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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:46:42 PM | | Well I will say one thing OP, I've been on many threads like this and seen many women with the same kind of question, and they've all ignored all the answers they didn't want to hear just like you have, but you have maintained more of an air of dignity and politeness than most of them, and despite having been prepared to get to know this guy when he was married (which is usually a sign of desperacy to most of us, and whether you see it or not, I would imagine he does) I think you are a genuinely good meaning person, so I really do hope you drop this guy and find a man who really deserves you. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 2:54:57 PM |
If i was a willing participant with the sex then i dont see where he is using me
I would agree except for one point.. your Subject line in this thread.. you want a future with him.
You are allowing him to use you if you have hopes for something in the future. If you were as cut and dried as he is about the whole deal then you would realize a future with him is doubtful and either continue or break it off depending on what you deemed was important to you.
Now if I were in your shoes.. here is what I would do.. keep the FWB relationship going.. he's safe you aren't gonna marry him.. thus you won't be making any mistakes.. but I would keep on looking for a man who wants to settle down with a woman.
So, in a nutshell, use him for sex.. but date around.. meet other guys.. till you find someone you like better. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 3:04:21 PM |
Now if I were in your shoes.. here is what I would do.. keep the FWB relationship going.. he's safe you aren't gonna marry him.. thus you won't be making any mistakes.. but I would keep on looking for a man who wants to settle down with a woman.
So, in a nutshell, use him for sex.. but date around.. meet other guys.. till you find someone you like better.
Whether she says it or not, the Op can't associate with this guy in a causual way because she is already hooked on him! The only way she can sort this situation out is to get away from him altogether and fill her mind with thoughts of other things. While ever she is with him she will just keep holding onto the fantasy. Gad, I think I must be getting a bit too passionate about this thread. I think I'll go now before I start reaching for the tissues   | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 3:23:21 PM | | actually OP i have been in a similar situation several times and believe me it NEVER ends well, at least not for the woman involved. you'd be smart to listen to the advice being offered from the good people on this board. nothing good will come of this, you will end up hurt and heartbroken, trust me. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 8:32:04 PM |
As for him dating someone else besides me i doubt that very much and i know that for a fact because if he was to date anyone else then why not just come out in public and say something about me ? You make it sound like he doesn't like me and u don't know crap about his feelings for me.
I don't assume he doesn't like you. He probably really cares for you and appreciates the support, friendship, and other benefits you are offering. Sadly, it's the nature of rebound relationships, not the nature of the man, that is probably going to determine the out come. I'm not saying that it will never be more than what it is right now, just that there is a very real possibility that it will go the route of most rebounds. For your own sake, take some time and Google "rebound relationships". Fore warned is fore armed.
One more thing, please be careful dating other people if you're still keeping the door open for this guy. There's a good chance you may get hurt and that's your risk to take, but please don't drag some poor unsuspecting guy into the situation until you are sure you are ready to let go of the first one. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:09:29 PM | | Why come here & ask for people's opinions if all you're going to do is try to prove to us what a great guy he is & what a great relationship you have or could have (in your fantasy life) as the above poster said why are you on here looking for more guys if you're still waiting for him? If you start going out with someone else are you just going to dump them if he calls? Maybe you don't need any men right now. Just a thought. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 9:53:40 PM | | because people are people and i've seen the SAME thing happen on every message board. people ask for advice but really do NOT want to hear anything you say as they will still do what they want. they want you to tell them that they are right. why post in the first place if they really don't want your advice?? makes no sense to me but i usually don't air my dirty laundry in public. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:18:44 PM | | cuteazabutton, I only scanned some of the responses and paid attention to your post, I agree with majority of people who are saying, you have your hopes up, but I don't think you will find with him what you are looking for. Also, you are kind of bargaining right now, sure you could keep being friends with him, or being FWB...but in reality this is not satisfying situation for you. I am not suggesting what should be but the sense I am getting is that it is not satisfying relationship for you. You do not want FWB or friendship with him, you sure do talk with him over the phone for hours, or 3 hours I think you said.... do you talk to other friends over the phone for such length of time. My take on this is, that at this moment you are not ready yet to let him go,... so you are prolonging the agony, until you will get ready. It will happen eventually, because it is the course of life, sex with your friend, is not fulfilling you... while it may for the moment... there is emptiness and void after, that the longer you continue you will feel more pain. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:25:17 PM | you guys sneak around y do you do that ... that don't make no sense ... i thought he was getting rid of his wife so y would you have to sneak around? .... and it is a normal thing to want to spend more time with him with out sneaking around what women likes to sneak around with the guy she likes like that ... it hurts when that is going on ... tell him that you don't like the sneaking around if it don't change then drop him honey  | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/13/2008 10:33:29 PM | I was going to write a lofty post about how your making a big mistake, then I came across this previous post. Which summed things up to nicely I couldn't elaborate on it. So, here it is again.
I hope OP that you read this again and take it to heart.
More excuses OP for a man who is unreliable. You are hooked, and you can't even see it. You're asking for advice, then you're ignoring it because you don't want to know the truth, you just want someone to tell you he will eventually feel for you the way you do for him, and it isn't going to happen
Good Luck
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/14/2008 4:57:44 AM | human emotions are rarely black and white, it is hard to make judgement based on limited information. based on what OP mentioned, the man is not a bad guy, he didn't cheat on his ex-wife because they only had sex after he left and moved out from his marital home. also he has been honest with OP all along, he does not project or imply there may be a future or love.
it is understandable that he does not want his families and friends know about his relationship with OP, because the divorce paper was just filed, he doesn't want rumours that may upset the families. also he told OP that he is not looking for any girlfriend at the moment, because he just came out from a broken marriage, he may be emotionally exhausted, he needs time to rest and heal. he is unable to fulfil the emotional demand of a new girlfriend. based on these, i think he is a decent and responsible man.
OP gave him plenty of support during his hardest time, he finds his peace and trust in you. the friendship is genuine regardless what may happen in future. sex is just a physical need that happened. he does not seem to go after OP only for sex, he seems to want companionship too.
rebounced relationship carried a negative reputation, however, it has to be put into context, i.e. the personalities and circumstances involved. i have seen many rebounced relationships turned into happy marriages/ relationships. although it is lesser in number, it happens.
in this specific case, everything is still very raw and difficult to predict. the only concern here is OP maybe carried away by your heart. not sure if it is a good idea to talk to him about future and feelings right now, he is not ready for that. if you think you can handle the situation, just relax and enjoy whatever relationship you may have with him. just be a bit less selfless and always protect yourself first, you will be fine, good luck. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/14/2008 5:08:39 AM | I think he already stated what it is that he wants....and apparently got what he wanted too.
and, you are magically thinking that he will change his mind and morph into what you want him to be 'after' the divorce is final, yes? Well, after his third marriage, he is probably looking for a little 'FReedom', is what i think.
of course, you have a man who likes to talk on the phone, so that's a good thing.
and Friend with Benefits, which can work. I always thought that separately , they are good words. Friends: good word Benefits: another good word.
But, after the thrill is gone, you're still feeling like you want more....and is he willing to give it.? No one can answer for you what is right for you.
So, let's review.......as it stands, you got a f@ck buddy, and a good phone talker. If that's enough to sustain your needs for now, then, you are not fooling yourself.
cheers
Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/14/2008 5:25:00 AM | | Married wife 3 because wife 2 died, now he is pursuing you because his marriage is failing with wife# 3???? You are way too concerned with being out in public and meeting the families, so obviously all the sneaking around is not feeling so good to you. You want a proper relationship with a man, he will not be able to give to you for probably at least a year. Are you OK with being his gal on the side until then? This man has children and he's trying to protect their feelings, what does that tell you? That daddies going from one relationship to another is bad. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:02:56 AM | Well ive read all the recent posts since my last posting yesterday and I know you are all looking out for me, which i appreciate. I know u all seem to think that i ignored most of your posts and trust me i didnt, i read each and everyone some of them even twice.
I can answer my own question and say YES i am fooling myself because now that i think about it, there probably wont be anymore sex now that he's moved his kids in his home. Once school starts he could possibly call me on his lunch hour for a quickie but im not the type that can do something like that in a hurry. So i will probably be turning him down if he does call.
Just so u all know i do have a few other potential men that i can date, one actually is from this site and from where i live, so we'll see what happens when he responds back to my message that i replied back to him.
PAMPERPOOCH hope i spelled that right, if youre reading this i hope i wasnt too harsh on you and i did appreciate the things u had to say even though u dont believe me. Thanks for looking out for me.  | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/14/2008 9:33:47 AM | I couldn't resist coming back to this thread cuteazabutton, and all I can say is hallelujah! I really do hope you forget about him and move on to someone more worthy of the love you have to give him. I didn't think you were harsh at all, just sometimes I can appear a little harsh when I try to get my point across, but I genuinely think you deserve a decent man despite your mistakes and I wish you all the best in the future  | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/14/2008 12:07:08 PM | | Good for you! It's always so much harder to see things clearly when you are in the middle of it, but I'm glad you are starting to. Good luck in the future and remember to never settle for less than what you want from a relationship, compromise sure, but do not lose site of your true needs. | |
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| Am I fooling myself that he'll ever want anything more serious in the future?
Posted: 8/14/2008 5:14:15 PM | | I had someone that I cared very much for and he told me from the very beginning there would never be anything serious between us. My best friend gave me the best advice.....take him at his word. Do not "read between the lines" or assume that things are changing because he acts differently from time to time. Take him at his word, if he says it will never happen, it will never happen. | |
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