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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.      Home login  
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 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 76
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.Page 4 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Maybe I missed this, but is there a reason you don't have pics of you not crossdressing - clothing you would wear on a date? I think you have to be upfront about most non mainstream things, but you said you date in male clothing, why not have pictures of the way you would actually go out?
 Wicked_Cricket
Joined: 9/26/2009
Msg: 77
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/2/2010 7:36:08 PM
note to self: first chance u get, go thru guy's closet & drawers, check for better clothes/shoes than mine
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 78
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/3/2010 10:34:06 PM
What's this childhood stuff you're talking about? I enjoy cross dressing and I had a pretty awesome childhood. Being outside of the status quo doesn't mean you had some sort of demented childhood.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 79
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:08:29 AM
I've only known one crossdresser in my life, and I know that he found both a fine relationship which still exists (they married within two years of college and are still together), and he eventually left his crossdressing days behind, AFTER he was with his wife for some time.
As far as when to tell, the only thing I can say for sure, is that if it's going to kill the relationship, it will kill it whenever you tell, so sooner is certainly more cost-effective than later. Like anything out of the ordinary, it's up to you to accept that your special attribute will narrow your available mates, just as any kind of attribute does, including birth defects, sexual orientation, addiction to tobacco, etc etc.
 Spagett!
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 80
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/4/2010 11:13:01 AM

Being outside of the status quo doesn't mean you had some sort of demented childhood.

It does here! Welcome to POF!
Speaking from experience, believe me you have it easy in here.

As for the Topic at hand:
ALWAYS tell them UP FRONT.

It is lying, and a super waste of time if you do not. If the girl is going to dump you for it, better now than later. Do you want a relationship with someone who does not accept you? This is not about the clothes, it is about your lifestyle. ALWAYS make sure your lifestyles are compatible, that is the first and foremost thing that will kill a budding relationship. As it should.

PS: PERSONAL PREFERENCE to the bigoted posts.
 Helen0426
Joined: 6/2/2009
Msg: 81
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/4/2010 2:47:28 PM
You may be right, Spagett! (heh - cute), that it should be right up-front. I'd be okay with hearing about it later, but then, that's probably in large part because I'm okay with it!

Editing to add, the original poster - over two years ago, so I doubt he's still reading - did refer to having lingering problems due to childhood abuse, in the opening post. Evidently this was okay with the woman he was dating but the cross-dressing was not. I believe the point was that this constituted a pretty backwards way for her to look at the two things... and I agree.
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 82
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 11:23:52 AM
I agree it's a waste of time to date someone that doesn't accept you. But I don't agree that crossdressing is always a "lifestyle". For some it's a fetish or something they do on occasion and it's no big deal if their partner isn't into it. I would be kinda funny if every woman you met for a date said: "Hi, nice to meet you, my name is Molly and I have a big foot fetish." Some of those things I would rather know down the road when I am more comfortable with the person, not in the awkward first date scenario.
 Spagett!
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 83
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 11:29:31 AM

... it's no big deal if their partner isn't into it.

If it was not a big deal, then why the thread?


For some it's a fetish or something...

Exactly, and a rather "taboo" one at this point. Lifestyle or not, it is something that should be brought up, up front. Unless one enjoys being a liar, or do you not enjoy wearing womens clothing?


I would be kinda funny if every woman you met for a date said: "Hi, nice to meet you, my name is Molly and I have a big foot fetish."

Comparing apples to oranges at this point. A foot fetish is not "taboo", a man dressing as a woman is. Until that changes, it is inconsiderate to keep such a thing "secret".

FURTHERMORE, why date someone if they are not privy to your special stuff? That is a part of you, fetish or lifestyle, hiding it from them is a disrespect to yourself, and to them. Take charge of yourself, be proud of who you are, don't hide.


Some of those things I would rather know down the road when I am more comfortable with the person, not in the awkward first date scenario.

See, I like to know if the person I am dating is compatible with me or not. I guess to each their own...
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 84
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 11:53:54 AM
That's okay, I just have a different opinion than you. I don't tell people how much money I have in the bank account on a first date. That doesn't make me a liar. That's very misleading. Regardless if something is taboo or not, I'll share what I'm comfortable sharing with a stranger. Why does a taboo mean you have to be open about it? Maybe I won't like the woman't foot fetish and choose not to date her. It wasn't taboo, but it didn't match my personal preference. How do you know right away if the other person is worth sharing all of your details with? I just don't think it's always a good idea to overwhelm someone with information on a first date; sometimes it's better to get to know someone slowly. That kinda reminds me of a date I went on a long time ago and the first thing the woman said was that she was raped when she was younger. Ya, it's cool to be upfront, but I barely knew her name. Usually, after getting to know someone, you can figure out if they will be totally accepting of you or not, what their values are, etc. I think it shows discretion to feel people out and realize one person who is open-minded would be okay with me sharing myself with her and this other person who is more closed minded isn't going to see eye to eye with me.
I can appreciate what you're trying to say. You want to find out right away if someone if worth your time and compatible. I think there are many quality women out there who are very accepting and I've known many who are turned on by crossdressing. We just have different approaches. I agree you should be proud of who you are and share yourself 100% with your partner.
 Spagett!
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 85
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 12:03:54 PM

I don't tell people how much money I have in the bank account on a first date. That doesn't make me a liar.

You misunderstand. You, as a person, enjoy dressing as a woman. Right?

So when you go on a date, and are talking about you, as a person. If you omit that data, then you are not telling the whole truth, are you? Money in the bank is not a "red flag", you are trying to skirt (heh) the issue. You know damn well that there IS a BIG difference between everything you have tried to compare this to.

I am proud of my lifestyle, and I tell the gals BEFORE ANY date. It is only fair to them, not to mention myself. Why the hell would I want to go through "dating" only to have it blow up at the end because of my underwear? Why would you want to date a girl who was not "into you" (as a person)? If they do not know about your clothing habits, then they do not know you.
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 86
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 12:26:09 PM
Yeah, I get what you're saying, I just have a different approach. I don't like to beat strangers over the head with the metaphorical hammer. It's hard for people to accept you before they know you as a person. How do they know if you're kind, gentle, loyal, romantic, etc, before even meeting you? I can't really think of a first meeting with someone where they revealed everything about themselves, and it never bothered me. I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting a variety of people when you're single and then deciding who you want to get to know better and share more of yourself with. If it came up in conversation, I wouldn't lie about it. I persosonally like to feel people out as to what kind of person they are first before I decide it's time to share all. I kinda have to laugh though, it's so silly something so harmless is a taboo. Next, you're gonna have to warn people about what colour your toothbrush is. People need to loosen up a bit.
 Spagett!
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 87
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 12:38:15 PM

It's hard for people to accept you before they know you as a person.

And those are the people that I do not wish to date. If they can not accept me, then I do not want to date them.


How do they know if you're kind, gentle, loyal, romantic, etc, before even meeting you?

I get it, so the fact that they will think you are "nasty" for dressing as a girl doesn't matter. As long as they know that you are kind, gentle, loyal and romantic first. THEN they can be prejudice towards you.


I don't think there's anything wrong with meeting a variety of people when you're single and then deciding who you want to get to know better and share more of yourself with.

Nothing wrong with this at all. But if you are going to go to the next step, ie Dating, then you need to tell the girl what she is getting into. Plain and simple. The fact that you don't want to tell upfront should explain it to you right there. You know that it is a red flag, and you think that if you can show them who you "really are" (ahh irony) they will accept the gals clothing. Well the world does not work like that, I am sorry. Who you "really are" is a guy who likes to wear girls clothing, if you want to show the girls the real you...well...


I persosonally like to feel people out as to what kind of person they are first before I decide it's time to share all.

Um, hypocrisy? Maybe the gal wants to make sure you don't dress up in all frills before sharing what you want to hear? Why is it okay for you to have a quiz, but when it is time for your answers its "No fair!"?


I kinda have to laugh though, it's so silly something so harmless is a taboo.

Well we do not live in a perfect world, otherwise we would not have a "Perfect world Fallacy"


The perfect solution fallacy is a logical fallacy that occurs when an argument assumes that a perfect solution exists and/or that a solution should be rejected because some part of the problem would still exist after it were implemented. This is a classic example of black and white thinking, in which a person fails to see the complex interplay between things, and as a result, reduces complex problems to a pair of binary extremes.

Some, I would even say majority, girls do not like guys who dress like women. IF they did this thread would not exist, and you would not hide who you are from girls. You know this is the truth, and this dancing around is not fooling anyone. Compare this orange to some more apples, go ahead...
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 88
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 1:12:08 PM
I agree it's good to be honest with people and proud of who you are, but why do you continue to crossdress if it's going to limit the number of dates you go on? I'm just curious, how do they usually react when you are up front with them? I don't expect any woman to share her whole story with me on a first date. Do you put on your profile that you are a crossdresser? If you don't, then are you lying to people with your profile? I can see how crossdressing could eventually become an excuse to say "this is why I can't get a date, etc". I don't personally see it as a taboo and I've never thought twice about anyone that does it or anyone that's gay, transgendered, etc. It's okay if other people do, it's their life and they can have their own opinion. I think the fact that so many people treat it as a taboo creates people that are afraid to share that information with people and hide it from people they are even married to. I can see why people wouldn't want to share that information if it means they will be rejected. I'm not trying to prove anything to you, I just do what works for me.

 Euroalex
Joined: 2/20/2007
Msg: 89
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 1:29:22 PM
your relationship went downhill because she thought you as perverted.

people have various norms, standards they expect from their partner.

there is no right or wrong behaviour, just from the point of view of that woman that counts.

some women are OK with, some aren't.

you have a choice:
1.extreme A-
be 100% yourself. might be hard to find a woman who will love you for yourself, in fact nobody tolerates absolutelly every "bad habit"(from the viewpoint of the woman)
2.extreme B
be the ideal person she wants you to be. fulfill all her needs, adjust all your habits etc to her opinions.
society already trained you to behave certain ways, norms to follow....she can add her norms to it....
3........in reality compromise is somewhere between the above extremes of A and B.

so no3. leads to the questions:
is crossdressing you could give up or not?
could you limit it, to certain times etc.?
like doing it in private, and never in your home town etc.

how much can you, or willing to supress the crossdressing habit of you?

life is about choices, so make the choices that you feel most right -whatever it will be
- it's your life, your decisions.
 acuddler
Joined: 10/30/2009
Msg: 90
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 2:09:49 PM
Put it in your profile. Then you will know that the women who contact you don't have a problem with it. Of course, fewer women will contact you...but those who do will be more accepting. Many crossdressers are gay, and many are not. Few 'normal' people have much education about such things, so they go by gut intsincts-which say crossdressers are weird, and probably gay-and by movies/novels which suggest they are gay, weird, and homicidal.

There are online sites-clubs, fellowships, etc-where crossdressers-and those who love them-can socialize. Join a few. Maybe you'll meet a gal whose crossdressing BF/hubby died a year ago, and left her looking for another. To most people minds. crossdressers are gay, and child molesters...like Michael Jackson. He spent a lifetime getting cosmetic surgeries to look like Diana Ross. He dressed in womanly sequins, etc. He did with his face what you do with clothes. Some people will always think of MJ as a child molesting pervert; whether he was one or not. Many will feel the same about you. There will always be people who will never accept you once they know you crossdress, and they will fear, and hate, you. A woman who may be able to accept you may worry that her father, brothers, coworkers, etc, would not accept you, and so she would hesitate to become involved with you for fear of others learning about your habit, and taking it out on her.

Be open from the start, or change your ways. Get into show biz as a crossdressing comedian. Let the crossdresser part of your persona seem like just a show biz act for the sake of getting laughs. People will be more accepting of it then, and you will satisfy your urges without causing much trouble. Be a crossdresser who makes fun of crossdressers. That is ok, as the first rule of comedy is "you only knock your own". A Pole can tell polack jokes, but others should not. Fat women can tell fat lady jokes, but skinny men should not. As a crossdressing comic, you can satisfy your urges, do so in a more socially acceptable way, avoid having to hide your habit, and get paid for it all to boot. Once you are a headliner in Vegas, woman will flock to you.
 longhairbadass
Joined: 11/30/2009
Msg: 91
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 5:07:57 PM
I'm sorry. I'm just never gonna get it. I'm never going to understand crossdressers. Some fetishes I can kind of understand. But I'm never gonna get crossdressing. And I have played in an 80s hairband, and wore spandex, and makeup, and sequin shirts. One band I was in dressed in drag every halloween. I'm just never gonna get it. Maybe its the fact that I'm an ugly man, and I'm a really ugly man dressed up in drag. Got no desire to wear pumps. They hurt my feet. Got no desire to wear womens panties, although I've ended up in them drunk in the dark after a show, and a ride home. Got no desire to wear dresses cuz I've got whiteass chicken legs. Got no desire to wear padded shoulder blouses because I have broad shoulders already and look like flippin fenders on a 57 chevy. I got no tits so a bra looks absolutely ridiculous. I don't have the form or function. But I do have a cute little ass. But its a guy ass. My fetish is guy crap. Money, motorcycles, toys, guitars, tangible investments. Give me a mingh vase, rug- pre persian dynasty, 70 hemi cuda, 58 les paul, 67 marshall stack JMP superlead, silver boullion, an invert jenny postage stamp, and or hawaiian, or ryiakus, a goldpan full of fresh dug nuggets, a beer, and a 14,000 foot vista to overlook after climbing it, and I'm good. Way better than a 10 dollar pair of panties. I just don't get it.
 longhairbadass
Joined: 11/30/2009
Msg: 92
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/6/2010 5:16:20 PM
I guess in this situation honesty is the best policy. And check your expectations. You're expecting too much if you think everyone is just going to accept your fetish of crossdressing. I won't knock your crossdressing fetish if you don't knock my vintage guitar collecting fetish. You like Liz taylor. I like taylor acoustics. Seems reasonable.
 Coma White
Joined: 4/11/2004
Msg: 93
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 12:01:46 AM
I can see why people think it's strange, and it takes all types, that's for sure. It's interesting that men used to play the roles of women in plays and operas and now people would see it as a comedy skit instead of something commonplace. I'm kinda the opposite of most people, I'm intrigued when someone is different than the social norm. I think it's good to be picky about relationships though, if you're going to make a commitment, you have to be satisfied, and everyone has a different ideal.
 aaamm
Joined: 7/5/2009
Msg: 94
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 4:58:14 AM
8/6/2008 is when this was posted, a year and a half ago. I think the OP really is handling this now the way he wishes to.
 Spagett!
Joined: 8/9/2009
Msg: 95
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 8:10:16 AM

8/6/2008 is when this was posted, a year and a half ago.

I know! It's nice that POF lets us post to old threads, instead of making new ones. Helps keep the redundancy down!

Really it all boils down to personal preference. Even when I say it is "wrong" to not be up front about this, that is a personal preference. It's just that this personal preference tends to be common amongst people at this time. (IE Frills+man = Red Flag)

Until that changes, I stick to the position that disclosure should come sooner, rather than later.
 ToughLuv1984
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 96
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 1:49:11 PM
This is not something you should keep in the closet. (Pun intended). Its hard but with more people doing like Harvey Milk and 'owning it' out in the open, change will come to the day when there isn't such a rigid 'masculinity' preservation cult telling people what kinks or preferences they should have.
 voshie
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 97
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/7/2010 9:02:48 PM
you should be upfront about something thats a real deal breaker for yourself if an intended woman is in the pic so she can make an educated choice ..being left out in the cold on such things as this is more hurtful down the road than if you were to actually get caught all dolled up while out on the town
 startle
Joined: 7/22/2008
Msg: 98
Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 1/8/2010 5:49:57 PM
anything in your past which is probably not going to go over too well should never be discussed....the time to go into it is if there is a very close bond and then you will start unloading all the past experiences good and not..also every aspect of your life ...that is for people you feel safe with and trust....you don't have to reveal everything to people you are merely dating....
 Breebee77
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 99
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/2/2010 5:54:44 PM
Aww yes the age old question. How does a crossdresser go about telling their significant other about their Femme side? I can speak from some experience here. My last two girlfriends were not happy about it or accepting of the idea when they found out. In both cases these were long term relationships that ended quite badly because they were not open to the idea of their boyfriend crossdressing.

So I’ve decided to be up front about it from now on. It really shrinks the dating pool quite a bit but oh well, it’s the cards that us “CDs” have been dealt. Anyway, stay pretty and strong fellow CD’ers! There are accepting women for us out there!
Adios!
Bree…
 Opalstar10
Joined: 4/21/2009
Msg: 100
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Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.
Posted: 2/2/2010 8:52:07 PM
Believe it or not, I was married to a crossdresser when I was 17. Unfortunately, he was bisexual which didn't work for me. I personally have no problems with a person who crossdresses so long as they look good in public doing it. If not, keep it in private and have fun with it. It can be alot of fun and yes, even erotic. I would say to only be honest with a woman after you feel you know her well enough to brooch the subject. I met my ex, in drag, working, lol, he had to tell me he was really a man, I thought it rocked!
Hope this helps.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Crossdressing; tell up front, or wait? Another bad experience.