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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:43:27 AM | For any kind of trauma, it takes about two years to heal. Unfortunately, women who are abused, usually attract the same types and are attracted to those types of men again and again unless they seek counselling. Abusive men are usually charming, and popular at work. They also lie easily and start by trying to change you in small ways. They make you feel inadequate and eventually make demands. I have been a social worker in the past and I have worked with abused women in shelters.
Counselling is a good idea. You will learn to set boundaries, which means setting limits on how you want to be treated. My guess is that you probably came from an abusive home where you got mixed signals from your parents. People who grow up in abusive homes can't tell what is abusive until the situation becomes extreme. One thing you have to learn is to trust your gut reaction to another person's behaviour. If you meet someone and they are making you feel inadequate deliberately, then you are heading into another abusive relationship. This can be done in sneaky ways. For instance, keeping tabs on your exercise, eating habits, and dressing habits. They might also compliment you when you do something they approve of and degrade you when you do something they don't approve of, or compare you to someone else. Once someone does this, tell them it is not acceptable and if they get angry, walk away and don't look back. Don't fight it out and insult them back and think that you are being strong by fighting it out - the fact is, the other person feels that they have a right to try and control you. Another sign is that they can be good to you for some time and then start insulting you and degrading you. An abuser will value you one minute and then devalue you the next.
Don't confuse pity with love. Some people are atttracted to people that share a similar painful history. This is not love. You cannot base a relationship on traumatic events. Since you are on POF, I'm thinking that you might be looking for comfort, since your so-called friends are not supporting you. One thing you can do is go to an al-anon meeting in your area and ask to sit in on the meetings. You will find similarities there and very supportive people who will not judge you and who are not going to take advantage of you while you are recovering from the abuse. You should also get some counselling. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:58:05 AM | I don't know if it ever really heals. Abuse is something that unless you have been through it can not understand. Many people will say just let it go, move on, find someone that will treat you right, and seek counseling; it's not that easy.
Not going into detail, but had an abusive relationship end over 15 yrs ago and still feel the effects of it today. Not in a negative way though, but in the fact that I will never allow myself to be dependent on a man and will never let a man control my life whether emotionally or physically. That mind set gave me the determination to make something better of my life. The healing process is different with all individuals. Talking to someone, a trusted friend or counselor will help during the rough times.
The worse thing to do is try and get back into a relationship too soon. It will end up one of 2 ways, either you will end up in another abusive relationship, or you will end up with a person that you feel will protect you that you really don't love, which is not fair to you or the other person. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:37:32 PM | Looking back on it I see some things that were being done were signs of controlling abusive behavior just failed to acknowledge them as that. I don't know it just seems to be tormenting more then I ever thought something could. I mean I carried his child at one point, I thought there would've been a tiny ounce of respect for at least that. Guess not. Makes you wonder how some go through life being as such. It also makes me wonder alot about myself. I guess the new journey of becoming me has started, just hope and pray it gets better for my own sanity, which I think scratch that which I know I've lost in some respects. Ah well, what can you do but try and muddle through life the best way known. Hopefully I will learn useful tools to be able to do that. HEaring other stories has helped but can't get over the loneliness, self pity, depression etc....
Is that letting him win? I don't know all I know the rollercoaster ride isn't over yet. I hope I can get a seatbelt that works better so I don't feel this HUGE void inside me for much longer. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 9/2/2008 7:51:14 PM | A month is not very long.
Here is a tiny, tiny bit of help in this bewildering journey.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans
It helped me understand myself and my ex-partner. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 9/2/2008 9:46:36 PM |
HEaring other stories has helped but can't get over the loneliness, self pity, depression etc....
Is that letting him win?I don't know all I know the rollercoaster ride isn't over yet. I hope I can get a seatbelt that works better so I don't feel this HUGE void inside me for much longer. No.. feeling the pain and working your way through it is not letting him win, quite the contrary.. the more you self medicate and use other unhealthy ways to "fill the void" (and in the process avoid dealing with your feelings).. the more his legacy lives on .. you perpetuate the cycle by abusing yourself.
I understand that counseling can sometimes be expensive and it is not always easy to find a good fit, but it is definately worth the effort when you are feeling as overwhelmed as you are. Your father is dying, you have been abused, have not dealt with the emotional ramifications of having had an abortion and you have also mentioned painful childhood experiences... that is an ovewheliming amount to be dealing with and it is obviously exceeding your ability to cope. So make some phone calls, do research for what is available in your area.. trust me, it exists, you just have to want it...
There is also a TON of information online about how to heal from abusive relationships, many books written on the topic.. talking to us here is good.. but there is more you can do.. taking the risk to step outside of your comfort zone to admit you need help and to build healthy (platonic) relationships with others will be a massive step on your journey to healing...
And.. are you spiritual at all? I ask this because I went to counseling, read self help books (till I wanted to puke, lol) felt my feelings, etc.. but if I had to credit only ONE thing that healed me from my past... that would most definately be my spirituality.
Anyway, if you need someone to vent to.. I am a psych nurse as well as someone who understands what healing from abuse feels like... so feel free to write  | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 9/3/2008 12:32:28 AM | | hey ip.. it's been 21 years since first time and 12 years since the last hate to say it but you never get over it. it lives with you every day. every man you meet every time you put yourself out there.but remember this, learn the lesson, never let anyone do that to you again. you can break the pattern.you never get over it and that's a good thing, it helps you become stronger... although i say you never forget you do however move on and the pain of now eases. trust me.... | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 9/12/2008 7:54:44 PM | so ex got a lawyer pleaded NOT guilty!! couple wks court date to set up a trial date....which means ill be testifying...at some point
how on god's green earth does someone plead not guilty? oh yay! for having to recant it all in court!!!! 
guess it shows that his behavior in his mind was acceptable and it was deserved? or perhaps he'd like to see me again in some sick way....either way if he's found not guilty he'll get what he deserves...i promise that! grrrr | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 4/18/2009 7:35:43 AM | | I think this is so common that every woman experiences it at some point. Mine occurred about 15 years ago and it was not physical but mental. Everytime that I tried to break up he'd manipulate me into staying with him. Every girlfriend that I had told me to leave him - he had me convinced that no one else would want me or go out with me. I had enough and told him I knew for a fact that there were plenty of men that would be proud to be seen with me on their arm. I was right. Abuse is kinda sneaky - I'm in that situation before I know it and no one wants that relationship - it's unfortunately, all too common. Hang in there and just remember - we all deserve respect and we have to learn to love ourselves enough to leave abusive relationships. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 4/18/2009 8:10:09 AM | I`ve dated quite a bit (not afraid to say so) and I also think that the 20 to 40 percent ratio, from my experience is about right, sorry to say. I think abuse is probably the most covered up issue in relationships. Most women do cover it up because you will be looked upon as damaged goods. But the truth of the matter is, if you talk to any older experienced woman who has been out there, she has at one point run into it. So if you date 10 different guys, between 2 and 4 of them will either degrade you, curse at you, try to make your life hell, or hit you. It`s just part of being men, too much testosterone and they are 1/2 crazy? I think meds should be required. But the problem is most aren`t reported.
I have been sworn at, controlled, hit, ( by a police detective and a psychologist) was afraid to report it, and they went on with their white collar power positions to do it to more women. My dad was an abuser in all aspects, my ex husband etc. I hate to tell you this, but with men, it is pretty normal. Most of the guys I have dated have NOT been this way and have been fine, but it is a numbers game. If you meet alot of men, you will meet alot of abusers. It`s NOT YOU. It`s the nature of men. Don`t forget that and don`t listen to people that say you want it or you are doing something wrong to attract that. That is BS.
The main thing is to realize that a whole lot of men are sick f*cks, grow a really tough hide, and educate yourself on the warning signs. You don`t have to put up with it, and you can usually see it coming and see the red flags on the first few dates, if you know what to look for.
I personally have had no more incidents that I would call abusive for 5 years now. I know what to look for in a personality, and the slightest little hint will have me packing.
I watch for it like a hawk because I do know that a very high percent of the male species is very capable of being abusive, and I don`t want any more of that bullsh*t in my life. I am a nice person and don`t deserve it, and am not going to put up with even the slightest infraction. And I tell them right up front. No head games, no cursing at me , no hitting me. Those are the rules. They look at me like I am crazy, but at least they know right up front, if you are one of the sick f*cks, stay away from me, I`m not dealing with it.Educate and empower yourself and then it will not happen any more.
There is a ton of info free online on abusive relationships, narcissistic disorder, warning signs, etc. READ, READ, READ. Once you understand the dynamics of abusers, your personality, how it relates, and how to avoid it, your life will change.
Counciling defintely helps. but use that online info. It has been so helpful to me, and free. There is so much info out there to help you right at your fingertips. You have the power to stop it . Just use your "google"
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 4/19/2009 10:33:55 AM | you really need to go to therapy, because he is gone, but you are still open to accept someone else like that. it starts subtle like you said, you don't see it growing until you are in love or married.
have you found out why you are attracted to men like that yet? until you find this out, it may happen over and over again. when you discover what the attraction is, and why you stayed for the length of time you did, then you are ready to and open to try again. that is an individual thing, no time length my dear..:)
be kind to yourself and give yourself credit for seeing it and leaving it. your first step was not the hardest, finding out why you are attracted to this is the hardest. it is painful, brings out all kinds of pain and past stuff. you do not need a history of abuse either. usually the common denominator is self worth.
take care of "you". | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:06:49 PM | | There is no set time as to how long it takes to heal from an abusive relationship. The best you can do is move on and keep going forward. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 11/13/2009 7:51:41 PM | First, yes its hard to get over, it takes time, egt counsling, do something for your self, get a massage, go to the gym to work out,take a class in community college.These things should make you feel better.
I hate to say this , these experiences will be with you for the rest of your life. Its how you handle it will determine if you are a victim and or a survior. Be thankful you are alive an he did not kill you. Abusers abuse their partners whether it would be physical, verbal, or controlling because they are insecure and they do not like themselves.
.Your ex abuser is the one with the promblem, not you. Its not your fault. First, you must forgive your self for allowing it to happen because if you do not then you will not heal. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:04:01 PM | | To heal, thats up to you. Whats important here is that you understand any form of abuse is not to be tolerate. | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:08:07 PM | | edit: Already replied to this thread and just repeated myself! Brain fog! | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 11/13/2009 8:48:57 PM | The saying 'time heals everything' is the bitter truth.
Typically it all depends on the length of your relationship and the depth of the abuse and how affected by it you were.
To speed up the process all depends on YOU. Do you acknowledge that you have work to do within your own self? If so I highly recommend the book "The Language of letting go" by Melody Beattie this will be your bible on the road of recovery and acclaiming your independence!! | |
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| abusive relationship
Posted: 11/13/2009 9:23:24 PM | OP:
I was in an abusive relationship with a woman for a short period of time, and that was a few years ago. For at least 3 months after, I would wake up with a sore jaw, having clenched my teeth in my sleep, I was also grinding them.
I had begun to believe that I had a problem, when increasing demands were placed on me, and the verbal abuse heaped. I worked 3 jobs to pay for everything. ( she could not work due to a car accident ) One full time job and two part time jobs. These people are very manipulative, and know how to 'kneed' you, and twist your mind. They know what to say to turn everyone against you, and often have jekyl and hyde personalities.
Say good things about a person to their face, but as soon as their back is turned, they are badmouthing their friends, etc. They often blame everyone else but themselves for their position in life.
All I can say is that you will have to do some soul searching, and councelling is a good idea. It will take a long time for you to heal, but you will never forget what happened.
People that haven't experienced it will not even begin to understand the scope of the impact abuse has on a person.... the psychologial scars are lasting. In all honesty, I feel that emotional abuse and verbal abuse have more lasting effects than physical abuse.
Love yourself, and forget about forming any other relationships until you 'feel' ready to accept someone into your life again. This may take years.
There is far too much anger in this world, is it too much to ask to just all get along?
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