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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Looking for True love, But they are not ready.      Home login  
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 SugarKisses38
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 26
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Don't second guess yourself by wasting time on a scardy cat! There are plenty of women who are ready...take your precious time and search for them. Who ever is not on the train, when the train leaves the station, gets left behind. You may miss them for a bit, but this just means she wasn't the right person at the right time. Don't analyze. Keep your feet moving and wish her well. You will never be able to figure some people out. You could be the best man in the world and she's hit over the head with a brick, a bat and ball, seeing stars, all help from the gods and she would still not notice what she may have in you. Some people are like that, but the right one at the right time..will be, well, right. It will flow. No wondering, concerns, head scratching or sleepless nights.
And you will never have to ask the right woman, "why?"
 curveyone
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 27
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:32:23 PM
i'm not sure what *True Love* is or means.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 28
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History
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:43:17 PM
I am with you "curvey".......

As we mature and go through multiple relationships, most of us understand about love and what it is, and what it is not.

Being in the right place, at the right time, with the right person, can offer you many of the right things for the both of you, but, unless the one you are with feels the exact same way, and is willing to try the same way, all you end up with is another chance.

I have no delusion's about true love, in fact, I have no delusion's about love at all, and just consider myself very lucky to have spent some awesome times with wonderful people, and all I can hope for, is to be given even more chances.......

Just my opinion.......
 GoneSailinBabe
Joined: 7/6/2008
Msg: 29
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:25:44 PM

Why have faith in something, and then when the very thing you have prayed for comes along, you have doubts whether it is real or not?


This truly did happen to a man I met on POF and I.
We met on here via emails, they flew back and forth, and then we began to spend hours, days on the phone together.
He lives 86 miles away from me and has visitation of his kids every other weekend, additionally his life is as busy and full of activities as mine - committments to church, school, teaching others, etc., that cannot be shoved aside simply because you've now met someone you're interested in.

We worked around the schedule and were able to meet in person twice.

I know that largely had we been a block apart - we probably would have established a relationship easily - because it would have been easier to accomplish than the planning and scheduling.

The distance burdened him.
Additionally he was holding some baggage still from his ex-wife and what she had done to him, or what he felt she had done.

Yet we both appearred to be exactly what the other had been praying to find.

It's a hard thing - to have handed to you, what it is you've been asking for and then to not take it.

I attempted - in a small way- to make the argument that to "give up" on a relationship you've been asking the Higher Powers in life to send to you, is throwing a gift back in the face of the Giver.

Which to my way of thinking is ungrateful and bad karma.
You toss a gift in God's face - prepare to be smote.

But, regardless.....we stopped seeing each other.
Stopped talking.
Stopped emailing.
He is still on POF, I suppose hunting for some woman who is in his back yard and more easily accessible, rather than being everything he was looking for...he's willing to give up some points in order to have her next door to where he is.

Ok, it's his life and his choice.

Wouldn't necessarily be MY choice.
But it is how it is.

Nothing you can do about it, right?
 heelsRSO4ever
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 30
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:39:05 PM
I can't help it...I gotta say it again....I'm driven.....

"If it were easily obtained....we'd all have better things to do...than be here on POF.... if it were easier....it would come cheaper"
 nickolysseus
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 31
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Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:44:49 PM
Re Post 2


Ya ask for something for so long, that when you finally get it, it scares the crap outta ya and ya don't know what to do next. Or you're so shocked it finally showed up you end up tripping over your own feet making a fool of yourself and scaring it away.


Exactly. That is why a more "casual" - "que sera, sera" approach is actually better and leads to more happiness. Except for the people who claim to be looking for the "True Love" but in effect all they are conveniently looking for is an LTR and the best available candidate for it.
 ~Hello~
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 32
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:52:24 PM
"looking for ..."?
I don't think "Love" has a lot to do with our looking or being ready. In my experience - love has snuck up on me and caught me by surprise .. BAM!

Seriously .. 'they' say "you'll find 'the one' when you stop looking" - 'they' say That for a reason! .. and "ready" ??? what does that look like? I could be ready today and something could come up next week and I might not appear so 'ready' .. does it mean I'm all manicured and have shaved my legs?? lol - is that what you mean by "ready"? I may 'feel' ready right at this moment, but what would I feel like were I to suddenly win a couple million? ok, never mind - I can answer that! lol

When 'love' arrives - we are 'ready', because .. well because it is Love! I have loved more than once and I will love again, of course the older I get - the less I shave my legs .. and so, to Some; I may not appear "ready".

BAM!

A.S.is


... now, where did I put that shaver...?? ;)
 SueisWho
Joined: 1/9/2008
Msg: 33
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 10/15/2008 6:01:52 PM
To answer your original question, Kingtrue...

I think it just maybe fear.
 sally bentley
Joined: 7/9/2008
Msg: 34
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 10/15/2008 7:24:48 PM
That is why I like to be friends first and really get to know the person before I get emotionally involved.
 Straight Christian Lady
Joined: 6/14/2007
Msg: 35
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 11/20/2008 1:08:18 PM
Ever wonder what a dog chasing its tail does when he actually CATCHES it?

... exactly.
 akimmbo
Joined: 7/22/2007
Msg: 36
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Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 11/20/2008 1:37:01 PM

I think a lot of people MISSED the whole post.
This is asking the question to those who TELL you that they love you, but they just aren't ready. Thus the statement, they finally found it(In which they must have stated that they found it) But just aren't ready for it at that particular time.


Oh...THAT question....gotcha. King.

well, you answered it, right?.......they "Just aren't ready."
In their magical world, they are...but in reality...they are not.
it's quite simple , actually, and yet.. humans are soooo wired to create innuendo and difficulty where perhaps none exists....i don't know.

again, people are, for the most part, not asking themselves the tough questions.

you don't even have to be on the same page,necessarily, but as long as you are both in the same book....and declare honest intention..and understand from heart..not head.... how acceptance and patience and non judgment operates.....then , it will work. No doubt.

Kimbo*************************
 wicked_desires
Joined: 10/27/2008
Msg: 37
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 11/20/2008 2:32:17 PM
No....most people are looking for a quick fix at any and all costs...despite saying the true love thingie...is where it all goes wrong...so it never come along cept in a fleeting moment where most people overlook it whilst in indulgnce

Hope that answers this misnomer a little OP
 Floater Fish
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 38
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/5/2010 6:48:23 PM
I haven't read the entire thread but to OP's question



I think a lot of people MISSED the whole post.

This is asking the question to those who TELL you that they love you, but they just aren't ready. Thus the statement, they finally found it(In which they must have stated that they found it) But just aren't ready for it at that particular time.

This is not about people who ASSUME that they are what someone else is looking for, this is for the ones who have been told, that they are the one, but the other person is just not sure if they are ready.

Yes, that happened to me last month. After 8 months he said almost exactly that - I love you, I can't think of anyone more perfect for me, I'm not ready for a relationship I guess.
He gave a couple reasons; things he's working through. I understand they're difficult but I would never risk losing someone so special because of hard times so I have to admit I can sympathize, but not empathize. Bad timing. Sh!t happens.

I don't know what to do. I hold out hope that he'll work through these things and want to move forward again. Then I think I'm foolish and maybe desperate to hold out hope. I sooo don't want to be that pathetic hanger-oner that people make fun of because she can't take 'no' for an answer.

Maybe that's why I came back to the forums. Not to have anyone agree or disagree with me (I don't need anyone to validate my thoughts or behavior). But I like to read other perspectives, to find other ways to think about my situation that maybe I didn't think of on my own.
EDIT


You will never be able to figure some people out. You could be the best man in the world and she's hit over the head with a brick, a bat and ball, seeing stars, all help from the gods and she would still not notice what she may have in you. Some people are like that, but the right one at the right time..will be, well, right. It will flow. No wondering, concerns, head scratching or sleepless nights.
And you will never have to ask the right woman, "why?"

Yah, I'm trying to stop asking "why"
 Floater Fish
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 39
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/5/2010 6:54:44 PM
Kimbo, I see you're still around so hope you see this

you don't even have to be on the same page,necessarily, but as long as you are both in the same book....and declare honest intention..and understand from heart..not head.... how acceptance and patience and non judgment operates.....then , it will work. No doubt.

What do you mean? Elaborate, please, if you will?
 Zermatt
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 40
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Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/5/2010 7:34:20 PM
When someone tells you they are "not ready"--it means--they are not ready for YOU. So listen to them and move on to the one who is ready.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had girl friends who stuck around some guy for years, waiting, because he wasn't "ready"--only to have him meet some girl and marry her in 6 weeks.

LISTEN, folks, and watch actions also. More telling than words.
 bint fishing
Joined: 7/28/2010
Msg: 41
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/5/2010 8:35:55 PM

When someone tells you they are "not ready"--it means--they are not ready for YOU. So listen to them and move on to the one who is ready.

I cannot tell you how many times I have had girl friends who stuck around some guy for years, waiting, because he wasn't "ready"--only to have him meet some girl and marry her in 6 weeks.

LISTEN, folks, and watch actions also. More telling than words.


Really? Every case can be painted with this same brush?

And I suppose none of these so called girl friends played any role in this either or perhaps maybe hounded and pestered to the point that the guy couldn’t deal with them? Just a thought, and yes, I know men who do the same thing, so it’s not gender bashing.

Sometimes not ready is a legitimate answer and it’s not a lie. What if one sees that they can’t be as available as the other wants right now? What if how the relationship has grown since the beginning has gone off in an area that was unforeseen and one needs to take a good hard look at what they are doing and what they truly want before they go further and cause more harm? Yes, they’re people who actually put other people’s feelings in the equation, (rare I’ll admit, but it is possible). What if the one who says their not ready has had something happen to them personally and the other isn’t available to them for one reason or another and they indeed have a few thing they have to take care of first?

The list could go on and on and I know that it’s on a case by case basis, but to assume that the one who says their not ready isn’t genuine also points to the disappointed ones radar being off. I would suggest that the one who is disappointed because they didn’t get what they wanted should also take a look in the mirror at what may have not been real in their expectations. It takes two to be ready, but only one to put the brakes on and some times, the brakes do indeed need to be applied and can certainly help a relationship in the long run. What I have noticed more often than not is, the disappointed one usually has no patience and then the demands and ultimatums start, and that is a sure way of killing the relationship for good.

I’ve been on both sides of this and yes, I made demands and killed the relationship and I have also said I’m not ready because I wasn’t quite ready for what was being offered. Sometimes it has nothing to do with love, sometimes it really is about reality for one or both people.


I do agree though, watch the actions and see if the words do indeed match.
 Pixy Dust
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 42
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Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/5/2010 10:05:07 PM
you know maybe we don't have a realistic notion of what true love is. Sometimes I think love is staring them in the face but they let it slip away because honestly love takes work just like anything worth having in life.. people want the easy street get rich fast mentality...
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 43
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/5/2010 10:16:55 PM

Why have faith in something, and then when the very thing you have prayed for comes along, you have doubts whether it is real or not?


Wanting something and being ready for it are not the same thing. I'm sure there are some who think wanting something is being ready for it until they get it. Sometimes it is when we get what we want that we realize how woefully unprepared we are to receive it. When you find folks like this, there is not much you can do. If you are ready and they are not, it is their issue to deal with and you can't force them to be ready...the more you try, the more you expose their vulnerability and the faster they will run if they aren't ready to tackle what they need to tackle.

Some people are more comfortable in the wanting/searching for love than with love itself.
 Floater Fish
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 44
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/5/2010 11:22:53 PM
^^I agree bint, I believe my ex is being genuine, he really isn't ready for the relationship that I thought we were building.

I also agree that it takes two to be ready but only one to put the brakes on. My post wasn't about placing blame. I think my situation is mostly about bad timing. I don't want what he wants; he doesn't want what I want. I wasn't trying to turn this into a 'bash him', or a 'defend him' side-track. He has things he is working out and doesn't want me there while he does. It's not my place to 'demand' anything from him. I can only accept and then decide what I need or want for myself.

the disappointed one usually has no patience and then the demands and ultimatums start, and that is a sure way of killing the relationship for good.

Not sure I agree with this. I think the relationship is dead as soon as one person says they don't want it. The demands and ultimatums are like killing a corpse.

I have also said I’m not ready because I wasn’t quite ready for what was being offered. Sometimes it has nothing to do with love, sometimes it really is about reality for one or both people.

That's where I am right now. I don't question that he 'loves' me and I, him. He offers a 'correspondence' relationship - let's IM/email/phone until he's ready for more in a year or two. I'm not ready for what is offered, but I honestly don't know why. Not sure that it's lack of patience, though.

I know this 'pause' is triggering really strong emotions for me and what that might be about is the kind of insight I'm looking for from the forums. Yes, there's a lot of inane BS here but there are also a lot of really kind, thoughtful, intuitive people here. Like last year when I was going through a hard time, a few people gave me, essentially, the same advice but said it in a way I didn't understand it. Then DemonDingleBerry said it in a way that made sense to me, it just took different words. It, literally, triggered an epiphany that made a big difference in my life.

I'm hoping for similar insight again. If not on this thread, maybe another.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 45
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Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/5/2010 11:45:54 PM
It's kind of like that "Jesus" thing....everybody is looking foward to his return, but if it ever happened....he will wind up in a straight jacket like the others that claimed to be Jesus. Interesting paradox....just like love!
 Beyond the Cleavage
Joined: 6/5/2010
Msg: 46
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/6/2010 1:43:02 AM
Floater fish: do what you want and what suits you. If you decide to stick around, monitor how it makes you feel. If it's making you feel bad or keeping you emotionally tied to him and stopping you from meeting someone new, stop the relationship, I think. I think he's asking a lot from you.
 loliegurl
Joined: 3/20/2009
Msg: 47
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/6/2010 1:44:42 AM
i have a question then .... regarding this topic. if two people meet, and unexpectedly fall in love, is it normal or understandable to run away?

"Ya ask for something for so long, that when you finally get it, it scares the crap outta ya and ya don't know what to do next. Or you're so shocked it finally showed up you end up tripping over your own feet making a fool of yourself and scaring it away"

if a man goes into a casual dating relationship, and finds himself in love a few months down the road when he didn't expect to be, and feels he isn't ready because it was so unexpected .... and he breaks it off ..... is this behaviour because he's panicking? is it more because he wasn't looking, or because he wasn't ready?

Lolie
 bint fishing
Joined: 7/28/2010
Msg: 48
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/6/2010 6:07:35 AM

if a man goes into a casual dating relationship, and finds himself in love a few months down the road when he didn't expect to be, and feels he isn't ready because it was so unexpected .... and he breaks it off ..... is this behaviour because he's panicking? is it more because he wasn't looking, or because he wasn't ready?.


Could be all of the above and I might also add, immaturity and avoidance of responsibility. But, it could also be because they foresee issues that a new relationship may not be able to handle. What about a guy who has indeed fallen for a woman in a short time and realizes that in 3 months he’s being deployed and won’t be back for 2 years? What if after some time together one sees that they want different things in life as a whole or if they see some emotional issues that they may not be able to deal with in a new relationship or doesn’t care to deal with?

My point is, sometimes the one who ends it truly is being far more compassionate than the one who is being dumped, they just don’t see it yet. “love” does not equal happy, sometimes it involves a whole heck of a lot of pain and many jump ship because they only like the heady feeling.

Sorry Floater, I wasn’t singling out anything you had said, my apologies if you thought I was.
 itsallinthesoul
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 49
Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/6/2010 8:55:34 AM
Floaterfish, I find myself in a similar situation to yours. Over a year ago, I ran into an old ex of mine from 24 years ago. When we were together all those years ago, the timing wasn't right...he was looking to settle down, get married, have children, do the adult thing and I was all about the party but I did love him. He left me and married, had children and did the adult thing. I was at the time devastated but I got over it, I loved again. Somewhere along the way, his life got really messed up and he began drinking very heavily. He told me the drinking started after the separation but I don't believe him...I think it was the reason his wife was leaving him. She passed away from cancer before their divorce became final. So for the last 9 years or so, he's been a single dad of their two children and the drinking has escalated. Even his own mother tells him that he shouldn't try to be an island...that he needs people but he refuses to need anyone. To truly be in a relationship, there is a degree of need required.

When we reconnected, neither of us were looking for love. We started hanging out and eventually when were able to fill a void in each other's lives for a time. He never tried to hide his drinking from me....I always knew about it and the extent of it. We would from time to time discuss it (when he brought it up) and I was consistent in my telling him that his abuse of alcohol would prevent me from taking our relationship to the next level. I've been around alcoholism most of my life and I deal with them in a healthy way. I don't enable them, nor do I internalize their issues and let them become mine. I kept our relationship separate from my children and only permitted him to come to my home with my children present when he was sober.

I do love him. He is more than an alcoholic, he is a man with many qualities. He is a kind, loving and decent man with whose love I was able to face alot of things about myself head on and deal with. This past year with him, I've grown immensely as a person. I'm more emotionally strong and more focused than I have been in years, largely due to his loving insights into me. For that I will always be grateful to him. He was emotionally supportive of me during what has been the hardest year of my life because of some family issues.

He is at a difficult time in his own life. He knows he has to do something...that the way he is living is not good for him or anyone around him. At times he is even willing to admit it to me. It is very difficult for anyone who suffers from addiction to accept that they are powerless over their addiction and admit they need help. I feel his pain, I feel his indecision with his own life, I feel his love for me very strongly.

We aren't together right now and may never be together again. He has told me that he doesn't want a girlfriend right now and I accept that. Does it hurt? Of course it hurts but I also know that whatever he is going through right now, he wants to go through alone. He is the only one that can help him. He spent the better part of the last four months trying to push me away. I stayed close. I chose to stay close to him but I just can't do it anymore. Being with him, feeling his pain is too much for me to bear because I know I'm powerless to help him.

He asked me 3 days ago if I wanted to marry him. He said to me before I answered him....be careful how you answer this question because it matters. I said no. Then he put me on ignore for 3 days. I finally sent him a text message telling him I was done. He called last night and told me that he needed to be alone after telling me how being with me was amazing and that I was an amazing woman. There is a part of me that wonders if the two are related and I won't ever know for sure. Did my refusal to say yes, that I wanted to marry him make him decide to put me on ignore? Does it really matter? It is over. Will my rejection of him help him make a healthier choice for himself? Does it matter? It is over.

I, like you, feel some very strong emotions. I feel rejected. I feel that I wasn't good enough. I feel that if only I had done A instead of B, we might still be together. I feel angry. I feel disappointed. I feel relieved. I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel loved. I feel confused. I'm only fooling myself though because when it comes to alcoholism, there is no word or action that will make them decide to quit drinking. As long as he chooses alcohol over a loving relationship with self and then with others, there is nothing I or any woman can do to make it work in a positive way for either.

I've always felt a deep connection with this man, of the rare variety. It is sad because I know he feels it too. It is what it is though. We cannot make someone ready to accept our love. We cannot make someone healthy. All we can do is love them and I will continue to love him. I will not however pine away for him. He has made his choice. We both live with the consequences of his choice. Neither are happy about it, but it is what it is........it is life.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 50
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Looking for True love, But they are not ready.
Posted: 8/6/2010 9:06:12 AM

This is asking the question to those who TELL you that they love you, but they just aren't ready. Thus the statement, they finally found it(In which they must have stated that they found it) But just aren't ready for it at that particular time.


Sometimes its easier to say I'm not ready when what they really mean is...they love
you but they aren't ready to decide you're the one.

Seems pretty simple to me. It's easy to fall in love, it's harder to want to stay that
way. Sometimes there's just too much pressure to be the person someone else wants.
And one day you just realize you'd rather be yourself.

I've been on both sides of this. I'm not sure which is worse, but I do know unrequited love is sucky galore.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Looking for True love, But they are not ready.