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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/23/2008 8:12:46 PM | LP-- here is my experience and some advise. I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years. A momma's boy. I would wake up sometimes with the barrel of a gun at my chin, him grinning, "I could kill you anytime I wanted" he would say. A smile would earn a couple of bruises. Wanting to spend time with my family would earn name calling and a broken rib here or there. Enough to keep me at the house. His not my parents. Even a miscarriage. Unwanted by him. Couldn't take the attention off of him. When he passed away, to me, it was a blessing. I was relieved and sad at the same time. Because I knew at that moment , that if cancer had not got him, I would have eventually died by his hand. Sad that I couldn't have been treated better and six years were wasted, on a man who was nothing in this world. It took me 5 years to recover and know that I was , am, worth more to the world then just a punching bag. That even though I may never be famous, I have my self respect , dignity, and I love myself. That is my legacy to the world. What helped me was , even though I am Baptist, I spoke with a Catholic priest. I needed to hear something other than "It will be okay, you will recover." What I got from Father Thomas, was you need to pull yourself up , God loves you, your family loves you, NOW YOU LOVE YOU!!!
Let me tell you we sat on that pew and talked for two hours. He just let me talk and cry and vent and curse. He set me up with a really good doctor who I could talk with whenever I felt the need to unload anything I had going on in my life. In the last 4 years , I have dated, cautiously, looking for the signs, have even been in love with a really truly nice guy. Don't let your abusive man have power over you. That is what he has. Take it back, all of it, you are young and beautiful, and a strong woman. A lot stronger than you know. Bless you LP!! | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/23/2008 8:35:46 PM | Anyone familiar with 12 step programs already knows that the first step to solving a personal problem is admitting that you have one. One of the first steps in creating an abusive relationship, is pointing at your partner and telling them that they have the problem.
getting past it is key, and key to getting past it for me was realizing that i married someone *who treated me the way i felt about myself*
This really doesn't sound "key," but my recognition of your feelings suggest that you felt it was important, and that you recognized a problem. You found what you thought was a problem, and you fixed yourself.
am suggesting that the healing process involves a lot of very dispassionate self-examination. and forgiveness.... for yourself as well as for the perpetrator.
Mostly for yourself. You are the only one that you are capable of healing. If forgiving him makes you feel better, then go ahead. I personally would require him to commit acts of contrition before I would consider any forgiveness. I would certainly attempt to treat him in a civil manner, but forgiveness is reserved for thosee who ask for it, and deserve it. I don't want to preach but even Jesus said to "bear fruits worthy of repentance." You are under no moral obligation to forgive someone who has not become contrite.
its hard for people to understand men are abused as well.
It's probably even harder for them to understand that some men know how a woman who has been abused feels, and that as one of them, I strongly feel that I need to help many people who still don't understand how hurtful small actions can be and how small words can hurt so big. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/23/2008 8:39:50 PM | You dont need counseling,you need a real man ! One that doesnt tell you what to do ,and one that doesnt throw you out of vehicles! The big middle finger to that guy! He doesnt deserve you! If youre thinking about going back with that jerk ,you need help.Dont even think about it!javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/23/2008 10:31:30 PM | I am not thinking about getting back together with him. It's just I've never felt so low as in self esteem, self worth or confidence. Psychogologically am more effed up then I ever was. I understand that people get through it, but for a first time statistic I am unable to grasp the feeling or thought of how someone could do that, especially when I carried his child at one point in time. I don't know I thought for what I went through with the pregnancy and abortion I thought there'd be a little more respect. I admire the men and women who have gone through this sort of behavior as toxic as it may be but I guess I am just not at point that I am over it sort of speak. I have been self medicating and it doesn't help and just waiting until the time my claim is approved and can speak to a professional. Up until now I haven't believed in therapists or councellors because I always thought that one should be able to figure out their own problems on their own. NOw, I think differently considering I was a child of abuse in all kinds of ways except sexual. But, I was always told that I was never good enough and I was the equal to the women who walked the streets from a young age I'd say 10 years old and on. Maybe I am more effed up then I realize. I had family and even then my family is effed up. THen again who's isn't. In all due respect, like I mentioned I can't afford to go see a therapist that costs 200 bucks an hour, which really hurts but if I did have the money I'd do it in a heart beat. I know I didn't deserve it. I know that in my heart or hearts. But, I think I still need him to admit that he was wrong to do that and an apology would be even better. I know I will never get that but since the New year my last 8 months has been hell. Then someone wonders why I self medicate. Excuse or not right or wrong, that's where my self esteem is at this point. Am currently looking for a sugar daddy to help me pay my bills. I figure why not I've got nothing to lose, as in making myself feel good. I know other's have gone through worse, to me it was an actual first time offense as in physical, it just seemed so harsh to me. I can't wrap my head around it. Maybe I haven't recovered from the abortion I don't know. As i Love children more then myself sometimes. To hear from a girlfriend that I deserved it, hurt even more, as a sister closer than my blood sister. Maybe I have a lot more issues than I actually thought. I don't know. Please excuse the rambling I am drunk as a skunk and feel lonely and figure strangers without bias opinions are more satisfying then people close to me. It's hard for me to get out of bed some days. But, on the other hand when he threatened to go to my father's care home who is currently dying from Alzheimer's really made me feel scared. I told my ex I'd rather be dead then worry about his anger issues for the rest of my life and if there was a kid involved I think I'd die. Cus I don't think I could put up with 18 years of BS. I don't know what I am trying to say I NEED HELP AND SCREAMING FOR IT....but who will save me!?!?!
noone except myself I suppose...Thanks for all the advice!!! | |
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Pers14
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Joined: 3/24/2008
Msg: 55 | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 3:48:05 AM | I personally would require him to commit acts of contrition before I would consider any forgiveness. I would certainly attempt to treat him in a civil manner, but forgiveness is reserved for thosee who ask for it, and deserve it. I don't want to preach but even Jesus said to "bear fruits worthy of repentance." You are under no moral obligation to forgive someone who has not become contrite.
then you have absolutely no understanding of what real forgiveness is.
forgiveness does NOT come with a debt.
the people that need forgiving the most are precisely those people who will neither ask for it, nor "deserve" it. more than likely, they will never change their behavior either.
i think your brand of forgiveness goes with all the walking wounded of this planet. not the kind of crowd i want to hang in, always carrying a self-righteous grudge and even invoking jesus as a way to justify their own bitterness.
good luck with that. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 4:48:19 AM | to the OP: I have no answers, just a hopeful prayer that your next relationship is fulfilling and wholesome. I wish you joy.
re: forgiveness: Forgive, but never forget, and never, ever look back with regret. The real loser in this situation is the abuser, IMO.
Annudder | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 8:55:53 AM | OP I was married for 25 years to a man who was very mentally abusive, sometimes physical. The physical part I got over, the mental part----well its been 10 years sense the divorce. I have done counseling, it helped a great deal, and I must add that being on these forums have been the best medicine for me. There is nothing like talking or just reading about someone who has been through what you have, and can relate.
I too still have nightmares,and trust issues but Im beginning to see how lucky I am. I have lost what could have been a good and lasting relationship with someone I really cared about,because of what he did to me. That means he still has control. BUT NO MORE. I am in control now,or Im doing my best to be. Don't let him win. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:40:24 AM | I'm sorry if anybody has trouble with understanding or tolerating my point of view. I needed to heal myself, and I need to stay healed. If your point of view conflicts with mine, I can forgive you for that. If your point of view causes someone to hurt me or another person, my forgiveness will be withheld, until you recognize your error, or until you can no longer express that point of view. I never said that you would not be forgiven.
I am not posting on this thread to save the world, or discuss differences in religion. I came here to help heal someone who is experiencing a lot of pain.
then you have absolutely no understanding of what real forgiveness is.
forgiveness does NOT come with a debt.
It always come with the price of the pain that you suffered when the person requiring forgiveness found need to seek it. To heal the pain, you don't need the person who caused it. In fact, the person who caused your pain, could pay many times and never heal you. First, you need to find the healing within yourself. The tools of healing can be given, but they must be received before they work.
the people that need forgiving the most are precisely those people who will neither ask for it, nor "deserve" it. more than likely, they will never change their behavior either.
And offering forgiveness won't change it either. I hear your words, but I don't see your objective.
i think your brand of forgiveness goes with all the walking wounded of this planet. not the kind of crowd i want to hang in, always carrying a self-righteous grudge and even invoking jesus as a way to justify their own bitterness.
I don't accuse people of carry grudges, or invoking religions when they quote the words of wise men. I am sorry if my words affected or offended your beliefs, and I hear what your heart is saying. I believe you are referring to tolerance, and not forgiveness. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 9:48:11 AM | And offering forgiveness won't change it either. I hear your words, but I don't see your objective.
Maybe that's because you see forgiveness as something you do for the offender. It is not.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a different or better yesterday. The reason you forgive is so you can let go of past hurts and move forward with your life. It is in no way for the benefit of the person who hurt you and it is not to send them the message that anything they've done is ok or will be condoned. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:16:12 AM | | You are absolutely correct charle. If my ex thought I forgave him he would think what he did wasn't so bad after all, which would make him even more of the type of an abuser that he is. It takes a long time to get over abuse, and I don't know that you really ever get over it, but you do let go. We deserve a good life. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:26:49 AM | I suppose I will have to address this point further, and since I am addressing it, I will also move back up the thread, and address other points which have been made, and not resolved to my satisfaction. I am only here to heal one person, and if that person is offended, that person will speak. After that person has had his pain healed, he might forgive.
It is in no way for the benefit of the person who hurt you and it is not to send them the message that anything they've done is ok or will be condoned.
I disagree. I believe if you continue to feed an army; it will continue to attack.
Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a different or better yesterday.
If the offender is still sick, and you forgive him, then you also sacrifice the offenders future. Forgive yourself first. Heal yourself first so that you will have a future to forgive those who deserve it. I feel like a lot of people have either missed the first step, or have forgotten the pain it took to take it. My abuser has passed from this life, and has been forgiven. I did not allow her to hurt me again while she lived.
Forgive, but never forget, and never, ever look back with regret.
Forgive yourself, and you won't forget, nor will you regret.
I've never felt so low as in self esteem, self worth or confidence. Psychogologically am more effed up then I ever was.
I know these feelings. It hurts a lot. Someone you loved has failed to love you back, and they have caused you physical and mental pain. They don't understand your feelings, or they don't care how you feel. They can not help your feelings. You have to find the love for yourself. You must love yourself enough to realize that they can not be in your life until they have healed. You must love them enough to recognize their sickness, or you must recognize your own. If you have still failed to recognize your own sickness, how do you think that you can heal anyone else? | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 10:56:00 AM | All depends on you, your history and your psychology. Consider some counseling if ur ready.
ER | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 11:42:44 AM | You CAN find help that does not cost $200 an hour. Here are some non-profit organizations in BC that will be able to help you for free, or put you in contact with someone who can. Finding a sugar daddy or getting “drunk as skunk” is not the answer. The time to begin your recovery is NOW! My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best in the world, Sweety. 
http://www.comservice.bc.ca/ppd.htm
http://www.pssg.gov.bc.ca/victim_services/index.htm
http://www.vcn.bc.ca/isv/victims.htm | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 2:30:46 PM | | I agree with Frau. Now is the time to take control of your life. Self medicating only sends you into the depths of hell. But understand where you are coming from. You do have to do a lot of work, to get to happiness, and to be comfortable in your own skin. But it can be done. I've battled many things. But if you put forth the effort, do the work, you will overcome. It's very hard, I know, but you can do it. Just look what you have already survived. Don't make it any worse than what it is. Sugar daddy will probably put you right back where you were. Self medicating will only lead you into hell, and while you are there, you will probably put up with more abuse. Get out now. Go to the services that will help you. YOU are worth it, believe it or not. You are crying out for help, Frau has given you the information, take it. My heart goes out to you too. I hope you will get the help you need. Many have been there before you. Many are waiting to help you. Reach out. Overcome. You will be soooo happy with the end results. Guarantee it! | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 2:39:03 PM | Abuse is the ultimate form of betrayal. It took me 8 years to fully recover from the abusive relationship I was in for 9 years. Big Daddy is right, seek a support group, but more than that, do not try to get into another relationship until you have learned how to negotiate one properly and you have regained your self-respect and self-esteem. Otherwise you will repeat your mistakes.
I would also recommend some counseling and do some research on relationships in general. I don’t mean hand hold, tissue grabbing pity crap, I mean some real brass tacks down to earth solid research and reflection on the nature of the human animal. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 2:55:28 PM |
It is a terrible sicknees. He sounds like one of the obvious ones. There are so many "shadow abusers" that you just can't imagine the magnitude.
I came up with an expession that really fits the disease.
Domestic Abuse is an iceberg.
If you can spot it. You are on the Titanic. You can only see the 10% that shows above the water.
This good sir, is brilliantly put. Kudos. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 3:01:13 PM | lp1... I have read your posts and hope that I can give you some information that will get you started on the road to a better you... I understand where you are at in terms of your self esteem and confidence but I'm here to say that if you have reached what you feel is an all-time low, at least you know you have no further to fall. I am not sure of the details of what you have been through but some of what you say sounds like you may be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder.
There are 3 possible responses to suddenly being traumatized...Fight, flight or freeze. Most of us "freeze" and when that happens, our brains get "stuck". This is why we have nightmares and unremitting flashbacks where his face is constantly in front of us. I had nightmares of animals being devoured by other animals. Of course, the animal being "eaten alive" was me. I had flashbacks where his face was always "there".. in front of my eyes... It infuriated me because like you, I thought I should be able to just "get over it" and go on... This is a symptom of PTSD and many people who have suffered abuse simply don't realize that it isn't love that keeps them remembering him and unable to move him out of their brains. The brain gets frozen.. stuck if you will...
These people who abuse, do so for a number of reasons but one of the main ways that you became a target was because you had compassion for his issues and none for your own. While this is a sign of a survivor, it is also unacceptable for you to continue to play out the abuse you knew as a child by allowing someone to come in and use those horrors to continue to keep you frozen in helplessness. He did it because he knew he could and he counted on your putting up with it.
I want to say to you that your unwillingness to tolerate his abuse is a sign of your incredible strength and will to survive. You need to REALLY think about the survival tools you already have at your disposal from within yourself because they are the evidence that you have the knowledge that you don't deserve to be treated so badly and that you have "some" self-esteem.
I see that you are self-medicating. You need to stop. Booze is a downer and you need your fighting spirit to go through this next period of time so that you can get well and NEVER have to go through this again! Stop... gather your guts and prepare to do some work on getting well...
It looks like you have made an application through the Crime Victims Assistance Fund for funding for your counselling. This is an awesome program and I understand that it would be exceedingly rare for them to turn anyone down for counselling. If you haven't made this application, you need to do so within six months of the last incident. I think someone may have supplied you with this link but if not, here it is:
http://www.pssg.gov.bc.ca/victim_services/cva/
You may want to look into finding a therapist who specializes in EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) because I can tell you from experience, it's awesome and best of all, IT WORKS!! There is a lot of information on the net about it so just google it. I have now been in EMDR therapy for 3 months and I have gained so much peace and serenity since I started. I thank God for it.. I truly do...
Here is another organization that may be helpful to you:
STV Counselling Program / Community Based Victim Assistance Program
Surrey Women’s Centre Society
P.O. Box 33519 Central City, Surrey, BC V3T 5R5
Ph: 604-589-1868 ext 223 Fax: 604-589-2812
Email: sb (at) surreywomencentre.ca
Who will help you? ^^ They will but most of all, you will help you and you'll have all of the integrity that comes from being willing to fight the good fight for someone who deserves to be able to love, trust and live without fear.... YOU!
Let us know how you're doing and feel free to p.m. me if you need someone to talk to...
God bless you.... | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 3:14:29 PM | | Time heals wounds...forgiveness lets you let go and go on into a healthier type lifestyle. How long depends on how long it takes you to really truely forgive, then the past becomes history and I hope that the experience teaches you not to go down the path that will try to kill you again emotionally, physically, and Spiritually. I haven't read the other posts so please forgive if I repeat another person... | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 3:17:11 PM |
If the offender is still sick, and you forgive him, then you also sacrifice the offenders future. Forgive yourself first. Heal yourself first so that you will have a future to forgive those who deserve it.
1) I could give a rip about the offender's future; that is his responsibility, not mine.
2) I don't need you to tell me or anyone else how to proceed in their recovery. It is a very personal and private journey and not one that can be dictated by another's experience. You do what works for you and the rest of us get to do the same.
3) Forgiveness has nothing to do with whether the offender deserves it or whether they don't. People who have been subjected to abuse and are able to forgive (per the definition I posted earlier) sometimes find that it helps them let go of the past and move forward in their lives.
4) Forgiving an abuser has nothing to do with feeding an army. It isn't necessary for someone to say to their abuser, "I forgive you." It is an internal choice we make to give up the hope of a different or better yesterday. This does not have to be shared with the abuser, only with ourselves. Therefore, your assertion makes no sense and holds no water. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 4:30:06 PM |
1) I could give a rip about the offender's future
That does not represent any forgiveness, so we obvious have a disagreement in terms. I am sorry if you do not understand my definition of forgiveness, and I am equally sorry if others definitions do not meet your standards either. I am not here to be embarassed about the definitions of words, or to embarass others about them. Let's see what Webster has to say about it.
forgiveness : the act of forgiving
Well that doesn't really help us much, but we already know that it requires an action. Let's see what forgiving is.
forgiving
1 : willing or able to forgive
2 : allowing room for error or weakness
Still not much help. We seem to be moving closer. It looks like we would require a will or an ability to take an action. Maybe we can find out what we have a will to take an action upon.
1 a: to give up resentment of or claim to requital for b: to grant relief from payment of
2: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon
All right. I am not sure who won exactly, because I did not take and action that gave up resentment of the abuse I suffered. My wife passed away of a brain tumor, and I forgave the person for having such a terrible disease. I did not forgive the behavior.
I don't believe I will ever forgive that behavior, but if a person manages to heal themselves, and shows that they no longer willfully conduct themselves so poorly, I will forgive the person fot their past behavior. It sounds like you forgave yourself, and I have no complaint with that. You even quoted my urging you to forgive yourself exactly. I don't wish to split hairs over definitions or trifle over your perception. I know who you forgave.
4) Forgiving an abuser has nothing to do with feeding an army.
Forgiving yourself certainly doesn't, and I believe my assertion carries a lot more water than bucket full of holes. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 5:17:19 PM |
That does not represent any forgiveness
Maybe not in your world.
How's about if you stop playing this tit for tat game ok? You can use any definition you want and you can live your life any way you choose. Just don't try to shove your views down anyone else's throat. We all need to find our own way and that includes the OP.
If your wife's behavior was caused by a brain tumor, how could you possibly hold any resentment toward her? This is unbelievable to me. Her brain was damaged and not functioning normally, so to classify her behavior as willful is just wrong. Wrong and very ignorant.
I know who you forgave.
You know nothing. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 5:47:39 PM | AMEN to that one charle. I cannot believe he could even think of bringing his dead wife into this discussion. She was sick, my God I thought I had misread what he said.
I don't know what to think anymore. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/24/2008 6:48:08 PM | | You girls are allowed to be right. I know how to understand that. My wife was sick. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/29/2008 6:59:01 AM |
Domestic Violence is not something you "get over" it is something you survive
This has to be the best sentence I've ever heard! Very well put Molly! | |
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