| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:30:36 PM | | I'm sorry OP I don't mean to be any part of hijacking your thread or demeaning it's value... but I need to declare myself ........Rhino, you are one of those agenda driven, forum trolls that look for fights, stop looking for one with me. If you truly need to fight THAT bad I can help you out tho ...Stick your head up your a*ss and fight for air!!....In the future, I'll respond in all small words with simpler definitions so you might have an easier time of gathering my meanings more readily....that's the best I can do for ya there Spankmeister ( this was a public service announcement for the lessening of the troll presence here upon Middle Earth! )..... rolls eyes........Please forgive that hunk of ugliness you all. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 12:45:57 PM | Moon, I'm not sure where your anger comes from, but it's really misplaced.
All this from a simple comment on how easily sarcasm comes through even when the message itself is hard to understand.
I really couldn't care much less about you, any agenda, or trolling, but you've sure worked up a strong case in your own mind.
Have a nice day, though.  | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 1:02:49 PM | | I would tell the brother if he contacts you again that you would be amiable to supervised scheduled visits at your home. He's had 5 years to re-establish contact and this is how he choses to do it, through a proxy? There is nothing worse than a deadbeat parent and the families that support their actions. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 1:09:06 PM |
There is nothing worse than a deadbeat parent and the families that support their actions.
True, but don't forget the parable of the prodigal son. If he's truly "returned" and is planning to be what he should have been from the start, then it's good, right?
That said, yes, start from supervised visits and make sure it's all copasetic... then go forward. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 1:36:00 PM | | Rhino, if my words to you are misplaced....then forgive me. You speak of a parable of the prodigal son....well, that was not real life, however it was used as a learning aid. Be that as it may, this "prodigal son" chose NOT to reappear in person....and he abandoned an innocent little girl, nor did he show himself in person he sent over another total stranger to that child to "fetch" her....that shows a total lack of character, a Dad doesn't do that to his little girl....he keeps her safe....he makes sure her Mom understands his meanings in his planned actions as he contacts her and calms her fears of the unknown as well...because, he recalls that the mother of his child is another father's little girl as well.....and if he wishes his own daughter treated well by men, then he best treat other mens daughters equally as well. The father in this case forgot that, or did not see the value of that simple truism....In the end, it's all about ones character....not what one might perceive as entitlement. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 1:50:57 PM | First, if he hasn't had contact in 5+ years, he abandoned the child. In most states, he wouldn't have any rights to the child. With that said, you have control over this situation.
If he wants to see his daughter then he needs to be man enough to contact you about it, not send someone else. Personally, I'd have the visits supervised at first. Let him prove he's going to be a consistant part in your child's life. This is going to be a huge change for your daughter. She shouldn't be thrown into a relationship with him and sure the hell shouldn't be forced to go with some "stranger" for visits. I agree that he should be phased in and not hit her with a "hey I'm your dad." I suggest maybe slowly getting him involved. If you can tolerate being around him, maybe you could first introduce him to her as a friend of yours. Once she is comfortable with this "friend" in her life, then work up to the Daddy speech.
As far as him sending his brother... I'd say he was afraid though of your reaction and didn't want to have to deal with any anger. You can make it clear to his brother that he needs to speak to you directly so that you can lay some rules down or he can forget about any visits. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:50:07 PM | He left via the back door in the dark of night right ?
Then make him come back via the front door in full daylight!
He needs to:-
1. Give you some background info about himself - where does he live, where was he? has he got treatment for the drinking. Your daughter will have 101 questions and you need to have enough info to guide her thru the turmoil of emotions she'll be feeling, and out the other side gently, without malice and honestly.
2. Introduce himself gently having listened to your loving guidance in an environment, at a time etc when she is most likely to feel safe and comfortable. For that first meet you need to be there - sitting at a distance, ready to smooth over any initial upset she feels, and to ensure that she feels safe and not isolated with her dreams of daddy and the stark reality.
3. Understand clearly that when you promise a kid something you don't break that promise UNLESS you really are hit by a truck and the child can come see you in your hospital bed to verify that fact for themselves.
It's better he says he'll see her once a month for an hour, or send a Xmas card and then he really keeps that small promise, than that he whisks her away for a day, a month or a year and then she doesn't know when, whence or where she'll see him again. From what I've seen around me - THAT's when the poor kids end up really messed up in the head. His guilt may make him promise the moon and then fail to deliver - leaving her upset in a way she'll never truly recover from.
She needs an anchor for her feelings (you) and a genuine trustworthy set of expectations (her Dad and you working together). | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 2:51:19 PM | So, a man can walk out of a child's life for 5 years and think he has any right to just waltz back in?
Legally I would voice all your concerns of drug usage, alcohol problems, abandonment, and safety for your daughter to be with him. Not to mention the fact that he is too much of a coward to even approach you with a request to visit...
I would maybe allow him SUPERVISED visits if I legally had to, but no way would he be allowed to take her out of my sight. Firstly I would prepare her about who this man is coming to "visit" though, and I would go as far as to have her a bit prepared about his possible leaving again.
I know very well how painful it is when "father's day" comes along and there is no "dad". I know how painful it is to have your child ask "why she doesn't have a daddy, why her daddy couldn't love her or want to see her".... I went through years of it, but I was honest with her and she became very strong. Plus, when the time came where she could go meet him, I fully warned her that he is unreliable, and will make promises to her he won't keep, and it may break her heart. SHE chose not to meet him then, and refuses to every year that passes.
I may be a little harsh, but who the he11 does he think he is to "demand" anything after abandoning this child for 5 years?! Talk about playing games with your poor little girl's heart and mind... | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:21:34 PM | I don't know about cowardly, (except that he in NO WAY should be making "demands") I think perhaps that was indeed his idea of introducing the idea rather than making direct contact with you or your daughter. I certainly agree that you want a phased approach. Perhaps he could write to her first and express his thoughts as to what happened and who he is now and so on. And your daughter should share this letter with you. Then perhaps a phone call. And maybe a first visit could be with you and your daughter and him and his brother at a coffeeshop or something -- a public place. I think that you are right in being concerned about him and whether he is into alcohol and/or drugs and I see not a thing wrong with your wanting to take it slow and to somehow get important assurances, whether legal or otherwise. If he can't understand that, he needs to think on it some more and fully understand your concerns -- he needs to earn his way back into his child's life and not as a punishment (which he will assume it is) but as a right of passage for safety's sake.
He needs to build back trust and respect, no matter how long that might take! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 5:35:24 PM | Am I the only one who thinks that if he wants back in his daughters life, that he needs to go to court and re-establish visitation?
Sorry, but it's far too easy to waltz in and out of a childs life when it's convenient. She's already been hurt once, why set her up again, especially if you don't know if he'll stay in the picture this time?
I think by asking him to petition the courts for visitation, it will bring out his true colors. If he is bound and determined to be a part of her life, he'll have no problem hiring a lawyer, if he's still a flake, he'll disappear again.
Make him SHOW you he's serious about being a dad. Make him prove to you that he wants to be in her life. Nothing saying you can't request supervised visitation, either by yourself, or a court ordered supervisor to ensure the visits are appropriate and safe for your daughter, and then take it from there if it all goes well.
He may have changed, he may not have. You're not going to know it unless you give him a chance. That being said, I'd be extremely cautious, given his history, and that is exactly why I said if he's serious, he'll have no problem petitioning the courts on his dime. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:11:29 PM |
WTF is he thinking?
First of all let me just say that I'm in no way condoning what he did...something similar happened with my boys' father and I know how much they hurt, and kids shouldn't feel like that - ever.
But. To you it seems so obvious, that he should not want to jump back in with both feet, that he should ease into it for the sake of your daughter and any confusion it might bring. But keep in mind that he doesn't know how or where to start, he's basically never been a parent before. So it looks like he just started at square one, and it is a start. You'll have to be above any bitterness you might feel and keep your head on straight and try to be as objective as you possibly can if you want this to work out. And even when things are going semi-well, there will be times when he'll screw up...again, because he does not know what it's like to be a parent. You have to gently nudge him in the right direction. Hopefully he will be open to it. If not, you might have to remind him that you are the one that knows your daughter best, you've been the one living with her day in and day out for the last 5 years, and he is just going to have to defer to you sometimes. Good luck to you and your daughter. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/11/2008 6:53:51 PM |
His brother told me that he was at work right now, had talked to him before he came to my house, and wanted him to take her to his place of work to see him, without me!!
Yeah, sounds like he expects to just waltz in and be "daddy" again. He definitely needs a reality check and I think supervised visitations are definitely in order!
Wish these absentee parents would realize that these are HUMAN BEINGS and not just dolls you can set aside and pick up again when convenient. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 5:41:41 AM | I did talk to my lawyer yesterday and there are provisions to his visitation since he has been gone for a significant period of time. It clearly states that his parenting time must be phased in, supervised. She said if he wanted to push the matter of his visitation then there are other things I have him on, like it states in our divorce decree he has to carry insurance on her, he is responsible for a portion of her medical costs, pay child support (he is 15000 behind), he has to provide me with correct address and phone numbers for him and his employer. He hasnt done any of that.
My only concern is that he took off once, he'll do it again. I dont want to put her through that again. If this is something he 100% wants then I will do anything I can to make sure he has a relationship with her, but I dont feel I should have to hold his hand to be a dad. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:53:12 AM | | pepsi, some of that was uncalled for and just downright mean.....protecting your child is one thing and I support it...taking pot shots at a man that was a parent one day and the next a court ruling made him a sperm donor with a chequebook isn't fair. Unless you've lived it...it's difficult to relate to it. The child support system is in place to reduce the burden of state welfare and ...in their infinite wisdom....the mothers were arbitrarily chosen as the custodial parent.....not the BEST parent.....the custodial parent. This does not mean you are the best parent between the two of you either, you were just chose over gender....on an old double standard between the sexes that says men can make more money than women, so they can damn sure dole it out if they want to divorce her. In fact...the ruling was made because had your ex-husband been given custodial parenting rights, your state felt that you would be unable to earn enough to support him, the child, and yourself...and your ex would become a welfare burden. In essence, you "won" by default. Just be nice and try to repair the Mom/Dad relationship as best you can....for the sake of your daughter. She needs him as much and as often as she needs you. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:57:31 AM | | One more thing, it's is entirely possible he will take off of you all again.....he has a history.....and it is entirely possible that your daughter will be sad when and if that event happens.....however, we are assuming facts not in evidence....don't assume...just be nice.....after all, your daughter will have to survive from a choice YOU made....the choice must not of been so bad then....you all had a child.....so the choice to parent with him ought to be palatible now. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:07:35 AM | Henry,
What are you talking about? How was I "mean"? I was merely stating what he is in contempt of, in case he showed up on my door step with police (which his brother did threaten me with) and say I was in contempt. I offered the supervised visitation and his brother laughed at me. If he wanted to go to court and protest that I wouldnt let him have his daughter without supervision right now, no way was a judge going to let him because of the fact he was in contempt of said instances. I wasnt trying to take pot shots at him, I was merely stating what he was supposed to do and didnt. We are both responsible to carry insurance on her. I do. I am responsible for the first 70% of medical costs after insurance and he is responsible for the other 30%. I have no idea where he is living, no phone number, nothing. He took off once, there is a good chance he will take off again.
Who referred to him as a "sperm donor"? We were married, he had an affair while I was pregnant with her and left. We got a divorce and that's when the child custody was determined, and all the other stuff (insurance, support, etc). He knew it. He was around the first two years of her life. When she was two, that's when he took off. Does that make a dad? If anything, he was the one who made himself just the sperm donor. He missed Father's Day, Christmases, birthdays... Want to know what he did his first Father's Day? He called me that Sunday to say he couldnt get her because he went to the bar the night before and was too tired to get her. It's this behavior that I am concerned with. He wants to be a dad, fine... will not stop it, but I will make damn sure I will do everything in my power to make sure he doesnt hurt her again. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:14:51 AM | | I'm betting he doesn't know your little girl well enough to hurt her as much as he has hurt you....take this where it belongs and let this play out in court...you know they wont allow this either...but is this really the place to air this all out??? One day you'll make peace and her parents will get along....don't allow a copy of your words posted here today to stop your daughter being able to enjoy future nice holidays with her family. ........and again....Hon, you picked him.....cut yourself some slack here....in time, he might come around to a better way of thinking about family and responsibility | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:17:25 AM | Henry,
when we were together he was a completely different person that what he was when he left. This was the last thing I ever expected from him. Personally, I think he got stage fright. He went from having no responsibilities to becoming newly married and a father. I honestly think he freaked. We were together 3 years, living together, engaged when I got pregnant. We moved the wedding date up because we both wanted to be married before the child was born.
So yes, it wasnt bad back then. He changed after the wedding. I cant illustrate it, you all would have to know him then and now. because you cant/dont you will just have to take my word for it. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:25:01 AM | | Pepsi....I set up a kinda gym thingee in my basement, and in it I have this 100 pound heavy bag and gloves......it's for punching.....10 minutes with this a day, smacking it, yelling at it, calling it names...( not when my kids were home or could hear me )....and I feel pretty damned good!.....Ohhh...and here's something I just learned...some say it's exercise too! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 10:26:26 AM | I agree with the moving into it slowly. I also agree with telling her right from the start that her father want's to see her and be part of her life.
You do as her mother get to voice your concern's and if there is a court order that is void and nill due to him being away then at this point you have the upper hand.
I dont know if I would do the bbq thing only because you dont want to do it with a lot of people around because then she will feel like she has to enjoy it. I would do it that the first few meetings be say at the park or your home with you around. Have it that he has to come 1-2 times per week for say 4 hours a day, not just a drop by for an hour. Then from there do another few weeks where he comes 1-2 times a day (depending on the distance of the 2 of you) where he takes her for a few hours during the day say for lunch or ice cream or what ever and then she comes home. And then work your way up to weekend visit's.
But also tell him if he can not stick to that then he can not have the vistation with her. When me and my ex went to court that is how we did our visitation agreement as he was not part of her life for the first 2 years (she is only going on 3 now). And with ours that it how it went and it was visit here for 5 weeks, then another 5 weeks where he took her out for a few hours without me being there, and then it went to 4 weeks of just one over night and then worked it's way into every second weekend for the full weekend.
And my daughter was still to young to understand what was going on, where your daughter is old enough to understand better that she is getting to know her father, but at the same time let her know that he may not be fully ready for all this and not to expect things to go smothly.
Goodluck | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:00:32 AM | | i spoke about the whole bbq thing because I felt it might be more comfortable for her to have everyone there she knows and her friends would be there. Just want to make it comfortable for her. I do, wholeheartedly, believe that the first few meetings should be in my home with me present. Then a few other meetings can be at a park or something, and then a few more "supervised visits" with me present. If things seem to be going well and she wants me to leave then I will. I will not leave her alone until she tells me herself she is fine with him on her own. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 11:13:38 AM |
I will not leave her alone until she tells me herself she is fine with him on her own.
Agreed. Make sure you listen to your child. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:20:49 PM | Pepsi76,
It's your choice what you want to do but I'll say you're making a very bad move by allowing him back in! Now, if you can't see that with your own eyes then you and your daughter could very, very well be in a world of hurt.
There are 10000 bad men reading your topic right now and absolutely loving it. You give them hope, inspiration to do harm to more women knowing those women will cave in to what ever stupid acts they committ while together and stupid measures they take to get back in after many years.
He has no rights to your daughter, NONE! After 1 year, it's called abondonment of the child and you should have the same mental awareness and guts to say NO to your ex. That's a priviledge and honor granted to you by the court system and if you choose to screw around with that because you believe "My daughter has a right to know her father and he has a right to know his daughter" then don't expect the courts to give you any favors when you realize you have screwed up even more by allowing him back in because the abandonment charge will be null and void!
You should have never gave your contact info to his brother, instead called the police and had him escorted off your property and had a police report for the courts. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:33:33 PM | | Klopper....you enjoying that beer and smoke?????..Didn't you have a Dad and a Mom??...Didn't you wanna see them...hang with 'em???...Get to know them??...In life we are dealt two parent cards and these are the ones we play with for the duration of our lives...no tossin' 'em back in for better parent cards. This little girl being bandied about here just may wish to know the man that made her....the same way you and I and her own parents know their Dads and Moms....good, bad or indifferent....the decision about parentage was made long ago and it is moot now. .......and for God's sake....if you are gonna give someone else advice.....it is spelled abandonment.....at least look the stupid word up in a dictionary! | |
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