| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:36:21 PM | If you're still going to do it then the supervised visits should only be arranged through the court system, not just through you, and for a full year. Be forewarned though that most of the time, the courts will only require maybe 2 or 3 months worth then the rest falls on you for being a 'crazy woman'. They are not be done in your home, only at a neutral place with a police officer or social worker present as a witness to see how the child behaves and how he reacts, the total picture, PLUS will run a full criminal and personal background check and drug test before any visitations are to be conducted! If you don't then he could place illegal drugs or stolen property on your property then come back and say where he saw them---bang---your ayss in the frying pan.
He's hurt your family for 5 years while doing god-knows-what so make the supervised visits a royal pain in the ayss for him to see if he is really, really up to making full amends and more otherwise don't waste another spit on him. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 12:45:23 PM | Henry Moon, if you think that you're going to rile me with your pathetic rant just like you have in other topics, like women who choose to have kids without a father, then you need to pick up your game 10-fold dude!
The child is only 7, has no clue what a father is nor this guy, so that's a moot point! For all the hard work that Pepsi76 has done, I would think she'd make sure the ex stayed moot so they didn't have drama or bad problems/issues for a new good man that could walk in her life tomorrow! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 1:07:10 PM | klooper:
Fisrt let me start with this:
It's your choice what you want to do but I'll say you're making a very bad move by allowing him back in
first of all you are right it is her choice on what to do, second of all it is ALWAYS a good thing to allow the child's father in her life so I dont know where you get off saying that it is a bad move. The only time it is a bad move is if there has been physical abuse to the CHILD. Which there has been none from what the OP has posted.
2nd:
You give them hope, inspiration to do harm to more women knowing those women will cave in to what ever stupid acts they committ while together and stupid measures they take to get back in after many years.
What harm is it doing to woman to have the father of their child back in their life? Ever think that maybe it would be good for the mother as well knowing that her daughter is happy having her father in her life, and maybe they can work together at raiseing this child that they BOTH share weather he is around or not.
3rd:
If you're still going to do it then the supervised visits should only be arranged through the court system, not just through you, and for a full year.
The court's would rather see the parent's work together on the visitation then take it to court (you must be one that runs to court for every little thing). The op would have a better chance at what she want's in court if she compermises with the ex and comes up with an agreement together to take to the court's to have finalized.
4th:
maybe 2 or 3 months worth then the rest falls on you for being a 'crazy woman'.
Oh so now wanting to have your child's father part of their life makes you a crazy woman? well in that case I am the head crazy one cause now me and my ex are back together after 2 years. OMG can you just think!
5th:
They are not be done in your home, only at a neutral place with a police officer or social worker present as a witness to see how the child behaves and how he reacts, the total picture, PLUS will run a full criminal and personal background check and drug test before any visitations are to be conducted
So here let's make the visit's a lot harder on the child because not only are they having to meet their father for the first time but let's have a cop or social worker hang around and let this 7 year old try to figure out why there is a police officer there for her visit with her father, that is enough alone to make him dislike him because then she is going to be scared trying to figure out why the cop is there.
My god is there no one out there with a brain? | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 1:52:27 PM | Really Nevah's mom....
I'd bet there are over 10 Million women who disagree with you that allowing a bad ex into their lives is ALWAYS a good thing.
What harm? Hell I don't know and neither does OP.....Geeeeeez girl, she hasn't even spoken to or met her ex yet. I'm just trying to give her advice based on the hundreds of lousy cases I had seen.
LOL...I got full custody of my son on my own seven years ago, haven't been back since. Do yourself a favor and realize the court system is here to protect the best interests of the mom and the child so take advantage of it otherwise THEY WILL call her a 'crazy woman'.
Well I haven't seen your profile but I'd guess you're too young to understand, probably 20-23, thus have no brain or clue as to how many women and children are devastated by allowing criminal ex's into their lives. The ex's brother is on his side and will be at the visitation too so if something wrong happens then it'll turn into he said/she said......need a totally unbaised witness. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 1:54:00 PM | | Mom that's not it...these are just kids...this guy is just being young and stupid and he made every bad choice possible.....but who hasn't??....everyone I ever knew has been that stupid.....they will grow out of it tho. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 2:04:37 PM | Fist of all I am 25 and sorry to tell you but yes I do have a brain and a clue and how to use them both. Age has nothing to do with it!
second of all, I am sure there are other woman out there who would agree with me because the thing is the only thing that would make me not allow my daughter's father into her life was if I knew he would hurt her physicaly! There is a diffrence maybe you just dont realize that because your such a bitter person and dont believe that people do change, or sorry are reading into this situation a lot more then you need to. Never once did the op say that she figured he would harm their child in any physical way, which mean's there is no reason not to allow the visit's. AND the court's will allow the visit's unless there is physical harm. Now if this guy was charged with abuse of a woman or child then my post would be diffrent.
I know the court's are here to protect the best intrest in the mom and the child, and guess what the court's are more going with joint custody with the parent's unless again there is a reason like physical harm which from what I am getting there is none. And just to inform you I did take advantage of it but I wasnt a cold harted **** about it, why? because I had the best interest of my daughter in my mind and because her father has never hurt her or me in any physical way then there was no reason not to allow him in her life.
And again age has nothing to do with this, I have been through enough in my life to know and my age has nothing to do with it thanks. Also the OP has not said that the es is a criminal person, again I think you are reading more into it then you should, or maybe the problem is that you are seeing things that are not there.
Anyways Op my advice to you is to speak with your ex regarding a visitation agreement that you both can work with. And then if he agree's and things are good with it between the 2 of you then have your lawyer and his lawyer look over it and finalize things so that your daughter can start to get to know her father and get to know the other half of her and her family. Again there is more reason's then one to allow her father into her life as long as he is no harm to her. Yes there is a chance that he may walk out again which will cause upset but at the same time that is what life is all about and we all bounce back. And your daughter will as well.
Good luck
oh and p.s K:
you look like a fool with your profile, in it you say your a woman but at the same time have pic's of a man on your profile. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 2:18:35 PM | | Ohhh...I'm sorry Mom....I thought that pic was of a Mom and her 20 something daughter....I didn't look.( or wear my readin' glasses ) ..sorry......and yes..age and experience has everything to do with this...you'll understand all of this later on. I'm not saying youth equates to stupid..I'm just saying I used to be where you are now | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 2:21:58 PM |
age and experience has everything to do with this...you'll understand all of this later on. I'm not saying youth equates to stupid..I'm just saying I used to be where you are now
well I am 25 and I do have the experience. And just where is it you think I am right now since you seem to think you know where I am right now? Please inform me on this? | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 2:46:45 PM | | We don't have similiar experience or perspectives now, Hon....so...to be fair...ask me that question 20 years from now | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 3:06:09 PM |
oh and p.s K:
you look like a fool with your profile, in it you say your a woman but at the same time have pic's of a man on your profile.
Okay, I was staying out of the firefight, but this? WTF is this supposed to mean? As far as I can tell, the guy's had the same profile for a while, listing him as a 39 y.o. man looking for a woman for long-term. Care to elaborate, Nevaeh's mom?
(Nevaeh? is that Heaven, backwards? Kind of like the opposite of Heaven? I must be dumb, or maybe just too old to understand, 'cause that doesn't make sense to me, either.) | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 3:09:22 PM | sorry when I looked at his profile it said woman seeking man, but now it say's the opposite.
Nevaeh? is that Heaven, backwards? Kind of like the opposite of Heaven? I must be dumb, or maybe just too old to understand, 'cause that doesn't make sense to me, either.)
Yes it is heaven backwards, and it mean's heaven when you look the name up. If you dont think it makes sense then that is fine with you but there are many out there that do understand what it means. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 3:58:49 PM | | All I can say to this is that a child does not NEED both biological parents to be happy and have a wonderful life, nor does every child feel they are lacking and missing something if the bio "father" is not in it. I would never want some guy whose only connection to a child is his sperm to reappear after 7 years and want to affect my child's life. Nor would I bend over backwards to ensure he was given an opportunity to do so - he is a stranger with absolutely no connection to my child, and after so long with a well established life and a happy well adjusted kid, why would I allow some strange man in our lives? It would have nothing to do with me, only my child, and as that child's sole parent I believe is my right to ensure her life remains unaffected without the influence of someone whose character was determined when he made a choice to leave. BTW, my daughter is almost 11 and could care less about a biological father - she loves the only life she knows, and does not feel she is missing anything. I am speaking on this issue of child abandonment, not other situations where fathers are denied access to their children though divorce or bitter custody battles where the father has WANTED to be in their child's life. I can't imagine some stranger re-entering our lives after all this time causing nothing but grief and confusion and disruption and court hearings and everything else. I know there are those who will disagree, but I don't care - I raised my daughter and I am her only parent. The OP shouldn't worry about this man disrupting her child's life as he will likely go away again when he realizes he has to PROVE himself - it won't be worth the effort to him. In the meantime, I would make sure however possible your child's life remains the same, happy and fulfilled, as it was sine he left - because of YOU. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 4:17:35 PM | | Uh, no. Renting would mean I used it for a short while and then was required to return it at the end of the term. It would seem one obviously connected as I now have an 11 year old LOL But if the penis who created that one sperm tried to come into our lives now after 11 years, I can guarantee we would not allow some stranger past the front door. One sperm and abandonment does not a "father" make. My daughter has ONE parent - me. And no connection to the man who made the sperm. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 5:05:06 PM | | But that's a sad thing........YOU had a Dad...so did your Ma .....so did your Dad too.....but your baby girl doesn't get one??? | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 5:19:36 PM | | Well my main concern if I were in your shoes would be, what will the effect be if he leaves your daughter AGAIN. Obviously his track record is not great. What if he sticks around for a few months then just leaves your daughter? You really don't want that heartache for her. But then again, what if he sincerely wants to be part of her life. It's really a tough no win situation. It's completely risky either way. I am guessing he owes you 5 years of back child support. This is what I would do. If he is legitimately serious about getting back into your daughters life, then he will have no problem going to the court, and having a visitation and child support order put into effect. Neither of you need a lawyer for this, it will be a hassle only if he is not serious. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 5:24:58 PM | | I don't think it's sad at all! Yes, I had a Dad because he wanted me. My daughter has me because I wanted her. We are a family of two. It's our life, and very happy and fulfilled :) It's no better or worse then a 2 parent household. I can't argue a life to you, it's ours and we love it as it is. Of course there are are other scenarios, I speak on this one. I don't think it's a sad situation, and we don't live as if not having a dad has somehow impeded our happiness or our lives, as it has made no difference as it just "is". There will be some who think a child is somehow not a complete person without both biological parents, but others who live in a different circumstance and see daily the result of a happy kid with one parent will disagree. If that person had wanted to be a father from the beginning, I certainly would not have purposely stopped that from happening, but the choice was made and we live as a mother and daughter and his regret or sense of entitlement a decade later will never change the life we have created for ourselves. He means nothing to her, he simply does not exist in her happy world. And that's ok. I read your posts and clearly see your viewpoint, but it doesn't apply to certain situations, such as mine. I can't see how a strange man can enter someone's life by force (or court order) and expect a child to benefit from that, solely because his sperm connected with an egg years before. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 8:34:50 PM | No, you may think you have a brain but you actually don't when you refuse to accept the reality. Age has EVERYTHING to do with life as it brings experience along with real world education through trying to achieving one's dreams but sometimes screwing it up in the process and learning the hard way to not do it again.
I'm not bitter, just cannot believe most of the crap that the women fall for on here then wonder why they are where they are in life besides if they should take the pieces of shyt back....just adding to an over docketed family court system like our prisons that are overcrowded too.
OH YES, the OP stated there was alot more harm done that wasn't physical so YOU need to read her posts because obviously you don't care about mental abuse. Tell you what, I'll bet you $10000.00 that the courts will NOT permit joint custody if there is abandonment of the child or mental abuse....care to put your money where your mouth is????
EX is not a criminal.....geeeeeez, OP stated his past criminal activity so open your eyes. WHY do women (such as you) wish to exist who stand up for males who cheat on their pregnant wives and leave them but take them back for 2 years only for him to leave for another 5 years then come back again through a brother who demands she does as he requests!
Ummmmmm, excuse me, it says I'm a man!!!!! OH I'm sorry, not the kind of man you like though....Whoooppeeee! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/12/2008 9:05:39 PM | Thanks Desertrhino....I've had the same profile since May of 2008, she's just making up more bull!
Hey, there is nothing I'd really like more for than for every good man and good woman on here to be with a special person for life and never be on -looking online-....our precious, great kids are our priority and we want the best of everything that we can provide for them but without our specials, it's 50/50 because it's so hard on our owns yet we continues to be one-hell- of- a- parent  to us.
Nobody has any idea if OP's ex is a father to another child and he and the female aren't working out so he wants his first HO back (I say HO because to him, she is one). | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:26:25 AM |
Age has EVERYTHING to do with life as it brings experience along with real world education through trying to achieving one's dreams but sometimes screwing it up in the process and learning the hard way to not do it again.
Well unless you know someone and what they have been through in life how can you sit there and say that they dont have the life experience, nor the world education? And only base it on age. The only thing I agree with that statement is the part where you say they learn the hard way not to do it again. But again that also doesnt have an age on it in my opionion.
just cannot believe most of the crap that the women fall for on here then wonder why they are where they are in life besides if they should take the pieces of shyt back....just adding to an over docketed family court system like our prisons that are overcrowded too.
Sorry to pop your little bubble but sometimes it is a good thing to bring the other person back into your life. Depending on the reason why the relationship broke down in the first place. There are some people out there who can GROW up and learn from the mistake and start again when it comes to the other parent.
OH YES, the OP stated there was alot more harm done that wasn't physical so YOU need to read her posts because obviously you don't care about mental abuse
Well again sorry to bust your bubble but I know the court's around here (as in canada) do not go on the emotional abuse and there is no such thing as abandoment here in canada (not sure where you are from). Also no I do care about emotional abuse but sometimes there is not much you can do to stop in. In that case if you dont want your child to have any emotional abuse then dont allow them to have friends, dont allow them to go to school, never allow them to have a bf/gf, never let them out of the house because all these things could cause emotional/mental abuse. Oh dear god we wouldnt want that to happen and our children grow up and learn life now would we? heaven forbid if we allowed all that to happen.
EX is not a criminal.....geeeeeez, OP stated his past criminal activity so open your eyes
I am sorry but the feeling I got about his "criminal" past happened when he was underage, and before he became a parent, not during her time with him, nor not after the child was born. There is a diffrence, the courts are not going to give a rat's behind what happened before the child was born UNLESS he spent time in jail and I did not see that in any post.
WHY do women (such as you) wish to exist who stand up for males who cheat on their pregnant wives and leave them but take them back for 2 years only for him to leave for another 5 years then come back again through a brother who demands she does as he requests!
I am not standing up for him cheating on her well pregnant, I agree that is wrong. But that has nothing to do with the child, that is between him and her and you can bring things that have to do with mommy and daddy down to the child, it is not the child's fault that the relationship ended. The child has every right to know her father, and by not allowing him into her life I am sorry but that is not your place to do unless their is (can you read this?) PHYSICAL abuse (as in hitting her or beating her or anything along that lines).
Every child deserves to know their father, every child deserves to know their other family from the other parent's side, every child deserves to know their background, every child deserves to know their medical history on the other family's side (and trust me this is a big one because you will never know unless you get to know the other family).
And guess what That is all MY opionion. You dont have to like it nor agree with it, but that is my feelings just like you have your own Klopper. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:40:49 AM | Klopper,
"Nobody has any idea if OP's ex is a father to another child and he and the female aren't working out so he wants his first HO back (I say HO because to him, she is one). "
Did you just call me a "HO". When will you learn. To clarify for you again, I didnt have random sex and got "knocked up". He was my HUSBAND. When he had the affair and left me, i DID NOT take him back. I dont see how that qualifies me as a HO to him. He was around for the first two years of her life and then he vanished. When I say he was around, I mean he came to the house and saw her. A few times he took her for overnights or left with her for a few hours and came back. But, again, he kept cancelling. He has never really been in her life. However, she did know him, back then, as dad. Now she may recognize him and she may not. I DO believe people can change. Maybe he has and I sure hope so. However, I told his brother I wanted to meet with him first, without our daughter. I want a chance to find out for myself if he is dead serious about being a dad before allowing him to come back in her life. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:52:55 AM | Nevaeh,
Thank you. I do believe every child has a right to know their bio parents. She may meet him and decide he's a piece of crap. Or they may meet and she thinks he's wonderful. It's her decision. Only she can form it. My personal feelings do not matter and I would never pass down my own feelings of him to her. She will make up her own mind. She was two when he left and I dont think she could form a opinion of him in that short of time. Up to now, she doesnt remember him or her brief time with him.Whenever she would ask where he was I would honestly tell her I dont know. Maybe he is so full of guilt that he wants to make things right. I honestly dont know why he chose to come back now. I wont have my answers until I talk to him myself. I do understand why he sent his brother instead of coming himself, however I do think it was a cowardly thing to do.
She is not lacking for positive male role models. My brothers have been great with her and she has my dad. She has my male friends who do things with her. Hell, just last night Corey and I helped her learn to ride her bike. She is not lacking in positive people in her life. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:02:21 AM | I realize your little gal is only 7, Pepsi, but have you talked to HER about what is likely going to be happening? I know alot of people would disagree with me on this one, but I feel it's important to talk openly and honestly with her, and prepare her ... prepare her for her biological father entering your lives, but also preparing her for the possibility that he may or may not stay in her life. (Kinda like you would warn a child not to get too attached to a puppy you are babysitting for someone...)
I think partly what made my daughter so strong was the fact that she had positive male role models in her life too... mainly her uncle and her grandfather. Hopefully your girl doesn't get too caught up in the "daddy" fantasy and remembers who the stable, loving men in her life are.
Best of luck to you and your girl. I really hope the s.o.b. doesn't hurt her in any way. | |
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