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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 2:09:16 PM | | Geez....what a dumb site that is....a lot of bad pictures. How can you rate such bad pictures...like the one woman underwater taken from 15 feet away. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 2:17:18 PM | Have you ladies heard the saying you should have a man who adores you, a man who has money and takes you places, and a man who is a tiger in bed. Well I was the young tiger in bed with my last mistake. Then I just recently got dumped by girl shorlty after we had sex, so it is not only women that this happens to. Most men don't complain. I do because it hurts to be used and then get the cold shoulder later. Julie you keep your head up and so will I. Their are nice guys out there. I consider myself a nice guy. Right now I am just going to have fun and forget about Leslie because it is her loss just like it is his loss not yours. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 2:18:45 PM |
when women have sex, they produce oxytocin, which makes them snuggly and lovey.
When men have sex, they produce tryptophan
In the new research, Zak and his colleagues find that when someone observes that another person trusts them, oxytocin - a hormone that circulates in the brain and the body - rises. The stronger the signal of trust, the more oxytocin increases. In addition, the more oxytocin increases, the more trustworthy (reciprocating trust) people are.
“Interestingly, participants in this experiment were unable to articulate why they behaved they way they did, but nonetheless their brains guided them to behave in ‘socially desirable ways,’ that is, to be trustworthy,” says Zak. “This tells us that human beings are exquisitely attuned to interpreting and responding to social signals.
The findings are even more surprising because monetary transfers were used to gauge trust and trustworthiness, and the entire interaction took place by computer without any face to face communication. Signals of trust are sent by sending money that participants earned to another person in a laboratory, without knowing who that person is or what they will do. That, is, there is a real cost to signaling that you trust someone.
http://www.sfn.org/index.cfm?pagename=news_11102003c
So ladies, if you want your fella to produce more oxytocin: trust him. . . .
Word to the wise, eh?
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 6:48:51 PM | "I noticed the past few days he was kind of distant and quiet and he wasn't calling me anymore"
Oh, nooo, I know all about the distant game...the last guy I was talking to pulled this on me, and it was because he was screwing his co-worker. I'm sorry to have to say it, but he is seeing someone else. I know that he clicked onto your friend, but I'm certain he is seeing a few others as well. In my experiences, when a guy acts all distant, there has ALWAYS been someone else in the picture. I know it hurts like hell and it doesn't make the pain any less even though the relationship was for two months. I'll never understand some people can be so cold and shallow? All I can say is, if he was a REAL man, he would've never treated you this way and you are better off without him, as I am, too. Unfortunately, he is NOT the person you thought he was. I share your pain, sweetie. Just remember, he is the one that missed out, not YOU! As long as you really believe this, things will start to get easier with each day, I promise. Hugs, Angel | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 7:05:56 PM | Thanks everyone for the words of support today. It's what I needed to hear. I think I will sleep easier tonight, and with a pillow or stuffed animal.  | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 7:06:30 PM | Hi Julie,
What you describe has happened to me so many times. So many times, so many ways! I feel like I wrote your post. My friend once called that the 6 week bail out. I have had guys do exactly what he did after two months, and after a year & a half. A year & a half! I thought we were serious, and he told me he only thught of me as a friend. WTF?! After the same discussions about exclusive, etc!
First, feel relieved that you only wasted 2 months. He isn't looking for anything. He doesn't know anything and who needs him. Stupid boy.
Next, convince yourself - this is hard - that's it not you or anything you said/did.
Next, read "He's Not that Into you" . I am Not saying make it your bible, but there are some good points in there. It was a tough pill for me to swallow, but there is truth in it.
Next, believe that you will meet a guy you like better. I always do. YOU WILL. And then I look back and say 'I can't believe I went out with icky so & so. ' You will wonder what you ever saw in him.
I have gone through this exact thing for 13 years . Some days I am convinced there is something wrong with me. But the only thing that keeps you going is knowing what you want, and finding that. And remember part of what you want is the guy that is also looking for a relationship. When that priority tops the fun sexy aloof guy that you dig or want to change/help priority, then you will find him.
I don't know if I have helped. God, I feel for you. Some days I hate it so much. I hate what it does to nice women like you that totally have their sh-t together. I can tell by the way you write, you are sensitive and normal and well adjusted and everything guys say they want. And they poop all over us. Ugh. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 7:16:50 PM | Oh young one...
I KNOW it hurts...and it will get better...but remember where you are??? POF!!!!
and it will be his loss...we are human...and we HURT...
I believe the saying to this day...:ONCE a PLAYER, ALWAYS a PLAYER:
TRY not to let your heart open so quickly..his loss is another man's treasure...
BE Safe... | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 7:35:21 PM | Two saying that I really like;
" Never make somebody else your priority while allowing them to make you their option'
" Don't cry over anyobody who wouldn't cry over you"
Get busy girl! Workout---it releases endorphins to make you feel better!
Let people know you're hurting or that you're available to go out and have room in your life for another friend.
For me personally as a Christian......
My value comes from my relationship with God and not from the acceptance or approval of another human being.
Draw close to your Creator! Smile and remember your many blessings!
M E | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 7:37:31 PM |
Daynadaze, I like most of your posts, but this one was out of line. The OP did not "stalk" the guy. She found him on an Internet site after they were dating. The OP was mislead and there are people who get married after a week! It is not unheard of. That was a mean post.
I agree! Of course you can decide to be exclusive after 2 months...you can do it after one date if both parties feel a strong connection to one another and want to direct all that energy to seeing where it may lead instead of continuing as if they hadn't met. Jeez! She was looking for encouraging words, not judgment, a lecture, or ridicule. Didn't you ever learn that if you don't have something nice to say...keep it to yourself! Out of line.
OP, the info about women releasing oxytocin and causing bonding, by a previous poster, is right on and not to be underestimated. A great book, where I first read about that, is called Get Smart With Your Heart by Suzanne Lopez. I think some women release more oxytocin than others, and for them it can take a really long time to recover, regardless of how long they were with someone. Yes, it sucks. I feel your pain. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 7:46:39 PM | | I know sometimes it seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but despite your urge to try and get back with him, you should not. Get yourself busy and do things that focus on you. Since you already know now that he has the potential to cheat on you, why would you want to establish anything with him. Although your times together seemed perfect, the your best defense against future heartbreaks is to ensure that both of you are on the same page, meaning both of you are in a committed monogamous relationship. Most importantly, you haven't invested too much time in this relationship to have it ruin your potential to meet other people. I think it's his loss, he still wants to play the field and if you embrace him, he will hurry on to the next girl as soon as he gets an opportunity. Keep your composure and maintain your esteem. Don't write him letters spilling your gutts. It only comes across as desparate and gives him the upper hand to treat you bad. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:29:20 PM | | hot or not isnt the best place to meet guys.i met a guy last year,we dated for two months,and then he cheated on me at a bar in front of my dad.a month later i found out that he was in a 5 year relationship.boy do i feel bad for that girl!! | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:00:16 PM | As other posters have said, oxcytocin can be a big problem for women when sleeping with men. It is not called the "hormone of love" for no good reason. Another good book about how women's brains work is theThe Female Brain by Louann Md Brizendine. She goes over so much about bonding during sex.
I think most women are addicted to men and not really in love with them. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:03:08 PM | Please dont blame yourself Julie, I have been there and done that myself.
I have come to the conclusion that some men although they say they want to get serious, date exclusively, ect. but when it finally comes down to it, they dont. They get scared off.
Not from what we as women do but just all on their own. They are very cowardly and heartless to say the least. I have had that done as well, and the idea that someone could be so heartless, mock everything you guys had, then not even give you the courtesy of responding is not fun. Hugs!
I also, am a very feeling person. I get hooked when I have sex with someone. Thats why i choose to wait, but lets be honest, if your lonely, maybe had one too many too drink, well it doesnt always work out like that.
I feel that you did the right thing no matter if you think you slept with him too soon or not. You in your heart felt ready, he led you to think that it was a good time to do so, then you did. Dont blame yourself!
I have also learned that it honestly does no good to do blame games anymore. You just have to suck things up and move on. I know its going to be hard for you but when you are done hurting you will be glad that you are not with someone that would treat you like that...
Best of Luck I could use some myself | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:36:55 PM | It's certainly very polite that most of the posters in this thread tell the OP how much of a loser her ex-maybe-boyfriend is - but seriously, I tend to disagree. To me, this whole situation looks more like the OP has dated a romantically enhanced dreamy image of somebody who didn't exist at all. But how can the ex be blamed for not living up to her dreams, expectations and hopes and be called a loser? In my opinion, getting out was probably the smartest thing he could do if he didn't want to live a lie. (That said: Obviously the way he just ducked out wasn't exactly classy, but I've heard and seen worse.)
From what I have read in this thread I get a feeling that the OP has rushed into this relationship (if we can call it that). Obviously, she was still hurt from a previous break-up - not a good start to begin with.
Then he was not responding well to her affections and basically stopped kissing her after their first schtub, still, only a few weeks into dating him she kept considering their situation "happy". That is somewhat self-deceitful.
They were not taking it slow, but from what I gather jumped right into dating/spending nights four to five times a week. That would set off my alarm, to be honest. It does usually take time to get to know a person, and going from zero to full throttle over the course of a few weeks is hardly well thought out but most likely purely driven by physical attraction. No wonder one of them was feeling he needed to take a breath eventually.
Obviously that need to take said breath came right after she had asked for confirmation of being in an exclusive girlfriend/boyfriend situation. So he took a step backwards to take a look at the whole picture - and apparently wasn't happy with what he was seeing. Her chasing after him phone-wise must have made him feel like she doesn't allow him any personal space at all. After just a few weeks into a relationship? You gotta be kidding me.
Her breaking into tears the next time she saw him certainly hasn't helped the situation. If I had been in his position I would have felt emotionally black-mailed.
Bottom line is, that I believe the OP needs to take some time off of dating. It seems that she needs to straighten out her priorities as well as her needs and wants in a relationship before she dives back into the fishing pond. She's certainly not herself a favor if she does. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:16:42 AM | Just wanted to say that I've been there and know how much it sucks. I've been on the other side too where I had to break up with someone where it just wasn't there too, and that sucks too. Hope it doesn't take too long to recover from this one. And then you can get on with finding a better fishie.
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:02:40 AM | Although I think you have some good points Urbanessa you dont have to use your little digging words and phrases when you talk to someone.
emotionally black-mailed
if we can call it that
You gotta be kidding me
No matter what the reason, this is a person that is hurting, maybe having a little more compassion for someone might take you a little farther in your life as well..... | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 9:38:06 AM | My friend who found him on Hot or Not had today off and sure enough, my ex poked her and wanted to chat. Luckily she was free to IM him.
I found out what I needed to hear - the cold, hard, ugly truth: he was lying to me and cheating on me for sure.
They went back and forth and he told her that he hadn't had a girlfriend in over 2 months (when we started dating) and he had sex with someone last week who didn't mean anything to him and he could have sex with my friend and date her, too.
My friend atleast told him off and called him a few things I won't repeat here.
No need for me to rip him by email or phone. I couldn't care one iota about him now and will happily move on to someone else - ME. I deserve so much better and I won't waste my time thinking about how mad I am for letting someone like that in. And I would never give him the satisfaction of thinking he hurt me.
And let me tell you, there were not a lot of warning signs. Most of my guy friends are absolutely shocked by his behavior, but I guess I'm not.
So now I know and I guess I'll sleep really well tonight! And I"m not going to be mad at myself because I will do better next time.
Thanks everyone. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 9:51:07 AM |
Although I think you have some good points Urbanessa you dont have to use your little digging words and phrases when you talk to someone.
emotionally black-mailed
if we can call it that
You gotta be kidding me
No matter what the reason, this is a person that is hurting, maybe having a little more compassion for someone might take you a little farther in your life as well.....
I think I have come pretty far in life, thank you very much.
I simply don't believe in sugar-coating, and I don't believe in dishonesty. If that is what you prefer as your personal strategy to tackle the odds in life, I sure hopes it works for you and doesn't backfire. Being straighforward and open and honest is my strategy, though, and it works great for me.
Besides: What's wrong with refering to the "relationship" with "if we can call it that"? Obviously, the OP and her ex-whatever-he-was were not exactly clear about their status themselves. And "You gotta be kidding me" and "I would have felt emotionally black-mailed" - exactly. The OP is in her 30'es, she's not in junior high. So I assume that she is aware of some basics when it comes to dealing with men. Many, probably most women over here use tears as a weapon or as a tool to put pressure on their man, and as a man in that situation, yes, I would have felt emotionally black-mailed. Just saying it how I see it. And if that is too tough to take I recommend some serious growing up.
EDIT: And I can't even begin to think about how pre-puberent I find this whole "My friend is spying on my ex on hotornot for me" thing. This tells me something about the maturity level and the mindset of the OP, and I am even less surprised that the ex-whatever-he-was didn't want to pursue a relationship with her.
If I feel something's wrong with my S/O's behaviour, I don't get my friends to chat him up online and create a trap for him, but I talk to him in the open. That's what grown-ups do, isn't it?
There are a lot of things on the OP's side that she needs to look into, IMO, to get fit for the dating world. She says that this is the second time in a row that she got hurt by a man. Well, the link between those two men is the OP, so most likely that is where the problem starts. She needs to find out what she wants and needs, and she needs to work on her self-esteem as well as on her communcation skills. But first and foremost she needs to take off the rose-colored shades and take a deep long look at her bare self and analyze, where she stands and who she is right now. Good luck to her! | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 10:16:35 AM | Excuse me Urbanessa, but my friend was on Hot or Not and found him. I wasn't suspicious or spying on him otherwise. I had no reason to be suspicious of the guy who told me he not only wasn't seeing anyone else but he wanted me to be his girlfriend early on. I guess that was pretty clear to me that we were exclusive. That was communicating. And not just once but a few times in the past two months.
I did try talking to him and you know why I cried? Because I cared about him and it really hit me that I didn't want to lose him. Then when he didn't make any attempt to comfort me it hurt even worse and I left. I wasn't trying to blackmail him. I am not a crying type of person. Since you don't know me you wouldn't know what you're talking about.
And I had every right to know since he was on the site and openly contacting my friend and he came right out and confirmed everything. Sorry, but it was better for me to know than not know. If I was wrong about him, I would have been happy about it, but I was right.
And yeah, my track record isn't the greatest. The last guy really made me have doubts about him and was always trying to convince me he was only with me, which ended the whole thing because it was obvious he was with other women when we were supposed to be exclusive. I waited some time before starting with my current ex and he seemed the polar opposite of the previous guy. No reason not to trust him. It was only when he got distant and my friend found him on Hot or Not, and even then I wasn't dramatic about it. I didn't want to believe it and thought it could have been perfectly fine, but then their IM conversation today finally proved to me that no doubt it was completely over.
I am sorry I must not be on the same level as you are, but I try to be laid back and casual about things, but I actually fell for this guy and with good reason. There were no rose colored glasses, but a real degree of caring for him I thought was reciprocated and that I wasn't just some piece of a**.
The fact that I am not going to sit at home crying about it shows that I am atleast mature enough to know I am better off and can take some time off for myself and someday find someone better. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 11:56:40 AM |
They were not taking it slow, but from what I gather jumped right into dating/spending nights four to five times a week. That would set off my alarm, to be honest. It does usually take time to get to know a person, and going from zero to full throttle over the course of a few weeks is hardly well thought out but most likely purely driven by physical attraction. No wonder one of them was feeling he needed to take a breath eventually.
If there was an agreement between them (as she stated) that they would only see each other, like it or not and whether you think it was too quick or not, he had no right to be advertising himself as single without telling her about it. Needing to take a breath? Rubbish. He was wanting to have her around while he looked for someone else. All he had to do was tell her he wanted to slow down and date other people. So much for honesty and doing the right thing... | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:04:42 PM | Can you clear one thing up for me? Did you originally meet him on hotornot or does the title mean that you caught him on that site?
If you did meet him on there, that was your mistake. People on there are usually (not always) looking for compliments and to feel better about themselves (they're insecure).
When that's the case, they'll constantly be looking for attention once the attention from you isn't enough (ie. sex, mushy talk, etc...) I have a friend like this and it's really hard for him to stay faithful.
If you didn't meet him on there, then the above doesn't apply but you def. need to wait longer before getting so close to someone. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:09:40 PM | | No, I did not meet him on Hot or Not. My friend found him on there. She was on there as a joke and saw his singles profile and today he started contacting her while she was home, so she went with it to see what he would say. I am glad she did. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/22/2008 12:53:48 PM | My dad is a sioux falls native! great state;
Well my sister says you know a guy is lying when his lips are moving.
I think you need to take the internet dating thing for what it is. Go slow, spend as much time together as possible and realize most on the internet are not all that serious. good luck. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/23/2008 1:18:17 PM | For him to say "he had sex the previous week with someone who didnt mean anything to him" tells alot about his character. What a jerk! Not only did he lie to you but he's obviously a player and doesnt care about your feelings.
You were justified in your decision when he wasn't completely honest with you. Trust is based on honesty.
You'll find your special someone it just takes time. | |
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| Found my guy on Hot or Not - not good
Posted: 8/24/2008 7:12:12 PM | I really need to be smacked upside the head by someone.
Most of the weekend went well, but every once in awhile, something triggered a bit
of an emotional response.
It was actually kind of funny, or it will be in a week or two. I was with my family and we passed a golf course. I got a little teary because Ryan, my ex, is a big golf fanatic.
Just little things would occasionally get to me this weekend and I'd have to snap myself out of it quickly and remember what he did.
This always happens to me after a breakup - something reminds you of that person and you get a little nostalgic until you remember why you broke up.
I am really p***ed at myself right now. Could someone please kick me in the a** hard so this doesn't happen again?
It's not like I was going to call him or anything stupid like that, but momentarily I forgot what he did and missed him just enough to make me want to about puke.
Guess I need to do this -
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