|
|
|
|
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 6:37:25 AM | LMAO Baldy!! So you prefer the slow approach huh?
Now for my opinion .. well I think if you are looking for something long term it is always best to spend alot of time really getting to know a person and becoming great friends first. Dates don't have to be anything extravigant or expensive. Can just be simply spending the day at the park, sitting on a bench, feeding the ducks, talking, walking, getting to know one another.
I think far too many times people jump into relationships way too fast and they don't truly know one another. Once they do truly know one another, they find they are not compatitable at all and the relationship ends. JMHO
Fish on ....   | |
|
| |
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 7:56:50 AM | "Start off with hot, raunchy totally spontaneous sex, then move on to the other important things like, who leaves the toilet seat up! I tend to like to do things in the reverse order of most people."
Baldy - thank you for that. Just what I needed to read this morning. I hate having to wait. Is that bad? | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:12:21 AM |
I hate having to wait. Is that bad?
Well, ideally you shouldn't have to wait, but I am sure a lot of woman have to be careful of running into players ... But as for me, I am less worried about being played then I am in wasting my time and everyone else's time.
... life is way too short. Hell just this morning, I almost slipped in the shower and could have easily hit my head and died ... and no one would have known because my kids are at their moms house this week.
I just want to know when are people going to quit being so concerned with all the petty things in life and just start living it.
TBH, I figured I was going to get flamed on my view on this topic ... glad to see that I am not the only one that feels that relationships in reverse tend to work out just as often (or quite possibly more often) then ones that start off slow! | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:41:49 AM | To say nothing of the indignity of being found dead, naked in the shower. (maybe that's more of a fear of mine!)
I've run into the problem that I'm perceived as the player because I don't assume I am "in a relationship" just because the knock-down-drag out has occurred.
Perhaps I should not be posting this here. If I ever turn my profile back on, everyone will think I'm easy. Disclaimer - I'm not impatient with everyone I meet!
Back to the original posting: I have no idea of the "ideal" relationship progression. It would be nice to really hit it off from the beginning and be on the same page every step of the way. Sigh. Mature, open, passionate, easy communication, lots of laughing. | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 9:56:14 AM | Well, based on the addage that the only successful relationship is the one you are in now... I'd have to say my ideal progression would be:
Meet.
Play/have fun together. (How can you be compatible if you can't have fun together?)
Meet his friends (you can learn alot about a man by the company he keeps)..
'Date'. (Neutral territory time together - restaurants, sporting events)
Have 'the talk'. (No, I have no intention of seeing anyone else, period)
Totally hot sex.
Spend every night together. (long talks - past/present/future)
Move in together (officially).
Just keeps getting better.
 | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 10:06:23 AM | Tigerwoods0924 "Presumably if you're still single and on dating sites, then haven't ALL of your romantic relationships gone sour, REGARDLESS of whether you went fast or slow?"
No, thats not the case. I was with a guy for 4 years who just went to college and veterinarian school for a total of 12 years! We still keep in touch, but it never went sour - we just ended up in two very different places.
So never assume.  | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 10:10:50 AM | Janie,
As I tried to indicate at the beginning of my post, I wasn't singling you out specifically, hence why I didn't quote your name. I was addressing the common mentality you've expressed... I can't message you due to your restrictions to explain, so I'll simply do so here:
I have no ill-will towards you, and by "relationships going sour", I meant the fact that they ENDED, regardless of whether things progressed fast or slow at the onset...  All I'm trying to say is that you can be as cautious as you like and there's still no guarantee of things working out, because relationships also depend on the mindset of ANOTHER person, something we can never truly know...
I hope you do find what you're looking for, as I hope everyone does. 
I just hope you don't sidetrack yourself with rules of thumb...  | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:06:52 PM | Good Lord, people, lighten up and play nice!
Those are opinions, not personal attacks. Live and let live.
Seriously..
We NEED to listen what others think on the subject and learn from it. Tolerance gained from this will help in dating, I promise!
Now go hug, make nice and say the *why* behind you opinion.
Now don't make me get up on the soapbox again .. it's my b-day and I plan on drinking, so soapbox might be dangerous to this old lady!
 | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:09:35 PM |
Now don't make me get up on the soapbox again .. it's my b-day and I plan on drinking, so soapbox might be dangerous to this old lady
If you do get back up there would you be decent enough to wear a short skirt and no panties .... and don't mind the short, bald guy hiding under the box! | |
|
| |
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/26/2008 3:41:36 PM | Not necessarily slow, but at a pace that both parties are happy with. There would be the knowledge from the very onset that we were both on the same page, no wondering "what if" or "what's next" because you would already know exactly what was coming next. I guess it would be a relationship that progressed/worked with no work. I've had than once in my life.
Ahh my good friend VGE . . . you have such good insight and know how to articulate your thoughts so perfectly. I agree with you 100% on this one. Natural harmony is the key. Just instinctively knowing how each other thinks and yet surprised when the fact comes out in conversation, the attraction that is intense not only physically but mentally also is what I call mutual chemistry. When that is present - and believe me if it's there it's unmistakable - the relationship progresses naturally with no effort from either.
If there is a lot of confusion and/or too much of the waiting/guessing game, then the relationship is one that will probably not progress at all.
VGE and I have each experienced relationships that ended way too soon. The gift that I received from my experience is that I know what it takes for a relationship to be successful and I'm content to stay single until that rare and elusive mutual chemistry serendipitously shows up again.  | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/28/2008 5:08:30 AM |
(OP) What would be your ideal way to get to know and be with your significant other?
I completely agree with Kyn,
(Msg 15) People will often say...well you moved too fast (and thats why the relationship failed)
Thats just not the case………………..
Most people DONT move fast and the failure rate is tremendous.
If you dont know what you want...or are not able to differentiate it from just anybody...if you cant trust your own instinct and do the right thing by other people...chances are you'll always fail and the more damage you'll do to yourself and other people.
I often wonder if people have forgotten the lessons they learned while going through adolescence. Don't *you* (you, generically speaking) recall the feelings you had with your bf/gf? Just holding hands at 15 was the best thing that ever happened. Waiting to meet the person after school. Feeling you would "die" if that person ever left you.
I don't think many people, at 15, were having sex so those feelings were not sexually driven. Sure, we all imagined what sex would be like with the person but we weren't having sex, yet, we still had that "I'd die without you" feeling. Sex wasn't causing those feelings. It was chemistry. We knew we were not going to have sex with that person any time soon. There was just something that drew us together.
So, what was the something? What did we really know about that person? What qualities and activities did we inquire about before those feelings arose? I don't recall having a major crush on a gal because she wanted to continue her education and become a world renowned surgeon. I don't recall ever considering her political views. So why did we have those feelings? The answer is chemistry.
(Msg 33) Relationships dont last because you walk into them acting as if everything is a negotiation, competition, mosey-on-down-time-is-on-your-side situation or hope to have everything so hunkydory that it *seems* right or even having to bother discussing base morality.
I believe that is the cause of failed relationships today. People talk about not settling but what is comparing and evaluating and then choosing if that is not settling? Is not one settling for the "best of the litter"?
Where is the love, the passion, the chemistry if one is simply choosing from a group? It's like when people say they want to "see what's out there". Don't they know what they want? It appears there's no feelings involved, at all. It's simply deciding on the most appropriate.
Going slow is the perfect example of missing chemistry. The person has to decide if they have feelings for the other individual. Are they humorous enough? Are they ambitious enough? Are they socially adept enough? There is no chemistry involved.
So, what is chemistry? IMO, it's that unconscious attraction. It's something that two people feel for each other. Not dissimilar to a first impression, if you will. It's not based on anything we know or consciously experience. It's just there.
So, when it comes to the progression of a relationship the chemisty has to be there in the beginning. When the chemistry is present two people want to be together. They want to know everything about each other. Going slow is the last thing they want to do. They can't go fast enough!
That doesn't mean selling ones home and moving in together the following week. It does mean wanting to get to know the person as soon as possible so they can be in a relationship with them. It means spending time with each other at each other's home. That is where the majority of the relationship will be taking place.
(Msg 51) Now for my opinion .. well I think if you are looking for something long term it is always best to spend alot of time really getting to know a person and becoming great friends first. Dates don't have to be anything extravigant or expensive. Can just be simply spending the day at the park, sitting on a bench, feeding the ducks, talking, walking, getting to know one another.
I think far too many times people jump into relationships way too fast and they don't truly know one another.
What I have difficulty understanding is why people feel they can determine someones potential as a long term partner by doing things they won’t be doing once in a relationship. A friendship does not, in any way, determine a couple’s ability to live together. To know a person’s potential as a long term partner a couple have to spend time doing the things couples do every day and that involves spending time with each other in their respective homes.
It involves seeing the person Monday morning getting ready for work. Wednesday night coming home after a tough day. Saturday doing the grocery shopping and house cleaning. We all eat dinner. A couple can alternate homes during the week for dinners.
Sure, it takes planning and definately a busy lifestyle but it's only temporary. Following my suggestions it doesn't take long to determine compatibility if people are serious about having a relationship. | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/28/2008 5:34:25 AM |
Statistically...the most successful relationships are where two people move progressively forward together and commit to each other early.
That means...meet them, commit and just do it.
~Kyn~, you really do have the "I like to watch and move right in for the kill" look on your face. (lol) | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 8/28/2008 5:44:20 AM | | boy meets girl = mutual attraction - make friends and get to know each other, get naked and have fun lots of fun - live happily ever after | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:26:50 PM | msg. 63 >>> Going slow is the perfect example of missing chemistry. The person has to decide if they have feelings for the other individual. Are they humorous enough? Are they ambitious enough? Are they socially adept enough? There is no chemistry involved...
So, what is chemistry? IMO, it's that unconscious attraction. It's something that two people feel for each other. Not dissimilar to a first impression, if you will. It's not based on anything we know or consciously experience. It's just there.
I couldn't agree more with Dave's entire post.. chemistry can't be manufactured or cultivated - either it's there or it isn't.
...when it comes to the progression of a relationship the chemistry has to be there in the beginning. When the chemistry is present two people want to be together. They want to know everything about each other. Going slow is the last thing they want to do. They can't go fast enough!
The progression of a relationship takes care of itself when chemistry is present on all levels - the spiritual, the psychological and the physical.
What I have difficulty understanding is why people feel they can determine someones potential as a long term partner by doing things they won’t be doing once in a relationship. A friendship does not, in any way, determine a couple’s ability to live together. To know a person’s potential as a long term partner a couple have to spend time doing the things couples do every day and that involves spending time with each other in their respective homes.
It involves seeing the person Monday morning getting ready for work. Wednesday night coming home after a tough day. Saturday doing the grocery shopping and house cleaning. We all eat dinner. A couple can alternate homes during the week for dinners.
Although there would be issues if there are children involved.. Then I think it would be very difficult and perhaps not feasible in that scenario.
Kudos, Dave!! Great post!!  | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 9/4/2008 2:04:53 AM | I have many flavors, and one who is all things to all people; for me it may take many forms. Anyway, it's hard for me to imagine an ideal way for everyone, but rather the ideal way for someone...a couple someone's. Some get to "go" faster than others, and that may involve that they are great communicators and observers with sensitivities and respect. 2 people that are adaptable and flexible having experienced much in way of variety already, can be speed demons. So, it depends on who I'm with and not necessarily some artificial standard without true merit.
I can see love at first sight as real on an intuitive level. Imagine, 2 highly considerate and cooperative people meeting with passion and large imaginations filled with similar if not identical ideals of romance....like say, cousins. LOL
It better be ideal if you make a baby out of it. | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 9/4/2008 2:27:33 AM |
Start off with hot, raunchy totally spontaneous sex, then move on to the other important things like, who leaves the toilet seat up! I tend to like to do things in the reverse order of most people.
... by the way, one of my best and longest relationships started out that way! And most of the relationships where they wanted to start out slow and get to know each other turned out to be the worst.
I second that. I also believe if there is no sexual attraction in the first three seconds of meeting, there never will be or even if it will, it will never be true passion, and will always be lacking in that department | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 9/4/2008 2:42:29 AM | Probably for starters meet in a group to see how they related to others as well as me.
Then some alone dates to see how we get along emotionally and physically.
Then spend time with them and their friends, and them and my friends.
If their family is cool, meet them as well.
After that, and still no red flags, then go a bit deeper, date for a year or more. If you can still tolerate each other and actually enjoy being together still, maybe move in together. | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 9/4/2008 5:40:39 AM | I agree with Dave's post mostly except for one major thing. Some people are just not as 'emotional' as others. They tend to be more analytical and choose a mate based more on the traits they gradually see develop than 'chemistry'. I think this is what is happening with most of the people who move slow in a relationship. They sit back and mentally produce a list of the positives and negatives and over time decide if that is the person they want to be with. Chemistry still has to be there, but the need for it is not nearly as strong as it is in others. Nothing wrong with this at all, it is just a different way of going about pursuing a relationship. So they move very slowly, processing all the information until they finally decide whether this is what they want or not.
By the way, this was never me! I am much more the chemistry type. I move more quickly and have to 'hold' myself back to keep from going too fast. I 'know' in my mind that I can't possibly know a person well until I have known them at least a year and spent lots of time with them doing domestic chores together, but my body is always telling me something else! My bf and I have been together 16 months as of today and I definitely feel we are now 'there'. We committed ourselves to each other a few weeks ago and the timing felt pretty good.
For ME, I like the following relationship progression.
1st month, date a few times
2nd month, date at least once a week
3rd month, become exclusive, no more dating others
6 months to a year, fall in love and start doing chores together
1 year, should be thinking if we have a future together (permanent I mean), acting as though we are committed to each other and do most things together to see how our lives mesh
1-3 years, more of the same but eventually make a decision to make it permanent in one way or another
I am high on the chemistry route and like to move fairly fast, but the analytical part of my brain tells me to be careful and not jump into things too fast. So this is a comfortable type of progression for me. It will be meaningless to others but is a comfortable fit for me. | |
|
D48763
|
Joined: 8/25/2008
Msg: 71 | |
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 9/4/2008 6:07:11 AM | | I look at online dating as a sreening out,,,saves alot of emotions,,saves time,money ,,,after screening out ,than make contact,,,contact by online chat,,,than phone calls,,,and if deep honest communication takes place and I mean deep honest,,,about needs,wants,desires,mutal respect,tatstes,,,nope asking if she likes dogs is not deep,,,,llol,,,bt if still in deep communication and we know more than some will after they have dated for weeks or months ,,,,we can do it in days if one is open,honest,communicates,,,than we meet its alot eiaser to meet someone than who we know we would have lot in comon,,,than what kind of dog thye have,,,,lol,,it just keep growing,,,developing,,,relationship are an on going maintance,mutal growth,,,the first date is just like the date 25 yrs later,,,respect,,,attentive,,,growing,,,,creativity,,,forfillment,,,, | |
|
| Ideal Relationship Progression
Posted: 9/4/2008 11:23:35 AM | Msg. 70>>>Some people are just not as 'emotional' as others. They tend to be more analytical and choose a mate based more on the traits they gradually see develop than 'chemistry'. I think this is what is happening with most of the people who move slow in a relationship. They sit back and mentally produce a list of the positives and negatives and over time decide if that is the person they want to be with. Chemistry still has to be there, but the need for it is not nearly as strong as it is in others. Nothing wrong with this at all, it is just a different way of going about pursuing a relationship. So they move very slowly, processing all the information until they finally decide whether this is what they want or not.
Good post Destiny.. I'm with you in the mindset that the analytical progression works well for some people but mutual chemistry is of utmost importance for me as well. For me, it's imperative that the chemistry is there on all levels.. there's nothing like the witty banter, stimulating each other's minds and discovering the little nuances in each other that we know we'll find forever endearing .. that kind of chemistry doesn't subside unlike the animalistic lust felt in the discovery phase of a relationship. That's not to say that lust should ever wear off - it shouldn't - in a successful union it's just not as urgent as it is at the onset.
For me the progression is - attraction - discovery - psychological attachment - physical attachment - love - exclusivity - commitment. I can't put a time line on the progression. I experienced one successful relationship.. the attraction phase was intense but not acted on right away.. in a way it was a benefit because it kept building until we had no choice but to go to the next phase - the discovery - it was such a turn on psychologically. A kind of foreplay to the physical attachment. From there the progression took off faster than the speed of light.  | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
