| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 8:20:01 PM | i am not much for quoting the bible... and am not a religious person...however, i think this quote pretty much sums up the malady facing us with the drop and click dating scene we have found ourselves in today: "the fool's eyes are to the end of the earth..."
what this means is that the fools is always looking off into the distance for what he wants, thinks he needs, etc. instead of looking at what is right in front of him. the other day i was literally sitting in an internet cafe bar without a computer for once. i sat there and watched all of these people iming people from half way across the country or the world instead of even bothering to look up and notice anyone that happened to walk by them.
also, i think the internet gives a person the illusion of many options. as a matter of fact, it may in fact give many of us who are not good at romantic multi tasking tooo manyyyyy options! lol! i know for myself... if i open my inbox and find 30 new messages it can be a bit overwhelming to go through them all. as a result, i have often just deletd the whole thing.
the internet is just a tool, and it is not going to somehow deliver the perfect mate to you. a person still ahs to be willing to do the work to create a relationship.
lar | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 8:48:54 PM | | This online dating is seductive in its ease of use, unlimited (or so it seems) choices and superficial contact. My friends who are online say they experience "the next best (or better) thing" syndrome happening. This sure isn't a replacement for getting out there and expanding your contacts in the real world. | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 8:56:07 PM | No but...
If Internet dating actually worked, it would be the BEST place to find a girl/guy!
In a place where you can actually list and compare interests and wants, it should be easy as apple pie!
The problem is that not everyone is serious about it.
Most profiles act as if they are actually wanting to meet that match. Truth is:
Some people are just here to profile surf.
Some to chat.
Some to find online friends.
Some to cheat on their significant others.
Some to do a combination of the above and will only meet if 90% of their high standards list are almost perfectly achieved.
The remaining few are actually seriously looking and wanting to find a match.
Like I said, it SHOULD be the best way to find a girlfriend/boyfriend who is a great match and has similar personality and wants as you. But unfortunately it is not because the system doesn't work well because people aren't totally honest in their intentions whether it is to themselves or to others they are supposedly seeking. | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:03:10 PM | These single’s sites have nothing to do with me being single. I was married most of my life up until 4.5 years ago.
I am actually glad there is such a thing as these sites.
- I’ve worked from a home office (that I built on to the back of this house) for 18 years. I never see anyone. I don’t even leave the house all that much. Those of you that work out in the public - should count your blessings when it comes to some RL possibilities. I have no doubt what so ever - that if I worked in a big office building - I would have a special gal in my life.
- Bars? ......... well just how cool is it to see a guy my age - looking at some 22 yo hardbody’s butt at some bar ???. I went to a few bars when I first got divorced. I saw the older guys trying to look wealthy - trying to attract .......... ugg. They looked like fools to me. Ok ok - I did ..... umm score with a beautiful much younger gal but ..... it was all about the casual sex - not for me.
- Single’s events? - I also tried that for about a year. The same people went to the events. For every nice looking gal there was 50 guys trying to out funny each other. The funny part was watching them trip over each other trying to impress her lol.
This site is stricky entertainment. I have long ago - forgot about trying to actually make some kind of connection. There is way too much “head spin” going on. “there is a guy - wait there is another one” - too much “flavor of the day” ......... poor girls. You can’t help wondering if they ever get neck problems from all the head spinning lol. | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:08:37 PM | Everyone makes good points. I don't think there is a simple answer. One thing that happens on dating sites is that people begin to use an ideal list. Our profile info is much more than we would normally get in the real world. So, what happens to your odds when you use even 3 or 4 traits and start checking people off your list???
For example: Suppose you want a date with someone who is your religion, a certain height, a good level of intelligence, non-smoker, good looking, within 5 years of your age, similar sense of humor and same politics as you. You can see all this in profiles. So how many people match???
Height 5'6 to 6'2" - 30%
Above average intelligence - 40%
non-smoker - 65%
Fairly good looking - 30%
within 5 years - 10%
similar sense of humor after a few email exchanges - say 40%
Same politics - 40%
Suppose there are 100,000 eligible matches within 15 miles of you.
100,000 * 30% * 40% * 65% * 30% *10% * 40% * 40% = 37.44 people
How many of these "perfect" matches are going to find you the right match for them. If you are Mr. or Miss Perfecto, maybe 20%, and that is high.
38 * 20% = 7.6, let's say 8 people out of 100,000.
Ok, now try to meet 12 new matches every week from the 100,000. In order to get through 1/8 of 100,000 to have a good chance of meeting your Mr. or Miss perfect, you need to look for 240 years!!!!
Hmmm, no wonder people have problems hooking up online. If you start to eliminate dates online because they miss one of the things you are looking for, you may be surfing online a looooong time. So, if someone is interested in you and not the perfect match, height, look, age, politics, maybe we should think about lightening up our requirements. Whatever happened to being appreciative that someone just happens to like you? Isn't that the most important thing to start a relationship on? | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:42:14 PM | I hardly think that the 1% to 2% of the people of the world that have the internet AND use it for trying to meet potential mates is causing any noticeable harm to society as a whole. True, with the internet, some people don't historically socialize in the same manner as before the internet.
I wonder if the same question was asked with the advent of other technology, such as the telephone or television.
It would seem to me that there will always be a segment of society that embraces new technology and will try to use it to their advantage when it comes to seeking other people, especially potential mates. Can you imagine what questions will be asked when virtual reality becomes the norm?? Just think, you can create your own virtual perfect mate, why go out and find one?
But people still will procreate and they can only do that the old fashioned way (for now).
Bluezzz | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:43:44 PM | Yuo are right my parents met at a jewish singles dance. I don't think they even have those anymore... These days people act like the prom is the biggest deal. You pay a lot of money for tieckets, maybe a limo, and spend jhundreds of dollars on clothes you'll probably never wear again. All for what? I never went to my proma nd my parents never went to either of theirs. My Dad is 13 years older than my mom. There was no internet in their days and in fact There wasn't internet in my days either. At least not a viable internet for the public. In fact I hated the internet until 1998 when I first used cable broadband. I hated dialup always getting disconnected and the slowness of it all. It would take 30-90 seconds to connect and you would get kicked off the internet every 5 minutes.
When it comes to dating I met girls at the town pool during the summertime in highschool. And when itn colleg eI met girls on campus randomly flirting or at the mall ramndomly. Never had much luck in bars. I always get phone numbers but then they don;t pick upthe phone even though its the real number beuase you hear the message. I have luck in meeting women in person and talking. I am a bit unusual and you have to know me ro get my sense of humor. I think that fear of meeting holds many women back. they hear a story of someone getting murdered after meeting someone online in person. usually its an underaged girl meeting someone in a secluded place froma social networking site and not 2 adults meeting in a public place for a date. I ahve been in many realtionships. And I think the only thing holding people back are the peiople themselves being unsure of themselves or being afraid to meet and something great coming of it becuase of a few negative experiences. THen you get the ones who fear realtionships when everything goes great. You ahve a nice date or 2-3 and then they dump youy saying its not you its me or some other lame excuse. Yuo ever get that? You go on a few dates get to know eachother maybe she gives you aBJ or you have sex. YOu just enjoy eachtoher's company, maybe you meet her family or friends... Its really a fear of commitment on their part.
People don;t need to have the same hobbies or like all of the same things. in fact if we did it would be boring. To me a girlfirend is liek abest friend that you kiss and cuddle and have sex with. You can just enjoy eachother's company and be happy doing anything it can be any activity or even inactivity. In summary online dating does not cause people to be single, people ahve been single since the dawn of time. you are single tilly ou meet someone. Fear causes people to be single and inaction and self-isolation causes lonliness. | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 10:00:31 PM |
Will anybody even be out there if we do go out?
I know for a fact there are people out there. I actually did my own little "study" tonight. I wrote down people I have met in the past 8 years, where/how I met them, their ages and professions and why I didn't date them. The end result wasn't all that surprising. The real world has been far more productive for me since becoming single. The net offers quantity, not always the quality we think we've found. I don't know ~ seems to me that I do much better offline than on. 
There are 2 million women on POF, approx.
I think it's important to keep our statistical information reasonable here, I think you have a serious issue with making women the root of all evil. Women on this site aren't the only flaw with online meeting/dating. We have the very same struggles here that most men have. I state "most" because if your posts are factual, you should have at least 5-10 "promising" relationship happening right this very moment. I do recall you mentioning "30 women in the past year" and you estimate there is promise with 1 in 3. That's an awful lot of "relationship" happening, at least by most standards. If that's factual, kudos to you. I just find it highly improbably. But it's very likely just how I personally view your "research/testimonials" here in forums.  | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/19/2008 10:15:29 PM |
. Women on this site aren't the only flaw with online meeting/dating.
They are in my city...I'd rather fight Bikers in a local strip joint than meet other women like the ones I've already met from here...I'll take my chances in the real world to find someone decent...better odds...more fun... | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/20/2008 2:23:58 AM | | I should definitely get out more, I just don't know what to do. I'm sure I'd be quite popular if I was part of a social circle that allowed me to meet new people. But for some reason things just didn't turn out that way. I can't tear myself away from the internet because it's practically my only social outlet. You could say to me "You need to meet more people. You should turn off that damn computer and get out there." But is it the problem or is it the symptom? Do I spend too much time alone because I spend too much time on line? Or do I spend too much time on line, because I'm alone so much? | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/20/2008 5:44:02 AM | OP
I've come to believe that human nature has changed little if any over the past several thousand years. Just take a look at Greek Mythology or any other ancient writings that have survived.
The internet causing us to be single. It's like saying cars caused promiscuity. All that happened was it moved from the back of a horse drawn buggy to the back seat of a car. I don't think we can honestly blame peoples short comings or not getting what we want romantically on technology.
BTW from what if seen & heard of "New Age" there isn't anything NEW about it but actually a return to older beliefs. | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/20/2008 5:58:02 AM |
What has the world come to? Would we have more success if we actually went out more instead of spending countless hours on the internet? Do people even go out anymore? I hope people are still going out.. a balance is good.  | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:05:08 AM | It's funny that I come across this article. I was checking my mail and every thing and I just started laughing uncontrollably. This is really messed up. Has it really come to this.There are millionsa of people on these sites trying to hook up with some one. Some are here just for games and some are serious. So what has our world come to. What do one do? I am also searching. lol | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:45:14 AM | It's interesting because my last 2 "serious relationships" were with women met on dating sites. One lasted 3.5 years and previous 1 year. The longest one we moved in within 8 weeks and I was very happy! As I see it if I had met these women in a pub/via a friend/at work etc they would still have been the same relationships as the same people were involved! If I hadn't been looking onthe internet I probably wouldn't have met them.
I suppose it depends on the individual circumstances & for me an issue is time ie do I really want to go to pubs and clubs at my age and look for women? I have to trust that my intuition will lead me to the "perfect partner"...who of course I may meet in Tesco or wherever. The internet is just one way of meeting people but at least there is a common goal but it can be soul destroying!
I am eternally optomistic! When I do meet her I will guarantee I will come off the site! | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/20/2008 9:25:20 AM | No, it is not the Internet that is causing us to be single. That is just scapegoating.
We are single because we have not found suitable partners.
In fact, the Internet can be a useful tool, to help us meet other people.
Really, nothing is CAUSING us to be single. We were born that way.
To get unsingle, we need to meet and interact with potential partners. That is a job, so to say, and requires that we work at it.
If you are single, but do not want to be, then get out of the house, and meet some new people. | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/20/2008 10:46:41 AM |
VGE, when one refers to the "numbers games", if one gets part of it wrong, it changes the whole thing. I said that, over the course of a little over 8 years, in between relationships, I have had "first meets" in person with over 30 women. While it's possible to meet 30 in one year, and I have read some threads, where people have done that, those are people who are holding their own "speed dating" event, doing very little "pre screening", and essentially meeting anyone who wants to meet. My personal experience is 31-32 over 8 years, hardly a difficult number to achieve for anyone, who is really trying. It's been about 1 meet for every 3 weeks, when I've been "in the game".
Got it. Thanks for the clarification. I suppose mathematically, that would be 112 women total (1 every 3 weeks = 14 per year; times 8 years would = 112 women) which in my mind, might equate to speed dating or just meeting anyone with little pre-screening. However, since you admit there were periods of "being in the game" (nice choice of verbage, i.e.: 'game') that would indicate there were some down periods, maybe a relationship or two or more, or whatever. I guess I find that a tad perplexing because if it really as easy as you profess, why are you still here? Hypothetic question. I know the routine answer. Again, thanks for the clarification. Happy posting. | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/20/2008 10:05:35 PM | We might meet more quality people, in that there are so many people who seem to be addicted to dating sites, into cybering and all that crap, my friend's ex even posted pics of his weenie online for women to comment on while he was dating her and would cyber other girls via text - and couldn't understand why she was so upset since he wasn't physically cheating!
I do go out a lot, but I'm rarely approached unless someone is either drunk or an extreme nut case! I had one guy from my-spaz develop a wacky obsession with me and my photography and sent me over 100+ messages on myspace with comments on over 700 of my photos - and he would do it under multiple identities so I couldn't keep up with him! On POF I've received "form mails" and after getting the same exact email from the same guy several times, asked him to kindly stop sending me form letters he sent me nasty messages and blocked me! lol
I can't imagine that kind of wackiness would have happened when my parents were dating! They met because my mother was on a scavenger hunt and was stealing a tiger from the esso station - they were married in 6 months and that was over 40 yrs ago and still going strong! LOL My grandfather was helping my grandmothers friend move and she was upstairs - fell down the steps and into his lap - they were married within 8 months and married over 80 years!
I think people trusted more, before the internet. There are just way too many ways to cheat now, or find someone to cheat with, and more forms of cheating! Not only that, people are much more picky - online dating kind of reminds me of clothes shopping... Hmmm, would he look good on my arm? lol | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/21/2008 5:51:52 PM | "I do go out a lot, but I'm rarely approached unless someone is either drunk or an extreme nut case!"
This is my point. You're an attractive woman. I think we rely too much on the internet. It softens the rejection. The truth is, it doesn't hurt to get rejected over the internet. The internet becomes our default dating mechanism. That's sad. I'm guilty of it. | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/21/2008 6:15:43 PM | Well ...I can maybe be unsingle .......i just posted this elsewhere ...any suggestions ...i would appreciate .........
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Forget that ......I just saw a picture of a beautiful woman .....and I can't email her ..... I think she doesnt want smokers ......but I can quit ....anyone know where i can post this to get help ...if not here ...or how I can send her a message ....she could be the girl of my dreams !!!! | |
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| Is the internet actually causing us to be single?
Posted: 8/21/2008 6:33:56 PM | | I think the internet is a great way to meet people. It's the fact that there are so many "fish in the sea" available that causes us to disregard someone that may have been a good mate. For instance, If I go on a date and say I really like him but not the haircut, or 1 of his teeth was crooked, etc. I'm back looking for someone a little bit better. We never really get to know the "person". We chat a few times, meet and say NAHHHH.. I can do better than that. When you do find someone you want a relationship with, and they do one thing you don't like, or you have a disagreement, guess what.. Your back here looking for the NEXT FISH. Its too easy to move on. When you work with someone, or meet someone in the real world, you get to know that person first. You know about their families, their values, likes/dislikes, all through normal day to day conversations. Maybe your not as attracted to them at first, but the attraction can grow when you look beyond the cover and read the book..I'm guilty of that also. | |
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