| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/28/2009 6:42:16 PM | Oprikniki,
I witnesses abuse when I was a child, my 1st step-dad liked to hit my mother. She was hospitalized once for jumping out of the truck, because she was afraid he was going to kill her.
It really depends on there own state of mind. I don't hit or throw expensive things when I'm upset. I much prefer to just go to a nice quiet place and be alone. I didn't need professional help, just my way of coping with what happened. A lot of abused children repeat the cycle, alot that "see" abuse will think it's ok. The step-dad, witnesses his father hitting his mother when he was a child, so he thought it was ok.
It sounds like you made a good decision for your own health and happyness, I hope you find someone who will treat you well in the future. I also agree that the cycle will have to be broken in order to stop it. 
Jen | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/28/2009 7:07:15 PM | Most of us think that it's an awful thing to feel alone in a room full of people and we might naturally conclude that an abusive person would feel the same way but we would be wrong. Since most of them see other people as being "objects to be used", it doesn't really matter whether or not they have a relationship because to them, the new people are the same as the ex-people... simply "things" that are either controllable or useless to them.
They DO know that they have to be vigilant with their justifications and rationalizations about how they came to have giant holes in the stories of their pasts but most of them are so used to lying that it's as natural to them as breathing. In reality, they are ALWAYS alone... even when they're in a relationship because the new person in their life doesn't actually know who they are with and the abusive person knows it. Everytime a new woman tells an abusive guy that she loves him, he knows that she doesn't because he knows she doesn't know who he truly is until he decides to activate his cruelty.
They might have physical companionship but I believe they are locked into an isolated existence that means they do in fact, end up alone.... even when there are other people around. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 6/28/2009 7:39:13 PM | I don't know how anyone could answer this question unless they've stayed with an abuser until the abuser croaked.
How would anyone know what patterns the abuser goes through except an abuser?
Somehow I don't see an abuser popping in here to declare what they've experienced.
Interesting point that if abusers are the ones who are always left alone, that they will soon dominate the dating pool...but wouldn't that also mean that those who love abusers and are constantly seeking new ones, would be the ones also seeking love?
Not sure.
Seems a whispy conclusion at best. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 7/31/2009 2:39:20 AM | It's interesting that there have been posts stating that where the victim stands up to the abuser, the abuser backs down and stops the abuse. This was always my take on domestic violence, until I was forced to see things differently.
The thing is, abusive relationships rarely start with physical violence but rather an insidious form of emotional manipulation by one person to gain control over another. By the time it turns physical, the victim has often become totally isolated from friends and family, been forced to leave employment due to the abuse, been rendered financially vulnerable as a result of the latter, lost their confidence and their life has become a carefully orchestrated roller coaster.
Hitting back doesn't always stop the abuse; it often causes it to escalate and can become highly dangerous for both parties. Getting out of the situation is the only way to go.
http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#What is Emotional Abuse?
"Do Abusers end up Alone?" Only if they can't find themselves another victim - and they happen to be the masters/mistresses of deception... | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/23/2009 10:15:22 PM | Whenever a thread about abuse ends up on the forums, it is amazing how many people come on in support of abusive behavior---which is in fact a criminal offense.
^^^Now hold on girlie....just because some people support abusive behavior in an online forum, that's considered a criminal offense? and exactly what kind of offense would that be? You do know that this is a public forum where people are entitled to their own opinions right? | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/23/2009 10:22:51 PM | I have spiritual contacts who claim to have spoken to Nicole. She says that OJ is innocent, and that the real killer is on the loose.
^^^Why of course he's innocent. A guy as famous as OJ would never do such a thing. And of course he was found not guilty in a court of law. | |
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1jamez
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Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 133 | |
| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:02:21 PM | actually, for every jackass there's a Jill...
Perhaps beware of jokes like this:
Q: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nuthin, ya already told'er twice
A tear tattoo, no teeth, beer drinking, red faced, and cross-eyed might be less of a threat that a meek bookworm with thick glasses scared of his own shadow... if you can can't pick'em, sux 2b u, most can, unless they don't care and are also on parole. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:10:04 PM |
Everytime a new woman tells an abusive guy that she loves him, he knows that she doesn't because he knows she doesn't know who he truly is until he decides to activate his cruelty
Brilliant post Silken!  | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:42:02 PM | | I have three cousins on my step dads side of the family. All have been to prison over beating their wives. All have been married multiple times. One actually went to prison for beating his wife and get this , while in prison got a female pen-pal who works for the FBI. They got married when he got out and he looked like he was getting another prison sentence in his wedding photos. I can hardly get a second date and my wife beating cousins have all had two or three marriages. Makes me want to throw up and. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:53:50 PM | Theres always a weakling that will succumb to their new master. The abuser cant continue if there are enough persons that think for themselves and love themselves enough to not be in those scenarios. My third floor neighbor is such. Im tired of her sorry behind chasing after her dog of a cheating husband, and her stupid behind is pregnant again. I called the unit to change the locks after he got hauled by the police for the umptheenth time (last time he came back he broke the locks of the front gate) So what does this heffer do? She tells me to mind my own friggin business and if she gets evicted she will make it my problem. Yes lovely, next time he bashes your face in, I suggest using a closed fist on my account. Sorry but my patience is worn thin with that woman and her 11 yr vicious cycle that involves her two boys and her unborn one. Those people remind me why they should make it illegal for them to bear children.  | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 12:59:32 AM | My ex abusive husband had no problem in attracting me nor did he have any problem attracting women after me. I doubt that he will ever be alone.
For the most part, usually the abuser ends up being left
Not so sure that this is true. With fresh source, the abuser will move on. Without, he/she hangs on.
The abuser I have known renews his victims at his disgression. He cultivates them, puts them on a pedestal and then empties them. I doubt that he does this with foresight. He has never been dumped. He is the dumper and I doubt that he will ever be alone. In fact, I believe that he cannot ever be alone. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 6:45:01 AM |
I would think if they all ended up alone, it would only make sense that the older you got, the dating scene would end up with a higher and higher percentage of them, so you would really need to watch out for this personality in older dating. What do you think? I think that your supposition has no basis in reality, or logic. You've very conveniently discounted the ex partners of these "abusers", a 1:1 ratio; then you've discounted those who are widowed, those who had no family violence, just some major incompatibility.
I would think that logically, and statistically speaking the "victims of abuse" are much more likely to end up alone than are their "abusers". The reasons being, that "victims" are looking behind every tree, bush and shrub for the next person who is going to treat them badly, and in doing so, eliminate perspective partners from the catagories of people who have never been abusive. (i.e. the widowed, or those who simply grew apart from their former partners and decided to end their marriages amicably)
The sad, but true part of this is, that many "victims" CHOOSE to remain "victims" even AFTER their "abuser" is out of the picture. By living in fear that "everyone out there is a closet abuser....just give them enough time and they'll prove it to you", the abuser CONTINUES to control the "victims" life.
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 7:47:16 AM | | With men, no, since sadly, more women, then men, are attracted to abusers and put of with it since they love bad boys and want to change them. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:10:20 AM | | If the abuser lived in a small town, everyone would know him or her, and how many people do you think would choose him or her for a long term partner? Not many if any. He would be ostracized and alone. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:31:48 AM | Wildflower, I agree with you 100%. I think abusers come from the same cycle of abuse beginning with their own childhood and so they think it is normal. The cycle CAN be broken if the abuser wants help to change. I just got out of a ten month relationship with a man that I was very much in love with. However, the red flags kept showing up and that 'little voice' in my head kept telling me to "be careful." It was like walking on egg shells constantly in order to avoid saying or doing something that might set him off again.
While in Chicago together last April and 600 miles from home, he got mad because I wanted to go site seeing. So much so that he literally threw my luggage out into the hotel hallway and told me to find another room. I would forgive him during these tantrums, thinking it was my fault, and continued dating for another five months (with a lot of drama within that time). The last night we were together we had dinner at a nice restaurant across town. He got upset with me over something trivial and started screaming at me and physically hurting me while pulling me out of his vehicle... bending my arm in a physicall destructive way with this hand on my throat like he was going to choke me. Another couple in the parking lot witnessed this and was on their cell phone getting ready to call the police for help. Then he gets back into his vehicle and drives to a nearby hotel and makes me get out of his car... across town, all alone, late at night, and tells me to find my own way home while calling me horrible names. Two hours later and $65 poorer, I had to call a taxi to get home. And this is normal?? What "true gentleman" would leave a lady stranded like that to fend for herself late at night out in the middle of no where??
Needless to say, that was the final straw and red flag for my relationship with this man whom I loved very, very much. A week later he is back on POF giving out roses again... I assume looking for his next victim. I would highly recommend a book I recently read entitled "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. The book taught me that in time the abuse will only get worse instead of better until the abuser seeks help. In my opinion, he does not deserve to have a quality lady such as myself. I am presently in counseling for myself to avoid getting into another abusive relationship. It is really sad because some abusers are fun, beautiful, classy people.
Good luck, Wildflower, and I understand completely where you are coming from as this relationship broke my soul. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:38:27 AM | This makes perfect sense. Short sweet and straight to the point.
As far as many of the other posts......it appears we have alot of "word artist" that like to paint pictures that aren't REAL and are very abstract. I refuse to point fingers because I am NOT going to be one that gives them the pleasure of feeding on what I believe is RIGHT. Not into mind games......to each its own. Certainly, it is true that both the abuser and the abused play a role however, each relationship is their own situation and you can't very well generalize it. There is NO concrete solution......it is what is right for that individual......PERIOD. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:40:09 AM | breath wrote........
No, abusers usually do not "end up alone".
They have the ability to pick up on the radar from a victim's mentality.
Zoom in and begin a relationship with them.
Over and over, new people, if need be.
This makes perfect sense. Somehow it was left off my previous post. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:44:25 AM | | Do they end up alone? No, as long as they can find some new abusee. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 10/24/2009 12:32:12 PM | | Abusers need someone to abuse, so I would say they are rarely alone for long. I would think that people who are tired of being abused are the ones who prefer to be alone, ultimately. Good luck, whichever category you're in! Love, Titus | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 11/4/2009 9:51:46 AM | | having owned 4 businesses raised 4 daughters i made a plan i would get out on my 40th birthday, i was 6 weeks late in doing that. ive been shot at several times choked, stabbed at beat to many times to count once both kidneys shut down, thrown out of a truck, my animals killed in front of me and held at gun point for 2 days begging for my life and my 14 month old grandsons life . 2 days later i escaped while he was passed out drunk i ran 4 miles to get help when i heard his truck coming i ran to the sheriffs office i hid in the womens jail cell bathroom and screamed for help as he came thru their front door. at gun point by deputys i finally got help from a judge that day i had to leave my home that he had completely destroyed and my children, my businesses and run for my life i was no good to my children dead. domestic violence is like a roller coaster ride that you evidentually decide no more rides the damage last a life time but with love and support and lots of mental health you can get out and stay out. today is my 4 year anniversary of being out and i thank god for judge roo's helping me and the family and friends who helped me survive and get free and didnt turn their backs on me. as to him he now lives with an abusive person and is treated awful do i think its funny no i wouldnt wish it on anyone. say a prayer for those that didnt make it their loved ones are devasted by their loss and help those you can you just might be saving a life. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 11/4/2009 11:59:51 AM | They are alone even when in a relationship.
The future inside their heads is not good. They are a void and rattle about trying to get a quick fix. They usually have an unhappy ending as it gets worse. Physically they may have a victim in tow but that is not the same as a companion. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:17:58 PM | Hi, my name is Quentin and I have military hand to hand combat training as well as holding belts in 3 different martial arts. I have experience in MMA fighting and boxing. Any man that thinks its ok to hit a woman I would like to invite over to my place and try to hit me. Unfortunately for you, I hit back, and will not stop hitting you until you are completely incapacitated. Then I will perform self aid buddy care and stabilize you until medical help arrives.
That being said, yes, I think abusers SHOULD end up alone...and in jail..."Don't drop the soap homie!"
***Yes, I realize that a woman CAN be the abuser as well, if you are a guy in that situation, its still not cool to hit back, you should notify the proper authorities and have it taken care of. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:42:50 PM | Sqt.Q - since your first assumption was that a man abuses, why should the authorities think differently to you? Or that its only really bad if a man hits, as your words imply? What if she has a weapon and shes in the way of your only escape? What if you have no training? What if in this situation the assumption all men have superior force is wrong? What if the authorities decide to turn up 1hr later?
I just wonder as a person in your position, viewing these additional points, in the realisation that abusers will tend to do things when their abusee is in the weakest position, what would be your wisdom? Simply die, because if they dont you'll get em?
OT:
I think abusers should end up alone, but thats not what they are about. I also think that people should be taught how to identify these behaviours at an earlier age to ensure that they do. If you get out before the emotional abuse and isolation stratagies are completed they usually don't have the guts to do become physical. Not that that helps those in the middle of it atm. I think its not a simple clear cut thing. | |
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| Do abusers end up alone?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:45:17 PM | Hell, No!  (unfortunately) There are plenty of people who want to take what an abuser dishes out!
some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused. ... "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" | |
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