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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:51:49 AM | I recently had this conversation with my ex. He ended our relationship and moved onto a new one rather quickly. We lost touch with one another, but after 6 mo of no contact, he messaged me. He alluded to problems with his new relationship, but "out of respect for her" wouldn't go into details. I asked him point blank if he was happy and after a long hesitation he said he was content. I said that wasn't the same thing. He agreed.
I tried thinking about it in terms other then dating/romance/sex.. home, job, etc. I'd still rather be happy then content. Content to me means you have settled for something less then you want/deserve. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 11:11:30 AM | Geez, since when is content a bad word. I was lazy and used an online dictionary but the first definition of content as an adjective is this: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else. Isn't this too the state we equate with happiness? Wanting nothing more or less than what we have today because it is really kewl.
When I think of my kids, I picture some day just being able to be content with them as people, I have done my job, I have moved on to something more akin to friendship as they are adults, and my identity is no longer enmeshed in them from the standpoint that if they fuk up, it is on them. I can merely enjoy them and don't have to feel so gutted if they do something and I feel I have to take any ownership of their choices because they are children and have learned from me. Even in their failures, at that point you have the ability to appreciate the way they handle their mistakes. That sounds so wayyy much better and a happier me than I am today constantly butting heads with two teenagers and a nine-year-old who thinks he is thirty, the pressure of hoping that you are giving them the adequate tools to allow them to be happy and content people as adults.
I don't think you can be content and be unhappy but I also do not expect a life that is joy heaped upon joy. I think you would be unhappy in that situation because you would not recognize what you have and thinking that there should be more, what should make you happy no longer does.
If I am content, I would probably experience both joy and sadness and in between, hopefully live a fairly dramaless life. This is a bad thing? To me, this is someone that you are just comfortable being with, you do not have to be or try to be what he/she wants, you are both comfortable in your own skin and love each other just the way you are, faults and all. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 11:27:17 AM |
A life with risk on a regular basis, but for the most part, you experience true happiness. It's a state of being. Of course, there's always the risk that it could all go away, and then you would be very unhappy. Before you answer, try to think of the two scenarios in not just the dating/romance/sex context. Think of it in a work context, a housing context, whatever context you'd like, and see if the answer is the same.
I have already chosen the second option.....however it has to do with housing, work, lifestyle, etc. I have risked everything, in this context, and continue to risk it pretty much on a daily basis, but it has been well worth it, well worth it. The depth of my happiness with my current lifestyle is difficult to convey; in the simplest terms, as I have said before, I am living my dreams.
Risking in the dating/romance/sex context has not been an issue because I have not, for a long time, made it an issue--not for fear of risking getting hurt, in fact never even thought of it that way...but for other reasons. The idea, now that I do think about it, of getting hurt is certainly not appealing. I think the risk and risks I have taken with the rest of my life are far less frightening because the possibility of hurt is of a very different kind.
However, I definitely feel there is something missing and something worth having and am not really afraid of taking the necessary risks to have it...it's more a matter of finding someone who appeals to me and to whom I appeal as well. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 11:30:23 AM | Feelings, which would include happiness, contentedness, even sadness and guilt are self-generated.
I am happy. I am content with who I am. This does not mean I am going to stagnate as I believe I am a constant work in progress.
Bottom line is: we can choose to be content or happy, or we can choose not to be.
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 11:48:06 AM | I've actually had this conversation with my current SO. It was early on in our relationship and we were talking about how nice it was to find someone with whom we could be so comfortable. In the context of that conversation we agreed that at our age, being comfortable (content) was preferable to the rollercoaster ride of 'head over heels' etc. Since that conversation (and partially because of it) I find myself more and more 'head over heels' every day. Nothing makes me feel more content than when my SO brings up an issue - before it becomes and issue. Life is just so good - and gets better all the time. Yes, I am happy. Yes I am content. Oddly enough, I had resigned myself to 'settling' for being content... and got what I really wanted all along. Isn't life amazing?  | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 11:58:24 AM |
I've actually had this conversation with my current SO. It was early on in our relationship and we were talking about how nice it was to find someone with whom we could be so comfortable. In the context of that conversation we agreed that at our age, being comfortable (content) was preferable to the rollercoaster ride of 'head over heels' etc. Since that conversation (and partially because of it) I find myself more and more 'head over heels' every day. Nothing makes me feel more content than when my SO brings up an issue - before it becomes and issue. Life is just so good - and gets better all the time. Yes, I am happy. Yes I am content. Oddly enough, I had resigned myself to 'settling' for being content... and got what I really wanted all along. Isn't life amazing?  | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:01:19 PM | ummm, OP
"Content" is a state of being; "happy" is an emotion. You can live a life with both. It doesn't have to be one or the other. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 12:05:41 PM | | I have often said that most people would say they are happy if you ask them, only because they are not unhappy...big difference! I see this question as "settling" also...content is nice and quiet and safe - but the joy likes in happiness. Trying desperately not to settle...but it would be sooooooo easy!!! | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:11:44 PM | No risk, no reward I always say.
Content to me has always been accepting that you settled. You may not have the ideal situation, but you're content that you're no longer single.
Happy to me has been when you find the ideal situation. You have a risk worth the reward. Every day is a new approach to an age old question. You haven't settled on anything, and you know that in the back of your mind. If it ended tomorrow, you'd still be ok because at least you took a risk.
Settling for me will never be an option. I'd rather be single than settle just for the sake of being with someone. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 1:13:00 PM | | OP, what if you're content with taking risks? | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:33:07 PM | It's not a matter of choosing to settle on somebody that doesn't light my fire.
I spent the last year alone, partially to see how happy/unhappy I would be. I ended up in the middle zone I'm labeling as "content." There was zero drama, which was nice, but the highs weren't that high and the lows weren't that low. It was definitely a safe place to be. Yeah sure, I was "content" - I was free of unhappiness. But was I "happy?" Uh, no, I wouldn't go that far. It was safe. It was vanilla. It was a Barry-Manilow-in-the-background type of existence.
Then I started dating again. For the first month, I couldn't believe what I had been missing! I had forgotten how much fun it could be. Then I got dumped, and I remembered how bad it could hurt. And it occurred to me that dating is risky. Crap - I don't do well with risk. Since then, things have been good, but I'm still not comfortable with the risk.
So I'm wondering if it's just easier to chuck the whole dating idea again. I mean, "content" wasn't THAT bad, was it?
But I realized something in the shower today - I've stacked the deck against myself by discussing this here. OF COURSE everyone here wants to go for it and find happy. That's why we're still here. All of the content-camp folks are doing something else right now.
And I agree with the fact that you can't be happy if you're not content. I think content is a major milestone on your way to happy. At least you know you're out of unhappyville. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 3:03:17 PM | I prefer suffering.
Hehehe.
Let me explain.
These emotions you speak of are in your mind. They are illusions that we create in our life to satisfy a sense of ego.
What does make you happy? Material things, the pursue of them. The adoration of your peers, others?
So I will start with accepting that life is suffering, life is also temporal, and the inevitability is that you are not going to get all the things you want. Think. I want an airplane and a woman in it to give me a bj. Hmmm. It ain't going to happen. So, should I be sad. No. So when you get what you want, think of it as a gift. A gift from God, a gift of good Karma, a gift of good deeds. But life also will stop providing something that you already had. So should I be unhappy again? No. I need to realize that life is in motion, that nothing is permanent and when those gifts of life stop, it is time to grow and become something else and thank the universe for allowing you the opportunity to change.
I say I prefer suffering because I am also a cyclist, and in our sport we learn that through the suffering you find tremendous strength and energy. As you get physically stronger you also get mentally stronger, and you pursue a higher intensity of activity, you up the ante. So you suffer again, and again, and embrace that process and find that happiness there. In a different metaphor. When I started cycling I used to say, I hate hills, I hate mountains, its a lot of work and you go so slow and are out of breath and can get sick, pucke and pass out. I hate them. Then one day I went to the mountains with climbers, and they told me to find my own pace, to find the center of my being. Don't compete with them, but with my own self. So I did. And I felt in love with mountains. And whenever I saw the very thing I hated, a hill, a climb, now I said "bring it on" "give it to me baby" and each one of those challenges, each one of those chances to suffer, to take it to the limit, to not allow mediocrity or preconceive notions to stop you from doing anything, climbing a mountain, jumping off a cliff, saying hello the woman/man you otherwise felt intimidated to speak to, it all becomes a mirage. In your mind you can do anything, because you embrace what is giving to you. And there is where you find happiness. Like some indian said in some movie before going to battle.
It's a good day to die.
So live like it's your last. Ride like you stole it. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 3:07:45 PM | I'm already content...so I'll take Happy for 500 please...  | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 4:30:46 PM | OutMind is quite brilliant today, as he is most days, possibly just more eloquent, but the important part of his post is that he went through a change in mindset before he was ready to embrace the challenges of opening himself up to risk (I like motorized vehicles, paved roads, and the lodges they have on mountains).
So, you ventured back into dating and you found out that it was uncomfortable enough for you to consider living what you call a vanilla life, which would be kewl for me because I like vanilla, but I digress. So you learned how to be comfortable with yourself, to be content during that sitting out year but did you grow as a person? Did you engage in introspection, figure out who and what the hell you were about before you plunged back into the pond?
I don't think you were content I think you were in a psychological coma and there is a big difference. Putting yourself in a place to not feel any pain is not the same as being content, it is as another indicated, an absence of unhappiness; which in my mind doesn't equal content or happy.
Take some more time off and figure out yourself and I suspect that the next time, you may recognize that it is a risk but because you know what you want and that you will be okay, happy and content by yourself if you don't find it, everything will gel and you will snag a great guy. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 4:43:37 PM | | Theres a fine line between what you're asking. With risk comes failure and without feeling like you're achieving something, what are you really accomplishing? If you feel like there is better out there, go for it. You only live life once and if you're not truly happy its being wasted. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 4:51:22 PM | Too limiting of choices, so I choose none of the above.
My happiness in life is not dependent on a relationship, nor is it defined by another human being. They can add to it, but they don't control it. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:22:13 PM | For me personally, i'm not a huge risk-taker..it takes very little to make me happy and/or content.And I get this from within mostly not from outside sources.Life is not a bowl of cherries..most people chase the dream..play the lottery..and say..'if only' i had this or that..i would be happy..thats all a bunch of b.s. IMO.
i'm not sure exactly where you're coming from or what particualr scenario you're thinking of...whether its a marriage thats gone stale..or the excitement of a new fling??
Most people revolve their happiness around money..its a biggie..money allows you to do things. I do set goals but they are realistic and within reach, albeit i do have to work hard to reach them..Some people need 'the juice' that carrot at the end of the stick to motivate them..i do not.I am content, but that doesnt mean i give up goals or aspirations to better myself, capish?/Most people want everything given to them..they are not willing to put in the time and effort and hard work that it takes to become happy/content. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 5:47:17 PM | I am not sure of what the question really is here because it is very abstract.
However I can tell you that there are moments at least in my life where I have been incredibly happy and incredibly sad. I think it is true that you can never really know what you miss until its gone. Sometimes the things you miss are the simple ones when you were absolutely content.
I can tell you though that when you look back for defining moments in your life they were the ones that were quite simple that made you incredibly happy.
For instance a 2 year olds face that lights up when you walk in the door and that same 2 year old telling you that they love you. Sleeping with a bunch of puppies, the look on your daughters face when you realize she is in "love " for the first time, a random act of kindness from a complete stranger at a time when you desparately need it.
If you are thinking that life has to be the fourth of july to make you "really" happy you are going to miss all the "really good moments".
DONT MISS THE SHOW WAITING FOR FINAL ACT. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:14:30 PM | I found this talk to be an interesting commentary on happiness
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/martin_seligman_on_the_state_of_psychology.html
I get all my TED videos using miro (getmiro.com) which has replaced my TV.
BTW. "right on" OutMind - great advice. The suffering is also the facing of fears (fear being the polar opposite of love). Here's a profound snippet from one of my favourite films
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vFUqcoeTvg
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:55:39 PM | Great video! (Well, the first one, I haven't watched the second one yet.)
Having been through years of therapy and group sessions, I can tell you that psychologists ARE much better at getting you to "zero" (what I labeled "content") than they are in helping you to become happy. When you've got a problem, they have develped lists of coping skills and things for you to work on. But when you want to change something for the better, or get better at something, progress slows a LOT.
BTW, I took the Happiness Test (because I put a lot of faith in Internet surveys that tell you stuff about yourself  ) and I scored a 3.17 out of 5. So does that mean I'm only 63.4% happy? At least I'm right in that neutral zone I described earlier.
You know, one thing that I've discovered is that therapy can't make you happy. It can make you freakishly self-aware, but even that doesn't make you happy. But at least I'm perfectly aware of just how moderately happy I am. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:59:37 PM | | I was content and then I divorced him.. now I'm HAPPY ! | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:03:08 PM |
Questions like this make no sense.
Particularly when the OP isn't giving any context. Why so coy, OP? Say what you mean so we have something we can sink our virtual teeth into. I don't do hypotheticals and the way you've phrased your question, it's rhetorical to me. | |
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:30:06 PM | "I scored a 3.17 out of 5. So does that mean I'm only 63.4% happy?"
Ha ha, yeah now all we need is to find you a guy who is at least 1.83 out of 5 so that you guys can both pool your happiness together to collaborate on a 5 out of 5 result ;)
Isn't life/happiness simple?
-- NOT --
"You know, one thing that I've discovered is that therapy can't make you happy. It can make you freakishly self-aware ..."
I think happiness is somehow related (in a non-linear, non-measurable way) to how much freedom you have. The freedom you have is a measure of your choices. AWARENESS is a precursor to choice. Of course having lots of choices doesn't necessarily make you happy, but it's a start. In other words, if therapy gives you awareness, then it's a good start. The rest is up to what choices you make as a result.
I think a problem we often have is what some people refer to is "being in the mind" all the time, or simply put - too much "thinking" (or rationalisation). I tend to be that way. I was a programmer for 10 years so I have very analytical tendencies. Sometimes being informatic about something can mean that you will *know* (in an experiential sense) it less. For example, a person can know (have all the *information*) all about the anatomy and psychology of an orgasm but never experience one themselves. Sometimes being in the mind about something is the cause of you not being able to experience it. EXPERIENCING pleasure, love, joy, fulfilment definitely requires you to be able to get out of your mind. Then again, I don't know that being out of your mind is going to guarantee happiness.
I also believe you can't experience the pleasure without having experienced the pain. The pain gives the pleasure it's meaning, it's value, it's existence. Having said that, there is no need to seek out pain randomly or destructively (out of guilt), but you can use your power of choice to choose your pain/pleasure paradigm as OutMind has so mindfully articulated ;)
""Questions like this make no sense.""
"Particularly when the OP isn't giving any context."
It's a broad issue that is open to interpretation. If you provide too much context, then you limit feedback that the question invites. Also, there is no requirement for a question to make sense. It simply beckons a response.
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| Content vs. happy
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:49:16 PM | Well for me here goes. Damn it in life you get the hell kicked out of you. Maybe for only of us that has had a life well led. If you choose to sit in the bleachers you can always be safe. If you choose to carry the ball then get ready to the hell kicked out of you.
I, for a long time, chose to carry the ball, and run through life. And hell yeah did I win some, but I also got the hell kicked out of. Know what, until you choose to live it you won't know it. So for a while do I sit back, yes. WIll that always be the case, I hope not. | |
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