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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 12:45:48 PM |
I constantly encouraged her to eat right and go the gym. Constantly? Wow, you must have been a joy to live with.
I would have eaten just to piss you off.
People lose weight, or don't lose weight, on the power of their own motivation. Nothing anyone else can say or do. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 2:03:31 PM | msg; 40; firegurl61-17 wrote; You may not be shallow Hal but you are superficial..or you wouldn't have pointed out her need to exercise and eat right. You could have had your ex still if you had only stopped pointing out her imperfections. My ex didn't have to tell me I needed to lose a few pounds...I think I already knew that..it didn't need to be magnified. Nothing like a husband that can't love and accept you unconditionally. I certainly disagree with you on this "too" But I'm a man. I most likely have issues. Why couldn't she or you(firegurl) view this as if he did care for her and was concerned about her health(hi blood pressure,heart attack,stroke). After all the OP did state in his opening post that his X wife was already overweight when they married. So if she was already overweight at the time of their marrage, then she continued to be gain more weight then most likely her health was becoming a risk factor with the added weight gain. When exactly is the proper time to finally speak up an communicate with your loved one when your concerned about their health and well being?
When is it proper to speak up an you not be accused of having issues? I say the OP was concerned for his X wifes health. I don't think he's the one with the issues. But according to some, everyone has issues no mater if something happened to them that was out of their control. His ex wife gaining weight was out of his control so I just don't think it was him with the issues. Him bringing this to her attention might have saved her life. An I'm thinking that in the back of her mind she knows she feels better now since her weight loss and realizes he was possibly concerned about the quality of her life. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 2:30:25 PM | Why is this even in the broken hearts forum? Are you unhappy she lost the excess weight?
Some people are emotional eaters...some aren't. If she's actually changed her lifestyle, then she'll hopefully be healthy for the rest of her days. This is a GOOD thing, right?
My father would badger my mom about losing weight and she'd react by crying into a pint of Ben and Jerry's. So he'd badger her some more. Yeah, great logic dad. *shakes head* She divorced him, got down to a size 4 and has stayed there for the past 15 years. She says not having a man remind her of how ugly he finds her everyday helps her not feel the need to drown her sorrows in ice cream. Go figure. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 2:38:56 PM | When I was with my ex i got up to 235lbs. after she broke up with me I decided to lose weight and am down to 209lbs :) I plan on still going, bringing myself down to a comfortable weight.
Nothing encourages radical change like a breakup! | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 2:54:40 PM |
I dated and married my wife when she was over weight. She gained a lot during our marriage. I think she was up to 325. I constantly encouraged her to eat right and go the gym.
Our marriage failed for various reasons. It was never about body shapes. I'm not Shallow Hal.
Now that she's getting remarried, she can eat right and go to they gym? I hate to admit that she looks good.
you know, OP, what i find troublesome about this post? it's the way you seem to think her weight (whatever it is) is about you. or has something to do with you. or is what it is as a response to you. or as a means to bother you in some way or another (too much while married, not enough now because she's supposed to stay fat because she was fat with you).
there is also this weird way that you contradict yourself here: you claim that you are NOT "shallow hal", that the break up had nothing to do with her weight, but at the same time, it is NOW, that she has lost weight, that you hate having to admit "she looks good." so, in other words she didn't look good when she was heavy and only looks good, by your standards, now that she's lost the weight.
there's a lot here to think about -- but it surely seems to me that before you try to to make another LTR work with another woman that you realize two things: 1) figure out how you really feel about overweight women (if you don't like it, then don't get together with another overweight woman, get together with someone who "looks good" and is into fitness); 2) far more important than that, you need to figure out how to really come to an understanding that a woman's weight is about HER. that her body does not exist only in relation to you and to your desires. that a woman is a discrete being with a subjectivity of her own. and that a partner can only be a true and good partner for a woman if he understands that -- if, in other words, he understands that her body and her health and her choice to be fit or trim or fat or unfit -- these things are NOT about him. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:11:29 PM | | Mel - what does her losing the weight have to do with you? Absolutely nothing. You know, we can blame it on our partners or former partners when we lose the weight, or heaven forbid, gain the weight. Unless our partners hold a gun to our heads, we are in control of our own destiny, and that includes weight. Those that are overweight, if they want to lose weight, they should do it for themselves, and more so, for health reasons, not because our partners want us to. Weight (outside of medical reasons) is all about lifestyle. Losing weight isn't all about dieting, it's also about exercise, but the most important thing, is you have to WANT to do it, and be willing to change your lifestyle. I say hooray for your ex-wife. You should be happy for her, instead of dwelling on what you didn't have. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:13:39 PM | It would seem to me that we are missing a huge piece of the puzzle here...her story. Why did she lose the weight? She is the only person that can answer this and if you need to come to terms with it, grow 'some' and ask her.
Without knowing what we are actually talking about, we can all be arm chair shrinks. It was his quasi support, seen by some as nagging, or it was her lack of willpower or perhaps even that she was actually happy with herself. Hard to believe that...a person could be heavy and at peace.
OR, and this is a revelation unto itself...the emotional and physical stress of her life falling apart, set the wheels in motion. If I could bottle divorce as a diet, I'd been one wealthy woman. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:13:50 PM | | Good for her!!!!!!!!!!Sometimes when someone is nagging at you to lose weight and excercise you just do the opposite.Maybe if you just had of told her she looked pretty she might have made that decision on her own and lost weight when she was with you.Maybe this new person makes her feel so good about herself she wants to looks and feel better. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:19:31 PM | I glad that the men look the same when they marry us and all thr0ugh the marriage right up to the very end! YOU GO GUYS !!! CAN WE HEAR IT FOR THE MEN ??   | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 3:56:49 PM |
When I was with my ex i got up to 235lbs. after she broke up with me I decided to lose weight and am down to 209lbs :) I plan on still going, bringing myself down to a comfortable weight.
Nothing encourages radical change like a breakup!
that my friend, is what we call the divorce diet! | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 5:19:35 PM | She was overweight when you married and then she ballooned to much more? Hmm, sounds to me like she was using food as comfort. She was beginning to become miserable from all your constant "encouragement".
Now that she's getting remarried, she can eat right and go to they gym? Yup, apparently so. Apparently she has a whole new outlook in life and if she didn't like herself before, perhaps she does now. But, she sure didn't do it for you.
I hate to admit that she looks good. You just did. Congratulations OP! | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 5:39:15 PM | supersnuggle said:
I would guess that 95% of men that married a slim woman, do not like it when they put on the weight.
Unlike the women who married the slims guys -- these women just love it, love it, love it, when their guy puts on the pounds!
OP, at first I was going to say "why do you even care?" But then I checked your profile and posting history and I realized you have a child. Of course you care -- obviously, you're thrilled that your daughter's mom is now so much healthier and will likely not only live longer without the excess weight, but will enjoy greater health overall as well.
As far as the overall vibe one could get from your thread title and your OP, it's clear that you care for other reasons as well. I don't think it's fair to you to assume that your wife was overweight and put on the pounds while married to you because of, or as a rebellion against you or your "encouragement". After all, she was an adult and if she had a problem, it was first and foremost her responsibility to recognize it, face it, and learn to make changes for herself. But for you to now express your dismay that she'd finally dropped the pounds, well.... honestly, that just seems like you care a little too much about your ex's looks and how she may be deploying that new, slimmer "her" in the dating market.
There was a great article recently in some venue such as Yahoo News or such, that basically explored current research which found that those who are most recovered from and healed after their divorces are those who: 1) have very low or no involvement and/or preoccupation with their ex, AND 2) harbor no ill feelings, negativity and/or hostility toward their ex.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:13:54 PM | So, let's see, she lost about 190 pounds the day the divorce was finalized? Just a tad bit jealous of the new husband. Sux when a fat chick one ups ya, doesn't it?
Fat, then thin, then fat again Liz
When my divorce finalized, I lost 320 pounds of a$$ hole in a loser husband. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:26:16 PM | The armchair psychiatrist once again proves, you get what you pay for when it comes to asking advice!
She lost the weight because she had to to date effectively. Now that she has him, she'll blow right past 325 on her way to 4 bills. Wait for it.
Skibike, honey, that's just offensive. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps she lost weight to feel good about herself, to get healthy, or because exercising was a good way to pass the time once her marriage ended? Presuming that she did so just to "date effectively", or even worse to presume that's what single, overweight people HAVE to do in order to get a date is both shallow and presumptuous.
 for the ex for losing the weight, and wishing happiness to all parties moving forward. Life is too short!! | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:46:29 PM | "Apparently she ate for emotional reasons, as do so many overweight folks."
Why do people with great bodies think that over weight people each because they are lonely, yes some do but hell, I will tell you not all do. Some people just are born with a what us southern's call big bones. I all ways say, Marlyn Monroe was a size 16/18 when she dies and she was considered one of the beautiful women in this love country of our.
If a woman or man is not happy with themselves, inside and out. No one will every be happy.
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 9:49:44 PM | | My ex "constantly encouraged me to eat right and go to the gym" too. The only problem was that it was never enough, I was never thin enough, never worked out enough. Maybe if you hadn't nagged her she would have lost the weight because she wanted to not because you were making her feel fat and undesirable. And don't give me that "I was worried about her health" crap, I heard that too. | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/1/2008 11:30:13 PM | I agree with what many said about how nagging about weight can cause the opposite affect intended. It works that way for me, too. In almost all my relationships except the last 2, weight was a much discussed issue, whether the amount was 5 pounds, (honest!) or 20. Only one time was the nagging helpful, and that was with my ex husband, who had a way of expressing it that wasn't negative...it was more like, "You look great, but you would look even better if/would be a 'knock out' if....", so it was more like a compliment in a round about way. I never gained weight with him, probably because I knew when the weight gain was coming. Sometimes it isn't noticed until it is too late.
My weight even now, is constantly up and down, and a constant struggle on my part to even keep it stable. I let anyone I get involved with know this..and I also let them know that I will not tolerate being called 'FAT' ever again! Many of the guys who write to me on POF mention that I really 'kept myself up'...which to me translates to "didn't let yourself get fat". This scares me because I don't want a guy who would nag or leave me at the first sign of a weight gain. Sometimes I feel like only posting my 'fat pictures', so I would attract only those that I knew could deal with it, and they could get pleasantly surprised when we meet...(I'm not saying that I'm not still overweight, just not as bad as I have been in the past...never hit 200 pounds, though)
Let me suggest another reason for weight gain while married/in a relationship which I'm surprised that no one else has mentioned. In my last 2 relationships, the weight was coming back on while I was in the relationship, but it wasn't because of him nagging, because these are the only ones who DIDN'T nag me. It had more to do with my diet. When I am in a relationship, I tend to cook more because I want to please him and most men like to eat. Well, if I eat even just one meal a day, up goes my weight...I do better to just nibble all day....so after a break up, with me not cooking, what happens? I lose weight! (I can't cook it, smell it, and watch someone eat it, and resist eating it myself...I just CAN'T!)
So OP, she may have gained weight because she was trying to please YOU! When you were nagging her, what would your reaction have been, if she had decided to quit cooking and just feed you 'rabbit food'? Think about it....
~DC~ | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/2/2008 12:59:30 AM | Yes, that's what happened to me too - and two pregnancies.
It's not uncommon for men to marry 'fat' women because they think nobody else will have them so they're a safe bet. (I have actually HEARD a man say this about his wife!)
You could ask YOURSELF some questions, OP. What attracted you to her? When did the weight become the main issue? Why weren't you helping her burn it off in marathon lovemaking sessions and making her feel sexy instead of criticised? Are you overweight? What are you going to do when she's married and all your friends are bored of hearing about it? When are you going to move on? Are you going to get some help with this from a counsellor?
And do YOU need to lose any weight? Cos now would be a good time, while you're single, then you can be ready for the next gorgeous woman to pick you out of a crowd and never have to nag you about your weight! | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/2/2008 1:11:37 AM | That happened to me, although I was never huge I was pretty weighty as my marriage dissolved and as soon as he was gone the weight fell off and I was back to my normal weight and a lot happier for it.
Sorry hun it happens when women are unhappy.
EDIT: Message 69, never thought of that - so I lost 20 stone on that basis, laughing out loud lots | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/2/2008 1:40:47 AM | | It does sound like you have some sour grapes, It is not clear, so I will just say that I will be on your side, why do you think she gained weight while you were married, while you were encouraging her to eat right and exercise? Do you think that you may have gone about it the wrong way? If, she is happy now and taking good care of herself, why not just be happy for her and not worry about it? You both may have been way too young, or just grew apart. It sounds like you resent her losing the weight by the title, but then the statement sounds more balanced. Who knows why things happen... it seemed like every time I broke up with a guy he struck it rich... so go figure.. the entire time I dated them we were dirt poor, then "Kaboom" they were loaded, either they inherited a fortune, or their business was purchased for a gazillion dollars or something. so I understand things can look different when we have left a situation... | |
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| Oh now, she looses the weight
Posted: 8/2/2008 3:00:39 AM | Supersnuggle: Womwn have to have a motive to lose weight, and the best motive is to get a man.
Yes, we do but it isn't catching a man. You weighed 235. Need I point out the obvious? You were yourself fat. We women are not motivated to look like Barbie dolls for men that look like trolls . I am heavier than I'd like to be-although by no means huge- and I am losing the weight not to catch A man, but the kind of man I can be attracted to. It kills me that you see all these men that look like thirty miles of bad road in the middle of a snow storm- balding, with beer guts, missing or rotten teeth or just bursting at the seams-yet they want a woman to be thin and good looking for them. If you look like _ _ it and you get her to marry you and are getting some, consider yourself lucky. Your ex gained the weight because she looked at you, looked at herself and said "Why bother?" The idea women gain weight once they get the man is sophomoric since no one is ever a permanent fixture. Caught can get uncaught. Women let themselves go when the men they are with let themselves go.
I'd be interested to see what OP looked like when he was married. Also, support to change is never support. How would you,OP, like a woman to marry you and "support "you to get a better paid job or become rich? You wouldn't because translation would be, your job is not good enough; you are not rich enough for me. You are not a good provider. Telling someone whom you met and married overweight to loose weight and "support " them basically says :Your body isn't good enough;you are not attractive enough for me. I did you a favor by marrying you and you must loose weight for me. When a woman feels that way,she isn't going to loose weight-just her spark for you. She has lost the weight now because you are no longer nagging. The fact you even posted this thread shows how important her weight,vs. her, was to you and that weight was a contributing factor to your divorce. After all, nagging and wanting to change someone shows disrespect and without respect, what do you have? Now you've lost your chance and now she looses the weight. Good for her! She's found someone as attactive as she is now and if he respects her and keeps looking good for her, she'll stay thin and make an effort to look good for him too.
HERE'S A HINT I AM TAKING MYSELF: BE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT TO ATTRACT. IT DOES WONDERS TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. | |
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