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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:38:33 PM | | OP you don't trust this man, therefore you can't love him IMO. When you say you asked him to see his phone I would suspect it is more likely that you looked at it without his knowledge (call me a suspicious s*d, but I usually find men would be a little more indignant about women wanting to invade their privacy), therefore I would say you have trust issues, and if anything will drive a man off loving you, trust issues are one of them (because they will instinctively feel that if you can't trust them you can't really love them). If you do get together with him you need to know it is for the right reasons (because you love therefore trust him), if it is for the wrong reasons (i.e. you're desperate not to be on your own) then it can only have disastrous consequences. Also the fact that you seem to be lieing about the situation shows a possible lack of integrity, and that can also be a cause for confusion within a relationship. | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/20/2008 1:17:34 PM | I don't know what to say to this. I like to look at both sides of a thing, when I can. Though I admit, I have trust issues on things like this. OK here goes:
1. As others said, you are young, plenty of time yet to move in and play house with someone. Figure out your career, any school left and goals for you.
2.That gut feeling that told you to investigate comes from some subtle change in his actions. Your not clairvoient, you felt it, you know something changed and wanted to know what.
3.One mistake maybe, two mistakes, oh he11 no. Something is amiss.
4.Three big things you mentioned are dynamite to any relationship. TRUST, is a must have, you don't anymore, it will take a long time to rebuild if at all. COMMUNICATION, sorry it doesn't exist, you told him you were upset by these 2 instances then he says "I'm going out with the boys"? How is that communicating his feelings of your importance and how you feel? If nothing else you need a long in depth chat about what this is doing to you and how you BOTH feel. Finally we come to RESENTMENT, nothing will kill feelings faster than that. He resents you for trying to control his going out, you resent him for going out due to distrust. There's more but you can do the math yourself.
If you love him, feel he is your one and only. Try a deep conversation, see how he reacts, see if he puts your feelings first. See if you can honestly put this behind you. Put off moving in for 6 more months. At the first sign of trouble, you leave and don't look back. I don't advocate this, but if you want this, it's all you can do. Bob | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:49:09 AM | For the people who asked questions.. He is actually 5 years older than me. Also he actually knew i was looking at his phone and e mail, i did not do it behind his back at all. And i already have a career im happy with and i have never been cheated on before. I have never had problems with trust untill now
Thanks for the advice, i will read through it all properly and decide what to do. But as i said, leaving him, is not on my mind, i just want to work through it, he sais he does too.
Call me stupid if you like, but i think its worth working at. | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 12:53:26 PM | This is a tough situation for you to be in, it really is. You obviously value the man but question aspects of the relationship, to the view of trying to be understanding and trying to avoid conflict. I commend you for that, and it leads me to believe you're capable of more reflection and examination of the issues. I think you could begin by asking yourself some questions; critically and objectively.
You know he's communicating with women. You can't assume he is acting on these exchanges because you don't know, however; he is writing these women with intention. He's engaging women inappropriately, in that you should be the woman he flirts with, you should be the gal he's thinking about and focused on. Clearly, you're unhappy about this and anxious enough about it, to post here asking for advice. My point being, this is already bothering you, and it will continue to bother you because it's a contradiction to what you want in a relationship. You're acting maturely about it and it seems as you confront him, you're trying to let him sort it out (I'm not sure what your plan is really) and in good faith, trusting that he will.
I don't know if you notice but I continue to speak of your feelings, your views, your plan, and your actions in this.. The reason I'm doing this is because in some ways, this is more about you than him. Have you noticed a growing intensity to question him, to second guess yourself, to be worried about what he's doing? You've already given me a solid idea that this is what you in fact are doing.. You're already being affected negatively by his actions.. of course you love him, of course you want the relationsip to succeed but at what cost. This is a question that once again, you can only answer..
I can tell you that in circumstances not at all unlike yours, the offended partner's sense of frustration more often than not, only grows until it reaches full out resentment. If he doesn't stop, are you ok with that? If one day you do discover he has had an affair (please be carefull to realize I'm not suggesting he has or will, still the situation isn't exactly in a healthy state.) are you prepared to be as forgiving and forgetting as you so willingly seem to be now? Again, without resolution...chances are the resentment and mistrust will only continue to grow, leaving you then, completely incapable of actually being objective. You must self-determine what you want.. and I think you are already realizing that -this is not it! My advice? Find a good councilor, if he will go with you the perfect, if he will not, then go yourself... and start thinking about what will truely make you happy... I doubt this man's behavior is something you will be able to tolerate for long but that is an unqualified opinion; I don't know you and I don't know what your future holds..
Good luck | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 1:05:36 PM |
ut as i said, leaving him, is not on my mind, i just want to work through it, he sais he does too.
Call me stupid if you like, but i think its worth working at. OP, at the end of the day, you and only you can decide what you think is best for you. Why you at such an early age is willing to put up with this kind of behaviour from another person is beyond me but if that's what you want to do so be it.
If he indeed shapes up, please be alert in the future and if it happens again, recognize that he were not sincere in his renewed devotion and don't find yourself five years from now, pregnant, maybe a few kids a house and so forth with a man who you kept giving chance after chance and who in the end didn't change at all.
What disturbs me most is that he said you were being unfair for not trusting him due to a situation HE created. He was indeed trying to lay blame with you. If he keeps doing that and insists on staying on that dating site (why was he on a dating site to start with?), recognize it for what it is and get out while you're still young and have options.
And like someone else said, put aside the plans to move in together until he has showed his commitment to you undoubtedly. | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 1:08:08 PM | I dont kjnow if he cheated or not.....but I do know that you dont trust him. On that one thing alone you should not be moving in with him. If you are going to worry about or question him when he is not with you, the relationship is doomed.
Trust your heart on this one. In any event, if you decided to stay with him, moving in together at this point is not a good idea.
We get in this life what we think we deserve............Only you know what that is.
PEACE | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 1:10:32 PM | We love each other alot, and both want this more than anything, but even though i know he would never cheat on me, i still dont think i trust him 100%, he knows this.
You're a bigger person than I...
In 8 months he's done suspicious behaviour... twice that you KNOW of... but you know he'd never cheat on you? Honey... you don't know him at all.
The last thing I'd be doing... even if I didn't want to end the relationship... would be moving in with him. What's wrong with just dating more? Why rush into moving in when you're having these feelings? | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 1:22:24 PM | | DON'T MOVE IN WITH HIM! If you find out more shady info on him later on, it would be MUCH easier to leave him if you guys weren't living together. I find that a lot of people in unhappy LTRs use the excuse of "too much hassle to move out," to stay together. | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/21/2008 1:27:34 PM | both of you need to be on the same page about what means faithfullness in the relationship, it is critical that you both have the same views... | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/22/2008 2:10:46 AM | Than you so much for the advice! i will put off moving in together for now, until things improve, i think that makes sense.
He is not on the dating site anymore anyway, and i only came on here because of the good advice i knew id get! Its the only reason im on here. And im pretty sure he has stopped talking to girls on the net. Ill have a chat with him anyway. We wont be moving in together for a little while. | |
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| a little advice?
Posted: 8/22/2008 2:41:56 AM | Hi Justforadvice,
Some women like guys that run around on them.
Some women like sneaky, cheating little sh!ts like your B/F, and all the confrontations,mistrust, and drama that goes with being with them.
Are YOU one of these women? | |
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