| This is wordy and long...but I think it will help
Posted: 8/8/2007 10:30:51 AM | I’m 54 now and was raped at 12 by an older boy …Wolfgang W. in Fort Collins, Colorado… All of my life I never address the issue and pushed it out of my mind…or so I thought… but it affected my entire life without my knowing it. Finally, in marriage counseling it resurfaced.
One Sunday morning, I called information and got Mr. W. phone number…I couldn’t believe he still lived in Fort Collins. When he answered, he sounded like a happy, warm, good ole boy. I asked what he had been doing. He told me he had “four beautiful daughters.” His daughters and wife were in church right then. I said, “Oh, so God got even with you.” He had a moment hesitation not sure what I meant, but he recovered and the good ole boy was again talking.
Then I asked him, “Do you remember Gloria?”
I almost wanted to offer an excuse to him…to tell him my parents didn’t allow me to play with Gloria and now I knew why. No, I thought, don’t owe him any explanation.
He laughed a sexual meaningful laugh and said, “Oh yea, I remember Gloria…”
My turn to hesitate, “Do you remember that day you and your friends were driving by Richard’s lake …and the other girl with Gloria…did you know I was 12 years old and a virgin.”
Dead silence on the other end and he finally said, “I don’t remember… You’ve got the wrong guy.”
I’m shocked, how could someone who had changed my whole life not even remember what he did! I was in hopes that he had a conscience. I was looking for, “I sorry…I was a stupid kid” but my rapist didn’t even remember the rape. I wonder how many other 12 years old virgins he raped. But then some of the fear I had when I called turned to angry, I realized he did remember … after all, didn’t he just say he remember Gloria, it’s just he just wasn’t man enough to own up to what he did. I said, “No, it’s you…your brother was there. Peter… Peter was with Gloria.” Wolfgang may have been a stupid kid full of testosterone, but his older brother was evil. I still remember his evil menacing glare when Peter was looking at me in the rear view mirror and saying to Wolfgang, “If you can’t handle her, I can.” Then Gloria whispering, “You better stop fighting.” Out of fear, I stop fighting. But Wolfgang didn’t stop, knowing full well I didn’t want what was going to happen. As he molested me in front of other boys I cried. Once the others left the car, he laid me down like a rag doll on that hot car seat and took my virginity in a violent evil act as I whimpered and cried. And now he denied it!
My only satisfaction was to say to him when he said he didn’t remember was, “Yes you do and you will think of me every time one of your daughters leaves the house…that’ good ole boys like you rape.” Maybe one of his beautiful daughters will read this and ask him about it.
So my advice to you is to get counseling… they will teach you the tools to help you cope...you are no longer who you were, this won’t go away…it will affect your entire life. Grieve silent, think positive thoughts, learn to love who you are now. You’re not worthless…you’re stronger. | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/8/2007 3:30:00 PM | I know exactly how you feel, Rebecca. There are two responses typically post-rape. You either become promiscuous or hermit yourself away from the world. Guys that go for anything are not worth it.
I've been there. And it sucked. I depended on men because they told me what I was good for and I believed it.
What is pushing guys away could be the post traumatic stress. Or your low confidence in yourself. You don't need a guy to make you feel better about yourself. Stay single, cherish your guy friends. If your personality is good enough to be a friend, your personality is good enough to be a girlfriend and I'm sure you'll make someone happy some day.
Guys when they are younger are often overwhelmed with college and whatnot. They are simple creatures and don't wish to complicate their lives. There is nothing wrong with your personality or looks. And just because he is a nice guy it doesn't mean he is right for you. | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 8:52:02 AM | Im taking random stabs in the dark here as I dont know you or what its like to be raped
But my random guess would be that your self esteem has had one huge helluva knock, and thats coming across to the guys you are meeting. The only sorts of men who get into women with no self esteem are creeps - because they see a victum they can control.
I think you need to take some time away from looking for a relationship, and discover yourself, there are loads of ways to do that and different things work for different people.
You could look into counselling
spirituallity (though there be careful you arent taken in by someone taking advantage of your current state of mind)
and a whole lot of other things (this is probably more a PM conversation than a thread one.
anyway at the end of the day you owe it to yourself to work you way through the way this arsehole treated you, and get to a place where you like you, before you even think about embarking on a relationship with anyone.
I had a friend years ago who was a model - very beautiful, and she got no where with men, because her self esteem due to a similar experience to yours, was so low. | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 10:30:32 AM | You aren't worthless, seek professional help and don't ever call yourself worthless again "God Don't Make Junk" he only makes very precious people and every hair on your head is of great importance to him.
Don't let anyone make you feel worthless, you're worth more than you'll ever know. I know you're hurt but time heels all wounds and you'll be at peace again.  | |
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dandes
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Joined: 2/7/2007
Msg: 481 | |
| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 10:40:21 AM | Listen, It's not about being pretty, it's about what comes from within your heart that makes you who you are.
You need to move from stereotype personality and believe in yourself. Your're seventeen years old, go to college , then find you a guy that will like for who you are.
Again, start believing in yourself!
Daniel | |
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| I have a question....
Posted: 8/14/2007 10:48:16 AM | why do people keep replying to a post that is two years old and the person's profile is no longer on POF???  | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 10:52:46 AM | Sounds like you didnt have a tremendous amount of confidnace in yourself to begin with. Some of these "predator" types pick up on that. What makes you take up with these guys anyway and who do you think you didnt pay enough attention too when you did? Maybe the boys your paying attention to now are the ones you would have been better off with all along. If you think your worthless now do you think that maybe you thought of some boy who wasnt that popular or part of the "in crowd" not worth your time? The boy who raped you has a high opinion of himself, thinks he was doing you a favor by allowing you to be a part of his time, then showed his utter contempt for you and and any one else he knows by turning his back on you when he figured you had served your purpose. He'll get his. Just dont you treat other people, boys or girls, the same way. Oh, your not going to rape anybody but do you think there are boys you were aquainted with who had feelings for you and you didnt even know it? Do you think now you would be better off if you had? You cant love every body who has feelings for you but there is a minimum standard of common decency every human being owes to another. Just do the best you can. Which is what your doing now. You think thats worth something? You bet it is! It means you care. Good people have a tendency to do that.
"Rikky" | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 11:32:33 AM | its the way you present yourself if your prancing around saying certain things to get a guys attention, or wear skimpy clothes your going to attract the losers. ur a dumbass for sticking around and staying with him in the first place. duh!!! ive been in 4 abusive relationships and im only 20, and i've had at least 2 doctors in the emergency tell me i was lucky to be alive. i got over all this now i stay single. first off if you start dating a guy here are some signs to leave his ass,,,
1. name calling like put downs calling u fat or telling you to wear make-up or saying very rude things about you, your family, friends etc.
2. he gets angry easy.
3. gets mad when you want to chill with your friends.
4. he drinks alot or does alot of drugs.
5. disturbingly mean and ruff during sex.
6. he tells you what you can and cant do.
7.doesnt want to meet your parents.
8. has a bad crowd of friends.
9.trying to control you, ex. he'll call you when your not with him and puts you on guilt trips, or accuses you of cheating when he knows your just hanging with the girls.
10.idol threats, like you better not leave me cuz you'll never get better.
these are the ten things to look out for, now what i had to do was get a restraining order against a few ex's and that worked. butt usually when a women calls the cops once on a guy they'll leave her alone butt in my case i had two ex's that just wouldnt take the hint so my uncle took care of them and thank god for family eh? seriously not all guys are a**holes you juts have to watch how you present your self and you'll meet a decent guy not the pigs or women beaters.i hope this has helped. i just wish men would stop doing this to women we are human beings not a piece of meat or watever. im going back to school and focusing on myself and that what you should be doing to. not looking for a boyfriend cuz your just asking for problems your too young to be wanting a man in your life just live and have fun. i dont even know why i come on here anymore it's a waste of time. | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 11:42:57 AM | August 13
Dear Rebecca,
I am a mother, daughter, grandmother, aunt and a GOOD FRIEND.
I have "been there", and it is a terrible, terrible place to be. It has taken me my whole life to overcome a very similar assault on my person -- as it affects EVERY part of our bodies, minds, hearts and souls.
DO NOT try to deal with this alone.
Please immediately see a FEMALE Mental Health Counsellor. In the meantime, if you need to bend an ear, you can contact me anytime here at POF. I would be happy to hear from you.
Sincerely,
Lindsaymac | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 11:49:57 AM | | You are a victim and you did nothing to deserve this. Actually I think someone who rapes feels worthless and this is how they think they can get some power back. It is hard but if a friend told you that she had been raped you would not think she deserved it or is worthless so try to look at it that way. It takes time but do not let the person who did this win. | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 12:14:36 PM | No offense, but if your a woman in this thread and have not been raped/abused or your a guy who has not been in a serious relationship with a woman who was raped/abused you have no idea what your talking about.
Rebecca, I've been engaged to a woman who was raped when she was 16 and thought I would get engaged to another woman who was abused/raped by 3 different guys from the time she was 7-15 including family members.
You want to talk to a professional here. In both cases for me I was the only person who they ever told. I'm a damn good listener but when it came down to it there was nothing I could really do, even the second time its not something that someone who is not trained in this stuff is going to know what to say to help the healing process.
I even had some experience with this as a girl I thought was the best thing I ever met when I was 19 told me she had been raped by her step father. I still feel bad to this day 11 years later because when she told me that I had no clue what to even do then. I basically said nothing, was like a deer in headlights. It preperared me for the next 2 women but even then I felt helpless. They both told me that talking to a professional wouldn't change things. Of course it will not, but its the next best thing. It basically ate away at both the relationships eventually. The idea no one will want you because of this is totally absurd. No real man will hold that against you, the problem will be you won't know how to interpret their response. If a guy cares about you their heart will go out to you and will want to protect you, probly want to kill the guy but it won't come off like that.
seriously, talk to someone who is trained in how to talk to you about this type of situation. it will help. | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 1:00:50 PM | | I want you to sit back and take a look at yourself in a mirror. I want you to look at young woman who needs to pull her big girl pants up and tie them on tight. You are too young to worry about boys and sex and who cares what your friends are doing or what they think about you. I need you to start thinking about what makes you happy and start setting goals toward your career, family, charity and find a couple good friends what would die for you. I don’t care to know what you look like I am sure you are cute and I am very sorry you have been taken advantage of but it is time to make a change. I don’t know if you have a lot of piercing or tattoos and if so you need to limit it so it dose not stand out. I do not know how you and your family get along but don’t use anger to make mistakes. Just remember everybody makes decisions in life you just need to analyze before making a quick decision. I hope you do well from this day forward and sometimes you just need to be alone to think things out and not ask advice from other peoples. I would always remember this you do not need a man when it is time and everything feels good that’s when you can say I want a man. I have had a hard life as well and it is still a challenge to keep going but you need to look around and see who is depending on you which will keep you going. Friend | |
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| I have a question....
Posted: 8/14/2007 1:28:40 PM | | cause they didn't notice the date and it was bumped to the top, happens a lot | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 2:32:55 PM | | hey chick im not going to blab on and tell you your young i know what it was like to be raped i was raped at fifteen they never caught the ba****d but i promise it does get easier with time, i know people rave on about you should do something about it but thats alot easier said than done unless youve been there they dont understand, dont beat yourself up about other men getting pushed away from you if they were really interested in you they would be there for you no matter what maybe you are pushing them away but hey after what you went through who could really blame you? look at it this way chick me and you are the lucky ones (not that any of this is lucky) were still here to tell the story and to go ahead and live our lives, i truely wish you all the best with all my heart in getting over what happened you and one day you will find a man who will understand everything and just want to cuddle up to you to make you feel safe good luck chick and keep your head high you done nothing wrong x | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 2:57:00 PM | Byrd sez:
most men are dogs and will lead you away
I suggest you haven't completely resolved your own abuse issues. I take umbrage with your statement. If that's the best you can do for someone that's gone through a horrible experience... you have no business posting in this thread. You should be ashamed of yourself. An apoology to all the decent men in here is in order Sir.
That being said, I would also advise a female therapist but not for the reason you state. A female therapist IMHO is far more capable of understanding and relating. | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/14/2007 3:13:25 PM | I can't rate how pretty you are ... i don't know I've never met you. The really important think is what you believe about you... you need to believe that you are a good person and worthy of being cared about by someone. In order to do that you need to care about yourself first. Not easy and not feeling worthy comes with the territory of being raped. You need to get counselling and support from a rape crisis centre where people understand and care and where others have had the same feelings as you. You are not alone in you thoughts. There are many things that happen when one is raped and feeling badly and worthless because of being raped in one of them. I am not 17 but rape has affected my life and believe me when I say making that phone call to the crisis centre for counselling can give you back some of your self-esteem.
It took me a long time to do so but it has given me hope and I am learning to like me. I just wanted you to know someone cares, and wants you to care about you too. I am old enough to be your mother, god scarey I just figured it out on paper I could be your grandmother .... so please do not waster you young years feeling unworthy, you are and there are people waiting to help you learn how make the call to a rape crisis centre near you. It doesn't matter that time has past the wounds are still there and they can help.
Take care
fishnomore | |
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| I have a question....
Posted: 8/15/2007 5:13:36 AM |
why do people keep replying to a post that is two years old and the person's profile is no longer on POF???
good point
i didnt look at the date.... | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/15/2007 5:21:02 AM | some experts say that we seek out others like us.
and in your case, i'll have to agree with them.
i think you've been attracting shitty guys
because you don't like yourself. they don't like themselves
any more than you are satisfied with who you are.
that's why they're abusive. they're trying to cover up their self-hatred.
i don't know if i could go so far as to say you hate yourself.
but it sounds like you're blaming yourself for the rape.
which won't get you anywhere.
you have to understand that rape is not a matter of it being your fault.
you simply witnessed the evil of mortal men. witnessed it first-hand.
if you ask me, rapists should be locked in prison and beaten.
on a nearly-constant basis. but that's another story.
i'd say, focus inward and spend some time
coming to terms with who you are, and being satisfied with it.
the hardest fight you'll face in your life,
is the one between you and your own heart.
win that battle, and the whole world will bow to you.
-poisonwhore | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/15/2007 1:27:30 PM | | Am so sorry to hear this, this is very upsettinng. I carn't imagine the pain an suffering and psycholgical stress you've bein put through for the last few years. this is very upsetting. I would truly advise you to go and get therpy, you also need lots of support from your family and friends i really hope your getting that kind of support. If i went for a walk in the park and a dog bit me, and then the following day at the park another dog bit me, and then another the next day, id be very wary of every dog i walk past understand what am saying?. Your bound to be feeling the way you are, any other women that has bein put through a sickening ordeal like yourself, is bound to be wary of people, especially men!. Please get therpy, dont let this ruin the rest of your life your still young. I really hope this guy is locked up. | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/17/2007 4:27:42 PM | I think we'll all choose to ignore the last message. Go away Randy now.
To original poster, please don't ever think you are worthless, you need time and lots of it to heal your mind. Personally, finding a good counsellor would be of enormous help. It woudl take time. But you really need it, or you will always be living a half life, and you don't deserve that. It was not your fault, and don't keep blaming yourself for that. It was he that did it, it's his fault, so it's him that should be made to fell responsible for it. Noboby else. Counselling plus something like acupuncture, might help with the healing. Good luck. Take care | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/17/2007 4:33:06 PM | no your not worthless i have a daughter who was raped by her boyfriend she was only 13 at the time he was 16 now she has a good boyfriend 19 and expecting a baby in dec
she felt dirty and useless for awhile | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/17/2007 4:37:25 PM | | This is not your fault nothing your feeling is your fault we all attract bad men what happened to you is different you just need someone to listen to your problems (the first ones not the later ones) i cant imagine how you must feel but the more you talk the clearer things become.... you can get through this i promise | |
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| I was raped and now I'm worthless...advice?
Posted: 8/17/2007 4:38:27 PM | REBECCA,
IF YOU CONTINUE TO FEEL AND ACT WOTHLESS YOU LET HIM WIN. REPORT THIS TO A PARENT OR THE AUTHORITYS. IF NOT FOR YOUR SELF THINK OF THOSE FUTURE VICTEMS HE WILL MAKE. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME HOWEVER IN THE FUTURE BE AWARE OF YOU SURROUNDINS AND DONOT PUT YOUR SELF IN A VULNERABLE SITUATION. AGIN HE RAPED YOU AND YOU WERE VICTEMIZED DONOT LET HIM DO IT TO ANOTHER OR MAKE YOU GO THRU LIKE LOOKING BEHIND YOUR BACK. RAPEST REPRESENT A VERY SMALL PERSENTAGE OF MEN SO DONT HATE MEN JUST DON.T BE SO QUICK TO TRUST. RALPHY1
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