| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:30:02 PM | Its true that not all men are bad....You can always keep the "i want list" but always remember that you could not always have it all...trying something different would be good too. You dont have to stop making initial contact...talk to whoever seems interesting to you and yes you can wait as well for them to pick you. And giving up is not the solution to the problem and becoming a nun is a calling from God not an act of desperation...
love takes time, it does not happen in a split seconds, its a learning process where you always grow, it doesnt mean that you always met the wrong guy or that you have chosen the wrong ones, You just have not met yet your Mr Right. The man who will love you and does not give you a lot disappointments. JUST BE PATIENT! | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:38:45 PM |
Sometimes we still have unresolved stuff with our exes. Also, there are probably likable traits as well that you are attracted to in these guys that may remind you of your ex. Also, the things you mention are very common undesirable traits, so the fact they are just like your ex, heck they are just like other people as well.
...
We are all on "best" behavior in the beginning, as the relationship progresses we start seeing the other sides of the person (and we all have them). I think, at least that is what I have learned, is to look at the person exactly for what they are and ask myself is this something that I can accept. I know that there will always be conflicts and depending on both individuals' ability to resolve, find balance, etc.. there are some things that can be worked out. However, if you cannot, and start seeing a LOT of behaviors that were not there inititally, I think that is when you know that the person is not meant for you and move on. I have found also, that some of those who seem to be the greatest in the beginning (too good to be true) often times are too good to be true and they just know what it takes to hook someone and once they have the real person comes out. Being able to extract yourself before you get in too deep I think is the key.. How can you possibly see all of that inititally, they aren't going to tell you "I am a liar, cheat, etc..."
KRN
This is an excellent post! I'd like to add that sometimes our unresolved issues go further back than "our ex", like all the way to our childhood. We may find partners who in some way resemble a problem from our family of origin and through them try to fix the past. "Being able to extract yourself before you get in too deep" is blindingly difficult in such a relationship, but as you say, it is key. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:50:54 PM |
I'd date me in an instant if I could.
LOL! Thanks for the chuckle Droleci! The more I read your posts, the more I think you deserve a wonderful woman. | |
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| Hey Lib
Posted: 8/20/2008 9:46:57 PM |
I understand people very well.
Really? Do you understand how utterly boorish you are? Understand that dude. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/20/2008 9:51:44 PM | You need to stop being the person that those types of men are attracted to. I'm serious. It may take some good therapy or you may be able to get some good self-help books and work on it yourself but the fact is, men like that can see you from a mile away, you need to figure out the behavior that attracts the flies. It ain't easy, it requires brutal honesty with yourself and some moments of feeling like an idiot, but it works and the outcome is worth it.
If you still end up with the same kind of guy, then you didn't work on yourself as well as you thought.  As hard as the actual working on yourself is, it really is that simple, figure yourself out and stop attracting these types of men.  | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/20/2008 10:02:48 PM | If a woman would make a great friend even if there
were no love interest, that's the most important test
a potential GF must be able to pass. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/20/2008 10:35:52 PM | Here is how you stop picking me like your ex-husband.
Pay attention to the red flags. You do see the red flags, but you dismiss them, or ignore them away, till they come back to bite you on the butt.
Paying attention to red flags, they are what can guide you safety on this journey.
Red flags are your friend, not your enemy.
Then figure what works best with your personality and pick men who have those traits.
Another poster had it right when he said focus on your needs not your wants. Althought it's more complicated then that, but I don't want to get to deep here...one step at a time. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/21/2008 3:35:57 AM | I can't believe I haven't seen this mentioned yet (maybe I missed it- I skimmed a few posts) but maybe the reason you can't attract Mr. Wonderful is because the single guys in your age range are mostly ones whose wives kicked them to the curb. It's been hard enough for me to meet good men in my 20's and 30's when single men have abounded- I don't imagine I'd have many dates when I'm 60 if I remained as picky as I am now.
What is it you crave most from a man-- companionship? Sex? Intimacy? Maybe you'll find that if a guy can offer you what it is you want most then it won't really matter if he has no money or if he doesn't share your interests. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/21/2008 6:16:38 AM | I saw a quote once that went something like this: "Women don't leave good men" so I'm always a bit skeptical when meeting a man who has been dumped/divorced..etc..
Also I think that self-esteem has alot to do with the type of person that we attract or are attracted to.. If I had a low self-esteem I would search out or be attracted to men who were not good for me mentally or physically. Same could be applied to men. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/21/2008 6:23:34 AM | Lil Brooker:
You are so correct... Some years back read a book (can't remember the name) that said that we WILL attract into our lives the person from our family of origin that we had the most difficulty with or unresolved issues. And, the book also indicated that if both parties are mature enough to work thru those issues together that they will not only have a successful relationship but will heal their past as well. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/21/2008 7:37:03 AM | In your list of wants, you gave looks and height more importance than honesty and morals. How come? Looks fade over time, and chances are if they've been told from a young age that they are good to look at, then they havn't had to spend much too much time on their personality, so when their looks are gone, what are they left with?
Obviously, I'm no expert or I wouldn't be here, but when your'e in company with a guy, maybe you could try listening to the underneath stuff, like..
Was the break up from his ex all her fault? If so, then he is either lying to himself or you, coz it always takes two to tango.
And if you are always blaming your ex, then you need to look deeper and own the stuff you got wrong too. Remember, when you tell a guy how badly the last one treated you, they're either going to think you expect too much or too little.
all the best | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:06:21 AM | yeh, patterns are a big key. It took a long time for me to realise that people can only continue to treat me badly as long as I allow them to. Once I stopped acting like a victim, I started attracting a better type of person.
Its all very well telling yourself you're worth more, you have to believe it. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/26/2008 7:03:33 PM |
eagleeric............it must be so wonderful to be so perfect, standing on that tall pedestal you've put yourself on. Be careful you don't fall......I guarantee you it'll hurt when you hit bottom. And you WILL.
LIB
It isn't that I'm standing on a pedestal but rather you're standing in a very deep hole!
The Eagle | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/26/2008 7:58:25 PM | I think msg. 60 made a whole lot of sense. I was only married once and left my husband because of his bad treatment of me. Since I have been dating, the older I get, most of the men have been divorced twice or more. I think almost in every case, when I asked who has filed it has been the woman leaving the man. Usually it doesn`t take a whole lot of dates for me to identify the personality traits and behaviors that probably inhibited these men from being able to take part in a healthy marriage. Not all people have the skill levels necessary to create and sustain a healthy relationship, and unless they realize it and work on it, nothing will change. Most just feel betrayed
because their wives left them. I have never seen where they address why all the women in their lives leave them. Many really have blinders up when it comes to realizing why they are always left. They don`t want to hear about it or fix it. | |
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| Hey Lib
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:02:15 PM | LDYnBLK I give you a ton of credit for saying its you. Honestly it is you, people get bitter and blame the opposite sex for all there problems. The reality is usually its our fault, something we did or something totally about us.
You posted a list of things you wanted, I'm quite positive I could have you meet 100 guys that have the things you want and its quite possible you wouldn't be attracted to any of them. What actually attracts you to someone and what you look for in someone is two completely different things. If your serious about not repeating your process of partners, take some time to really get to know yourself. Talk to every guy you can and kind of break down whats coming across in the conversation and why you are attracted to some and not others. If you do it I think you will find distinct traits in there personality. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/27/2008 2:16:13 AM | op, in addition to itsmargo's amazingly personal and helpful (to me...thanks m!:) post, I've looked and not seen anyone else mention this thought that came to me reading your original post -
'...and I've had email and IM conversations with tons of men. I've even gone so far as to meet and few...'
I'd say turn it around - no, doesn't mean meet tons of men, I mean email a few and meet them much sooner than later. I would not IM since it is an energy guzzler and time consumer and in many ways even less revealing of the real person than emails and phone calls. (not that it's not great fun, but you're wishing for a real connection and potential relationship and not lots of virtual ones, aren't you?).
I make this suggestion because I have found no matter how wonderful or good a relationship is online, inevitably the longer one has one in the virtual world, the more impressions and projections naturally appear and so it is almost always a bit of a shock to discover them in real life and see they are nothing like what you had imagined.
And so, cut down on the online relating and increase the in-person real life meetings and see if that does not change the dynamics of what is happening also.
No one is ever who you think they are or will be. Keeping an open heart and mind seems to be vital to being open and excited about the discovery of who another person is... and not get lost in the disillusionment of who they are not.
Thanks for starting this thread. There is so much helpful advice from many here (for many here too :).
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:39:57 AM |
In your list of wants, you gave looks and height more importance than honesty and morals. How come?
I thought I was the only one who noticed that. You listed tall & attractive as your first two on your list. May mean nothing, may mean something.
I would use your "List" more as guidelines rather then requirements.
I'd say turn it around - no, doesn't mean meet tons of men, I mean email a few and meet them much sooner than later. I would not IM since it is an energy guzzler and time consumer and in many ways even less revealing of the real person than emails and phone calls.
It does appear quantity over quality.
I would not IM since it is an energy guzzler and time consumer and in many ways even less revealing of the real person than emails and phone calls.
Yes it does consume time, but finding a quality man does take time. I think IM is a good way of finding out what kind of person they are. But if only used as a tool & not your only avenue.
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 9/10/2008 12:50:37 AM | "Like attracts like."
<div class="quote">No, "aspect x" attracts those who are looking for "aspect x".
"aspect x" could be anything, or a combo of anything - money, fame, looks, good personality, etc...
Therefore, let's say I possess:
Money, fame, looks, good personality
And woman X, (with no money, no fame, no looks and a *bad* personality) is seeking a man with:
Money, fame, looks
...therefore I will attract woman X.
 so true. Lets face it, wer're all likely to be more attracted to good looking people who are financially stable and have great personalities, that doesn't mean they're going to be attracted to us, but g*d loves a tryer.
OP, great post, and it's great that you've reached a point of realisation, where you go from here is try to learn to look beyond the surface of a person. You say you want honesty in a person, yet all the people you've dated have been wasters. Did they tell you they were wasters initially, or did they lie about the 'real' person? Therefore honesty in a person is the thing you need to concentrate on IMO. Learning to spot contradictions quickly and moving on quickly when you see them.
I would just add that it works both ways. Relationships involve two people, and both people have to be honest in order to keep things running smoothly in any relationship. How we are reflects back on us in the reactions of other people. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:48:57 AM | I recommend reading 'Harmonic Wealth'. It may help you in being able to clear away the confusion and the debre.
Start by looking @ what qualities in your husband attract you. Does he get what he wants? Perhaps that is the very thing you are desiring for yourself. You may not like some of who he is but the underlaying fiber, shall we say, is what attracts you.
Then rethink your 'wish list'. But first write a list of your own qualities. What do you have? What are your desires in life? Define what is important. Then see if the list changes.
Blessings | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:32:03 PM | | it happens no one knows how long someone will be around.i was in a 20 year relationship it ended...i went on holiday to poland and met someone who came to england with me and 6 months later hes gone home and im left heart broken ................i begged him to stay but he would not ,we never even had an argument .............no sign whatsoever ................ | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:49:35 PM | Listen folks - wow there have some really nasty slinging cuts and jabs in here. Wonder why everyone is so anxious to attack?
Ike.
Not very attractive or dateable people.
Anyhow -
You should also add to that list, you'd like the sun, the moon and the stars...
It seems like everyone creates these unrealistic lists of qualifications for potential mates. Everyone (EVERYONE) is going to fall short of your qualifications.
I, too, would like to find a tall, attractive, honest, financially stable, mentallly stable,mannerly, moral and healthy woman who shares my same interests and wants to be in a long term relationship with me.
We all have a "list" of "wants"
but you need to make a more clearly defined list of "MUST HAVE'S"
Or you will never be satisfied. Ever.
A woman's first love of the opposite sex is her father. And dependent upon the quality of the relationship you had with your Dad - that is how you can consider your male interactions to be. Was your Dad a thinker or a do-er? Was he stable, reliable and good with money? Or was he a "bad boy" wild, uncontrolled? Was he docile and beat down by life or your mom? Was he a rebel a protestor?
What your Father was like - what you admired and found exciting as a little girl is what you will seek in the man you want to connect with...
UNLESS - you acknowledge that your relationship with you father was as a child, and you are recalling what you admired through the perceptions of a four year old with a crush on Dad.
Then you may be able to break your cycle and find the right man for you.
Men do this also - so guys look at your mom, and look at what it is you're seeking in a woman...chances are good you're most comfortable with mom in your living room and the "bad girl" in your bedroom.
It makes complete sense but awfully hard to find "The One". | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:54:53 PM | Determine first what usually attracts you in a man... How far are these traits absolutely crucial to you. What do you think attracts men to you? What do you project about yourself that is not getting the real you out there?
Then compare these with the bad habits/men you keep getting involved with.
For example sometimes we confuse someone outspoken for someone rude and vice versa... someone shy with someone inassertive... Some other time someone treating others in a bad way is a sure sign it will be our turn some time in the future but we neglect the signs because 'it was not me he was mean to'.. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 9/30/2008 2:20:53 PM | Ask yourself what you are looking for and your expectations
More imporatant can you ans are you able to reciprocate those expectations | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 10/1/2008 9:53:18 PM | OP, you're looking for the same guy every other woman is looking for, and there are very few of them around. Everyone has faults; we just have to narrow down what's really important to us. Make that list of qualities too long, and there won't be anyone that will be able to qualify. Buy some books about attraction and figure out why the guys who you are attracted to wind up being guys you no longer like. It might not help immediately, but when you figure out what triggers attraction in you, at least you will be able to then see beyond that a little faster. Now then;
Tall; well, about 90% of guys are taller than you. Stop wearing high heels and the number of applicable men will increase substantially.
Attractive; read and learn what fires attraction. Then what ignites the fire may change somewhat.
Honest. Everybody lies. It's just a matter of what we lie about. Decide how much you really need. I'm assuming you don't want someone who cheats in a relationship, but then again, does it really matter if he cheats at golf or playing monopoly?
Financially stable. Most guys who read that figure you're looking for someone rich. Basically, at this point in your life, you should be able to support yourself. As long as the rent is paid, and he has money in his pockets, and the collection services aren't after him that should be enough.
Mentally stable. Also a vague term; my ex wife felt that everyone could benefit from being in therapy, and everyone has some type of dysfunction. So you have to decide what's acceptably 'stable' to you and what isn't. Criminal serial murders are 'stable'; they continue their life in the same pattern. That's 'stable'. But you sure wouldn't want to date one.
Common interests. If you're looking for someone to fill all your needs, you're going to be alone for a long, long time. Find a few things that you both like to do, and find some friends to fill the rest of the activities. I ride; most guys who do also like dogs, fishing, and simply by liking to ride, traveling. You're probably just looking in the wrong group of men. Try locating the local chapter of retreads riding club. Then find out where the other chapters are. Make yourself known to be single and available.
Morals and integrity. Sadly, everyone on earth thinks that they have both. The problem is how much.
Long term. Marriage is for having kids, there's no other reason for us to want to get married, and a whole lot of reasons why we don't want to. Most guys in your age group have figured out that there is a financial marriage penalty in our tax system, and aren't stupid enough to jump into that. There are a few older men out there who are looking for a wife, but not many.
Mannerly and polite. If you're looking for a biker, this doesn't match up well. The vast majority of guys who ride are a little rough around the edges.
Healthy. Guys over 60 usually have some type of health issue, and it will increase as they get older.
Fact is, you're of a generation that saw relationships different from what younger ones do, and men rarely adapt with the times. And, the percentage of available men will continue to decrease for you with every year. Find a nice one, someone who likes you and treats you well, and see if you can be happy with him. But expecting a whirlwind, ecstasy filled romance in your sixties? Not likely to happen. | |
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| How to Stop Making Poor Choices
Posted: 10/2/2008 10:34:18 PM | I know exactly what you mean, my advice, change your "type", give other guys a chance that you usually wouldnt, dont look at the outside to make a decision, i mean of course you must be somewhat attracted to them , but i have realized that, the guys who are " my type" have never been anything long term or good for me, the guys i have had long relationships with, not even my type , but luckily they were relentless when trying to get me......and they were the ones i fell for......  | |
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