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Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Guy  > What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?      Home login  
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 JasonGrimm
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 51
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?Page 3 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
It've seen some mean women too believe me. Either way, it's all down to hurt egos and bad communication. For example, how many times have we seen those dating shows and the guy wants the girl bad, but then she cancels/Nexts him, and he says "oh you're ugly anyways and your fat" when clearly it's not the case. People do this all the time. It hurts people though. Like on YouTube when people leave bad comments, a lot of people take it to heart and they think that the person's comment was serious. Sometimes people just want to hurt others, they might not have anything against a person's weight but in order to hit them below the belt to make them feel bad, they call them fat.

I always try my best not to let myself become so jaded. A lot of people who hurt others are people who have been hurt by someone else, and then became jaded deciding to hurt others. I have this saying, "the cycle stops here." What that means to me is that I am breaking the cycle. I'm not going to allow myself to become what they did to me and believe me I've had a very tough life.

I think you should be proud of yourself that you had the strength to get away from this picture. I know a really nice girl who was in the EXACT situation as you! I liked her and she had these problems with this guy just as you described and I said he's probably married with kids, how could you have never been to his place in 2 months of going out. So guess what happened, the guys wife came in to her work to scream at her. She was crying upset. So after they break up for weeks she still wants to get back with him! Her last relationship was 5 years. So I won't be surprised if she marryes this guy to have him cheat on her. She's with him again. How could a father lie about his own children! That's horrible. He's going to do the same thing to her. This guy is a lawyer and he is really really good at lying I'm not kidding. He wears armani suits and diamond studded watch. He has a whole thing going. He even took her mother out to eat. He's married with 2 kids.
 WarmBrandie
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 52
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 5:50:31 PM
Jason: Thank you for your words of wisedom. You are so right. I dont want to become bitter, I don't want to be part of that vicious cycle. He has been hurt bad, and I know that, but I don't think I should have to pay for what other women in his life done to him. Maybe he was just getting back at "women" in general, and I just happend to be the one that fell for him. I'm not gonna change who I am because of him. May not be quite as giving from the financial standpoint again, because well, I have nothing to give now My heart is going to remain honest and true and I'm going to be respectful to others. It's just not in me to intentionally hurt people. I dont understand how he could be this way to me. The first time I laid eyes on him there were sparks and he acted the same way I felt.
Thanks for sharing your friends story too. It helps to know I'm not the only dumbass around lol
 m409998m1
Joined: 2/18/2007
Msg: 53
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 6:29:35 PM
It's turning hurt to anger. It's easier for some men to get mad, than feel pain. Plus it's a defense mechanism to protect themselves. In reality they hurt like you do, but they've got to be like John Wayne. Time will tell them it's OK to move on, and the anger will subside.
 samstyles
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 54
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:01:54 PM
OP,

I so understand how you feel. No one else on this planet hearing my side or both sides of the story would ever, or ever has said my ex had much to resent me for and most say the opposite, but because I finally made the decision that I shouldn't allow myself to keep being treated that way he told me he'd spend the rest of his life making sure I was never happy and do what ever it takes, going to prison, dying.... Years later he still seems to be quietly doing his best to keep his promise through our kids. It makes me sick he's willing to use them that way and pretend he cant see what it does to them, or him.

A BF has since made a similar claim but although Im sure he's very cut up about us, and to be honest he has some right to resentment over the way we broke up, I dont think he really means it like my ex.

My son and I had a really bad fall out the other month (partly fuelled by my ex-his Dad) and he swears he wasn't aware of copying, but he chillingly said the same thing almost word for word as his Dad had said it, though we were ok again within a few days.

When men break up with me, they would never expect this behaviour from me and wouldn't get it under any circumstance, and Im not saying that every man behaves like this. I wouldn't know how many women do, though none of my friends or family have ever acted in this way.

Why do men so easily become so bitter and what makes them want to keep their heartache going by not getting past it? I really can't understand!

I'm beginning to think I must go for screwy men with extreme hang ups, but I do wonder if this kind of inability to move on and the need to feel they have control might be common amongst men.
 WarmBrandie
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 55
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:23:49 PM
Sam: I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It is awefull when the kids get hurt due to the parents problems..
I don't think thats the case here, that he hasn't MOVED ON. I think he has, I'm sure he has. No doubt that he's not charming some other chick now. Besides he purposely would tell me about sexual encounters with other women.. 2 at the same time to be exact. I know it was to hurt me, but I do believe he has moved on.. but knowing that I gave in and really felt something for him, gave him the control to hurt me. I am going to be more careful in who I give that control again.
Good Luck, your children will see the truth one day.. may take a while.
 samstyles
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 56
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 7:33:06 PM
Thanks Warmbrandie, that's what I'm counting on.
 slybandit
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 57
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What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:46:43 PM
"What in the world could make someone talk like that to someone they once cared for? I never cheated, never lied, I gave him everything he wanted and then some. Any ideas why he didnt just walk away and not communicate with me anymore? He wanted to torture me for some reason. "

Warmbrandie, for what it is worth, I personally think that Iconoclast has it 1/2 right. Yes, the motivation for his behaviour is sadism. But that does not mean you should not be interested in understanding the motivation for it.

That sadism is probably motivated by the fact that he still has feelings for you.

The reason why he is deriving satisfaction from hurting you emotionally is that you hurt him emotionally by breaking up with him.

Given his behaviour, is that justifiable, reasonable, sensible, logical in any way?

No, but who ever said emotional reactions were logical?

Plus, this guy was obviously messed up before he met you. All the lying about himself, for example. He clearly thought that if you knew the truth about him, you would not want to be with him (and he was quite possibly right about that?).

He obviously has plenty about his life that he is not proud of, likely consequences of bad decision-making on his own part-- as indicated by his persistence in believing that he can just lie his way out of the consequences of his actions.

If I could offer anything, what I would suggest is that if you were to consider the character of this particular individual dispassionately, would you conclude that this is someone whose opinion you would respect? Probably not. You should not let the bad behaviour of one man cause you to internalize suspicion and mistrust of other men. Individuals should be judged based on their own behaviour, not on the basis of other people's behaviour.
 slybandit
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 58
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What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 8:59:57 PM
This post is actually in reaction to something samstyles said:

"Why do men so easily become so bitter and what makes them want to keep their heartache going by not getting past it? I really can't understand!

I'm beginning to think I must go for screwy men with extreme hang ups, but I do wonder if this kind of inability to move on and the need to feel they have control might be common amongst men."

samstyles, both myself and many guys that I know have asked a VERY similar question about women, but in the context of an ongoing relationship. I'm specifically NOT going to make a broad-brush generalization about women, but many women I have been in long term relationships with, and many girlfriends of friends of mine, seem to cultivate incredibly detailed memory scripts of everything their significant other has ever done (or failed to do) over the course of their relationship that hurt them emotionally, and bring it up whenever there is conflict in the relationship. The guys, by contrast, forgive and literally forget.

It's problematic because it very clearly gives the man the impression that they are never really forgiven for anything, and that the relationship is inherently doomed to fail because they can only accumulate mistakes and misdeeds, but never do anything to truly make up for them.

Oh, and for the record samstyles, your ex's use of your children as a weapon against you is beneath contempt. You could be completely off-base, totally at fault for the breakup and simply "playing the victim" and I would have the same opinion. Whatever either of you did to one another has nothing to do with it-- the children are not responsible for what their parents do or do not do, and should not be made to suffer for it.
 WarmBrandie
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 59
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 9:27:18 PM
slybandit: you have some really good points here. I would like to think that our entire relationship was not a lie. Even though he told me alot of lies, I was willing to forgive and yes FORGET too. Once you forgive someone, that issue is over. I know he was ashamed of his past, and probably angry at me for digging it up. I believe that when you truely know someone, the good and the bad, and still love them, then that is unconditional love. I feel like I did the natural thing at the time. I acted out of hurt and distrust when I broke up with him. It didn't take me long at all to miss him, and want to work it out. I did everything in my power to show him I loved him and that I would always be there for him. He wanted no part of it. He did string me a long, just giving me that RAY OF HOPE, but was never really intrested in making it work. He put forth no effort at all after that. I expressed my feelings totally and I got nothing in return. I couldn't live like that. He was already looking for the next partner.I then said that it would be best just to say our good byes now. At this point I hadn't seen him in over a month. He never wanted to see me. I would invite him over and he would make an excuse as to why he couldn't come. He said fine BYE. After a day or two of no communcation, the rage came out in the messages, one minute it was how much he never liked me and how disgusting I was, the next he would say I love you, you know I do, sorry for being mean. This went on a cycle a few times. I had to block him. It was like even hearing the bad stuff was better than nothing at all. I had made myself sick over him and it was unhealthy for me to sit and listen and cry over it everynight. I am doing better now, but still dont understand how he could be soo good at making me think he loved me, then try to mess with my emotions like that. Had he put forth any effort, I'd still be with him. I believe in forgiveness and I believe people can change if they want to, but they have to want to.
 bk0x45
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 60
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What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 9:43:10 PM
WB: Sounds like you're forgiving. He, however, probably isn't. You dumping him hurt, and he couldn't move past that. So while he took you back, he was ambivalent until he felt he could trust you again, but you lost patience before he reached that point, and hurt him again. So, since it was easier for him to handle being angry than to deal with the pain, he chose to get angry. He may also have decided the easiest way to get over you is to hate you. It's possible to confuse the two emotions... they are similarly intense emotions, and so if someone you love hurts you, convincing yourself you hate that person is possible. It is lying to yourself, but it can help sometimes.

Of course, I'm probably projecting heavily here... but I know that these are actual possibilities. No guarantee, of course, that they are applicable in this case. I also don't believe one could truly attempt to hurt someone he truly loves... but that might just be me again.
 WarmBrandie
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 61
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 9:55:22 PM
BK: I think if someone could forgive me for all that, I would have known right then that I could trust that person from that point on. If I loved them, I think I would have ran into their arms instead of running away. I am pretty sure he was pushing me away on purpose. I did ask him when he was ranting one time why he was doing that. He said he had to do something to get me to believe he didnt want me anymore, but continued the ranting. The last words he said before I blocked him were: "I'm sorry for being mean, ok". Like he wanted me to tell him it was ok for him to speak to me that way. He thought I would say once more "ITS OK". I couldn't continue like that. I believe in soulmates and I believe in giving, going the extra mile, and unconditinal love. I also believe that people deserving of this, would be appreciative of it and realize what they have.
 bumskidlitt
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 62
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 10:04:06 PM
Fight or flight: Some people are confrontational and hostile, others just want to be left alone. I'm more of an evasive type, so those who antagonize drive me up a wall. Note that these types also like to have a scapegoat to convey their problems upon and their bitterness to avoid dealing with their woes.
 slybandit
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 63
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What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 10:07:37 PM
Warmbrandie, the more you tell me about the course of your relationship with this guy, the more convinced I become that he was, and is, fairly psychologically messed up. The behaviour you describe is pretty bizarre and I'm not at all surprised that you did not emerge entirely unscathed.

It just seems like he felt like he had to create a false image of "himself" and convince you of it, or else the relationship was not good enough, because if you wanted him for what he really was, you would not be good enough...because (he is thinking) who could be worthwhile if they want to be with someone as bad as him? Self-hatred, anyone?

You should really try to control your emotions and not allow yourself to feel anything about this person, really stop thinking about him at all. It's not your responsibility to nurse every bird with a broken wing out there, and certainly not that bird.
 WarmBrandie
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 64
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 10:13:06 PM
slybandit: OMG!! makes total since.. I need to buy you a drink.. yeah if I could love someone like that, and forgive all that, I must be pretty messed up or desperate right?? makes sense, not the case at all, it was because I did care for him so much and loved the guy I had developed a relationship with, but I could see how he would think that. As soon as I found out his real name and who he "used" to be, EVERYTHING" changed. DAMN.. forgive my french.. how could I not see that.. makes PERFECT SENSE to me now!!!
muah
 slybandit
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 65
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What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 10:31:30 PM
Well, I graciously accept your virtual drink. After that nonsense, though, it sounds more like you are the one that would need it.

And don't start considering yourself messed up, desperate or any of that nonsense over this episode. HE's messed up. Your difficulty is that you slid into a borderline-masochistic scenario because your emotions were so wound up into this individual that you were not perceiving his behaviour too clearly.
 BillieG
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 66
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 10:33:27 PM
"""""Billie: Thats great!! I hate to have enemies/people mad at me. It does bother me, but not much I can do about that. I can get along with almost anyone. I would like to still be friends and be able to chat. I cared alot for his kids and miss them too, but without some serious apologies, I can't see us ever speaking again."""""


personally im never in relationships for 1-3 months.. i do the long term deal.. im in it for the long haul..

and my reason being why i make it peacefull... I spent 1-3 years with the kitten.. why the **** would I be bitter about it??? thats like saying i waisted my life for the last 3 years..

I know shit has hit the fan and its over.. but I definately am not gonna trash talk any of my ex's no reason.. and if you do.. it really shows the person you are..
 bk0x45
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 67
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What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 11:05:52 PM
WB: Like I said, you seem to be a forgiving kind of person. I know that I am not, so it is possible neither was he. I learned the hard way that once someone (intentionally) hurts you once, they will almost certainly do it again, so the first time it happens, no matter how much it hurts to be without that person, it is best to walk away. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I'm not a masochistic romantic.

On a related note... does the guy in question perhaps have addiction issues? Because he sounds just about messed up enough for that... especially with the 'sorry makes everything okay' philosophy.
 WarmBrandie
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 68
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/16/2008 11:20:42 PM
No addictions that I'm aware of.. I guess my forgiveness comes from having the need for forgivenss and also being taught to forgive in church. I just have to learn that forgivness doesnt mean allowing it to continue.. Do you not believe that people make mistakes and sometimes need forgiveness? Maybe not as far as this situation goes, but I know marriages that have been through some really trying times and have survived the bad, forgiven their partners, and lived happily together. Their love didnt end because one goofed up or did something they shouldnt have.
We all make mistakes and need forgiveness. Sometimes, you dont know what you have to till its gone lol but I see what your saying..
 bk0x45
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 69
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What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/17/2008 2:12:20 AM

Their love didn't end because one goofed up or did something they shouldn't have.


Well of course not. Love, true love, never ends. It lasts forever, no matter what. Sometimes, love isn't enough, though. In fact, that's probably true more often than not. Staying in a relationship just because of love isn't healthy... there also needs to be communication and trust. And once trust is violated, it can be exceptionally difficult to ever trust again. Some can forgive and trust again easily... some can't.

And yeah, one of these days I should really work on being more forgiving... and maybe I'll be able to forgive myself then. Or so I'm told. Meh. Maybe if I can figure out a way to be certain that the pain I'd be opening myself up to would be less than what I'd be getting rid of...

But you're right... people make mistakes and need forgiveness. That doesn't mean I'm going to be the one to give it to them.
 samstyles
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 70
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/17/2008 4:39:08 AM
children are not responsible for what their parents do or do not do, and should not be made to suffer for it.

Slybandit,

I obviously couldn't agree more about this. I think I could probably forgive my ex and move on if only he truly put the kids first like he professes. We are both to blame for bringing kids in to an unsuitable relationship, but to me it only makes it more important to do our best for them in preference to anything else.


many girlfriends of friends of mine, seem to cultivate incredibly detailed memory scripts of everything their significant other has ever done (or failed to do) over the course of their relationship that hurt them emotionally, and bring it up whenever there is conflict in the relationship. The guys, by contrast, forgive and literally forget.


I wont deny that my ex said this very thing about me, my justification was that a mistake made once should be and was forgiven, but if it was made over and over again then that was relevant to whether I felt it was a mistake or an outright disregard for me and the apology and desire not to repeat it was bullsh*t. Sometimes the mistake was slightly different, but the issue basically the same.

However, he held lots of stuff against me too in the same way, stuff we'd talked about and he'd professed to see in one light when we were together, but when we broke up he told the story in a very different way. I'll never know if he'd always seen it like that and just not said to keep the peace or whether his perception of events changed when he decided he'd definitely lost me and wanted to hate me and twisted his memory to help that. It saddens me to think he might have seen it that way all along and hid it, building resentment without hope of overcoming it because it was under the carpet.

The amount of things he'd done behind my back over many years, the amount of deception that never even caused enough trouble to his conscience for him to admit things even when I had black and white proof, the way he'd have me believe I was bonkers and worthless to encourage me to believe him and then the way he totally changed his viewpoint on various parts of our history when we broke up was pretty crushing. That final blow just left me feeling that there was nothing true or worthwhile about any of our decade and a half together(except our sons obviously, though if I could go back I'd wait to have them until in a stable and happy relationship worthy of them!).

However, his anger and vengefulness have actually helped me in a way. If he'd have carried on playing the victim and trying to have me believe I'd got it all wrong there would have always been more doubt in my mind and I'd have always doubted myself much more. Him dropping some of the pretence helped me 'wake up' and see him like most of the rest of the world does!
 KariAllyn
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 71
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/17/2008 5:14:09 AM
to be honost. i guy doesnt really feel the need, or is afraid, to express his emotions to his ex girlfriend so he bottles it up inside afraid of being rejected again. i say rejected because, for example, if aguy, for what ever eft up reason decided to open up to his ex, she would most likely: A) laugh at him and make fun of him for weeks, months, and in some cases, years to come. thus reducing his balls, which were free of oppression, into insignificant sesame seeds confined inside a glass case of emotion B) brush it of like what he said never happened and continued on her new found freedom. which in turn makes him feel unwanted, confirming his suspisions that she never really cared about him in the first place,or C) realize she was wrong for breaking up with him and gets back together, Trapping him in a situation, HE GOT OUT OF, but was stupid enough to tuck his testicles into his under carriage and, like it was made of sweet home made honey, pure his heart out...
i'm not here to say women are evil, (you do have tons more attitude than guys will ever have though) all im saying is that we were hurt once and decided at the point of separation, never to feel like the pile of rubish we felt. And in making that decision, the only way to insure that it happens, is to put up a wall of defence for the time being.
Ladies, my advise to you if you are in that type of situation, is to ignore it. just politely deal with it and brush it of your shoulder like a worn out $5 purse, cuz us guys are just being imature and selfish when ever we feel the pain of losing some one we, in reality, LOOKED UP TO. And don't worry we eventually get over it in a matter of weeks, months, and in some cases... years.

KariAllyn
 samstyles
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 72
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/17/2008 5:25:36 AM
Kari,

threats, verbal abuse and sometimes worse seems a lot to have to

ignore it. just politely deal with it and brush it of your shoulder like a worn out $5 purse

Especially when it can be regular for

a matter of weeks, months, and in some cases... years.

It seems pretty unhealthy for the bloke too!
I still dont understand why they feel the need to scare and intimidate someone who they previously seemed to want to love and protect. No matter what has gone on you'd think that having shared with someone on such an intimate scale would have a sort of 'sacred'(for want of a better word) status and they wouldn't want to mar those memories and show themselves up in a way that had that person think so badly of them.

Then, despite having had to learn to stand up for myself and family, Im very much a pacifist so such aggression will probably always be a mystery to me!
 NuttyIrishman
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 73
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What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/17/2008 6:16:55 AM
Is there anything I could have done to make this easier on him???

Best thing probably would've been to leave after you spotted the first several red flags. ;) Probably wouldn't have helped this guy in the long run, but you might have avoided being the target of his abuse at least. Or not. Some guys get abusive upon any rejection, perhaps because they're overly invested before things even get started.

Anyway, to answer your question more generally, many people respond bitterly to loss. You may have heard of the "five stages of grief":

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kubler-Ross_model

The basic idea is that people respond to catastrophic losses in predictable ways. Usually they respond with some combination of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It doesn't always happen in that order, and you don't always hit all five. Anyway, you can probably see how this relates to your situation. :) It's pretty common for people to react to a breakup with some combination of denial and anger -- "You didn't dump me, I dumped you. Crazy skank ho'." Now mature, well-adjusted people tend to deal with these emotions better, and they're less likely to see a short-term relationship as a catastrophic loss in the first place. (And even the more fragile among us have coping strategies other than anger -- I think bargaining and depression are a common alternative.)

It sounds like your guy wasn't mature or well-adjusted, so his reaction may have been inevitable. Probably best to forget, move on, and pay better attention to red flags in the future. It'd be nice if we could save everyone -- I know, I have that inclination too -- but it's important to recognize your limits. Some folks are beyond our ability to help, and sometimes even professional help is not enough.
 WarmBrandie
Joined: 7/12/2008
Msg: 74
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/17/2008 6:42:45 AM
Irishman: I think this all helped me to understand that maybe he did indeed feel he had "lost" somthing. With that being said, I can understand the reasoning to lash out. I had lost something to but understood that I still cared for him. I was angry also, but handled it differently. What hurt me the most was thinking that he didn't consider it a loss. That he never liked/wanted me and it was all a lie. I think through reading all of these responses, I can safely say that he did value me to some degree or he would have had no emotion at all. I think by acting the way he did, he accomplished his goal of making me feel "unworthy, unattractive, and unwanted".
Thanks for your insight.
 bgrumling
Joined: 2/28/2008
Msg: 75
What makes men so mean and bitter after break up?
Posted: 8/17/2008 8:12:51 AM
i must say i had a similar experience with a woman i met on the site. she was a beautiful blue eyed brown haired artistic. she was a dancer and a artist and loved music. gal that I loved to death. I would hold her jacket for her while she put it on, give her flowers, open her car door, let her sit down and eat first at dinner. stand up when she came to or left the table or room. I would let her choose the music, the movie etc. I never said a mean thing to her. Her comment once was you are everything a woman wants and looks for. (obviously from my attached pic that cant be true). and we were hitting it off great. then one night we were physically intimate and then the next day she told me she hated me and never wanted to see me again and the only thing she says is she is mad at me for everything.
Now that was just the preface. Its all out of hurt and anger. Men have a tendency when we are hurt to talk out of anger bitterness and hurt. Its our way of dealing with things. And we do it because its our way of getting back at the women that break up with us. we would much rather dump then be dumped.
so don't worry hes just mad and hurt. but the best thing you did was get him out of your life. I have a rule if you cant be honest and froward with me from the start then you wont be down the line and just move on cause I wont live like that. and with the lies he told you from the start, maybe its a blessing in disguise because mr right might be around the corner. dont look it will come to you.
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