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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:53:49 AM | You also might be expecting a lot from a young man, your son is not his son but simply his girlfriends kid and he cannot be forced into a role he does not want or may not be ready for
Your quite right, no-one should force anyone into anything they are not ready for, but from the OPs post the guy says he's 100% serious, and that means taking on not just her but the responsibility of helping to bring up her children. He can't just decide he wants the OP but wants nothing to do with the child, because that would make the child feel unloved and insignificant, and that isn't fair on any child IMO. If the OP doesn't think he has feelings for her child too, then in all honesty, she shouldn't be thinking of marrying him. Kids come first. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:57:49 AM | I have found that some people have a natural "giving/helping" side and others have a natuarl "taking/hindering" side. I have never understood how some people can be so cold as to noticing other's needs. I have always been a giver. I help friends, family, and even at times have helped out strangers in need. I think ones actions tells the entire story. Words are just that, words. A man is only as good as his word, and if he breaks promises, and I dont mean on just one occasion, then he is a broken man.
You should not have to beg for help or attention from your SO, it should be there and available when you need it. I bet you are a giver, and if you saw him in need, you'd be right there. Thats what makes these relationships so hard. Its aweful to say, but dont invest anymore than he does into this relationship. Love is giving, you can't see someone you love in need and not lift a hand..  | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 7:02:12 AM | As others have suggested you are both young and you have had to mature more quickly because of your responsibilities.
However, that being said, he knew your circumstances when he decided to bring you into his life and with that comes everything else. He truly may not know the importance of this to you because he has not experienced it himself yet. I think you should talk to him about it, see how it goes and if changes don't occur, then you need to really look at the situation as it is and decide for yourself if you are willing to be in a relationship with someone who does not have the same emphasis on what is important in life as you do. This may or may not change as he matures, and this is something you will have to decide if you want to take a chance on.
As far as the moving.. yes, he should want to be there for you as you would be for him, I think that one is a no-brainer. I would talk to him about that as well, letting him know how it makes you feel. If, as stated above, he continues not to be there for you when it is needed or important to you, then you have a lot to think about. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 7:41:55 AM | Did you discuss with him how important it was to you to have him at your son's birthday party? If it was a kid party, with lots of other kids, then I can see why he might want to miss it. So part of the onus rests on you to make it clear to him that you consider this a priority. He can't read minds.
Beyond that: Sit down and talk with him. Make sure you've been communicating clearly with him; this is often a problem when people are dealing with mismatched priorities. But definitely make sure you work this out before you think about proceeding with a wedding. If he understands how important these things are to you and chooses to do other things anyway, then your priorities may simply not be similar enough, and you may be better off with more compatible partners. Good luck. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 8:12:38 AM |
He went from Thanksgiving to the 4th of July without seeing my family at all. .....I don't know when your thanksgiving day is however I do know that it is a major event.
I was with my b/f for just 2 weeks when I got notice to move into a place I had been waiting for. He moved me without hesitation. He even did a 'Tip trip' for me without question.
Attending Family functions etc is just a natural thing to him, he makes himself available.
My son's 8th birthday is on Wednesday and he is going to get the cake and be at my home around 4pm.....even though he usually works till 5.45pm.
IF your b/f wants to be where you want him to be.....next to you... then he should make an effort. He doesn't seem to be doing that and you need to find out why.
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 9:05:56 AM | I'm on the side of "Actions speak louder than words" and "It only gets worse after marriage" if its an issue now. If its important to you, speak up and tell him why you would like him to attend famiy events. I don't think someone has to attend EVERY event - but if ths man is going to be your son's step father, I think he should have attended the birthday party. Also, what type of man wouldn't want to help his GF/fiancee with a move? He sounds very selfish to me.
This reminds me of my cousin's husband "N". I met "N" twice before their wedding....in 1984.....and he has only attended a half dozen family events in the past 24 YEARS since as he is so wrapped up in the family business. The last event he attended was my cousin's stepfather's funeral......in 2005. It's turned into a joke that we'll know when hell freezes over when "N" appears at a family function. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:04:01 PM | Actions speak louder than words. Him not being there for you is his way of saying that the relationship is not that important to him.
He's just not that into you-whatever he is saying with his mouth. I am sure he likes you and probably even loves you, but you not "it' for him, if you were there would be no question of him helping you-he would want to help and support you. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/27/2008 7:49:41 PM | | It’s so easy for people to come up with their own conclusion on things when they only get bits and pieces of the TRUE & FULL story. Let’s be fair and real. It would take to long to write everything but you got a little bit from her point and you will get a little bit from mine. What she failed to leave out is that just last week I took the FULL Friday off of work and spend the entire day with her for her Birthday. Also I told her I would help her move many things the day before the “BIG” move and I provided her with most of the boxes she is using! I moved a trip to Chicago with a friend the 1st week of August to help her move, she never ended up moving then until this weekend now. I live about 45 min. away from her and it can be a challenge sometimes to see each other. The holidays can be tricky b/c we both have family events that we both try to attend plus I don’t get invited to many other functions so that would make it difficult to see her family throughout the year. She left out last Halloween I spent with her and her son and her family. I drove 30 min. to help her fix a flat tire a few weeks back and never once hesitated going to help, I spent last Christmas morning unwrapping presents with her and her son then had a family event she came to later on that evening. I make my way out to see her at least 2 to 3 times a week. Gas is not cheap. She can only come out to see me once every 2 or 3 weeks (and that’s if I’m lucky), she has a son I get that. I know what I’m taking on. I could go on, etc., so on, and blah blah. Point being we both have made and till need to make sacrifices. After all, I always tell her, “it’s a give and take” in relationships. I’m not trying to make this into a he said, she said debate. I love her VERY much!!! Yes there are concerns for her and I to work out and yes I can admit I’m not perfect all the time. I could write a lot more but I just want to make this a more fair and balanced blog. This is coming from MY point of view of course. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/27/2008 8:20:12 PM | Actions always speak louder than words...
If you planned to have help moving and he knew about it well enough in advance to get time off work...shady business.
He should want to help you move... | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/28/2008 12:05:28 AM | Never, never, never, never marry someone who does things you find disrespectful and that makes you unhappy. This sort of thing will get worse not better. Instead of marrying someone who does things you don't like and who does not do things with you together and with your family when it means so much to you, then being resentful and growing to hate them...just don't marry them. Move on, find someone compatible, life is tough enough, the last thing any of us need in our lives is someone we know before hand will stress us out and cause us emotional pain. Whatever else you are thinking about him, these are some serious riffs that will eat at you for your entire marriage, not to mention that it will keep you from enjoying your family because you have this extra stress from your partner.
This is an avoidable problem, you are making a choice to enter into a marriage where you know that something as important as family will be disrespected. Why would you purposely choose that? And your own child, he deserved much better but has no choice, you are making choices for him and putting him in a situation where he will learn role modeling that will teach him to disrespect you, your family and himself. I can't tell you how serious a mistake this will be. Of course his actions tell the truth, why make excuses for him, what good is it going to do anyone? | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/28/2008 12:43:19 AM | msg 33
It’s so easy for people to come up with their own conclusion on things when they only get bits and pieces of the TRUE & FULL story. Let’s be fair and real. It would take to long to write everything but you got a little bit from her point and you will get a little bit from mine. What she failed to leave out is that just last week I took the FULL Friday off of work and spend the entire day with her for her Birthday. Also I told her I would help her move many things the day before the “BIG” move and I provided her with most of the boxes she is using! I moved a trip to Chicago with a friend the 1st week of August to help her move, she never ended up moving then until this weekend now. I live about 45 min. away from her and it can be a challenge sometimes to see each other. The holidays can be tricky b/c we both have family events that we both try to attend plus I don’t get invited to many other functions so that would make it difficult to see her family throughout the year. She left out last Halloween I spent with her and her son and her family. I drove 30 min. to help her fix a flat tire a few weeks back and never once hesitated going to help, I spent last Christmas morning unwrapping presents with her and her son then had a family event she came to later on that evening. I make my way out to see her at least 2 to 3 times a week. Gas is not cheap. She can only come out to see me once every 2 or 3 weeks (and that’s if I’m lucky), she has a son I get that. I know what I’m taking on. I could go on, etc., so on, and blah blah. Point being we both have made and till need to make sacrifices. After all, I always tell her, “it’s a give and take” in relationships. I’m not trying to make this into a he said, she said debate. I love her VERY much!!! Yes there are concerns for her and I to work out and yes I can admit I’m not perfect all the time. I could write a lot more but I just want to make this a more fair and balanced blog. This is coming from MY point of view of course.
Ah jmdub, it must be hard for you to read these posts. People know they are only getting part of the story... and can only respond to that part. I remember Melissa's posts over the birthday party and at that time it seemed she was reacting with what she assumed you were thinking/feeling. As I recall... you two had a good talk and she saw your pov and reached a compromise. I'm not sure why she dragged the bday party into this post, as I thought it had been settled between the two of you.
It's clear you both love each other, or Melissa wouldn't be trying to test her reactions out here to see if they are well-founded. It is also clear you have differing expectations. While that is common in new/young relationships... the answer is to try to talk about it without blame or defensiveness... and try to get a very clear understanding of what you both need. Then collaborate together to try to ensure *both* are getting their needs met. It is a matter of balance and perspective. Always try to understand the other person's pov first... before giving your own. It's hard not to interrupt at first... but work at understanding and much of the problems will disappear.
Last bit of advise... focus on "what works" rather than "what is wrong". Try to turn any slide into negative stuff into how can we make this work? Just that shift into positive territory alone will help tremendously.
There is not a perfect person on the face of the planet... my wish for both of you is you accept each others' flaws and work together to create the relationship you both want.
Best wishes. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/28/2008 7:36:22 AM | | If you haven't already told him how you feel, that's he's becoming the absentee-boyfriend, then do so. While protestations are nice to hear, I believe that a persons' actions are more critical for the health of a long-term relationship. It's so easy to say one thing and do another, and those that do this habitually are usually forgiven for their lack of respect by their partner while resentments begin to boil...... Listen to the warning signs that your inner voice is whispering. They usually aren't wrong. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:50:17 AM | | It’s so easy for people to come up with their own conclusion on things when they only get bits and pieces of the TRUE & FULL story. Let’s be fair and real. It would take to long to write everything but you got a little bit from her point and you will get a little bit from mine. What she failed to leave out is that just last week I took the FULL Friday off of work and spend the entire day with her for her Birthday. Also I told her I would help her move many things the day before the “BIG” move and I provided her with most of the boxes she is using! I moved a trip to Chicago with a friend the 1st week of August to help her move, she never ended up moving then until this weekend now. I live about 45 min. away from her and it can be a challenge sometimes to see each other. The holidays can be tricky b/c we both have family events that we both try to attend plus I don’t get invited to many other functions so that would make it difficult to see her family throughout the year. She left out last Halloween I spent with her and her son and her family. I drove 30 min. to help her fix a flat tire a few weeks back and never once hesitated going to help, I spent last Christmas morning unwrapping presents with her and her son then had a family event she came to later on that evening. I make my way out to see her at least 2 to 3 times a week. Gas is not cheap. She can only come out to see me once every 2 or 3 weeks (and that’s if I’m lucky), she has a son I get that. I know what I’m taking on. I could go on, etc., so on, and blah blah. Point being we both have made and till need to make sacrifices. After all, I always tell her, “it’s a give and take” in relationships. I’m not trying to make this into a he said, she said debate. I love her VERY much!!! Yes there are concerns for her and I to work out and yes I can admit I’m not perfect all the time. I could write a lot more but I just want to make this a more fair and balanced blog. This is coming from MY point of view of course. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 8/30/2008 6:50:57 AM | Melissa and jmdub, please read Margo's post. You have fallen into keeping score, it is easy to do and understandable but you need to remember, that you should do things for each other because you love each other and not to get any appreciation or anything else in return. That is hard to do on a day to day basis but it is one of the major reasons that relationships fall apart and it has nothing to do with age. I have a friend whose relationship is in tatters pretty much for that alone and that couple has more than twenty years on you two.
I think you both are making an effort, compromising but sometimes when we get stressed out our buttons get pushed and it is easier to find fault than to find the good. One thing you do benefit from with age is learning that being right is not always what it is cracked up to be and it can mean being alone. Again, read Margo's post, it is good advice and advice that you can apply at any time that things start moving toward negative emotions. After she is settled, get a sitter or whatever and spend some time just the two of you reconnecting and as this is all pretty much water under the bridge, get over it. You were both pissed so things are kind of even.
OP, it sounds like your boyfriend tried to help to the best of his ability, that there was a false start with this and you changed the moving date. You can't expect him to jump through hoops with that situation and it also sounds like you don't appreciate what he DID DO to help you because it wasn't exactly what you wanted. Moving is stressful and it is easy to get frustrated and we often take that out on the people we love the most. Remember that this is who he is, one of the people you love the most. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:51:57 AM | Girl, you are fine enough w.o him.... YOU ARE FINE!! Move on, there is some guy out there who WANTS to be with you. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 10/4/2008 12:52:52 PM | There are times when it has to be admitted that two people simply are not a match. Right now you two are not a match. You’re going to have to work at this a lot more.
Melissa, you have a man who works and saves, we don't know why; we don't know what his plans are but, he obviously has plans and is working toward them. Many women would see this as a positive characteristic in a man however; you see it as a negative. It's something that just takes time away from you. Having read your man's post I believe he does a lot for you already and attempts to compromise so that he can give to you what he can. But, it's not enough for you. He seems like an honorable guy to me, doing what he thinks is right and, handling his business the best way he can; juggling his own aspirations with your desires but it’s not "just right" for you.
He will never be able to get everything right for you and, he shouldn’t have to. You cannot rely on a man for everything. For you to set your expectations beyond his limits is far too stressful on him and frustrating for you. He will fail you often and, you will be resentful. You will spend too many nights crying yourself to sleep over the last thing he didn’t do and he will spend those nights on the couch or in the garage just to stay out of your way. Next thing you know the walls come tumbling down and he’s hitting the bricks. Some things you need to do for yourself. If you can’t or are unwilling then he’s not the guy for you. He’s not someone that you can lean on for every little thing. You have to be able to stand on your own two feet occasionally.
I get the idea that you are a very demanding person with the added bonus of being difficult to please. Everything is all about you isn’t sweetie. At 24 years old you still believe that a child’s birthday or holidays or moving day are life changing events. You won’t know that they are insignificant until something comes along that potentially can change everything you ever believed. Real, life changing events like sickness or catastrophe or death, or even these bad economic times we face, that’s when you need him. To be strong for you when you are unable; to carry you in his arms across this raging river to the safety of the opposite shore; to stand tall when you cannot, to comfort you and hold you when you have fallen and to help you get up again. And, Melissa, at times you will need to be there for him too, because he will need you. This is what partners do for each other. If you cannot stand alone you will never make a good partner for anyone.
Remember this: Life just loves the curve ball. You never know when it’s coming, just know that it is and, you better be ready.
Good luck to both of you. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 10/4/2008 4:49:09 PM | | maybe the problem really is just w/ his work schedule? You said he had 2 jobs? maybe if he just got one job that paid more $$$ and a better schedule..... | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 10/4/2008 4:55:48 PM | Hire a mover .
Make sure you leave his stuff in a Hefty bag on the porch where he can pick it up .
Don't give him a key either.
How can you have LTR with someone that is NOT there for the family functions ?
I have to agree with the post that said he needs one GOOD job instead of 2 poorly paying jobs | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 10/4/2008 5:30:22 PM | | He lives at home, works 2 jobs because he likes the extra money and not because he has to. He misses big holidays and birthdays and other events. Hmmmm! He's selfish and He's cheap. I know cheap, because I don't like to spend money either. But I do spend on my family, but I usually have to plan and save first for a specific thing (Like a Bday gift or Anniversary or Christmas etc). What's he saving for? Something for you or for himself? He doesn't sound like he is ready to help support a family (either financially or emotionally). I haven't been on these forums long but one thing I've learned from women who have responded to my posts is: most of the time, you already know the answer to your question. You're just looking for some confirmation. I think you know the answer. Be careful, as others have said, marriage won't make this behaviour go away. Good luck. | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:42:13 PM | Op, you need to ask yourself, Just how self centered is my boy friend, Go from there on how you want to live your & your sons life.
Blessings always, be safe
hugs always | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 10/4/2008 6:54:56 PM | | He has given you notice of his habits, and it will get worse with time. You are right at being concerned, however, is this a deal breaker for yo? You have spent time invested in getting to know these little quirks. Can you SETTLE for this behavior? | |
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trizec
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Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 47 | |
| Being there for your partner/confused
Posted: 11/14/2008 10:09:55 AM | | Not sure if this is in the right section, but I think that it is. I have been dating this woman for 8 months, and it has really been great. We are both divorced and she has one child and I have two. Everyone gets along fine, and I feel like a family for the first time. We have talked about marriage, and I was the one who fell in love with her first. She was blown away that I could fall in love so quickly, but she has come to accept it, and has said that she loves me as well. She is a professional and travels quite a bit with her job, and there is the possibility that she would move should another opportunity become open in her job. She makes three times my salary, and my house could fit inside of hers therr times minimum. At first I was intimidated, but all is cool now. I don't care about her money, house, or position, but just love her and want to make her happy. being with her has made me rethink about life, and want the finer things in life and actually find a way to go after them. The problem is that I am carrying a great deal of debt from the divorce, and working a part time job to pay it off. I only spend time with my children four days out of the month, and typically spend two weekends with her as well. Add to that I am exhausted most of the time, and my sleeping patterns are not good. It has been suggested that i sell my house, pay off my debt, and start some college funds for the children. I had wanted to keep the house s a income investment, and rent it out should I get married. This is where my children grew up, and that was the reason for keeping the house. I want to marry her, and live happily ever after. I have a dog which my son's love dearly, but she hates dogs. I honestly don't have time to take care of the dog, and then when the children come over they too forget about the dog. I wait on her hand and foot, and she is very attentive as well. I have made her my world, and have pretty much shut evrything else out around me or rather have made her my priority. I know that I would be a happier person, and much further ahead if she and I were together, because we compliment each other very well. The down side is that I would possibly have to move if her job transferred her. I have been with my job for 14 years, and starting over is new to me. My children are important to me, but I wish to be happy again. I want to come home to a wife, and either cook dinner or make dinner myself. I want someone to talk to about any and everything. I want to travel with someone who apprecites different cultures, who enjoys going to the symphony, and whoo wants to enjoy life. I am at a different place and time now. my children have actually asked me am I going to marry her, because they want a stepmom. They think that she is the best, and she is very focused on education which is what i want for my children. I guess my main question is where do you draw the line so far as moving away from your children, because I come from a home where my dad was not there and I don't want to continue the pattern. Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 11/14/2008 10:30:39 AM | | Of course, what do I know? What I'm saying is just based on my response to what you've written, so take this as you feel it fits or not. From your description of the situation, it sounds to me like he may be 100% serious, but he's just selfish. Is he a self-focused, self-absorbed person in general? It reminds me of a couple friends of mine who are dating. He is 100% into her, head over heals in love with her, and wants to marry her, yet he wants her to come be a part of his world, not share their worlds together, and not be a part of hers. For example, she lives in a small town about an hour away from him in the big city. He will rarely drive to see her; she always has to come up to him. If someone is not there for you when you need him to be and in the ways that you need him to be, it could be selfishness that says, "I want you to be there for me, but I don't want to inconvenience my life to be there for you, and this is such a good arrangement for me that I want to make it permanent." | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 11/14/2008 10:42:50 AM | | Reading the post from your man, it sounds like he is giving what he is able and willing to give. I guess it just comes down to if it's enough for you. If you both want to understand and please the other person, maybe try a bit more communication to see if you can come to a solution where you both will be happy. Good luck! | |
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| Being there for your partner
Posted: 11/14/2008 10:58:21 AM | OP: Does your S.O. have children or dated someone with children prior to you? He may not understand that you may want him more involved in your son's events.
Also, does your family get along with him and make him feel welcome? Are they ok with you dating an African American? These are things that may affect the relationship and why he is not so easily meshing in with your son/family. I'm guessing as I don't know the dynamics of your family, etc.........
He sounds like he's very dedicated to his jobs - is he a workaholic? Maybe you ought to suggestion that he take a day off once in a while for family/special ocassions.
Is he aware how you feel? If not, sit down and share how you feel and what you would like.
Best,
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