| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/15/2008 8:56:12 AM | unless you are an abuser yourself..then why would you care if abusers grew old alone??
One can only be victum to an abuser if they allow it to happen. In my own opinion, as we get older and wiser..we are more conditioned to not let an abuser into our lives. If we do and put up with it..then it is our own damn faults!! | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/15/2008 11:11:30 AM | | My abuser ended up dead. No I didn't kill him. His last words according to his then wife were, My name is never going to take me back. He then shot himself in the head with a 45. He was a very sick man. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/15/2008 12:44:56 PM | | wowsad - get your fact straights and read up on stockholm syndrome . The problem with people who abuse others they believe what they do is for the good of others and that they believe they are perfectly right in their behaviour and everything they do ! ( a bit like your post - a know it all ) | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/15/2008 12:57:45 PM | My ex-wife is a master at mental abuse, manipulation and control. She continues her actions with my daughter. My daughter complains constantly.
My ex-wife is getting married again. She is not alone. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/15/2008 1:09:52 PM | Coming from experience ..you are a victim once and then you become part of the problem...fear keeps you there ..hopefully you wake up and get out sooner rather than later...
As far as the abuser ,mine is married ,I believe they surround themselves with people but inside they are alone and miserable.. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:03:01 AM | | yes instantkarma620 with mental abuse the abuser's goal is to break you down, to make you feel worthless so you are totally dependant and obedient to them and it's not an overnight thing..it starts out with small put downs and gradually worsens and is more often over time.as i had mentioned b4,in a lot of cases, more often then not it escalates into physical abuse.mental abuse is often more damaging over time as it can make one feel worthless. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:06:47 AM | Sadly, most abusers are rarely single. They are what they are and their victims are often as guilty in terms of their compliance.
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:20:32 AM | I think Breath~ nailed it in message #4. The abuser can pick up on subtle clues of the victim's mentality. It may take the abuser many tries to find a relationship that sticks.
To the posters who don't think emotional abuse exists, as a victim of it, I know it is a sad and real result of that persons early environment (and reinforced - NOT caused - by that persons genetics, personality is greatly influenced by genetics IME). | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/16/2008 6:20:40 AM | I wanted to add, my abuser is marrying his adultery partner in Jan. She is supposedly a victim of physical abuse in the marriage she cheated her way out of. What a perfect pair! I'd laugh if it wasn't so horrible.
I believe he cheated on me and left because he could never break my spirit. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:22:31 AM | | My ex son in law goes from one lady to another. They at first find him very charming. then once they are hooked he lets them see the real abuser. He does not have a good relationship with his daughter . She is 17 now and is afraid of him herself. He also had no contact with another daughter he had . She went looking for him. Found him ! Then regretted knowing him.. So i think he will end up alone later in life. He has went through lots of ladies since my daughter. I think as we get older ?? Ladies will put up with less . BTW he is a dead beat dad | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:27:10 AM | Whether an abusive person winds up alone depends on whether he is ever willing to own up to what and who he is and get help so that he can change his behaviors.
And yes, they keep going through people until they find someone that is willing to be their victim. Abusers don't smack you on the first date, most are charming, make a woman feel wonderful, wait until she has deep feelings and he has already isolated her from family and friends, and then the abuse starts so that it takes X amount of time for her to extricate herself from the situation.
Abusers can change but they have to want to. Since most blame everyone but themselves for all of their problems in their lives, they don't do the work necessary to change, instead keep looking for someone that will make them happy. They don't understand that happiness is from within and that people you love should be cherished and protected, not hit when they 'do something wrong,' like breathing.
Traveling Mel makes a good point. My X is also verbally and emotionally abusive and to date as far as we know, has not dated anyone. My daughter believes he will wind up alone because in her words, 'no one is going to put up with his shit.' Of course, he can be very charming so if he wanted someone in his life, he would find someone that thinks he hung the moon and she would only find out later that he is such a shit. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 3:18:39 PM | | I have recently ended a 2 year relationship with an abuser..major abuser..strangulation..head slamming over and over again against walls.. slapping in face.even spitting in my face!..immaturity beyond comprehension. This abuser had abused his previous girlfriends..choking them..throwing them around..but none to the degree of mine..mainly because he lived with me..and was unemployed..and an alcoholic...I received an email from one of his exs when we first started dating warning me of his abuse..and i believed him when he said she was nuts!..afetr my first choking..i re-read her email and she described him choking her out..so i knew she was not lying..but still this smooth talker had already gotten me to fall for him..what I am saying is these type of men..generally do not stop the patter from the countless books I have read..unless they first admit to being flawed and need help..but their whole point to their abuse is about gaining control over their victim..and someone in his life he learned that in order to do so.he needed to abuse...so first admit a problem..then seek help to find better ways to handle his insecurities..whether it be fear of abandonment...whatever the case..but thei whole lives have been based on playing the victim..and feeling like they are never in the wrong..so it is a far stretch to think they will ever change..they will find a women as myself that send them to jail TWICE for abuse...and should have another 20 times!!!!!..they will end up using women for sex..mine boosts sleeping with over 225 women!..and living in their moms basement and collecting unemployment for 2 years!..and not ever go on an interview!!!!...I think we should be able to warn other women of these men..he will kill someone!..I am sure of it..he once told me after choking me and literally holding me off the ground..until I saw black..that I was "overreacting..I wasn't goin g to die..I had 11 seconds before I would have passed out!"..this guy is scary and smooth.he can talk an eskimo out of his coat!...and women fall for him..look at me.. am an educated RN..be safe..be careful..and PRESS CHARGES EACH AND EVERY TIME!!!!!!!..do not believe the tears..or the I love yous..they only love getting away with it! | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 3:24:30 PM | Woman he is on here...just an FYI..he is not a "smoker" *wink* and his favorite number isn't "136 " *wink* if only we knew before we get in too deep..
Signs to look for..I missed even his acne scarred face..scary stuff...had I known.
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/abusive-men-top-10-ways-to-spot-an-abusive-man.html
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page17.html
This is an awesome read..for anyone who has ever asked themselves why they stayed soo long!
http://www.womensaccounts.com/loving_an_abuser_stockholm_syndrome.html | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 3:50:31 PM |
you can blame the "abusers" all you want, but the point of my post was not to defend them, but was to place some blame on the victims as well. you can only be hurt as much as you allow somebody to hurt you, and at this point in time, we have companies that are donating cellphones to abused women, because they KNOW THEY WILL GO BACK. victims have to be responsible for their own actions also. knowledge is power, freedom is power, self respect is power, independence is power. these are some of the attributes that victims need to have, to prevent themselves from getting into abusive relationships in the first place. these same attributes will also help them get out of that relationship. its not just the "abusers" fault. its not like we're talking about people who beat up crippled children or anything. we're talking about 2 adults, in an adult relationship, where one isn't being treated the way they would like to be, but isn't doing enough about it to stop the mistreatment. who do you blame? the abuser? yeah, that mentality is why these people stay.
I pretty much agree with this post...When two consenting adults agree to be in a destructive relationship then both should be equally held responsible..They are BOTH feeding off one another. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 4:01:35 PM | | Typically, abusers end up alone, unless the abuse goes to the extreme, in which case their bunkmate, bubba keeps them company for a while. Victims, unless something changes inside, find another victimizer. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 4:30:20 PM | | wow sacker... you are so beautiful and look so happy in your pic. what you must have gone thru. i think it's very brave to tell so openly. i wish you someone wonderful-peace for your soul. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 6:06:32 PM | I think you may be right that as you get into your forties and up there are more... shall we say "relationship challenged" people to choose from but maybe in the older years people finally conquer their demons.
I've known a few abusers that mellowed with age. Being ridiculously angry at the drop of a hat is exhasting after all and hey, people do learn....eventually....sometimes. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 6:26:11 PM | I can't help feeling that since rebelling against abuse and laws to protect victims is relatively new ( generation or so) and the opportunity for abusees to leave is also far greater as is the opportunity to expose the abuser and send them to jail etc....that all this blaming the victim is simply a backlash against them rebelling. After all, that is how it goes when people break out froma cycle of abuse. it just gets worse or the tactics change. Now it's more psychological to have the rest of so called decent society to blame the victim. What a coup.
There is a big difference between saying ....an abusee needs to help themselves and get a clear head and leave and believe they can survive and that's the right thing to do and saying ...they are equally to blame.
Adults are just older children a lot of the time. Expecting a switch to suddenly turn on and make you wise and strong on your 18th birthday is ridiculous especially for people with a history that has hard wired them for abuse.
We all know growth and awareness is a life long process. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 7:13:51 PM | I personally dont believe alot of abusers end up alone.....and the reason being they are masters of manipulation......most start out as mr perfect and after they say and do all the right things then all of the sudden things start to change....and they start to control the person....and before you really even know whats happened you are under their thumb......and alot of times women who are with abusers mistake the control for ( oh he loves me thats why he tells me this or that).....or if hes a physical abuser after its happened he will cry and swear it will never happen again and then treat her like a queen to keep her under his control and then it starts over......
ive seen it plenty of times.....thankfully ive never experienced it....
so thats why no I dont believe most will end up alone.....JMO | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 8:09:04 PM | | You would think they would, but in so many cases someone just won't/ can't seem to live without them. Many abusive relationships just go on and on, all too often the abused person just won't break it off | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 8:33:49 PM | I've known a few victims who will most likely end-up alone because they began to take on the attributes of the ones who controlled and abused them. They were multiple "victims", which begs the question, when do you learn your lesson and stop going for the same type of jerks over and over again? First time victim - second time VOLUNTEER.
They become arrogant, controlling and extremely difficult to be with. They could, in fact, turn a good guy into a total jerk. If you have such a pattern, you should be seeking professional help to change it and get over the abuse so you don't inflict the negativity upon the next guy that comes along (who didn't do that stuff to you and actually may be a good guy).
I'm glad I escaped a few (one in particular was a real "dodged bullet") of those without it souring my personality or turning me into a total jerk. I don't blame myself for falling for it though, I just don't anymore. She was also convincing, made herself out to be a wonderful person in the beginning, then the attempts to control and manipulate me came into play very subtly. So subtle that I didn't even realize it was happening. I'd say that classifies as mental / emotional abuse - it wasn't physical, but it's almost as bad if not worse. I don't need to make that mistake over and over again. I could quite literally see how a woman with a bad history and past could turn a certain kind of guy into a jerk too.
The victims could end-up alone also. They can end-up creating scenarios in their minds whereas everyone is a potential abuser until proven innocent. This kind of attitude can have a way of making a person say to him / her self "WTF?!?" - "what am I doing wrong?!?" - "what's HIS / HER problem?!?" Basically he / she can't feel secure with him / her. He / she may try to prove him / her self more and more to no avail. Eventually he / she may explode.
I'm not saying that any explosion of anger is warranted EVER, I do have to say that sometimes it's provoked. Some people do need to look at themselves sometimes and see these patterns, that maybe they did provike them in some way. There's never an excuse for it, but sometimes we get what we give too.
Mike | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 8:37:58 PM | I would wish the best for my ex.I divorced an abusive man almost 14 years ago .The abuse affected me for years .My relationships and my kids suffered from this. It took some time to heal.
Im hoping he doesnt end up alone.Im hoping he gets help ,I know hes suffering from things in his childhood.I know enough about his past and what caused his anger.
I suffered a lot at his hands, but Im healed now.I cant stand anyone suffering or feeling unloved.
Dont get me wrong I would never go back to him. I realy loved this man at one time.When we had good times,because it was soo bad the good times were outstanding. I still get scared and start shakin when I see him in town.I have to pull over and make sure my doors are locked.
Its not my job to heal him.I hope his heart is softened and his hatred is gone where he can experience real happiness.I dont have anger towards him. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 8:46:54 PM | Victims tend to end up feeling unworthy of human company, valueless in the eyes of society, and guilt over their bad judgement. They are the ones who turn into loners as they try to come to grips with their rejection and pain.
Abusers on the other hand lie, cheat, steal, use, threaten, cajol, and play the field to get what they want. So if they are alone it is only because they choose to be.
It is the victims that become abusers of a different kind that concern me. They are so emotionally unstable that being damaged becomes their preferred norm. They can develop twisted ethics around revenge that makes other innocent people victims. The cycle just goes on and on. In my experience of helping survivors of abuse -- it is more often these kinds of victims that you have to watch out for. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 8:51:39 PM | I don't think abusers end up alone... Part of what makes someone abusive is the fact that on some level, they hate their own considerable need of the person they have little respect or perhaps, even contempt for. There are people of both genders that have serious disrespect for the other gender but still feel compelled to be with someone so as to appear normal in society. Some are sexually driven; some are financially driven and some are simply incapable of being alone or self-sufficient. They hate that they can't get those "needs" met any other way and they take it out on the person who seems to be able to supply those needs.
On the other hand, there are many, many people in the world that still want to believe in the good in people... There are many, many people who feel that people can be driven to do things they wouldn't normally do who will forgive someone who appears to be temporarily "losing it". There are still more people who will fight not to lose everything they've worked hard for or to see their families broken up. I, for one, think that the world is a better place for having people who can retain their compassion and will try every way they know to hang in there for someone. It's curious that these are the same people who are now being blamed for suddenly finding themselves being hurt when their worst sin was to believe in someone.
I think both people in an abusive situation need to take responsibility for participating in a destructive dynamic but until we have a legal system that works, a shelter system that isn't bursting at the seams and waitlists longer than their arms and a medical system that can recognize a sociopath/psychopath, I will continue to hold the abusers far more accountable than those who are being terrorized into remaining. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/21/2009 8:58:33 PM | I know that mental abuse is real because I am the victim (whether that's my fault or not) of it from my father, now living with him. I moved because of my ill health and losing my entire mother's side of the family to cancer, all in short span of time. I was such a carefree person with mom and family up there, and wasn't afraid to do things, or see people, have parties, work, do whatever I wanted.
And in the space of the last year, I am still scared to go on a bus in case my dad finds out, but I am taking short trips on the one day I am allowed out of the house for more than 4 hours. I go to school, but must return home after classes. I am not allowed friends to ever visit the house, and my dad can just have outburts at any given moment (the last fight, on Easter, was for me eating too slow). I get to the point where I just can't take it anymore, but my ill health, and small frame (90 lbs) makes me scared to stand up to him and moving here, I have no one to be my backup should he come after me. His whole family adores him, and them all being Afghan, in their culture, I shouldn't want to do any of the things I used to do anyway. I couldn't ask them for help, they would just turn on me.
So, I have let my friends know if I try to move, they need to bring heavy family members with them to hold him down, not to move my meager amount of boxes (which I still haven't gone through, cause he won't let me bring hardly anything into the house, and I still don't have a key to the place) I see all the things he did to my mother, he is now doing to me. I am the abused wife/daughter. It's not physical at this time, maybe cause he's gotten older, but I can certainly say the mental abuse has changed me drastically. After losing someone I loved so much, so I am already depressed, now I think so little of myself at times, I look forward to more ill health or death. Even seeing a guy gets me scared when I used to have so much confidence. And I can't even imagine falling in love with a guy, cause I think I will just get beat up by my father for it, so I hardly feel romantic anymore, just focus on school and get amazing grades, but no one really to share it with either.
So, yeah, mental abuse can really knock you down. This much, I know.
M | |
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