| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:14:27 AM | Wow! Let the healing begin.
I suggest you put on your best smile, provide a nice lunch for all three of you and see what happens. In the meantime, make sure the baby steps are still taken. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:36:08 AM | Ref msg 145 and followed ones.
It's been said that all stories have three sides: the one, the other and the truth.
I don't questioning your and I would give him the benefit of the doubts. What he said makes sense.
There is a step, not sure which one, of the twelve program from AA regarding something about to amend or to fix problems/harms made to others.
He is in recovering and 2 yrs of sobriety very well may put him in that stage of acceptance of reality and readiness correction of previous mistakes.
I assume, because your previous relationship, you know him including, not limited to the good, but to see also the worst because his alcohol addiction.
Personally, I would trust more in an alcoholic in recovering than in the one who is not socially recognized as such but still act, behave and live like one without going to meetings.
I'm sure he knows better than you, the concept and meaning about one day at a time, one step at a time and I suggest you try that approach instead to think in lack of interest or indecision.
As long you feel sure he's intention is no harm, but amendment, I'd say go for it even if you take necessary provisions to garanteee the peace of mind of your concerns.
Do not tell your daugther about his whereaboutsm, just say "I don't know, ask him'. Let him to handle that. They have to know each other again and what you might say, even as prevention, protection, preparation... is assumption and may be contradictory.
If he is honest, and the programm requiered that, he will tell the truth when the moment is right and, incidentally, it will be a reference for you about the trust which might be regained from you and her toward him.
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/3/2008 10:16:27 AM | | i dont know if he just quit drinking cold turkey, found something else to replace the addiction, or if he did go to AA. I dont know. The way he talked he works 16 hour days, 6 days a week and he just doesnt have time to drink or what. I really dont know. I have only talked to him twice since this whole thing got started. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/3/2008 12:07:26 PM | Aceppting as the most important his present sobriety and willingness to be involved in her daughter's life, it will be a legit question you may directly ask him about it.
While the risk of relapse it will be always present for the rest of his life is certainly proved greatly the reduction of that chance, is worked through AA.
It's a consideration I'd would keep in mind and will try to explain to avoid a future disapointment in your daugther as a latent risk of abandon toward her new emotional attention and/or the expectations she may have towards him.
Never intended as to hurt his feelings or recrimination about the past is just a valid concern, understandable, regarding the non-negotiable position of your that he is all the way in or all the way out. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/6/2008 5:40:12 PM | UPDATE!!!
My ex came to the house today. He stayed 4 hours!! At first, it was a little awkward, but she finally started to warm up to him and him to her. We (me and the ex) had a pleasant conversation and we got along great. I would leave them alone here and there (if they were inside i went outside) I had them take a walk around the block, she rode her bike, she showed him her room, they played outside, they played games. It was fantastic. He is going to call her through the week and already made plans to come to the house next Saturday and then next Sunday he wants us to go to the stables where he works so she can ride the horses. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/6/2008 5:57:37 PM |
My ex came to the house today. He stayed 4 hours!! At first, it was a little awkward, but she finally started to warm up to him and him to her. We (me and the ex) had a pleasant conversation and we got along great. I would leave them alone here and there (if they were inside i went outside) I had them take a walk around the block, she rode her bike, she showed him her room, they played outside, they played games. It was fantastic. He is going to call her through the week and already made plans to come to the house next Saturday and then next Sunday he wants us to go to the stables where he works so she can ride the horses.
That's GREAT - congratulations! A daughter needs a good father in her life and it sounds like maybe he finally figured that out.
I wish you all much success.  | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/7/2008 4:14:59 AM | congratulations Pepsi. I actually read most of the 7 pages here and i was so happy to hear it worked out well for you. good luck!  | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/7/2008 6:36:32 AM | | Well, Pepsi ... I have to admit that I am surprised - but pleasantly surprised at what's happening. The situation seems to be turning out good, and I hope it continues to go great for all of you! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/7/2008 7:08:41 AM | I am so happy to hear that things have gone good for all involved!
Now that he see's what it is like to have his daughter around he may realize what he needs to really do to be a full dad to his little girl, and your little girl now has her dad part of her life (I hope it stays that way). And it is also good for you because in the end you can get some time to yourself and know your daughter is having fun with her daddy. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/8/2008 9:08:15 AM | | i was really excited that things went along so well. before he left, he made plans to meet me at her eye appointment on Saturday and he wants us to come to the Stables where he works. It's a little early to know how things will pan out. But I feel this will be a positive thing for her and that he wont leave her again. I just pray that we can co-parent effectively together and we will become friends and get along for her. | |
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TBLZ
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Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 162 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/9/2008 12:16:52 AM | I really hope everything works out well.
It will be positive for her and you....
I think you both will do fine, you have gotten this far so fast...!  | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/9/2008 6:17:32 AM | Thanks everyone. I appreciate everyone's comments and well wishes. He called her last night and again this morning. He is trying.
When we work up to it to the first time he takes her out of my presence, I will be a nervous wreck However, I know he would never intentionally hurt her and it was actually enjoyable for me to see them interact together. My only concern now is how will his girlfriend treat my daughter. I know I am prolly just being paranoid, but he met this girl about a month before he left for good and she has been there this whole time. Did she ever try to talk to him about seeing his daughter? How could she just sit by and be with a man who abandoned his kid? Will she love my daughter or treat her like shit? | |
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Deni31
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Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 165 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/9/2008 4:24:33 PM | I believe in some states you can file abandonment charges after 3 years.
The very same thing happened to me but after 9 years. My son was old enough that I could talk to him about it. After communicating with his Bio-dad for several weeks, I felt comfortable enough with his intentions and together we decided to let my son set the pace and tone. It has gone surprisingly well. Granted- they only have phone contact- but the point is, it has been a positive experience. I wish you the best. | |
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| Sometimes you have more to gain than to lose.......
Posted: 9/10/2008 3:56:05 PM | | I think sometimes you have more to lose than to gain...........and when it comes to your children...........there's so much more to lose. I'm glad things are going well. He has a job and no matter what the girlfriend is like, there's not much you can do about a third party, but your daughter is old enough to tell you what's going on.....so that's good. At least he's not single, it's better for a man to have a woman in most cases and for the most part. I've dated women who's ex just lived for giving her hell and brainwashing the kids.......Your ex sounds civil and it's never too late to be a Father.......I've still been waiting for mine to be one, he left when I was 5 years old, I am 41........my son is 7 years old and I have been the best Father I can be these past 7 years, partly based on what I know I missed out on as a child and God is my witness I will never leave his side. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/11/2008 1:47:35 PM | It makes me sick the way the OP is so milquetoast about this.
Tell him NO, have him take you to court if he is serious, NOTHING you think you are discussing with him and getting his "word" on means squat, look at his track record.
Now, he will not follow through even a court document, which should be designed to minimize this redflag master's effect on the girls life, he's creepy and you allowing him to take her anywhere alone is crazy, and you worrying about getting into trouble for not leting him see her is the LAST thing you should be thinking about.
You need to put the legal burden on him and he'll disappear,, and you need counseling for entertaining all thiese foolish harmful notions.
I told him supervised visits and he had to promise to stay in her life and not take off on her again.
You told him this and that, you are writing a fairytale. Grow up. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/11/2008 3:18:22 PM | Wow, for someone named mzwunderful you sound a little angry/bitter.
I agree OP needs to be VERY careful, and she should get ALL the facts about his last 6 yrs, as to what he was doing, how he stopped drinking, etc. She needs all the info before deciding how much contact her daughter and ex should have.
BUT, this is the girls FATHER! Unless he has physically or emotionally harmed her (besides the abandonment) EVERY child deserves to have 2 parents! That bond can never be broken or replaced, so the child has to be given every opportunity to create that relationship. I hate deadbeat parents and those that leave, but if they want to make an honest effort, they have to be allowed.
No matter what happened between the parents its NOT about them. Its about the child. I had to swallow a LOT of anger and pain to be civil and friendly with my ex. I could have made her life miserable and created an enemy for life. I would have felt 'better' for repaying her, but who would it hurt?? Our kids, thats who. They would feel the tension and know that Mommy and Daddy hate each other. I couldn't do that to them and the OP, while being cautious, needs to ONLY think about the benefits her daughter will have if she is loved by both parents. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/11/2008 3:38:44 PM |
It makes me sick the way the OP is so milquetoast about this.
Tell him NO, have him take you to court if he is serious, NOTHING you think you are discussing with him and getting his "word" on means squat, look at his track record.
Now, he will not follow through even a court document, which should be designed to minimize this redflag master's effect on the girls life, he's creepy and you allowing him to take her anywhere alone is crazy, and you worrying about getting into trouble for not leting him see her is the LAST thing you should be thinking about.
You need to put the legal burden on him and he'll disappear,, and you need counseling for entertaining all thiese foolish harmful notions.
I told him supervised visits and he had to promise to stay in her life and not take off on her again.
You told him this and that, you are writing a fairytale. Grow up.
Speaking of red flags... | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/11/2008 7:45:50 PM | | Since this man is a total stranger to your daughter, I would suggest that you let them talk on the phone first and let your daughter decide when she is comfortable meeting him. As long as you show that you are willing to phase him back in her life, he shouldn't throw a temper tantrum and show up at your door demanding immediate overnight visitation. If he does, have a plan in place. Make sure you keep your daughter from seeing any fights between her father and yourself or else she will view him as someone scary that she can't trust. Have a family friend on standby in case you need to send your child somewhere else for a few hours. There are so many deadbeat dads out there.... give him the benefit of the doubt and a chance to make up for the past. Who knows, he may be a wonderful addition to your child's life. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 171 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/12/2008 8:26:45 AM | OK,
newblue1970, """""BUT, this is the girls FATHER! Unless he has physically or emotionally harmed her (besides the abandonment) EVERY child deserves to have 2 parents! That bond can never be broken or replaced, so the child has to be given every opportunity to create that relationship. I hate deadbeat parents and those that leave, but if they want to make an honest efforst then then have to be allowed "
You sound like her ex since you "prefer not to say"!!!! | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 172 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/12/2008 8:42:46 AM | QUOTE "How could she just sit by and be with a man who abandoned his kid?
You just don't get it. She's probably thinking the same thing about you....how can a mom who's accused her ex of so many bad things, allow the daughter to be with her bad lost father so quickly and often after 5 years?.... Obviously, my man's reasons are right. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/12/2008 8:45:06 AM | mzwonderful,
yea, you sound anything but. you sound like a very bitter and angry lady and i hope whatever happened in your life you will get therapy and handle it.
I WILL NOT let him take her out of my presense until a relationship has been established. They talk everyday on the phone, they saw each other last saturday and he is supposed to see her this saturday too. I will always be cautious and have my daughter's best interest at heart. I will always try to make the best decisions when it comes to her and her well being.
What good would come of taking him to court? Just money spent. If he has truly grown up and wants to repent for his previous actions and make it up to her, why should I say no. Unlike you, I have faith in the human race and I do truly believe people can change. I am an optimistic and you must be a pessimistic. I dont leave them alone, i dont leave the premisis. I am able to see how they interact with each other and able to witness how sincere he really is. Will I let him take her this Saturday? No, I wont. Not enough time has been spent with each other. And he is not fighting me on this. If he chose to fight me on this and if he just expected to show up and "claim" her then hell yes, i would tell him to get off my property and take me to court. However, he chose not to do this. He has been nothing but respectful of my wishes, and he has never demanded to take her.
Oh, I am not trying to create a fairytale. Just trying to have the best possible atmosphere for my daughter. I grew up in a home of divorced parents, who were always at each other's throats and always fighting, in and out of court, and it was torture. I absolutely will not raise my daughter that way. However, I wont be a pushover either. I will always defend my daughter and her best interest. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/12/2008 1:27:27 PM | You are not showing concern for your daughter in my opinion, you are showing that you are unreasonable. It does not matter who showed up at your house or if they went about things the right way or wronge way, he took the first step and that is all that matters. Your child needs to know her father loves her for her own mental and emotional well being. It does not matter what YOU think or what YOU like. All that matters is your child.
Supervised visitiaton that is phased in is not unreasonable given his history. But it should not be with you. That is absolutely unnecessary. Your child does not need to witness what is obviously unreasonable and alienating behavior. Why does your child think her daddy doesn't love her or want to see her? Obviously you are encouraging this belief in her or she would not have it. And this is not healthy for her.
I have seven year old daughter who's father really HAS abandoned her. He has never made any contact since she was three. YOUR childs father loves her and wants to be in her life, stop punishing him because he became sick- and addiction is a disease just like cancer, and stop emotionally abusing your daughter because you are angry with him. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/12/2008 1:38:46 PM | joann,
how am i punishing him??? He asked to come to my house. He didnt want to take her out of her environment. How should he see her, in her home where she is most comfortable or in a room with not one but two strangers? Which would be better? IMO, it is better that the reconciliation takes place where she is most comfortable and I would have to think it would be in her own home.
How am I not protecting my child? I have never said anything negative in front of her about her dad. She asked me if her daddy loved her since he wasnt around? I have never encouraged her to think this. How dare you think that!! I assured her he did LOVE her, and as to why he wasnt around that would be better answered by him.
He and I had a good friendship before he left, and we have managed to be on good terms now. We have never brought up the past, all that we care about is our daughter and concentrating on her and concentrating on the future.
EDIT: I am not angry with him. And as far as he took the first step, yes he did call me first. As for his brother coming over, how do you know it wasnt the brother who wanted the reconciliation and my ex had no feelings about it? How do you know that it was not out of his brother prodding him to reconcile with his daughter? Believe me, you do not know the brother or my ex. I understand you are only going by what I have said and you dont personally know anyone in this. | |
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