| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:22:00 AM | | i think it's great to have a head's up on all of it...makes it easier to weed out the ones you aren't interested in.you have to admit at least their being honest...too many on here have profiles filled with fallicies and facades.so i don't mind seeing that on anyone's profile.they know what they want and go after that..i guess it's kinda like shopping for furniture..you pick and choose, colour, size, fabric etc...lol | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 6:18:35 AM | I think they do it, cuz they really don't want a relationship...when a person is truly ready, they take each person they meet on a per case basis. The filters we place are walls to keep us from getting close to a person...
When we meet & fall in love w/ our soulmate, we are often suprised at who they are & how it happened  | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:10:59 AM |
I wonder if those people are even aware of how negative they sound.......and self-limiting......I can see a few "must-nots"---but some people have such a long list, my eyes blur half way down!
It's preconditioning for a potential partner to accept temper tantrums.
When I see someone adamantly proclaiming specifics about what they will tolerate, I can see they are not very tolerant.
Most of the ones that make claims of 'knowing what they want' seem to be here the longest and rather than spend time figuring out how to find a relationship, they spent time trying to convince others they are wise. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:23:18 AM | | I dunno why...but I'm attracted to women that are 2 foot tall, smoke, one legged, have 147 cats, swear every other word, were not born a woman but are really a surgically altered man, (so we can shave together), and has a deeply religious spirituality for the Lord......and I don't mean that d*amned Bill Lord that lives a block over! ...but I don't believe in posting preferences in my profile, I make a woman work to discover all of this about me.....I just can't figure out why, now, she never calls!! | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:41:30 AM | I don't "box" myself in as far as age or distance or height or anything like that. So obviously, those things are not as important to me as other things are.
For example, I know for a fact that I could never be in an intimate relationship with anyone who can't think for themselves. Hence why I would never consider a relationship with anyone who is happy being a follower. And that includes anyone who follows the spiritual path they were taught as a child or that comes from a book instead of the one that comes from within themselves and that they were willing to look for...on their own.
And while me being an atheist and saying that spirituality is first and foremost on her list of importance might seem like a contradiction to some, it is what it is.
Anyway... I really don't see how someone being specific about they want or don't want "boxes" anyone in anyway. Why would I want to be thrown in a box that I don't want to be in to begin with? Besides, there is nothing wrong with the box I'm in and I'm quite prepared to spend the rest of my life in it, alone, if I have to. To each their own preferences and their own boxes. 
JMO
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:49:58 AM | it might not mocha, thats why i meant to say, if i did not communicate clearly, that those are the odds. some must nots make sense. must not be married for example makes sense to me. but a long list of must nots pretty much tells me you are looking for something very specific and dont have a lot of room to flex. some of the must nots may well box out people who are in a process of change or who have made some sort of mistake. anytime you limit contact you limit potential good and bad contact pretty much equally | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:50:41 AM | It is not a question of boxing myself in but rather a start at separating the wheat from the chaf. For starters, I will not date a smoker so why should I not eliminate them right off the bat?
Other parameters such as age, height, weight, educational attainment and so on are relevant and based upon the preferences I know I have. The whole dating experience is a process of elimination and it is wise to cull early and well. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 9:06:59 AM | If people are only interested in receiving tons of e-mails, then no preferences makes sense to me. But, if one is interested in really meeting someone who they may find an interest in dating/getting to know better, I think that is why dating sites have categories for preferences.
I have enough regard for people not to want to take up their time if I already know they do not have the characteristics that I find desirable. Their time and mine, is too valuable for that. But if it's a quest to see how many e-mails one can receive, no preferences is the way to go. JMHO | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 9:15:44 AM | | There are about 19 boxes that one can check off to limit who can mail you. covering everything from gender to distance lived to what you are looking for. i guess we all have an oppinion on what is important to be blocked. however some of the things i used to block, distance for example, had i not changed it would have kept me from making e friends in other countries and meeting a really special gal who lives out of my area. so i would say again i can see the point of the boxes and not wasting others time, but be careful about boxing too much, have good reason for boxing people out because you might just be boxing out the wrong people | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 10:37:17 AM | I take no offence to it..it's just weeding out what your looking for and what your not looking for. I think it's great to know what you want and don't want...Way too many fish in the sea to consider which ones are your type and which ones aren't. I think I need to redo my profile and be a little more specific in what I'm looking for. Happy  | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 11:24:53 AM |
I guess we all have an oppinion on what is important to be blocked. however some of the things i used to block, distance for example, had i not changed it would have kept me from making e friends in other countries
...Right on, I too made some very special friends from this site. Last year we all got together in Alabama for a week and had an exceptionally good time and a couple of us even "paired up" as a result of that meeting. They just recently announced their engagement, how great is that? And yes, I met someone too, really great guy....I still talk to him, but sadly things didn't work out for a number of reasons.
But the thing is, none of this would have happened if we had let the distance restriction thing get in the way.....I would have missed out on the opportunity of making some really special friends.
...maeflowers | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 12:14:56 PM | ["]It's preconditioning for a potential partner to accept temper tantrums.
When I see someone adamantly proclaiming specifics about what they will tolerate, I can see they are not very tolerant.["]
Mr. Mackevinized, I think you've correctly indentified it there.
Some of the profiles with laundry lists of requirements are good for a hearty laugh thou. Why aren't I seeing posts from these gals saying how successful they've been getting all their requirements met?
For sale: 1985 Yugo $19,999 non- negotionable, really beautiful interior. If your not breaking down the door to buy it oh well, we'll just write you off as another loser. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 12:44:56 PM |
I don't have a lot of limits on my profile because I want forum posters to be able to email me if wanted.
That's not to say I don't have limits when dating...of course I do!
What she said....Yep.
Well.... I did put a few things on mine. Had to have a cut off age to keep the younguns from emailing.
And... I do have a gripe. I prefer to 'date' smokers since I smoke. And, even though I might not use the feature due to Forums..but, I'd like to have the option of clicking a category which said 'Must smoke'. Just like the non smokers have in the 'Must not smoke' choice. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 1:18:35 PM | Sometimes those are simply boundaries, like smoking preferences for instance. Others give enough insight to the person to allow an informed decision by the viewer, so I'm actually glad they're in place; if those are the same filters they use to screen daily life, they are VERY important.
Lets take the popular "no drama", whatever that means. Does it mean, "don't expect to bring your family junkie into my life"? That's a very reasonable boundary for anyone, but the declaration can probably wait until there's a strange dufflebag under a snoring noggin prickled to the award winning rose bushes.
It makes me wonder if the person screens every detail by how it impacts their routines. Which raises questions about their ability to be open and spontaneous. If every detail is measured against the "no drama" standard, will their SO always be a visitor in their home? Sort of a "I've got mine, you're welcome in my life as long as I am happy" type.
The sad part is, those undefined boundaries are presented as absolute declarations in a personals ad, and the suitable mates will likely keep clicking. There are two things the giving types look for in a mate; healthy boundaries and low barriers.
Just view most of them as a "Keep Fishing" sign.
Rick | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 3:17:21 PM | | I had so many things I DIDN'T want in a guy at one time, it a wonder anyone ever contacted me! LOL Self-limiting is a great way to put it, but in my case I was just scared of finding the "wrong" guy that I wasn't leaving room for anyone, especially the right one if he was out there. Mine was fear, which now is gladly over. Have a bottom still to the "box" but the sides and lid are gone forever!! | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:26:11 PM | I know what I want, and what I don't, it's that simple for me. It isn't intended to be negative, if it is perceived that way, it wasn't meant to be.
We all have baggage and past experiences. People who don't want liars, cheaters or headgames probably had to deal with a liar, cheater and game player at some point.
We want what we want...and folks have issues. It's a dating site. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:00:54 PM |
In reading people's "blurbs"---I am quite often amazed at how negative they are.....all the "must not's"---it is like they close themselves off to so many possibilities.
People that ‘box themselves with specifics’ (as you have said, OP) usually list their “Must Haves” and “Must Not Haves” because of things they have already experienced in their life – often with negative results. Everyone has their preferences in whom they choose as friends and mates, but unless the person is fresh on the dating site scene and hasn’t really learned, they’re not usually in the “Must Have” and “Must Not Have” range. I personally seem to like darker-haired women – married two, current g/f is one, and most of those I’ve dated throughout my life have been as well – but it’s hardly something I’d list as a “Must Have”. It took me a month or two, being in this environment, but I quickly learned that I can’t just drive up to the drive-through, order a quarter-McPounder, large fries, and medium black and open up a bag a few minutes later and have those three things appear. But although I do have my personal preferences in people, things that I find appealing, attractive (both mental and physical), they’re not in the “Must Have” or “Must Not Have” category ... because I know that every relationship with someone is different.
But I do have my “Must Not Haves”. Even though I don’t list them specifically on my profile, they are there, and are part of the initial screening process (for lack of a better term) as I first make contact with someone. And those “Must Not Haves” are almost completely because of events that I’ve already experienced and don’t wish to relive. It has nothing to do with being negative or not wanting to open myself to possibilities. For example, I don’t want someone who drinks very much – none, would best – and it’s because of events and experiences in my past with others I have known. Other people on this site might not want someone who is just separated because they’ve been ‘burned’ before. The list can get quite large for folks old enough to be posting on this forum. And I’m not so sure I would attribute a lot of it – for folks over 45 years old that have been on the dating site scene for a while – to being negative and not willing to explore possibilities. I think it’s more being sure of which negative things you’d rather not relive again due to past experiences.
Just my view on it, of course ...
cdn guy | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/17/2008 12:58:40 PM | Rossal,
I couldn’t agree with you more. My mail settings are wide open with no restrictions. I’d hate to miss out on an opportunity simply because some limitation I placed blocked someone from contacting me. I think it’s ironic that you can read posting after posting in which people say it’s important to be open to compromise in order to have a successful relationship, yet these same people put all kinds of restrictions on their profile. Personally if I am attracted to someone & they have a lot of restrictions, I usually choose not to contact them.
Gary | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/17/2008 1:11:34 PM | This goes both ways.....there are just some things that are "deal breakers" for me, and I state that up front...if you're a married child molester who gambles and doesn't work, I think it is pretty clear from my "specifics" (no ex-convicts, addicts, etc.), that we would be wasting each other's time.
I think it's a "mistake" to have no restrictions, and leave yourself "wide open".....that, to me, sounds like a "desperation" move.....anyone will do.....NOT! | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/17/2008 1:20:15 PM | Chocolatebrowne in Msg #49 stated:
I think it's a "mistake" to have no restrictions, and leave yourself "wide open".....that, to me, sounds like a "desperation" move.....anyone will do.....NOT!
My Response:
Maybe I should have been a little clearer in my post. I have no restrictions on my profile so I can do the screening myself versus letting the computer do it for me. From my experience there are lots of things in a person’s profile that are open to interpretation. It’s these “grey” areas that motivate me to do the screening process on my own. If I am contacted by someone & I find some objectionable elements in their profile … I can always choose to either ignore them or politely excuse myself from any further communication.
Gary | |
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