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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/15/2008 11:02:29 AM | Joanne,
I understand your concern on whether or not I should supervise the visits. There is no tension between me and her dad. I dealt with my issue with him a long time ago. There was nothing stopping the visitation before, but him. He was the only one who stopped it. He just didnt show up one day. We had gone by the guidelines and when she was 6 months old, he got to take her for a few hours, although 9 times out of 10 he didnt. When she was 1 year old, he took her for one over night visit. That was the guidelines, thats what the judge ordered. He never took part in it. I didnt stop him from taking her on his visits. He just one day stopped coming. I tried calling but his phone was disconnected.
As far as me being there for the visits, I felt it best for HER. She didnt need to be left with 2 complete strangers. I felt she would do better if I was there. I figured she would be more like herself if the only parent she has ever known was there. He is her dad and I will not take that away from him, however he was a stranger to her. I was trying to do what I thought was in her best interest. And as far as asking her what she wanted (which I believed you asked me in an earlier post) I did ask her. I asked her if she wanted mommy to be there or if she wanted me to leave. SHE said she wanted me there. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/15/2008 11:21:32 AM | | He stopped the visitiation because that is what addicts do. It sucks, but that is the way it is. Also, the child will not be taken away by two stangers, visitation usually takes place in your home or a public setting, like a park or McDonalds, it only needs to be for an hour or two at a time, and you can sit across the street with binoculars if you want! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/15/2008 12:57:49 PM | i'm sorry Joanne, I didnt realize how they would do the supervision. I guess I assumed it would be in a room with him and her and a supervisor. Guess I should know by now what happens when you ASSuME. However I did ask her and him both what they wanted, he said he would do whatever it took for him to see his daughter and she told me she wanted me there.
I understand about addicts and the only thing they are consumed with is their addiction. I know you dont know him or I, but if you could just see the interaction between them and between us. He is a completely different person then what he was. My hope is he will be there always for his daughter and him and I can continue with the friendship we have started. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/15/2008 6:25:47 PM | I am glad everything is so nice right now. But 5+ years is a long time to be addicted and you do not become unaddicted in a day. There is a long road ahead and it is not going to be smooth. He is at the beginning of his sobriety so he is on a "fluffy pink cloud" so to speak. That could change tomorrow even though he has every intention of staying clean and sober. For your childs sanity and safety you need to understand that and not cause a bug ruckus and involve her when it happens. Because it will. Trust me. I think it is a good idea to have a professional supervisor in place, just in case!
You are obviously a very intelligent woman, so do things the right way and this transition will be smooth as silk for your child. It may drive YOU nuts (and it would make me a little crazy too) but it doesn't have to be that way for the kid. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 205 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/16/2008 3:57:01 PM | | Yes Joanne, my lack of mental capacity is for foolish fishes. I just thought, what the hell, after I read you post, I'll see if you can responsibly answer my questions and you can't either. I've already explained my position and reasoning behind Pespi's bad decisions and as future correspondence between the families keeps coming up, we see the wisdom behind that. Bye. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/17/2008 1:37:14 AM | Pepsi,
While I agree with bits of every post out there, the best advice I can give is to think of your daughter. She will want to know her father (a*hole or not) if he so chooses to know her. She can decide that he's an ass & not blame you for telling her all her life that he was one & didn't deserve to know her.
If there is ANY (and I mean ANY) sign that her welfare is in danger, then of course you have to do what is right. A mother's intuition carries validity.
Also know that no parent is perfect--it is great that her father wants to be a part of her life, just make him work for it. If it's really worth it to him to stay clean, etc., start slowly (ie joint visits, group outings) & let the relationship move from there.
You have every right to be cautious & careful as you clearly cannot trust him yet, but people do change on occasion. Maybe not often, and if he reverts to the "old self", at least you can look back and say you tried, and your daughter can know for herself.
Welfare & safety aside, when this relationship develops, you too, will have the responsibility to discuss with him parenting guidelines, rules, etc. that you both agree on. You will have to be an adult & maintain a relationship with him as well, which unfortunately, may be the downside to letting him back in her life.
Regardless of the method of conception, children just want to know they are loved & accepted by their parents. Talk to your daughter through the process so she understands as best she can, that her father had some rough times in his life & made bad choices, but loves her & wants to know her. Be sure she knows that if he fails to follow through it is not because he doesn't love her.
I may not have much aged experience to offer, but I am a single mom & was raised by a single mom for years after my dad left. Opinions vary throughout this thread and while I realize this can't be an easy decision for you, I will say to trust your gut. If it doesn't feel right or you feel there may be some threat to safety or welfare of your daughter then don't do it.
Otherwise, the daughter (not the father, obviously) deserves the chance to know her father. He has the responsibility to be a good father so make him stick to it. Set up the ground rules for what you are comfortable with (whether the court is involved or family, etc) & if it means enough to him, he will abide by it.
As you said, she doesn't lack for anything and it seems you take good care of that. You'll do the right thing. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/17/2008 5:50:28 AM | Klopper,
Forgive me, but you are all over the place. First you have called me a ho, then you tell me I am a bad parent (not just in this thread, but you have in others I have started and you replied to), then you tell me I am a good parent, and now you think I am making bad decisions. It really doesnt matter what you think as you are not a part of my life. I try to understand everyone's feelings, as I know not everyone feels the same way and everyone's perception is different. But rest assured, I have my daughter's best interest and her well being at heart, and she is always in the front of my mind when I make decisions. I do happen to believe that she deserves to know her father. She is older now and can form her own opinion of him. If he flakes, well we will deal with it. But lets just say, for shits and giggles, that this all works out. Did anyone think of that? I know from past posts from everyone, that their situations didnt turn out good, and believe me that is something I did take into consideration and thought of when I first started this thread. That was in my mind when his brother first contacted me, but what if this all turns out well? What if he stays around? Yes, there is always a chance he could flake again, but there is also the chance that he wont. You will just have to trust me on this, but he has changed. I see it, and not just because I want to see it either. He is calmer and more at peace. He calls her every night and every morning.
I appreciate everyone's input and concern. I really do. It really does mean alot to me. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/17/2008 5:55:26 AM | Macienre,
Thank you. I am thinking of her. She is first in my mind with any decision I make. I always think of how it would affect her with any decision.
He calls her every night and every morning. He has come down twice and I drove up there once. We have planned another weekend this weekend (he comes to the house Saturday and I go to his job on Sunday). He hasnt yet asked me to leave or leave them alone. We do talk and get along. And I do watch how they interact with each other. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/17/2008 8:16:14 AM | | The posts just keep getting more and more intelligent. Now if we could just get rid of this Klopper kook, this whole thread might make some sense! | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 210 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/17/2008 11:09:21 PM | Pepsi,
It's very hard to understand you because you sway back and forth quite a bit so that's why I seem to be all over the place in regards to helping a beautiful mom with an adorable daughter. You say you are doing this for your daughter's best interests and 10000 experienced people can tell you what are the right things to do for both of you NOW in the present situation but absolutlely NONE of it seems to matter because of what YOU yearn soooooo much for your own heart to feel good about after 5 abandoned years, so good luck! | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 211 | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/18/2008 1:05:51 AM | please be advised that If there is no custody order, and you let him take her..and he decides to keep her, you will have to fight him in court to get her back, and that will take a very long time, provided she is in no immediate danger...
man I hope this works out well for your daughter. good luck hun. ((hugs)) | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/18/2008 6:22:01 AM | VIctoria,
There is a custody order in place. I have full/sole custody of her with him having visitation rights.
Y'know how you build up things in your mind, good or bad, and then when it actually happens it doesnt happen how you thought. When I started this thread, I had a very negative image in my mind; he wouldnt show, she would get hurt,we wouldnt get along, we would fight, etc. and nothing like that happened and I felt a sense of relief that things went as good as it did. Yes, there is a chance he could take off again, there is a chance that he could go back to drinking. But there is also a chance that he will continue to be in her life and he wont go back to drinking. I have had the drugs/alcohol talk with my daughter. When she asked about her dad, about a year ago, I did tell her that he loved her very much, but daddy had problems and i am sure when he gets them all figured out and he gets better, he would come see her.
I do have faith that things will work out between him and her. However, I also know that I need to be prepared in case he back slides. And that is what I am doing or trying to do at least. | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/19/2008 2:22:23 AM | i didn't read every post so you might have given more detail but
I think you resent the fact he sent his brother as a mediator but i think if you step back it was/is the best way to approach the issue.
If the brother was honest enough to tell you he was on drugs before , chances are he is responsible enough not to mediate a situation he doesn't feel comfortable with. With that being said i think alot of your questions can be answered thru the brother alot easier.
Did he say he wanted to jump right back into being 50/50 father or did he just say he wanted to be in her life again.
You seem reluctant to let your daughter visit her father "alone" because he is "like" a stranger to her , yet your daughter goes to school and meets strangers with much less of a connection every day.
You should think about getting a cell phone for your daughter so she knows she can call you anytime she feels uncomfortable or scared when she does visit him. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 215 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/19/2008 2:58:15 AM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^A 7 year old with a cell phone  ridiculous as next thing they'll want is an IPOD at 9  . Pepsi wants him to jump right in because there's nobody else. I mean she's a pretty woman with an adorable daughter and states she has a good family and life but obviously there are some sort of personal issues that prevent her from grabbing a good man for both of them thus uses the tired cliche of 'he's her father' even after all the 7 years of horrible mess he's done to them. Why do you think she is so excited! Just got to wish them good luck
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:39:13 AM | Klopper,
I dont want him to jump right in because there is no one else. Believe me, if i wanted to get married again and wanted someone else to be her dad, I could have. I have had 2 long term relationships since my divorce but chose not to marry them because if just didnt feel right. My daughter was attached to one and it hurt her when we broke up and he said he would still see her and then he didnt. I take that back, in the 2 years we have been separated, he has seen her 3 times i think. The other guy, well we dated for 6 months and my daughter could not have gave two shits about. She actually applauded me when i ended things with him. I dont want a guy just for the sake of having a guy or having a father figure for my daughter. That wouldnt make a good relationship, would it? | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/19/2008 6:45:11 AM | Silver,
It's not that I resented the fact he sent his brother to mediate the first meeting, it's I felt his brother wanted the relationship and my ex didnt. I mean, in the five years he had been gone, i didnt move, my phone number didnt change, hell I still work at the same place. And then all of a sudden his brother comes to the house and says I need to let my ex see her!!?? Forgive me, but I was taken aback by then. I am a big believer in "its not what you say but how you say it". I think the whole situation could have been handled better. I do understand why he sent his brother (if he did indeed send him) however I think it was completely wrong of his brother to just barge in and demand he take her to see her dad. And that is what exactly happened. Needless to say, he argued with me for a good 2 hours and when he finally left, I gave him my number and told him to tell his brother to call me if he is serious about seeing her. A week later, he called, we talked, and then the next week he came by to see her. | |
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Durken
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Joined: 5/8/2008
Msg: 218 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:30:45 AM | Pepsi, you need to learn more about relationships before you get into one....You can't be separated without marriage first. You allow the both of you to be a convenience for the men who have dumped you in hopes that it will re-trigger something, which is bad!!!!
Look, I'm not being mean or rude to you just for the hell of it. You and I represent our generation and our kids are both 7. We may never meet each other but all our hopes are on our kids carrying on our family's hard work and good heritage. Having all these short and long term relationships with nothing real to show for (unless it's pregnant again) is a waste of time........which is why most online proclaim to keep their children away for a long time for their own good times then sex.
I don't know what it is about this fuked up online dating world but to me....the greatest part of being a single parent is raising and loving our kids while they grow up so fast so wasting that VALUABLE born to 15 years with the sex games instead of concentrating on forming one loving and happy package is BAD! | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:16:45 AM | Klopper,
I agree with you on "the greatest part of being a single parent is raising and loving our kids while they grow up so fast so wasting that VALUABLE born to 15 years with the sex games instead of concentrating on forming one loving and happy package is BAD! " I dont random date, I dont participate in random sex games, I Do love my child and spend every moment i can with her. Our children do represent our parenting and my hope is I can raise my child to have sincerity, care for others, good morals, and strong religious beliefs.
I dated the first guy after my divorce for awhile before I introduced him to my daughter. We dated for 3 years. However, things didnt work out. The second relationship I admit I rushed it in the beginning. Introduced them too soon. She never took a liking to him and I look back on it and that relationship was just horrible and it was a "what the hell was I thinking" moment. He wasnt abusive or anything so dont think that, but ya, he had some hygiene problems and was not who he portrayed himself to be.
I believe every child has a right to know both parents. My daughter does not hurt for positive male role models or positive people around her that love her. She has me, my dad, brothers, sister, aunts, and uncles, all my friends who have been there since day one. She is well loved and looked after. However, my ex is her father and I do believe she has a right to know him and him her. I realize he made a very big mistake when he left her, but people can change, and he does seem sincere and genuine about wanting to know her. | |
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orphis
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Joined: 1/24/2009
Msg: 220 | |
| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 2/3/2009 8:09:07 PM | i would like to say a bit of a spill here and please note it's JMO .....i wish you the very best in creating a relationship with your daughter and her dad , but do it for the right reasons .... her ... i'm not sayin you're not , just do it for her . and outta of the love for your child , if you have a bad feeling , you need to make every precaution that'll she'll be okay . take all the steps / time you need to .
i will pat you on the back for realizing she don't have to have or need him in her life , as you stated she already has some great influences male and female . you're doin' good , keep up as you always have , you'll make the right choices .
far as relationships , do whatever you're comfortable with . you don't need anyones advice but your own on that matter . you know what is and isn't right . but do watch your daughter and how she reacts to those people that come into your life . i know being a dad of two amazing little boys , that they are one hell of a judge of character , they see what we don't .... and do see it alot sooner then we do .
gather all the information you need , however you have to do it . and be at peace with the choices you make .... i can tell with what you are doin , you care alot about your daughter and that in it's self is admirable ... :)
~orphis~ | |
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| I was informed yesterday.........
Posted: 2/11/2009 9:54:00 AM | | Send over a bill for outstanding child support and tell him that it needs to be paid in full before anything else happens. Then take his money and tell him to go screw himself. Chances are once he sees how much he owes he won't call you again. | |
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