| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:15:24 AM | | I just got out of an abusive relationship. It's funny because you always tell yourself "This isn't really happening, maybe it's just me and I'm too sensitive" I've always been a stong person myself, but I always try to find the best in people because I think no one can be that bad. Truth be told, some people are and will do everything to weaken you. I tried telling myself it was going to change if I changed, but it didn't. The scary thing was I didn't really back away until it got really violent. The bruises and scrapes will go away, but you will forever doubt of your next relationship unless you seek help. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:32:33 AM | | To the OP - I am really sorry you had to go through that. Alot of men seem to decide to wield this abusive power over women because it makes them feel more manly or some crap but in reality it sucks. I was not physically abused so there were no marks to show but my mind was messed up for a very long time before I finally left my marriage. I don't know what possessed him to verbally abuse me especially infront of our children but he did and now he's alone.....................karma | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:36:14 AM | | a month isnt long it will take as long as it takes to heal yes i do urge u seek councelling talking helps go to group therphy listening to others stories helps and u ca learn to make good friends u will in time b able to tell bad people from good take some time learn to love urself again learn to have confidence again u will find urself again if u need to get restraing order out it does work but it takes time learn to b patient if u dont want to talk face to face with people the internet is good yes ur alive ur still breathin b thankful for that but believe me u will heal but one thing i will say dont rush back in there a relationship with sumone can wait when u find u again u will b able to form a relationship do things u havnt done or stopped doing there are good people out there even if u are feelin lonely dont go back there keep intouch with friends, councellor. u will have low days as well as good days but u will learn to get over it u were lucky u wernt in relationship too long u got out put it bhind u keep moving forward | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:39:58 AM |
a month isnt long it will take as long as it takes to heal yes i do urge u seek councelling talking helps go to group therphy listening to others stories helps and u ca learn to make good friends u will in time b able to tell bad people from good take some time learn to love urself again learn to have confidence again u will find urself again if u need to get restraing order out it does work but it takes time learn to b patient if u dont want to talk face to face with people the internet is good yes ur alive ur still breathin b thankful for that but believe me u will heal but one thing i will say dont rush back in there a relationship with sumone can wait when u find u again u will b able to form a relationship do things u havnt done or stopped doing there are good people out there even if u are feelin lonely dont go back there keep intouch with friends, councellor. u will have low days as well as good days but u will learn to get over it u were lucky u wernt in relationship too long u got out put it bhind u keep moving forward
Holy SNAP! That has to be a world record for the longest run-on sentence ever.
I know women hate getting periods, but it wouldn't kill ya to use some periods here and there when ya post. Really. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:52:11 AM | OMG. I would get OUT! that is one thing I will not stick around in and that's an abusive relationship. I dated this guy once that called me a b!tch because I would'nt give him money. ...that was the end of that. I rid myself of him and filed an restraining order after he wouldnt stop calling me. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:53:23 AM | opps! I misread your post. congrats on getting out. my prayer are with you. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 2:48:46 AM | | It's been 2 1/2 years since I left my abusive relationship. I don't cry over it anymore but I still get angry everytime I think of him. I don't think that there's really a set length of time for one to heal. Even though I'm over him, it still affects me in certain ways when it comes to new relationships. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:31:25 AM | It takes as long to heal as it does for you to fully answer why it is you tolerated any of it in the first place. You need to get off of thinking about HIS actions...the joker's gone...think about YOURS because that is who you will be with the rest of your life for sure ;)
Figure it out, then forgive yourself, then endeavor never to ignore any red flags again. Usually, most controlling men start out very sweet. The change begins subtley. Perhaps they begin getting overly jealous and then YOU decide to be flattered by that. Mistake number one. Then they begin asking you where you've been, what you've been doing, and the TONE in their voice is insinuating, suspicious etc - and again you interpret it as 'caring'. Mistake number two. Then some part of you believes if they just come to know you better, they will see how they can trust you just fine. Mistkake number three. I don't mean that it works like such clockwork, it's just an example of how the pattern begins changing from sweet to becoming a controlling, violent pr*ck.
It's not about blaming yourself, it's about UNDERSTANDING yourself. You've got to get through that first. Then CHANGE. Don't just stop at the understanding. When you feel yourself making excuses for being treated badly, it should stop you dead in your tracks so you can make an about face away from the offender. Also, I would recommend you not consider getting involved with a dude UNTIL you've gone through the process of HONEST self-analysis. Get to a place, eventually, where you understand you deserve to be treated well. Why? Because odds are very good it's in YOUR nature to treat others well. I'm not religious at all, but there's a quote I'll never forget hearing that I think rings true in many relationships: Do not throw your pearls before the swine, because they will trample on them and then turn on you. Moral? AVOID THE SWINE!! lol They don't deserve your time dear, seriously. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:16:17 PM | Yes i have a no contact order with him and his court date is next week. It depends whether or not he pleads guilty or not for his sentencing if not then there'll be a trial. AS for councelling just waiting for the application to go through, and assessed as it is gone through the provincial aided program.
It's hard to be completely alone and although am not co-dependant just miss the good times of companionship. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:21:57 PM | You are no longer an abused woman. You are a strong person that got away from a bad relationship. I hope when you do get therapy you discuss the 'why' of it all, not his part in it but yours. Good luck to you and I hope they lock him up. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:27:12 PM | It takes as long as it takes....there is no magic time limit when poof! you wake up and you feel better. Just understand that it was not your fault that he abused you. But please also seek counseling to learn what attracted you to him in the first place.
This is not to blame you, but we teach people how to treat us...sometimes without realizing that's what we're doing. And you ahve the choice of what you will allow. Think about it, if you knew someone was abusing your best friend, you'd go to bat for them right? Now, go to bat for yourself and choose to surround yourself with people that will treat you with the love and kindness you deserve.
Warm hugs.....it gets better. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:29:43 PM | | How long does it take to heal?? I guess that depends on how out of line you got and how hard he had to punish you. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:56:40 PM | One month??? Honey...I hate to tell you this, but it will more than likely be the rest of your life...you're bruises and cuts may heal on the outside, but they will always be on the inside. You will forever have your defenses up in future relationships..even if you are not thinking about it...something will trigger a memory and you will remember things like it was yesterday. I don't want to sound like the barrer of bad news or a negative person...but I lived thru that for so long....the physical, mental and emotional abuse....I feel your pain....I've felt your pain.
If you ever need to talk or vent....just send me an email.
Good luck and God Bless! | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:03:35 PM |
There are more than likely groups in or around your area for victims of abuse that you could join.
I don't really think such groups help at all in fact I think they keep people anchored where they are by reliving the memories yada yada yada . Best option would be one on one counseling covering self esteem and empowering topics so you do not allow yourself to repeat this kind of relationship that allows you to slip in to victim role.
good luck. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:14:05 PM | You'll heal quick and be better off for the experience what doesn't kill yea will make you stronger. Majority off people are decent folks but unfortunately all it takes is 1 as*hole to ruin the show. No worries though you'll find that one whom makes all those troubles go away...
Excuse me, but on what planet did you learn this? Nothing could be further from the truth.
OP, the only person who can make your troubles go away is you and I would suspect you will find that extremely difficult (if not impossible) to do without outside help. People do not end up with abusive partners by accident and if you get professional help, you will learn this. You will also learn how to recognize abusive men before becoming deeply involved. You may not be able to change the fact that you're attracted to them, but you can learn to spot them and get out of those relationships much more quickly. Eventually, you can grow enough emotionally that you will no longer feel attracted to abusive men.
I don't know about Canada, but in the U.S. there are lots of resources for battered women. Google it in your area; find a support group or some other form of counseling. You were a victim, but now you have the power to become a survivor. You will only continue to be a victim if you choose not to get help.
I don't really think such groups help at all in fact I think they keep people anchored where they are by reliving the memories yada yada yada .
If you have participated in such groups and found them unhelpful, that's unfortunate. If you haven't had the experience then you have no basis for such an assumption. I have had the experience and it was life changing. The only way out of the pain is through it. Trying to ignore it, go around it, avoid it, bury it, etc. is ineffective and ultimately, self destructive. All that does is lead one to develop toxic coping mechanisms that can truly ruin your life. Get some help, OP.
You can do it. Abused women are some of the strongest people alive. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 9:25:54 PM | "Yes i have a no contact order with him and his court date is next week. It depends whether or not he pleads guilty or not for his sentencing if not then there'll be a trial. AS for councelling just waiting for the application to go through, and assessed as it is gone through the provincial aided program.
It's hard to be completely alone and although am not co-dependant just miss the good times of companionship."
OP I am impressed. You are doing all of the right things. Taking all of the right actions, even though I am sure it is hurting to take them.
I do realize that in the worst of relationships there are also good times and things you miss. With abusers there can be a Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde where one persona you love and the other puts your life at risk. Additionally, as illogical as it may seem to others, there continues to be a feeling of love and desire for companionship. Comfort yourself through it. Have some compassion for yourself while you use this alone time to heal.
I hope to go into a new relationship you want to bring to your picking and to your new relationship a healed person. It does take time. There are many things you got blamed for in this relationship. The time is used to look through the blame - by him, by others and by yourself - to figure out from hindsight which are things you do want to change in the future and which are just unfounded blame and you need to let those go and be on their shoulders, not yours. Abusers are amazing at the blame game. This is where support from those who understand the dynamics of abusive relationships can help.
I saw an earlier comment about a friend claiming getting pushed out of a car was something you deserved. Wow! Shocking. Now, I can go to an absolute extreme situation in which a person in a car is trying to kill or rape the driver and in self-defense the driver pushes them out ... not a chance do I believe this is what you were doing. Therefore, no way, not a chance, not in this world were you ever deserving of being pushed out of a moving vehicle. That is attempted murder and can only be justified by self-defense.
take your time and heal. | |
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Posted: 8/22/2008 9:37:05 PM | girlee girl i would but you don't accept msgs from any women..lol thanks though
And as far as donkey boy's little joke i guess that's why it's your nickname eh? jack ass for saying or even typing something like that! If you don't like the topic skip it, clearly there is no filter between your brain and keyboard.
Even after getting out of this horrible experience i feel more alone with an even bigger void inside then ever before. I am trying to find strength it's hard but i see from other's experience it can be done. It's just i guess i have to start believing it, sometime or another. I guess feeling sorry for myself will have to stop at one point or another am getting a little ancy with his court date next week is just bringing up all these feelings again. I gave my all even carried his child didn't have that and then literally get dumped on the street because someone did not get their way that day.
To those that have said not to get into another relationship, don't worry on that account I don't think if I could ever trust someone or ever give my all to anyone ever again perhaps with therapy that outlook might change. It just boggles my mind of how someone could do that to someone. I guess that isn't important. But, to me to have that question answered would be paramount in order to be able to move on. I wonder if he will plead guilty or is he going to try and carry this horrible experience out?
I've been through a bad relationship even after that engagement, this one has never made me feel so low for self-worth, esteem and any other sort of confidence. Psychologically I hope one day the scars will heal. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 11:10:47 PM | | I was in a very abusive marriage. I was thrown down stairs, slapped, pinched, hair pulled out, ground his knuckles in my chest, had clothes ripped off, punched so hard in the chest, I couldn't hardly breath, head butted in the nose, eye, and mouth, choked, knocked down and dislocated my tailbone, and many other things. At first, I fought back, but the more I fought back, the more he would hurt me, and then blame me for fighting back. So I quit fighting back, and it just got worse. I drank a lot at that time, (wonder why?), and he blamed it on that. That was not it. IT was him abusing me. It took me a long time to figure it all out, because for a long time I did blame myself, because I was drinking too much. But after I quit drinking, and got back with him, and he knew I would not put up with anymore physical abuse, it became emotional, and verbal abuse, and when I shut him down on that, he found someone else. And it still took me a long time to get over that, but in the end, I have finally become my own person, and will not tolerate any kind of bulls hit from men. I will not take any kind of abuse, mental, or physical. If I see any signs of bulls hit, I'm done. Would rather be alone forever, than put up with any of it again. And actually I am quite happy living alone, doing what I want without someone telling me what to do, and how to do it. I am very free of all that, and intend to live my life happily, with, or without a man in my life. Do everything you can to take care of YOU. Your scars will heal. But you won't ever forget the hell you have gone through, and hopefully you won't ever put up with it again. I know I won't. I felt so ashamed, and embarrassed by it that I didn't share it with anyone, and when I finally did, the people that knew me, could not believe I lived that way, and neither could I. I guess when you are going through it, you just can't see what's really happening, but you will from now on. Please don't ever let anyone else do anything like this to you again. You can email me anytime you would like, I'm a very good listener. :) | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/22/2008 11:53:16 PM | Hugs for all you have been through..write to me if you wish. I am a survivor of abuse,and glad to say you will come to a place in your life you feel the sunshine on your face and can close your eyes and breath in safely. Se if you can find someone to talk to..it helps a great deal just to speak the words and unload it..you didn't deserve it...you didn't cause it. I am sorry to hear about losing your baby that must have been heart breaking. Take your days one moment at a time..get your little victories back a piece at a time. Hang in there and stay safe...keep friends around you alot...but talk to someone...you are not a statistic...you are a survivor! Hugs! | |
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Posted: 8/23/2008 1:23:19 AM | In April of 2007, I was held inside an apt by my ex girlfriend against my will. She was drunk out of her mind and threatened to shoot me. Don't know if she had the gun in her apt. But I do know she had a gun collection back home in Arkansas. And some years ago she did bring one back here to NYC. Her exhusband, NYPD, got rid of it for her.
Still to this day, I have flashbacks and certain things do trigger me off. How long will it last? Good question. I really don't know. We're all different when it comes to this. | |
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Posted: 8/23/2008 6:16:04 PM | | Thank you for sharing that NYC...its hard for people to understand men are abused as well..I am sorry for what you went through too...Take as much time as you need to heal and don't let anyone rush you. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/23/2008 6:47:15 PM | op i will tell you a little something that i hope will help, because i was involved in an abusive marriage many years ago. i can't remember exactly how long it took me to get over it, but it was certainly more than a month. i had continuing nightmares about it for a couple of years, even when i had pretty much gotten past most of the major junk. but getting past it is key, and key to getting past it for me was realizing that i married someone *who treated me the way i felt about myself*. the whole thing was a completely subconscious process! once i came to that realization at a conscious level and fully accepted it, i also made the conscious choice that i deserved better and i never had a problem again (i.e., another abusive relationship) nor i was no haunted by my past. i am not suggesting that this will be the exact same answer for you, but i am suggesting that the healing process involves a lot of very dispassionate self-examination. and forgiveness.... for yourself as well as for the perpetrator.
i wish you the best in this effort. | |
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