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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/17/2008 1:31:16 PM | I wasn't directing my comments in msg 49 at you, Gary......not at all. I hope I did not offend you.
I was thinking more about WOMEN who don't put any restrictions......somehow, (and unfair and sexist as it is), it comes across as "desperation" for us, even in "real life." | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/17/2008 1:44:09 PM | | ^^ Then it is a two edge sword, if you put down all the things you dont want you seem b1tchy...so you have that or desperate....I prefer to just be me...if a man thinks that cause I have no mail restrictions that I am desperate then I dont have to worry about someone with such a narrow mind messaging me. I just dont think that love should be made to order...you have to be willing to do the work necessary to find love....if that work is just on yourself to make sure you are ready, otherwise love becomes commonplace and you take it for granted. I do think people have the right to have preferences but that when they allow those preferences to limit who they feel they can love then they are just basically missing alot of men/women with potential. Until you KNOW someone how do you KNOW you would be able to love them? | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/17/2008 2:10:27 PM | Sapphire; I guess that would depend on what the restrictions are. I don't have a lot.
But I do know I'm not willing to relocate, so I do have distance restrictions.
I do know I will not date a married man. (separated maybe)
I do know I will not date a smoker.
I do know I'm not attracted to men who are not at least reasonably fit. And I'm pretty active, so he would need to be able to keep up with me. Some restrictions are just common sense, and they save time and effort. On the part of both parties.
However, I don't see it as desperation when people don't have restrictions. And I don't think it means you will accept anyone. I think it just means you want to hear from as many as possible. Guess it really doesn't matter whether you weed them out before or after hearing from them. But at some point, there has to be "weeding out" process.
We all have deal breakers. And I think we're doing others a favor when we list them.
I don't list all of mine. Some things you just can't know up front. JMHO | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/17/2008 2:28:33 PM | Chocolatebrowne,
“I wasn't directing my comments in msg 49 at you, Gary......not at all. I hope I did not offend you.”
No offense taken. However, after reading your post I did feel like I needed to be a little more clear on why I don’t have any restrictions on my profile. The other thing is … when I first began dating almost 2 yrs ago I was desperate … desperate for companionship after being in a relationship for more than 35 yrs. I’ve been working on that real hard & I like to think I’ve overcome those feelings of desperation & become much more comfortable with my single life. Once again … I did not assume that your comments were directed to me but they did make me think about what I had posted earlier & I wanted to clear that up.
By the way … I enjoy reading your posts & this isn’t the first time they’ve made me think. In my mind that’s the beauty of the forums & the people who post to them.
Gary | |
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jvlmm
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Joined: 6/18/2008
Msg: 57 | |
| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/20/2008 7:42:31 PM | | After reading this post and thinking about things, I went back and took out all my parameters...other than must not be married. However, there are certain things I know I do NOT want in a man so I think I will put them back in. If I know right up front, for instance, that I do not want to date a smoker but I don't have that parameter set, when a smoker contacts me it is awkward to say "thanks but no thanks" I don't look at it as boxing myself in; just a way to weed out the things I am firm on. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/20/2008 9:21:19 PM | "I like the right man in my box...so I try not to box myself in :P"
That gets humpday joke of the day here. LOL. Thank you Saphireeyes.
There's weeding people out and then there's not taking responsibility for one's part in their own failures. Let folks scream the victim all they want, its a pretty reliable alarm bell the rest of us can use to weed their own sorry posteriors out. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/21/2008 2:07:01 AM | Daria,
I think you hit on something. Some men will pretend to be something that they aren't just to "qualify"... then weeks, months... hell... years later..... the ugly truth comes out... | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/21/2008 10:28:48 AM | It's really not necessary to list things you don't want. A list of negatives implies a negative or cynical attitude, or someone who can be taken advantage of easily as they've experienced all those negatives previously. Can you say "damaged goods"? Almost any of those things can be expressed in a positive manner instead!
Instead of saying "no liars and cheaters" for example, one can instead say: "seeking someone with personal integrity who desires mutual respect in a relationship." Neither will actually prevent liars and cheaters from responding, but the second way may be more attractive to the people you'd like to have contact you! | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/21/2008 11:02:17 AM | Oddly enough I did have to say to one of my dates...."so you're a liar and an alcoholic" and he said "yes, right on all counts."
I continued to date for awhile because I appreciated his honesty and his desire to change..FOR AWHILE | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/21/2008 12:57:30 PM |
I was thinking more about WOMEN who don't put any restrictions......somehow, (and unfair and sexist as it is), it comes across as "desperation" for us, even in "real life.
Geesh, I hope that's not what people think, holy Toledo!
I have practically no mailing restrictions, because I am exclusively on the forums and enjoy the banter that has come via personal messages because of a post here and there.
One of the best examples I can think of for having removed so many mailing restrictions:
The majority of my new friends and the people on my favourites list are female and believe me none of us 'want' each other.
OT:
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I completely agree with zentral, a few posts above me.
There are definitely better ways to phrase things.
When I see a list of "must not's" in the ABOUT ME section, my eyes quickly begin to blur and my hand, of it's own volition, clicks that mouse.
The negativity it implies at to me brings up a visual of a person who would have a perpetual look of dissatisfaction on their face.
Not the person for me - in any relationship, even just friends - I'm by far too optimistic and easy-going, preferring laughter over pursed lips.
That may not be a fair assessment of the person, but it is the impression I get when I see that huge list.
HnH  | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:28:02 PM | I think a lot of people have no faith in their ability to make sound judgments about those they fall for and so they hope by trying to depersonalize the process and listing specifics (like they are creating an android or something) that it will relieve them of the responsibility of figuring it out the hard way...one day at a time, and provide them with some kind of guarantee.
And then there are the commitmentphobics who don't really want to find anyone, so they make an impossible list of requirements and that way they don't have to become vulnerable to being rejected. (If I reject them all ahead of time, they won't have the chance to reject me.) But they can continue claiming to want a relationship because they are going through the motions. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:36:24 PM | | Oh, and it doesn't work anyway, because those I've met with the least amount of integrity, proclaim themselves as having integrity. The most selfish, claim they are the most caring, etc. I stopped feeling like I was being lied to when I realized that they are lying to themselves and really believe their own BS. Maybe underneath, they are aware of their shortcomings and think by simply claiming they are the opposite, they will make it less true. Humans are so bizarre. | |
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| Wondering Why People box themselves in with Specifics
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:40:05 PM | | Sorta reminds me of a fast food place and they are trying to "have it their way". I just hate when someone wants you to love them the way they want to be loved vs the way you love. People want what they want out of a relationship without ever realizing a relationship is TWO people with two sets of needs, that thru communication and compromise you are able to build a life together that will surpass what you will have by yourself..not that you are happy or complete as an individual...you can be just isnt the same level alone. | |
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