| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/15/2008 2:23:40 PM | I dunno. I never touched your b*tt! You can't blame me. I will categorically deny ever having even SEEN your b*tt. I won't even volunteer to do the cavity search to determine exactly why your b*tt hurts. I don't even wanna KNOW your b*tt hurting... or my mother's BMs. But y'all just HAD to share, didn't ya?! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/15/2008 5:31:44 PM | I can understand your angry at him but you forget one thing.. this isnt about YOU or your ex-partner its about your child and what is best for her.
I can never understand why people get their knickers in such a tight knot over an ex wanting involvement in their children's lives, (unless there was sexual, physical or mental abuse of the child of course.)
Children are resilient and they learn to negotiate relationships by being exposed to various forms of lifestyles and relationships. By denying the existence of a father no matter his faults is denying part of her identity and she will either go seeking him later in life or may seek a father figure in her adult relationships because she missed out on this experience as a child.
Is there a reason you don't talk about her father with her? Does she have pictures of him? Is she aware she has a father who hasn't been able to have contact with her for personal reasons which HE should explain to her? ( not be given the hearsay version of events)
Its good to be cautious and protective but its not wise to close doors. Seek some professional advice from parenting organisations or the Child and Family Health unit or where ever you feel comfortable and they may broker a meeting for you as well.
Kids are not tools, objects to extract financial support and they are not weapons they are an expression of two people sharing something incredibly empowering and intimate in making and raring a child/ren. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/16/2008 12:03:04 PM | | Wow your post hit me like a ton of bricks let me explain my mother never would allow my father to see me .My bio dad was alcoholic and occasionally a drug user although he wasn't the best thing I had going for me she (my mother) decided she didn't want him in my life permanantly .I can only tell you the yelling I heard and how many times he would find us (in whatever city she moved to) and she would uproot us and move miles away .She'd yell and scream into the phone all hours of the night telling him to mind his own business and he wasn't allowed to see me and so on.Well as a grown adult today I don't get along with my bio dad (his and my life led two different styles and I made the choice at 22)I went through the pain of having other kids tell me the man she married wasn't my dad (we didn't look a thing alike) and then fathers day was awkward in grade school .I agree totally that you should phase him in but I want to shout out that even though he may be a bum and worthless and have problems more than most don't completely cut him out of her life.I have resentment towards my mother to this day for the choices she made for me by excluding him out of my life so its something I can't get over and won't go away .I work on forgiveness each day but at 38 I can still close my eyes and hear her yelling at him or his family for something so dumb as wanting to spend time with me.My father graduated from Berkley but took a job when I was five pumping gas just so he could see me walk to school everyday (he never spoke to me) just watch me pass by and when my mom found out she moved us about 4 hrs away.Sad huh | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/16/2008 12:26:32 PM | Pepsi, your concerns are valid and of course, you should meet with him and find out if he seems sincere before saying anything to your daughter.
This b.s. about a court order is just that because people should not need a court order to do what is right. While she cannot guarantee that facilitating a reconciliation will ultimately turn into a modern episode of Father Knows Best, to prevent it is doing a disservice to the child. They have a right to know their parent (barring physical danger or a true friggign psycho) good or bad and ultimately make their own decisions about the parent.
If he is serious, all that failing to talk to him and try to make things work out civilly will accomplish is nothing, he can go to court and have his parental rights enforced because despite the fact that many people feel he forfeited them with his absence, the courts do not and reasonable people who really care about their children do not. A missing parent is a hole that never goes away no matter how many other people one tries to fill it up with.
The hole doesn't make anyone an emotional cripple but if there is a chance for dad to be a positive part of her daughter's life, she would be a fool and selfish to turn her back on that, no matter how afraid she is of how this is going to turn out. Another scenario is that he winds up trying to meet the daughter without going through mom, showing up at school or somewhere else to scare the shit out of the kid, yeah, that would be a better path to take.
You should also prepare her for the potential that he should not stick around. I believe she is five, so you tell her to just not worry about things and enjoy the time she spends with her dad, and that if he moves or something, it will not have anything to do with her and that her uncle.....are still here for you just as mommy is. Parenting often requires courage, a part of which is giving your children room to be hurt and being there to show them positive ways to deal with their feelings. Otherwise they are in an artificually insulated bubble and really don't learn how to live joyfully because they are too busy trying to avoid pain. The alternative is letting them fall and get up on their own which they can do because they know you are there to fall back on.
We cannot protect our children from pain and really trying to prevent all pain is a bad thing because they do not build the skills to deal with adversity. I was so mad at my X a while back when my daughter had to stand up to him for something he said or did, I don't even remember now. It was Jerry Springer level crap, but one of her teachers shocked the hell out of me.
I always thought that the woman was married, she just projected that total calm that everything was going smoothly in your life, and I assumed that she was part of a two-parent at least relatively happy family. I found out that her X was a nightmare, actually tried to steal an insurance check that she needed to reminburse a friend who had loaned her money to have ankle surgery her son needed to ensure that he would not be maimed for life from an injury. That he was verbally abusive, etc. and that while I wished my daughter had not gone through those things, her behavior illustrated that she had learned some valuable lessons from her father like finding her self-worth elsewhere and learning to stick up for herself.
It's not remotely the same thing but it hurts my kids terribly that their father does not support them at sporting events, concerts, school functions, the list is endless of the things he has missed in their lives. I tell them, I am here, we are here for each other and always will be, and we can just hope that your dad gets it before you are gone. It's honest, it allows them to have some type of positive view of their father, and also allows them to go about their business whether he is there or not.
And just another thought, there are a lot of people that will say that dad in and out of the kids life is bad, which it is, but legally, you cannot prevent that contact and it is not much different from this scenario. The X that is an emotional nightmare that for whatever reason, is an okay parent at times but quite frequently is just a mess that the kids sometimes would rather not be around despite the fact that they love and miss their other parent. You can tell them you need to get it together and be more consistent but again, do you really have the right to tell them they cannot see their children? The courts can enforce visitation so the only thing the other parent has no matter what the situation is is trying to teach the kids how to live with it. Being consistent themselves and helping the children to put the parent in a perspective that is not damaging. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 106 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 7:44:47 AM | Henry...
I never called her a HO, I said that her ex views her as a HO....slept around on her while she was pregnant, big difference. She is a pretty and good woman who needs to dump it and move on with her life.
All I'm reading is alot of people saying to give the fuked up ex another chance which speaks volumes for their morals and ethics! He took the VOW and dishonored it on his wife and daughter in the worst way so he needs to be dishonored for life YET you all are giving him rotten ayss excuses like Hey, he could have changed, grown up, yada, yada.....which is why there are so many damaged families out there.
Ahhhh, forget it,....it's like you all say, it's her choice and just another child, big deal, right  | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 107 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 8:03:34 AM | QUOTE "Visitation and parental rights are two totally different things, moron. At worst your advice could result in loss of custody. Unless a parent has endangered or physically injured a child I cannot imagine totally denying one some type of access to their child. But if you don't "value" the parent-child relationship I doubt you could value much else. Lecture someone who values your f***ed up ideals. "
WHy is it when a man used to be a court attorney that everybody else thinks they know better
Parental custody chooses the rights which chooses the visitation, moron! The daughter has no clue who her sperm donor is so there is NO parent-child relationship so where in the hell is all this visitation rights babble coming from?????.....get a brain!!! No wonder why you women are still single, you need to place far more importance on real values, principals, and knowledge to void this crap. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 11:17:42 AM | | Klop...look man, I hear ya barkin' there.....BUT.....the die has been cast here! Mommy and Daddy have been chosen....so to speak....no do-overs here!...There is NO point in keeping a kid from their Dad or Mom, in fact it's downright immoral and cruel! What sense does it make now to rag about who the father is???...or what the mother did, or didn't do??...we all do stupid s*hit we wish we might not of in hindsight.....Big Deal! I knew my Dad and Mom....so did you...so did the OP....so did most of us....good, bad or indifferent, we all get TWO parent "cards" in life.....and we are NOT allowed to "toss them cards back to the dealer for possible better "parent cards"! And it is always possible that...as time goes by...people will mature and change...besides YOU don't have to sleep with the guy..... ....the OP did...and I imagine that part of the story is written in the language of "Oh poor me"....but that doesn't matter either, she is a young kid with a h*ell of a lot on her young plate, and she is going to deal with it as best she can.....just like all of us do. The child seems to be in fine hands with a loving family around and lots of loving male role models taking Dad's place until he pulls his head out of his a*ss and "man's up"! So cut her some slack...she seems to be doing a lot better than most! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 12:22:21 PM | Klopper, if your claim about "used to be a court attorney" isn't a complete and utter falsehood, I can certainly understand the "used to" part cuz you don't know your a** from a hole in the ground and it is obvious that you know nothing about familial law... while I have 15 years of work experience within the family court system.
"Parental custody" does NOT choose "rights which chooses visitation." Not only is that a crock of sh**, it isn't even legal terminology. Good luck with that law degree from the CrackerJacks box. While either party may make a motion and the court may grant limited or supervised visitation while children are quite young, every parent has rights (unless those are terminated or voluntarily surrendered (by petitioning for such and not simply absenting one's self from he child's life altho such an absence pretty much insuress the custodial parent will be able to get a request to terminate the other parent's rights granted). Regardless of what visitation schedule may or may not exist, parents have a right to have reasonable access to a biological/adopted child who no longer (or possibly never did) reside in their domicile. Custodial parents who deny the non-custodian (or joint custodian) access to the child(ren) run a very real risk of losing custody in contempt proceedings. THAT is the law. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 12:39:48 PM | Klopper,
you poor pitiful excuse for a man. I feel sorry for the women you date. I think you are just a stupid prick who likes to stir up drama.
He is not coming back into my life because he wants me back, he wants to see his daughter. I WILL NOT take him back, he will not ever do me wrong again. However, the matter at hand, is whether or not to let him into my daughter's life again. She is the one who could get hurt. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 12:59:52 PM | Klopper,
in an earlier post I called you a stupid prick. Now, after finishing reading a few more of your posts I am reserved to the fact that you know shit about me or my situation. You are only go by what you have "seen". I guess, unlike you, I have faith in the human race and I do full heartedly believe people can change. And also, in another thread, you did call me a "Ho". You must love that word because you use it ALL THE TIME.
Has my ex changed? I dont know. I havent talked to him in 6 years. And before I let him see his daughter, I will be talking to him first so I can make an assessment. The only thing on my mind is my daughter. She doesnt know what its like to have a father who flakes, but she knows what it's like to not have a father. I have been very careful as to not say anything bad about her dad in front of her and yes, I did have pictures of him that I kept in a lock box until she was older or asked about her dad. Sadly, my lock box was stolen so I no longer have any pictures. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 2:24:20 PM | Klopper:
I also agree that your being an attorney is BS in my eyes. I am sorry but if you were an attorney at any point then you would know a thing or 2 about family law and you don’t.
But then again what type of Attorney were you? As if you were an attorney you would know that there are many different types of attorney’s. I mean you can not be an attorney in real estate and work family law (but if you were an attorney you would know that) and you would also know if you were an attorney that not all laws are the same in different places.
For example I can tell you some of the laws here in Canada (as I do have law under my belt and can back it up by showing you my diploma). And in Canada father's have right's no matter what, even if the mother were to give the child up for adoption the father still has right's to his children. If the mother were to sign custody over to the CAS the father has right's. And guess what those rights have NOTHING to do with the visitation. The courts are the ones who would decide on the visitation of the child.
So please enlighten us with your "attorney" knowledge and tell us just what type of attorney you were and what you practiced in and where.
In Canada even if the mother does not want the child around the father she has no right to say unless there is physical abuse or harm brought to the child. So in the op's case even though the father has been gone for so long here in Canada he would still have right's to see his child in the eyes of the law unless he had harmed her physically.
So Klopper you sit there and call us morons when in reality you are the only moron here. Why not go back to law school or take another law class and update yourself on the laws of everywhere before telling us what you don’t seem to know. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 2:26:37 PM |
What specifically isn't so, Moon?
I think he's saying (based on prior posts) that his ex has denied visitation and this hasn't been followed by a loss of custody.
But that's just my immediate impression. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 2:43:22 PM | | thanks rhino.....but my ex is in absolutely no danger of losing custody for no access to the children.....my lawyer here said that all she ( my ex ) needs to do to NOT be in contempt is to allow me to see the kids for one hour each month....and were she to lie to the Judge and tell him I got an hour a month, then I have to prove I didn't....and how am I going to prove that??? ( that is the lawyer speaking ).....Windy, I wish things were fair, but Nebraska is a father hating state. They even ran a series of articles in the newspaper over the state having father hating issues....they concluded things are getting better....... .......Oh | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 2:57:20 PM | Where is that thread, Moon? If I can address your issues there we won't be in danger of hijacking here.
Off the top of my head it sounds like the custody and visitation plan wasn't set out very succinctly in your decree. If the decreee says you get the kids every other weekend and she doesn't comply with that, it IS contempt of court. Of course, you have to ante up and haul her to court... and it ain't cheap. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 119 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 3:02:38 PM | I hear ya Henry
She is doing a good job and I've told her that. Yes, she can choose a better dad for her daughter but she chooses not too so......moot!!
She just needs to quit standing up and being attentive everytime he or somebody else in the family makes a nudge..........he doesn't give a shyt and is just laughing his rear off again and again. She posted about her ex and another boyfriend in another thread and was a total 180 of a good woman about it which is why I called her a HO in that thread. Sometimes I'm a ayss, prick, fukhead, etc because of the situations I read or am in but I don't make any qualms against those who call me one because I am.....they just know better than to start shyt with me. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 120 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 3:18:51 PM | It doesn't work that way in KY either SnotAyss.....come to think of it, in no other US state either unless the laws have drastically changed which I don't see why they would have.
Parental custody is the same as Primary custody so you say that's not a legal term and that primary does not decide yea or nay to any visitation??....you're full of BS! Abandonment of a child is done through no contact for certain length of time whether it's 6 months or a year and terminates any custody until that party can convince the court that their reasons are justified......and in this case being it is a man who did what he did and then abandoned the child for several years, I give him 0 chance of that. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 3:23:03 PM | | I think it's important to acknowledge that there is never a one size fits all approach here. If a couple were married then divorced and the CP was doing everything in their power to not let a man who was an active father pre-divorce into their childrens' life, this is quite different then a man who left while the mother was pregnant and didn't have any contact for 10 years then showed up. My view remains the same that after a certain length of time, it's not fair the child's life is completely disrupted because someone "changed their mind". The benefits are small and the emotional ramifications as a result of completely altering the child's life - the only one they have known - is wrong to me. I speak from personal experience that just because someone assisted in the initial creation creation of a child does not mean in any respect a court will automatically grant them "rights" after a lengthy absence (I live in Canada). The interests of the child are paramount, and if a man returned after a decade seeking to establish a relationship with the child and that child was overcome with stress and difficulties as a result, I doubt any access would be granted. This opinion works for a mother OR a father who essentially abandoned their parental responsibility years before, not just a father. I would ensure it went through every court level possible as the onus is on the absent parent to convince a court how by their re-establishing contact would benefit the CHILD, because I would not allow such a thing to happen and would want to ensure professionals and evaluators were brought in to make sure my child was capable of handling the sea change, distress and confusion that would result in such an action. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 122 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 3:28:47 PM | That's fine that you think of me that way Pepsi.......I hate drama but every person who posts a thread on this site has drama so you ask us for help, which I was. Don't like it, don't ask! I've met tons of women like you before and it's always the same ole shyt which I am trying to help you avoid it.
Your daughter is your life or should be thus everything you allow him to do will change and affect you and your family's life. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 123 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 3:37:23 PM | Pepsi,
"seen"...I haven't seen anything, just going by what I've read. "Faith in the human race"...if you call your ex a human being then I feel real sorry for you, guess that's why you allow his negativity to continue on. Yes, I did call you a HO because from the way you expressed your sexual actions against your ex and another boyfriend, you deserved it.....totally unlike how you've expressed yourself on this thread (puzzling). | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 124 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 3:57:37 PM | Nevaeh,
Diploma??? Ahem, this isn't high school so for anybody who went through all of the monies and enormous studying involved to get a prestigeous law degree then they would have most certainly stated.......Degree!
I practiced in Lou Ky so that I could get full custody of my son....away from my lousy aysss partying ex and made sure she would have to go through hell to even get supervised vistitation. She hasn't even tried and I am very happy she hasn't because nobody likes drama and I wanted clear sailing for anybody new that I met. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 8/18/2008 4:03:24 PM | Windy....I know it aint cheap....I've spent the coins already and my lawyer already addressed my issues here....I even told my story to the newspapers...lol....waste of time and cash...all of it....Oh Well.
Amore...you are just ...I dunno what....but every night when I say my prayers, I say an extra one for my ex..and I ask that her heart grow...just enough to be able to have more in it besides herself ...maybe our daughters too....I'll start putting YOU in that prayer too.....Good Luck
Klop.....Man, you are flip flopping on the "did I call her a Ho...did I call her actions HOish" issue.....either way you meant it, that's someones Mom....that's cold Man | |
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