| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/18/2008 8:32:03 AM | | hii i am a man 45 from gloucester and in same situation i have 2 boys 9 and 12 i have no problem chatting to women on site one at time of course not serial dater i tell them everything bout me give them txt number chat on msn and let tthem see me on web cam and then when arrange to meet they always back of im not brad pit or hunch back of nottre dam lol just mr average tell them weight 17st 6ft before they meet as well i hate lies l so answer to your question is perhaps we just havent met right one i dont think we should change who we r just to get partner id rather b on my own to find right one have been on my own 18 months now am still gonna keep trying thinking of going speed dating as well hope this will show you you r not alone keep trying there are genuine men on site as well just bad ones make it harder for good ones hope this give u confidence to keep trying rob x | |
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| why is it cant meet genuine women on here
Posted: 8/18/2008 8:44:48 AM | | hi am rob 45 from glos been on site 18months chatted to quite a few women have been honest told them height weight all bout me shown myself to them om msn not rude lol txt them all seems fine then when we meet same old story only want to b friends am not asking them to fall in love with me straight away not managed to gate second meeting am not brad pitt or hunch back of nottre dam cant understand why this is happening been told too nice as well whats all that about can anyone male or female suggest what i am doing wrong any tips would b helpful not going to give up though is hard to keep interested looking on site sometimes perhaps i should try something else any ideas appreciated | |
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| Re: Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/18/2008 8:47:55 AM | Hey MzSomebody", pardon me if its just monday, but I did not understand what you mean...
If what you meant was that if I would end the correspondence with the girl if she just saw me as friend, of course I would never do that. :)
As I said, they are now my very good friends, and I have no regret at all that it went that way.
Though I am still to understand why I pass to the "friend" status so damn quick... Hm...
Please explain more :) | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/18/2008 2:36:09 PM | It's natural for people to second guess themselves; particularly if things seem "too good to be true" or the connection is really intense. Let's face it, everyone has been hurt at one time or the other, and nobody wants to be in that situation again. It is also sometimes difficult for two adults, with established lives to find the balance between maintaining independence and trying to build something together. It is not surprising that periodically there may be a need for space on either side to take a step back and evaluate what is really going on. This is a healthy reaction from even a well adjusted person, and the wise partner will allow some space for this ‘rebalancing’ to occur.
That being said, I’d like to comment on the extreme of this behavior. There is an entire population out there who should simply come with warning labels on their foreheads. They leave a trail of devastation and confusion wherever they go.
This post will get WAY too long if I explain, so do yourself a favor and search ‘Commitment phobic” on the web. Believe what you read and learn the signs. The psychological theories behind this topic are very extensive, but let me assure you, these people exist. A close encounter with a CP will be one of the most painful things you'll ever endure in life.
They pull you close, they push you away. They can't live without you, they can't be with you. Some go to the trouble of winning your heart, maybe even buying you an engagement ring and selling their house to live with you, only to disappear without explanation. Some actually become really mean and find ways to blame YOU for the demise of the relationship. Many will come up with elaborate apologies to win you back only to start the process over again and will continue this for as long as you'll put up with it (YEARS even!). VERY few will eventually admit that you were NOT crazy, they actually DID love you, and there is nothing you've done wrong, but they just couldn’t follow through with their side because they are paralyzed by fear.
Regardless of how and when it happens, the emotional turmoil and confusion is excruciating. You begin to question reality, your perceptions of how to read people and how safe it is to really open up. If the CP is really accomplished, he may even make you question yourself.
I have two messages regarding this.
1. If anyone reading this recognizes that he (or she) has a habit of this drastic behavior, I implore you STOP! Go get counseling! Stop being SO selfish! You have no business in the dating pool. You are not only harming warm, caring people who have the capacity to love, but you are also keeping them from finding someone who will gladly love them back. It’s just irresponsible and cruel to meddle with people’s hearts like this just to get your own needs met.
2. If you become involved with someone who has been a victim of this behavior, please be a bit more patient and understanding that we might need just a bit more reassurance during the time when you're feeling the need to have space. After all, it's really hard to tell whether it's just a normal person taking a needed breather or the beginning of another dreadful roller coaster ride that we'll struggled to end by closing our heart to someone we care about deeply. We don't mean to be intense about defining the relationship, but we also don't want to accidentally push someone away who is actually capable of being a partner and just needs a bit of time to adjust. There is just a great deal of angst involved when you're trying to be fair and flexible, yet evaluate whether the person you're allowing to matter in your life is actually someone who is capable of just "turning off" and walking away without even stopping to consider how much pain and confusion he has just caused. Believe me, these people ruin it for the nice, normal, good intentioned folks out there because they have no regard for anyone but themselves and just destroy anyone who is unfortunate enough to care for them. They are so good at this game, and act SO sincere, that often you don't even notice the wall before it hits you straight in the face. Try to imagine how it must be for us the next time we are pondering whether things are as they seem! Sigh..... | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/18/2008 9:42:59 PM | You got me on this one. Friends with benefits. Go for it dudes.
But honestly, why do you care? Rejection is part of the whole dating scene, don't take it personal men have been getting rejected, pull back, let's be friends or whatever else for thousands of years. Welcome to the party. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/19/2008 6:01:51 AM |
Why do some men show interest and pursue a woman and everything seems to be going well, but then for whatever reason, will start to back off?
For beginners, it is not just men - women do it too. Why do they do it?... usually because they don't have the guts to tell you straight up - or they think that you can't handle being told straight up. It isn't rocket science.... if one person feels that the other is not a good fit as partner material, they back off.... but it would be a lot better if they actually informed the other one of that.... Communication is a good thing. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/19/2008 7:48:53 AM | "Men are weird.........."
No more so than women. By the way have you inquired into the reason for the sudden apparent loss of interest?
Same thing happened to me and I still can't stop thinking about her. Yes, I did ask and the answer really floored me! A reference to an event that she took in a way that completely blindsided me. It simply never occurred to me, nor was it correct and she had so little regard for me that she neither asked about something I did that upset her nor would she believe that I would never knowingly cause pain for someone whom I was starting to like enough to take it further. It hadn't gone much farther than that.
That long blurb about my situation is merely to illustrate that he may have reacted to something you said, or even did not say, in a negative manner and did not believe enough in your integrity to want to follow up. It happens.
Life is not fair but until it ends it is all we have. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/19/2008 8:10:53 AM | so discouraged to read some men say its just for sex and the quick hookup and when they get it they move on...
Where are the real men who came here to meet a life partner and someone to share.
Hint #1 if there is no talk of the future or future plans-he doesnt see you in his future.
Hint#2 if he doesnt ask you about your past-where did you go to school?where did you live growing up?-he doesnt care and therefore you are not in his future either.
I got these now-learned the hard way! Ouch! It hurts..... | |
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| Re: Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:12:35 AM | | Mzsomebody, I agree that someone being sincere and open doesnt deserve to be shut down. But theres alot of idiots out there that will not think twice before completely doing a Houdini on a poor well meaning girl, what I meant before is that they are not worth considering. Not even worth calling up and asking for an explanation. The way I see it theres alot of good people out there to be wasting time pondering about the "could haves" or "should haves". Speaking for myself though I think that if someone is into doing a disappearing act, then let them. Life is too short to care about it long enough to make it an issue. | |
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| Re: Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:28:45 AM | | Very simple answer to this question actually. Most of the time, they probably had more than one iron in the fire, and the preferred interest ended up panning out, so you got dropped. I've done this several times and although if I could do things over I'd try to be even more sensitive, I think it is bound to happen. Up until 5 dates or so I don't think there's an assumption of exclusivity, it's just a getting to know each other phase. And I would pretend to have a good time no matter how bad I actually thought the date was going just to avoid unpleasantness. Go for the simple answer with men and you'll probably stumble across the right answer. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 10:22:02 AM | | My intuition told me it was as coruga describes. That's why the big first date and the show men put on early is nice, but doesn't "get" me. It's what happens after the dust settles a bit that begins to draw me in. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:31:15 PM | I'd have to "mostly" agree with tru218.
Being "Just a friend" is relatively hard to accomplish in a social setting if you want to "see what happens". Guys are fairly simple, dangle the carrot, we follow. Take the carrot away, we look for another carrot ;)
If you're not offering a relationship more than just a friendship, you're not offering enough. That's not to say that there aren't guys out there who can do it, it's just rare. And in the social confines of a dating site, single mom or not, you need to be clear what you want. If the attraction, and chemistry is there, do something about it. There's nothing worse than knowing you can have something, and not getting it. THAT will drive a guy off faster than anything.
I have "girlfriends" that I've been friends with for years, where there is nothing more than a friendship. To get to the point of being just friends though, it took years before either of us got over the idea that we weren't going to be anything more than just friends. Still, most of them got married, and damned if the husband's like me being around, they still see me as competition.
I also have friends that we started off completely just wanting a friendship, and ended up in a relationship. And it happens faster than you can blink. The downside being, that the time built as a friend, is easily lost if the relationship won't work.
There is no one answer to the question you pose, but it's likely if you're not clear in what you want off of the get-go, you're not going to have men stick around. And honestly, if you're only looking for a friend, you might not want to be on a dating site, try face/crackbook.
But that's just my opinion. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:34:11 PM | Oh, and as for the poor woman where the guy wasn't willing to wait a week...
Sorry my dear, you aren't the only woman he's talking to, he's leaving his options open.
Move on, and forget about him. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:42:30 PM | applepiesweettart on 8/11/2008 6:01:13 PM
Subject: Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Message: I'm curious as to what the men's answers will be on this subject in general.
Men & math are hard. :-/
Don't know what the answer is, but don't think for a second that men have a monopoly on this type of thing. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:45:04 PM | It's not just the men. FYI Guys & Girls read the profile, and if it doesn't have any meat in it don't bother. If it sounds to good to be true it usually is. Look for pictures in a natural setting, or activity that are clear. The key is not to im, email, telephone; it's to meet. To look into someones eyes, and listen and then be honest.
Leading up to that is courtesy of a reply: I don't feel the chemistry, the distance is too far, I'm looking for someone specifically, etc. Everyone deserves one, and to not give one is rude. Why, are you hear then? We make a game out of it.
That's my 2 cents.............. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:47:45 PM | I've dated women for a while that just really didn't float my
boat. I liked them, and they were probably good people but
something was missing! The relationship felt somehow flat!
Maybe I thought that something special would still develope,
but it didn't and yes, I felt awful! And no, I didn't sleep with
all of them, so that wasn't the common denominator! | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 1:38:06 PM | I think one of the key reasons is there not sure that you're what they want so they start out intense then back off because of what they discover/learn/realize as you spend more time together. I do it all the time. I have been out with plenty of women over the past 12 months where I was initially interested only to find myself not that interested later. Most I met on line and from my area. Some I dated for months - others I dated for weeks. For one reason or another I didn't think that any of them was 'the one' so I backed off - eventually ending it. I don't know about all guys but most of us do have some degree of feeling and don't like hurting people - I know I don't. If I start out interested and you're interested then I loose interest but you don't - it makes it difficult to end abrubtly. I tend to just back off, eventually ending it. Sex has nothing to do with it. A guy can go out and get sex just like a woman can. She might not look like what he wants to end up with but hey - if he's only wanting sex then he's not looking at her as a prospect for a wife/mate right? I also find that if you're not 'feeling' it for a woman and she is - then why have sex??? It just complicates matters even more and leaves her angry when you do pull back. Sex - while satisfying in either a one night stand or long term relationship - I find should be reserved for someone that shares the same level of commitment/love/desire/passion for. That is unless the both of you right from the start explain that the relationship is strictly physical/sexual and that nothing will come of it - however I don't know too many women that are true ho's ( I mean even a ho doesn't THINK she's a ho) - most ho'ish type of women exchange sex for the hopes of winning a guys adoration/love. I don't think any woman wants to feel used for pleasure and not loved at the same time. The majority of men on the other hand can just have sex and leave it that. I have never been able to just 'hook up' with someone and then not see them again?? If I am attracted enough to sleep with you then I am attracted enough to be with you then I am attracted enough to want a relationsip with you. Anything else is a waste of time in my book.  | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 3:31:34 PM | But why not ask why?
I have countless situations where a guy seems to be extremely interested for days or weeks... then nothing. Over and over again. What if IT IS ME?????? With my track record that is the reasonable answer, yet I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong! I am my own worst critic, but I know I am attractive, smart, and a great person.
If one does not ask "WHY?" and the reason is one's own fault, then one may continue repeating the same pattern. | |
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| Why do some men act interested, then pull back?
Posted: 8/20/2008 6:16:53 PM | I'm not sure about the situation you mentioned (maybe he just changed his mind or his situation changed), but this sort of thing might happen if the guy gets the feeling he's doing all the work, and you aren't reciprocating, so he assumes you're not really interested. For example if I emailed someone I'd tell her a bit about me and ask her something about herself. If she wrote back and simply answered my questions and didn't ask me anything about myself or volunteer any further info I would assume she wasn't interested. If that went on for a couple of emails I'd just stop writing.
That's a different situation to what you described, but it might offer some insight. | |
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