn't make enough money etc. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 8:58:41 AM |
There have been plenty of times when I was willing to give a woman a chance even though she wasn't my ideal physical type.
I'd just like to address the men who say this in threads...by no means is this noble behavior or favored by women. Next time this occurs to you, recognize it as a non match, and don't bother.
Personally, if I am not someone's ideal physical type, I'd prefer he not "give me a chance". I can't believe that a man would suggest a woman "give men that aren't our ideal type a chance", or that anyone would ever find it flattering. It sounds like charity...I'd rather be single anyday than have a man talk to me thinking he was doing me any favors. Perhaps men are ok with women dating them because they can't find what they really want...personally, I'd find that offensive. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 10:20:13 AM |
It sounds like charity...I'd rather be single anyday than have a man talk to me thinking he was doing me any favors.
Absolutely. It has happened to me, and was one of the more insulting experiences of my life.
A guy decided to "give me a chance" even though I wasn't his "type" and then became offended when I rejected him. You have got to be frickin' kidding me. Don't do me any favors. When I look in the mirror, I don't think, "Dear God, what IS that Thing?!". I have fairly healthy self-esteem and am perfectly ok with not being everyone's cup of tea. I'll pick rejection over being settled for any day.
Sometimes I wonder if guys really think about what they're asking for of women. Most people I know don't become content with what they "settled" for. If they settle for a "hamburger" when what they really want is a "steak", they're going to make that "hamburger's" life hell. And if a "steak" ever came by, they'd trade up in a second.
Be thankful when a woman is "picky". She's doing you a favor. | |
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bsg789
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Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 111 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 11:24:07 AM | Personally, if I am not someone's ideal physical type, I'd prefer he not "give me a chance". I can't believe that a man would suggest a woman "give men that aren't our ideal type a chance", or that anyone would ever find it flattering. It sounds like charity...I'd rather be single anyday than have a man talk to me thinking he was doing me any favors. Perhaps men are ok with women dating them because they can't find what they really want...personally, I'd find that offensive.
I don't necessary think there is anything wrong with dating someone who isn't exactly your ideal physical type. I know many people who are in successful relationships with someone who isn't their ideal physical type. Maybe a woman was a little bit taller, heavier, or older than the man's ideal physical type. But she matched many of the other things he was looking for. Maybe a woman is usually attracted to blondes, but she met a brunette or a redhead that matched many of the other things that she was looking for. I think there is a major difference between dating someone who is somewhat different than your usual physical type and dating someone who is the complete opposite of your physical type. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 11:41:39 AM |
I don't necessary see anything wrong with dating someone who isn't exactly your ideal physical type. Many people I know that are in successful relationships are with someone who isn't their ideal physical type. Maybe a woman was a little bit taller or heavier than the man's ideal physical type. But she matched many of the other things he was looking for. Maybe a woman is usually attracted to blondes, but she met a brunette that matched many of the other things that she was looking for.
Certainly a single trait like eye or hair color or 10 lbs or an inch in height isn't a huge compromise - but when someone says "it wasn't my ideal type but I messaged them anyway and STILL got rejected", it comes across as that they settled for less and were discouraged that it still didn't work for them (which is the old "entitlement" issue once again, where someone feels they should get something for giving something).
I've seen posts that were even worded more aggressively; where a man messaged someone who was "unattractive" too up his odds...and still got nowhere. It may be innocent, but it doesn't sound that way is all. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 11:54:03 AM | Certainly a single trait like eye or hair color or 10 lbs or an inch in height isn't a huge compromise - but when someone says "it wasn't my ideal type but I messaged them anyway and STILL got rejected", it comes across as that they settled for less and were discouraged that it still didn't work for them (which is the old "entitlement" issue once again, where someone feels they should get something for giving something).
I clarified my statement in the other thread and I will repeat it here.
My point was that I wouldn't automatically reject a woman just because she doesn't exactly match all of my physical preferences or because she doesn't have super model looks. For example I generally prefer women with long hair, but I would date a woman with short hair if there were other qualities about her that were appealing.
The reason why I made my previous statement ( msg 108 ) is that some women on this thread ( and other threads ) have stated that most men would reject an average looking woman because she doesn't have super model looks. That's not always true. A woman that I find to be average looking wouldn't be my ideal physical type. But I would be interested in dating her if there were other things about her that I liked.
BTW I wouldn't get angry if an average looking woman rejects me. However it would be hypocritical for average looking women to complain about men rejecting them due to looks when they reject average looking men due to looks. The same thing would apply when the gender roles are reversed. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:35:50 PM | Being rejected saves time.
It is a good thing.
I'd rather find out the cute guy I'm eyeing is into olive complexion brunettes on a first meet than six months later when I bump into my bf having dinner with one.
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 3:55:02 PM | | I think it depends upon your age. I am 45, and believe me I know exactly what I am not interested in, had you asked me at 20 I was not sure. Be as picky as you want to be but be prepared to not meet your match till you've weeded out quite a few people. If your confidence allows you to be carefree and happy alone take all the time you need. | |
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IQF
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Joined: 6/7/2008
Msg: 116 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 4:26:02 PM | This is such a weird thread... what exactly are we talking about here? There's a big difference between dating only supermodels, and dating only people you find attractive. I dunno about you women, but from a guy's POV, it's entirely possible to note that woman A is physically hotter than woman B and still be perfectly happy with B. I mean... whatcha gonna do if A has a great rack and B has a killer butt ... wait around for woman C who has both? Nah... you date all 3 and stick with the one that's more fun! IMO, the looks part is more important as a yes/no than a high score chart. Pity dating is stupid though - it just means that the guys standards are lower than his self-evaluation (and that he has no class by stating it).
gonesailinbabe...Right on there...Its the "I dont care, I will stay lonely alone and keep my self respect rather than settle for less than I deserve and be unhappy " that some men hate and cant deal with...The fact that you are content with your choice and not "hateful" really throws them over the edge because they want to believe you are desperate.....Too f..cking bad..lol.....So threatened by it that they have to call women names like hateful spinster..The fact that you have a mind that makes demands and are willing to live with your choice of being alone if you cant find anyone suitable for yourself...Thats more than they can handle...
This, I heartily disagree with. By and large, guys can respect women who take responsibility for their choices. What annoys them are the ones who are both extremely discriminating (i.e. picky) whilst complaining about the lack of "good men" out there. Same goes with the "New Single Woman". No problem as long as she understands her choices, is at peace with them, and happily moves on based on the realities of the situation (whatever that is, good or bad). OTOH if she wakes up on her 35th-40th birthday (or whatever), thinks "shit, I just missed out" and proceeds to complain about the low quality of available single men (usually to these same single men - possiblywhile on a date with one of them  ), she can expect a healthy dose of
Too f..cking bad..lol.
If you wanna make your bed, you gotta lie in it. | |
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ml456
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Joined: 5/14/2008
Msg: 117 | |
| Too Picky
Posted: 8/11/2008 7:01:13 PM | My point was that I wouldn't automatically reject a woman just because she doesn't exactly match all of my physical preferences or because she doesn't have super model looks. For example I generally prefer women with long hair, but I would date a woman with short hair if there were other qualities about her that were appealing.
A woman that I find to be average looking wouldn't be my ideal physical type. But I would be interested in dating her if there were other things about her that I liked.
I agree. I have dated men that weren't my ideal physical type. But I never felt that I was settling. I was willing to overlook a few ( not all ) of my physical preferences because there were other traits about men that interested me such as intelligence, personality, shared common interests etc. Just because a man isn't exactly my ideal physical type, it doesn't necessary mean that I think he is unattractive. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:28:07 AM | its like my saying,every women wants a brad pitt but they do not look like angilina joli.and my favorite saying is a song.if you think your lonely know wait until tonight girl.enough said thank you good night. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:52:54 PM | | I find that most man want an Angelina Jolie when he is nothing like Brad Pitt, and most women are very much into average looking men. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:39:36 PM | "This, I heartily disagree with. By and large, guys can respect women who take responsibility for their choices. What annoys them are the ones who are both extremely discriminating (i.e. picky) whilst complaining about the lack of "good men" out there. Same goes with the "New Single Woman". No problem as long as she understands her choices, is at peace with them, and happily moves on based on the realities of the situation (whatever that is, good or bad). OTOH if she wakes up on her 35th-40th birthday (or whatever), thinks "shit, I just missed out" and proceeds to complain about the low quality of available single men (usually to these same single men.................... "
...............go on and cry in your coffee but don't come b****ing to me (thank you, Billy Joel).
Which was my point exactly, which makes me a hateful ***hole. Fine, if that's what it makes me, I will wear the label proudly and without apology.   | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/13/2008 6:30:19 PM | | I feel like I might have an age conflict with my self. I have women send me emails that they are interested, but it seems like I might have the bar raised too far. I certain criteria that I use to kind of screen through the women. I try to be realistic, but going by the negative results I can't help feel like I need to either lower my expectations or try a new approach. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/13/2008 7:43:08 PM | I find that most man want an Angelina Jolie when he is nothing like Brad Pitt,
Replace most with some and I would agree with you.
most women are very much into average looking men.
This is not necessary true at least for many women on internet dating sites. An average looking man could send well written emails to a bunch of women and get a very small percentage of positive responses. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/13/2008 7:49:53 PM | | Are you kidding!!?? No way......why not hold out for chemistry.....why would a person settle? I think knowing who you are and what you're waiting for shows that you have high self worth, you're independent and love yourself enough to be alone. Unless you're experimenting with human hearts, I say wait and trust your feelings. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/13/2008 7:57:37 PM | OP: depends on how complex of a chemistry set it is that you want to play with.
I mean, there has only EVER been one perfect guy....That I know of!
Maybe you should take stock in what you WANT, and what you NEED! Needs are absolutely necessary. Wants should be desired, but are flexible...dependent upon whether or not he can and desires to fulfill your needs. | |
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| Too Picky
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:34:00 PM | Although I respect anyone's right to be as picky about a potential mate as they want to be, let's look at the bigger picture.
By only using one on-line dating site and not getting out into the real world, you are limiting your own chances for finding that perfect someone. By limiting yourself to only those members +/- 3 years of your age, you are limiting your pool even more. Religion, marital status, children, hair/eye color, height, ethnicity, weight, smoking/drug usage, politics, income.....strong preferences in all of these criteria will shrink your possible suitors down to a handful. And guess what? They might see YOU as being too picky and never write to you!
Sure, some things can be deal breakers, but having too many and you'll deal yourself out of ever finding someone. Just because someone has a Ph.D. doesn't mean they know squat outside of their field of study. Just because someone has super model looks, doesn't mean they aren't lonely. Just because someone is two inches shorter then you doesn't mean they wouldn't be the most passionate lover you've ever experienced. All we're really talking about here is chatting with people, getting to know them a bit to see if there is any spark. Some of the people seem to think if they reply to an email they have to marry that person the same day for crying out loud. Like I always tell my kids, "relax, mellow it's no big deal." | |
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