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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/24/2008 12:13:18 PM | Thanks to everyone for all of their advice. I really appreciate it and love coming to these forums to seek out advice and offer any where I can. To update you on my situation, I have stopped "seeing" him. After it was very apparent that he was only interested in the physical side of a "relationship" I ended it. After all, this is not really what I am seeking. It was easy to end it since all I had to do was not to email him or IM him when I saw he was online, since he hardly initiated contact with me. So I guess I am back to square one , which really isn't so bad.
Thanks again for your advice and good luck to all of you!
Tracy | |
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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/25/2008 3:47:21 AM | While honesty is the best way to go, it doesn't always serve you well to lay all your cards on the table, in their entirety either. There are limits to what will work.
Human nature has some quirks that have to be recognized in relationships. For one thing people usually like to work at a relationship a little, never having it be too easy. If someone appears "needy", or "over-eager", that is usually a turn-off for the other person. In turn, if someone seems to be a lot more interested in you, than you seem to be in them, appearing that way is usually a turn off in that situation as well.
Honesty doesn't necessarily mean one should let it all hang out, without any limitation. There is some merit in maintaining a certain amount of reservation.
To use a rather extreme example, if you want to end a first date and have little chance for anything more, tell somebody "Wow! You are the most fabulous and attractive person I have dated in my entire life, and I can't get enough of you!" Then the first date is likely to be the last date.
-Suth'nBoy 
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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/25/2008 1:05:04 PM | Suth'n Boy, you make some very good points, and even though the OP has apparently ended her relationship, I believe this thread will continue. I actually believe that many people will address the OP as if the problem still exists. They will be right, because the problem is common, but if they address the OP directly, many of us will think that they prefer to type their own responses without reading what other people are writing. You did very well at addressing the topic without referring to the person who had the conflict.
While honesty is the best way to go, it doesn't always serve you well to lay all your cards on the table, in their entirety either. There are limits to what will work.
There are many reasons not to lay everything on the table, and I believe that you should attempt to determine the integrity of the people you speak to before ever opening up completely. The dishonesty of omission should not be an early indicator of someones integrity. It can play into a relationship as the relationship becomes more serious.
Human nature has some quirks that have to be recognized in relationships. For one thing people usually like to work at a relationship a little, never having it be too easy. If someone appears "needy", or "over-eager", that is usually a turn-off for the other person. In turn, if someone seems to be a lot more interested in you, than you seem to be in them, appearing that way is usually a turn off in that situation as well.
I agree. This is often the case. Someone who holds those types of interests are probably better for the one who recieves the affection, but typically it causes rejection. The aggressive person needs to put "Mystery" in place of their affection, and needs to make the other work. It is not dishonesty, but instead it is omission.
Tracy, I am very sorry to hear that you had to break it off, but it seems that it was a good decision that didn't require too much pain to get over. I hope you do better next time.
Kitten1976, I am sorry if you feel that I was being negative. I did not intend to be, but I can appreciate how you felt that. My feeling was that seeking a professional would be a MORE POSITIVE way of handling the situation. Of course, when another poster suggested substance abuse, I had to defend my position, and I am truly sorry that so many people use personal attacks to gain favor in the forum. I do my best to avoid such exchanges. | |
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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/25/2008 3:16:34 PM | Yes, good observations GottaLight! I wasn't addressing the OP or her specific case in any way, but instead just the very general type of scenario originally presented here.
I suspect the conversation will continue on, discussing the posted topic, rather than any particular individual, as is very often the case in these threads. It's a captivating topic to be mindful of.. As human behavior so often is.
Such situations are often beneficial to ponder and to be prepared for in advance. You're absolutely right that having reservations about letting it all hang out prematurely, is quite far from dishonesty. It's merely being reserved for the sake of self-preservation. In fact it's crucial if one places any value in the well-being of their own heartstrings. 
As an example, we don't advertise our SSN or our home address openly on the Internet. But that's not being dishonest, it's merely being advisably reserved.
-Suth'nBoy
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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/26/2008 4:58:13 PM | Ha!
OP, here are my thoughts:
Sometimes, people ignore what is before their eyes and do not realize what could have been until it has gone, or never even attain that stage –
They keep on chasing the unobtainable, the uninterested, the “out of their league” (if there is such a thing, because I don’t think there is), to paraphrase WarmBrandie.
The same widely applies to both sexes at some point – I believe it is a phase, and people do hopefully grow older and wiser…or not.
As they do, they tend to accept/appreciate people for who they are…
I do maintain that when it comes to relationships, you only meet people you are ready to meet at a particular stage of your life.
It is possible that your ideal companion was always there, but you, unable to see him never paid attention or you did BUT he was not ready –
This is not a one sided situation –
Anyway, the best advice has already been given –
No matter what happens, no matter where you are, be yourself, do what you would usually do –
Do not compromise on your personality –
If you feel like telling someone at a particular stage how you feel and the person cannot reciprocate, then it was not meant to be –
Obviously, do use common sense – If you know that the person displayed signs of unreadiness or you talked about the non commitment issue, there is no point to throw yourself under a train of embarrassment.
But if it all went well and you have passed the third date or have spent a considerable amount of time together, then you should maybe consider being as honest and open as possible about your feelings.
I know this relationship did not work out, but that is precisely the point.
There is someone out there who unconsciously or purposefully is looking for someone like you.
And if the people we meet are more or less suitable depending on our “relationship state of mind”, then by being who you are you just maximise your chance of being appreciated for who you are then, and therefore increase for chances to find the right partner – the one who will be ideal for you when you have gone through all the relationship stages and you cannot grow anymore because you have reached a plateau, understood most things, and basically will keep the same relationship needs/desires…
(people still grow and evolve, but the changes are less dramatic) | |
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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:09:58 PM | Hello there,
Even though I did end that dead-end relationship, I feel that this is an important topic for all, not just for myself. Dating can be a fun experience, yet a frustrating one at that. Any help or advice anyone can give is greatly appreciated. I believe that we can all learn something from someone else through knowledge and experience as well.
Keep the thread going! I know we can all use a little help here and there.
Tracy | |
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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:12:56 PM | | Thank you gottalight, I appreciate your kind words. I know for me that was the best decision because ultimately I am looking for that one great long term relationship and not just a meaningless fling. | |
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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:32:31 PM |
Thank you gottalight, I appreciate your kind words. I know for me that was the best decision because ultimately I am looking for that one great long term relationship and not just a meaningless fling.
I don't know of any protocol. It's different with every person. Some women want to sleep with me on the first date and I don't want to sleep with them. Some women I want to sleep with on the first date and they don't want to sleep with me. I know the kind of woman that I am attracted to. I like the woman that lets me pursue her and enjoys my pursuit. I don't like to be pursued. It seems backwards. I feel like the woman is the one who should do the resisting, not me. I don't want a religious woman. I don't want to be a step-daddy. I just want to be with a woman that I can hold hands with while we walk through the park talking. I want her to know the art of being a woman. I want her to admire me as a good man and be affectionate towards me. I want her to pull me into loving her. Most women think their koochie is a weapon and that a man is won over with it. Not so. Koochies are a dime a dozen. Please make me feel like I am your man, eventually, if I pursue you. Please tell me things I want to hear. Please do things for me that let me know you think of me as a great man. I hope this helps. | |
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| What is the protocol for dating today?
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:41:56 PM | well , i agree with most on here, there is no protocl for dating, it is mainly down to instinct.
Problem is when you have been in long term realationship you do loose that instinct on how the opposite sex does feel about you.
just tell him that you like is company and you wonderd if possible to see him ona more regular basis then he will no that you are intersted, and if you get that possitive e-mail back or look the net time you go out, then the signs are good.
we are all on here becuase we are single and each one of us no's if it feels rigth ,if it is the first or fifth date.
good luck to you,hope it works out well. | |
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