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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/28/2009 3:55:36 PM |
For the most part, usually the abuser ends up being left
This wasn't my experience. After several years, my abusive exH left me for another. After nine years he left her for another. I don't think he will ever be without a relationship because he is skilled at grooming new partners.
My oldest daughter commented that Dad knows how to find accomplished women who under all their accomplishments are nagged by self-doubt and low self-esteem.
Yes, I'm older now and look out for these types of personalities. However, around the corner, there's always a newby who hasn't experienced an abuser. | |
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cumeer
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Joined: 4/22/2009
Msg: 102 | |
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/28/2009 9:09:32 PM | The abused end up alone,to. Isolated. Controlled. Manipulation, Scheduling and arrangement.
The abuser, Once identified, begin to lose power. This really pisse's them off.
Only if I allow it. It becomes a job, A responsibility, A task that I didn't really want.
Get's kinda' thrown in your lap. The slander, defamation. Then credibility becomes an issue. Financial, emotional, spiritual and physical health become issues.
Why? All that time?
Because I allowed it.
Values; Compassion, humility, gratitude, selflessness, caring, fairness, honesty, responsibility, devotion, ability to love. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/29/2009 12:41:35 AM | Tommy Lee is an abuser but he doesn't seem to have a shortage of women huh   | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/29/2009 12:56:21 AM | Way to change it around....someone feels guilty much? You know blaming the victim is a sign of an abuser. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 4/29/2009 1:22:17 AM | A woman can be that way and still know when the line is crossed from compassion and such to enabling and being taken advantage of.
Well... I agree with this point of view but the problem with that "line" is that it often doesn't get crossed until a couple has been together for quite a while. Often, the abusive person (be they male or female) has waited until there is a co-mingling of most of the practical aspects of coupleship (financial, business, etc.) and/or his or her target has fallen for all of their seemingly wonderful characteristics. People end up shuffling that "line" around when they have created a life for two (or more) and there is a lot more involved than there was at the beginning.
What you call a woman's chemistry is often a woman responding to someone who actually treats her like he needs her in his life.
Funny how that works - the non-abusive guy who does this is seen as needy, weak and smothering. Maybe because he isn't as good at pushing buttons?
Ahh... if it were only as black and white as you make it seem... You need to remember that in the BEGINNING of the relationship, these guys/gals do not seem "needy, weak and smothering". If anything, they appear to have gone through some challenging times and have emerged from them willing to take on the world if "someone will just give them a chance" and if "someone will simply believe in them". Abusive people do not start right out being abusive. They can be infectiously charming, accepting of all boundaries and very affectionate. When someone is REALLY good at it, they turn the whole beginning of a relationship into an art form that most of us can only admire.
I don't think the abusive mate starts out "pushing buttons" and you're perhaps not understanding what I mean when I say that he (or she) knows how to treat their partner as being necessary in his (or her) life. The difference between the "bad boy" and the "needy, weak and smothering" is that the "bad boy" is none of those things. If anything, he is the exact opposite. He knows what boundaries are (which is why he is so good at breaking them down and smashing them into smithereens), he is very protective and he is extremely supportive of his partner being a strong and self-sufficient female. His "need" if he has one, is a temporary rift caused by some misfortune and he convinces her that he just needs a chance to be able to take his rightful place as a strong man, husband, father, provider, blah, blah, blah. It's a mask that even trained professionals often cannot see through.
And where is the above available, except for the players? You don't see it around here.
You don't see it around here (the tenderness, compassion and willingness to love) because many, many women have been made to feel ashamed of those qualities in themselves. When women admit to being abused, many people blame her and disrespect her for having tenderness, compassion and love for the person that abused her. Instead of blaming the abuser, they blame the person whose heart was in the right place.. the one who had the best of intentions. That's precisely why I say that the inevitable result of "blaming the victim" is going to be women who just harden up and turf a guy the minute he screws up in any way, shape or form. Nobody likes to feel that they've been stupid, weak or used... especially not women who were strong enough to feel that they had room to let someone be human when the abuse first started.
Many, many women have now decided that as soon as a guy makes one disrespectful comment, he's out the door - no ifs, ands or buts... he's a goner! As I see it, it's because most women understand that very few people will credit her for the compassion, understanding or forgiveness she showed someone. That's why you don't see many around anymore. Do you blame them?
Oh, and just to set the record straight, I'm not a nice guy, at least I don't consider myself one. A fair-haired angel I'm not, but I also don't feel the need to put on a big act to impress or win over a woman.
I don't know any woman who wants a guy whose love for her is an act or something he's just doing to impress her. Love is an action word and where it truly exists, it flows naturally into what a man does for his lady (and vice versa) on an ongoing basis.
The problem is that it's really hard to differentiate (in the initial instances) between the guy who is treating a lady with the specialness she deserves and the guy whose treating a lady specially because he intends to own her lock, stock and barrel. Since none of us can see the other person's intentions, it can be really hard to separate one guy from the other. The bigger problem is that the guy who is abusive tends to focus almost completely on his target. He occupies himself with almost every facet of her life and many of them are quite innocuous about it. He's not off drinking with his buddies or pushing her to the side whenever his Mommy calls.
All I'm saying here Phoenix is that in speaking with a lot of women who have been raked over the coals, I know for a fact that many of them truly loved him because he knew precisely how to treat a woman like she was very very special (when he needed to of course... and in the beginning that's 24/7).
If a guy is truly looking for a loving companion, it wouldn't hurt to watch how the abusive guy starts out treating a woman like she's made from spun gold. In no time at all, he's reaping the rewards of that woman being very much in love with him. Where a guy is NOT an abuser, he would likely have a lifetime of love and tenderness such as he's never known if he isn't just acting and can keep his loving interest in her flowing across time.
Women who can love with tenderness, understanding, compassion and forgiveness are amazing creatures. When people start considering them "damaged", it's because they're too thick to value those qualities for what they really are. As I see it, when people see someone who has had an abuser in her life as "damaged" or even go so far as to refuse to date someone who has been abused in the past, they have no right to complain when they can't find a loving, trusting, compassionate partner. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/5/2009 5:15:04 PM | "If a guy is truly looking for a loving companion, it wouldn't hurt to watch how the abusive guy starts out treating a woman like she's made from spun gold. In no time at all, he's reaping the rewards of that woman being very much in love with him. Where a guy is NOT an abuser, he would likely have a lifetime of love and tenderness such as he's never known if he isn't just acting and can keep his loving interest in her flowing across time. "
This is exactly what I am talking about. It's all an act with an abuser. The same thing as a lie. He, the abuser, lies through his actions and his words. He tells her just what she wants to hear and knows just what button to push. Some of us would rather be honest and be ourselves. Of course, that doesn't get you very far in the dating world, not unless you're loaded with cash and looks.
Look, I don't have a horse in this race anymore. I've moved on to better things. I'm here strictly for the forums, as I am no longer interested in dating or meeting anyone. That ship has already left port and it won't be back. No more. Finito. No mas.
If I have to hotdog it and lie to somehow prove my worth to a woman, then forget it, I'm not interested. Because that seems to be what you are advocating.
I'm not saying you don't mean well, not at all. I understand what you're saying, and I respect you and your opinions. The thing is, tho, let's say I put on a big act, say all things I know she wants to hear and treat her like the best thing since sliced bread, and the woman falls for it. Great, right? For me, WRONG! It's the act she fell for, not the real me. And that I simply cannot live with.
As far as loving companions go, I heard they may have existed at one time. Pre-Zhou Dynasty China I believe. ;)
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/18/2009 1:52:43 PM | you can obviously tell who is hurt more, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
you can also tell the manipulation of an abuser described somewhere in this post.
people abuse freedom and truth daily and make the world worse while they hold tight to what little control they actually have over themselves by looking down on others and attempting to debase them from good intentions into a rabid animal backed into a corner. Gladly, there is some base line protection out there for the good to atleast sacrifice yet not turn into what abusers would use to then justify their terrible, purposeful actions. I know that intent, and continuance shows a true abuser, not self preservation.
By abuser i am not talking of minor jealousy arguments, and or money problems in any way. an abuser in a relationship intentionally, purposely and knowingly hurts someone weaker than them in what ways they can. this feeds no one except the abuser. this is why they do it and why i am hungry right now.
-jairid | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/18/2009 1:54:37 PM | thanks for looking at my profile, silent j.
live free or die hard.
-FREE DOES NOT MEANWITH COST, IE -ALLOWANCE OF ABUSE
-Jairid | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/18/2009 2:06:02 PM | I believe abusers abuse until they end face up in a box. Some of them should be in that box sooner than later but unfortunatley the old saying "only the good die young"
I dont think they are ever alone..they just move on to the next victim, and they are always scouting for new pastures. | |
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toyoux
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Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 111 | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 3:28:21 PM | In reading the post by WOWSAD it had me thinking.
As far as Im concerned, and this is from experience. Abusers dont show themselves as abusers when they first meet you. Yes I think it is as if they do have some sort of radar that picks up the victim mentality.
they will approach the person, nice as pie. If most people were to meet an abuser they would run a mile. Its when you feel close to and safe with this person that the first signs of agression may appear. It may make the person feel uncomfortable but the angry person will be excused as no one is perfect and they will probably apologise over and over. And one may say to themselves shit happens, so what.
Perhaps a sob story or two may be told because now you are in this persons confidence and yet again you become closer. Perhaps a desire to take care of this person may occur. Again another outburst or two of agression. But this time you know the reasons for the occasional outbursts. Its okay, this guy/girl is really a good person. Just have to give them some time. As time goes on you become closer and closer.
The abuser and the victim I agree each have a role to play otherwise this relationship wouldnt be played out. The victim may threaten to leave or even leave but the abuser plays the sympathy card and says sorry. And the cycle goes on. The victim will most definately leave in the end and the abuser move on.
They seem to be like a spider luring a fly and will only target a certain type of personality. They are very good at what they do. Deep feeling, senstive and caring people will be their targets.
Though perhaps a majority all abusers do not come from an abusive background. A personality disorder can be inherited. I think the statistics are 50/50. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 4:00:23 PM | you can blame the "abusers" all you want, but the point of my post was not to defend them, but was to place some blame on the victims as well. you can only be hurt as much as you allow somebody to hurt you, and at this point in time, we have companies that are donating cellphones to abused women, because they KNOW THEY WILL GO BACK. victims have to be responsible for their own actions also. knowledge is power, freedom is power, self respect is power, independence is power. these are some of the attributes that victims need to have, to prevent themselves from getting into abusive relationships in the first place. these same attributes will also help them get out of that relationship. its not just the "abusers" fault. its not like we're talking about people who beat up crippled children or anything. we're talking about 2 adults, in an adult relationship, where one isn't being treated the way they would like to be, but isn't doing enough about it to stop the mistreatment. who do you blame? the abuser? yeah, that mentality is why these people stay.
Well said! There comes a point where adults need to take some kind of responsibility for their actions too. Some people are victims of stupidity!. One would assume that anyone that has been in an abusive relationship knows the signs to watch out for, better still they wouldn't tolerate the slightest abuse, which essentially doesn't make them a victim... | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 5:38:03 PM | I think in a round and about way you are saying that both the "abuser" and "abused" come from a cycle of abuse. It is true many men that abuse watched their mother being beaten or verbally abused his only role model is the abusive male. On the flip side a girl watches the same thing she grows up and into the same pattern because both identify it as "Love". I think that is what you are saying am I correct?
I differ in my opinion where you label the abused "more dysfunctional" because the relationship in itself is "dysfunctional". Both abuser and abused seek and find each other that is the tragedy. As far as "Once an abuser always an abuser" comes down to the will to change. I hate to quote Dr. Phil but "You cannot change what you do not acknowledge" that goes for both parties.
Your wording is concerning the fact that you continue to use "victim" idicates you recognize the violence and criminal aspect. Love has nothing to do with these relationship as much as sex has nothing to do with rape. It is about control and it is not limited to simply the "couple" children are usually involved which simply feeds the cycle. If you identify with either parties the answer is "Yes" people cannot change each other we can change ourselves. Calling someone who responded to you "stripper" is desrespectful and does not help you. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 5:41:44 PM | | That statement is a very sad misconception regarding the abuse cycle. "around the corner is a newby who has not experienced an abuser" healthy women and healthy men do not just bump into this. How do I know? I work with this on a daily basis I know the statistics. The abused and abuser ususally grow up in the enviroment the abuser seeks women who identify control, jealous rages and financial control as love. Rarely, and I mean rarely does anyone fall into this. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/19/2009 5:43:56 PM | | Tommy Lee went to jail via Pamela Anderson charges and follow through. He went to jail released on probation. He "pushed" her she was critized by many supported by womens rights she stood her ground I believe he got the message. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 5/27/2009 8:09:54 PM | my ex is an abuser and his common law wife has stalked me-she is an abuser
they can beat the schit out of eachother
crazy as hell!!!!!!!!     | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/26/2009 8:32:16 PM | Unfortunately, no.
My ex husband is an abuser and he has better luck in relationships than I do, even though I'm a nice, quiet person(unless you do something really bad to me)... I'm alone and he's already found someone else to deceive...until she finds out how he really is...or unless she ends up being just like him and actually staying with him. Wouldn't surprise me.
I was the one who left him though...he wanted me to stay there so he could torture me forever! | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:44:12 PM | | Unfortunately, no. Abusers are master manipulators, so they are good at finding new people to "fool". Or they start moving to younger women as they get older because younger women tend to be more trusting and easier to control. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/27/2009 2:58:03 PM | I think it depends on the person.We spoke of a guy we filled in for while he was on vacation who left nasty letters to us.
He is very meticulous and he goes ballistic. He supposedly scared away any girfriends he had(nice looking young guy too).
I said I'd be out of there, too, cause I don't want a guy who will beat the sht out of me.
As far as what ***blue*** said, about people abused as children abuse, I hate when ignorant people say that. I was beat by my mom from 6 mos-7yrs before my dad was able to get custody. I went through therapy as a teen. I NEVER laid a hand on my kids or anyone. I am not violent. I would say I am more submissive or passive even. I looked after them and did keep them out of harms way.
So if victims are abusers, I say BS! People can control their behaviors. I just need to learn better socialization, which I am through trial and error. True friends give me a chance to right my wrongs. I am grateful for that. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:16:34 PM | | I think there are plenty of innocent victims around for these people to lie to until the I do's are said. My ex( he was a phyiscally, mentally and an emotionally abusive alcoholic) just got married for the 3rd time, he also had numerous relationships besides. Obviously the women all wised up and were smart enough to get rid of him, but unfortunately, he just finds another woman who he can manipulate and use. I did learn a very important lesson though, I will never put up with bad behavior from a man ever again, zero tolerance, no more nonsense...period! | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:29:21 PM | I think they need help, i'm coming out of a marriage soon with a woman that witnessed abuse as a child. Now likes to beat on me when she's upset and break expensive things.
After years of being a someones punching bag when their upset I'm done. I think they do end up alone unless they seek professional help. It's sad for them because they deny their activity and project their anger and issues on their loved ones perpetually. Then sometimes find love and end up with hurt in everyones lives. All I have to say is to anyone reading this is please break the cycle around your children that way there's hope for the future. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:35:05 PM | Woody79_00;
Mental Abuse: Psychological abuse or emotional abuse is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that is psychologically harmful. Psychological abuse is the willful infliction of mental or emotional anguish by threat, humiliation, or other verbal or nonverbal conduct. It is often associated with situations of power imbalance, such perhaps as the situations of abusive relationships and child abuse; however, it can also take place on larger scales, such as Group psychological abuse, racial oppression and bigotry. A more "mild" case might be that of workplace abuse. Workplace abuse is a large cause of workplace-related stress, which in turn is a strong cause of illness, both physical and mental.
It is not a “onetime” occurrence where some kid in grade school calls you a dummy. This is a DAILY occurrence from your partner. Thy tell you that your lazy, worthless, stupid, incompetent or other choice words…daily. Ultimately, the person those words are directed at begin to believe they are true, and this is when Mental ABUSE takes place. This person, even after the separation/divorce, continues to believe they are worthless, lazy, stupid and incompetent.
Another classic sign is the "it's your fault" term. Where, no matter what you do or say everything that goes wrong in his/her life is there partner's fault. The abuser does not want to take responsibility for there own actions, therefore they blame someone else, usually there spouse.
Although I do not agree that being called “dummy” once will lead to any harm years later, being told that on a daily level by someone who is suppose to love you will cause harm mentally.
Partner, Spouse, and person could either be male or female. As Mental abuse does not take physical strength to do it. It only takes words.
Does this help clear up your definition of mental abuse? | |
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