| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/2/2008 4:09:05 PM | Personally, I would not feel good about it. I agree with BigDaddy. Life and let live.
What if one is thrilled with the idea and the other is just accepting an open marriage so that they won't lose their spouse?
I believe that marriage is a partnership; not always 50/50 but it's give and take and a lot of work. My grandparents were married for 66 years and they survived the depression, many years of trials and each other. I'm lucky if I can stick around for 66 days without running for the hills, lol.).
I have my opinions but, being blessed with an open mind, I'm always accepting of other people's (opinions). | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/2/2008 9:34:45 PM |
What if one is thrilled with the idea and the other is just accepting an open marriage so that they won't lose their spouse?
Now, I've never married, so my expertise is purely theoretical. But, pando, it seems to me that any difference of opinion or preference can be ducked like that. "So that they won't lose their spouse," one might eat brains every Wednesday, or go line dancing every Friday, or vacation every year with the in-laws, or wear really ugly jewelry, or, you know, skin possums all winter. It's ducking the disagreement that deepens and prolongs the discord. Partners - partners! - are supposed to be candid with each other. Which obliges partner A to tell the truth and say she wants to swing, just as it obliges partner B to say no thank you, that's not for me.
Besides from what I hear and read in the papers, "so that they won't lose their spouse," some people put up with verbal, physical, and emotional abuse for years and years. Is there any way in which that sort of submissive desperation can lead to anything positive?
This gets back to Rule Number One in alternative life choices. People must tell one another, specifically and out loud, exactly what they want and what they don't, even as those things change over time.
If they don't, then they are what we call "vanilla." Maybe not unhappy, but, by definition, unfulfilled and resigned.
Cheers!
Vulf  | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/2/2008 10:15:55 PM | not just no.. but hell no.. I found out after I left the ex. that was what he wanted. But by then he'd already put out the ad and dated 7 women... I am so happy to be away from him ugh...  | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/19/2008 10:05:46 PM | | I think that once it is "open", then it is not a marraige anymore. It does not follow the morals and values of the meaning of marriage...... | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/19/2008 11:34:35 PM | | No I won't do such thing like that. I would respect the sanctity of my marriage and my husband , I won't cheat on him, sex is the most beautiful love to give to your partner. And he better not cheat on me. I have observed very old couples how loving they are to each other. These couples you mention grow apart,they just tolerate each other living in one roof like brother and sister, and they have no moral and decency airing their dirty linen in public. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/20/2008 6:50:13 PM | If you define 'Marriage' as a union between a man, a woman with them striving to be obedient to God. Nope.
If marriage is coexisting under one roof and living amicably with each other, yep...I imagine any number of things could happen. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/20/2008 7:14:09 PM | NO...The only revolving door I mess with is the one at the bank.
If I were married and my mate said we needed to put a revolving door in our marriage I'd point to the door, wish him luck, put his stuff on the sidewalk and change the locks.
What someone else does in their marriage is none of my business unless it directly involves or affects me. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/23/2008 10:27:35 PM |
People must tell one another, specifically and out loud, exactly what they want and what they don't, even as those things change over time.
shieldvulf..I cannot agree more. At one point in time I thought that this life could work for me, infact I wanted it very much. My partner of course was all up for it and wanted to pursue it. And then I started to fall in love for real.
At first I thought it would be nice for a while to be together, we'd date for a year..maybe longer, the sex was good, we get along well, we laugh, and enjoy eachother and the cherry on top was that we both didn't want to settle for not having it all. And then I started having real feelings, and then I found out I was pregnant and things really started to change. I didn't want him to be with someone else while I was pregnant, he might catch an STD and give it to baby. And then I found that the idea of him with someone else made me ill..and the more we talked about it the more miserable I became..the more paranoid and less I trusted him the worse I felt until I virtually had a breakdown while getting a slurpee. I know that he would still be up for it if I ever changed my mind, but I think that he understands how I feel and I know that he wouldn't hurt me like that, now knowing that it would hurt me. We are married now, happily, and though I find others attractive and could easily be with someone else...my heart and soul belong to my husband and with that my body too...I can't even look at another man. This is not like me, I am a cereal non-monogamist. When you have the love of your life, no one else matters, especially if it could ruin your relationship. Some can do it..and I believe it can work, just not for me, not now, perhaps not ever. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/24/2008 12:39:41 AM | I wouldn't do it... But I can't say it does not work for other people.
I seem to remember a fascinating article about this small town somewhere in Europe back in the 1800's --where they all wore masks and have a night of debauchery. Nobody knows who had sex with whom and they return to their normal lives thereafter.
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/24/2008 5:25:03 AM | If being asked if I'd ever drink my own urine, I'd say no way. But I don't know what I'd do if I was stranded in a lifeboat without water.
I can't honestly say I wouldn't do it. But I'm sure I wouldn't announce my private fair to every ear. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/24/2008 5:42:50 AM | smileee4u wrote "Get the movie Sex with Strangers. You can get it on Netflix or Blockbuster. It is a documentary-style movie about swingers who are married, and have adopted an "open" style of living. It shows the pitfalls involved in this situation. "
What the heck? Watching a flick from Netflix made you an expert on swing life style?
Hope you didn't get your evolution ideas from Church publication. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/24/2008 6:26:45 AM | I noticed that almost all the responses on this issue condemn it. The couples marriage has lasted an additional four years, so far.
What is the length of the current average North American marraiage now? I googled it and found "First marriages that end in divorce last about 8 years, on average."
In other words this couple added a significant amount of time to their marriage with their arrangement.
Given that most people of POV are supposedly without partners and looking for one, I'd say that the condemnation says more about us, than about that couple.
I wonder if the accomodation had been over sleeping arrangements, drinking, eating, children, or money, would anyone of commented on it. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/24/2008 8:09:49 AM | Wayward studleys and Gothic-era dominitrices introduced into a worn-out relationship...just to save it?
Oh, Please...Give it up!...Stick a fork in that one...it's done! | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/24/2008 10:59:19 AM | | I find it interesting that 50% of the population cheats on their spouse and subsequently 50% end up divorced. Many of the folks on this thread have either cheated or been cheated on. My point is, no person begins a marraige believing it will fail. So what do you do when things deteriorate? Divorce or cheat? What happens if you really are still in love? I thought most folks would do anything to save a love, a marriage...but perhaps not, and that's why the divorce rate is at 50%. Most folks have limits on their love. Funny how people often say they'd give their life for their spouse, but somehow letting them have sex with someone else is worse than death. Really? | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:32:30 PM | Yep, because sex within marriage implies trust, commitment to the union. When you enter into the contract of marriage, you promise to be with that person and only that person until you die.
So, you better make sure the person you marry IS the one you would rather be with than any other woman. She has to be ALL THAT and a bag of chips to you.
If you break that trust and defile the marriage bed, the deal is off and the contract is broken. If "things deteorate" its because one or both of you didn't try hard enough. Life isn't Burger King, sometimes we have to get a major big straw and just suck it up!! | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:38:56 PM | I know a [sic] older couple (in their 50's) with an interesting dynamic in their marriage. They allow each other to "cheat" twice a month under strict conditions. Apparently the man is very kinky and is allowed to visit a Dominatrix twice a month. The women [sic] still has feelings for an old boyfriend and she is allowed to see (and sleep with) him twice a month.
They have done this for 4 years now and they said it saved their tired old marriage and made them both very happy. They still Love each other immensely but they just needed a little something extra in their marriage. They do not even keep it a secret. They say that some of their friends react with horror even when told it was either open the marriage or divorce. They did lose a few friends over this.
I say good for them.
Would you open your marriage (with strict rules and conditions) in order to save it? Imagine you really love your marriage partner but for whatever reason the marriage was not working. - sweeet melissa
Would you open a wound and allow infection to enter in order to 'save' your limb?
Of course you wouldn't.
If a woman loves me and wants me, then she wants me, not some old boyfriend or a kinky session now and then.
No, I'm with poster AarAndEpps. The deal is off - permanently.
No wonder the divorce rates are skyrocketing.
- Peter | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:20:40 PM | | Don't think opening a marriage will save it. It is only a stop-gap measure and only signals you both are passengers on a sinking ship. There must be obvious problems that need addressing and adding other sex partners is not going to make the task any easier. Most likely it will probably only complicate things even further. Better to attempt to communicate what is not fulfilling and gratify in the relationship and rarely is it solely the sex. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:41:53 PM | I wouldn't want to do this, myself, but in some circumstances it can make sense. If I were between a rock and a hard place, I might be willing to try it before showing a partner the door. What's to lose if it fails? And what's to gain if it works?
If the relationship is great in all other ways but there is a sexual mismatch in one area, why throw away all the good parts of the marriage because of one problem? What if the issue were that she loves bingo and he loves nascar, and neither can stand the other's passion? should they break up, or should he let her go to bingo sometimes and he watches nascar? Take it one step further: she wants oral but he won't provide it - that means they should break up, right? With the solution described by the OP, both get their desires satisfied - this is simply a more extreme case!
Yes, it's unconventional, but from what the OP said, it's working for them. A lot of people aren't so flexible and adventurous, apparently, and like divorce more than they like a little kinkiness! 
It sounds like a win-win solution, which may be better than the win-lose, or lose-lose alternatives. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:53:48 PM | | are you crazy? why do you think if the two of you would have sex with other people would fix a marriage? that is just as bad as having a child to fix a marriage! and what strict rules could there be?! try picking up the phone and going to therapy! and decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/26/2008 12:54:29 PM | I wouldn't, unless that was part of our original agreement. In which case the question is moot.
But I have nothing against open relationships or marriages if that's what people feel works best for them. To each their own.
JMO | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/26/2008 3:39:20 PM | No, if the only way your partner will remain with you is if he is given the go-ahead to sleep with other women, then letting him do that is the same as losing him. You've sacrificed your heart, standards and self-respect for someone who bribes you so he/she can have the family life and the single life.
Nutt | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 9/26/2008 4:05:15 PM | .....and the award for best answer goes to BigDaddyJinx:
If the marriage ain't working, there's a reason for it. Introducing a 3rd party (parties) to the mix ain't a solution, it's evasion. Akin to burying your head in the sand.
Would *I* open the marriage? Not a freakin' chance. No way. If the marriage wasn't working, I'd try to find the reason why and work on that. If it was something that couldn't be resolved, then divorce here we come.
I can see why they lost some friends over their choice. But it is, afterall, their choice. Who are we to judge?
I understand to each his own, but this is a potentially dangerous situation.
Two people I knew 'back in the day' had the same sort of 'arrangement'. One day the husband came home and thought they had been robbed. It wasn't until the police were there that he realized his wife had cleaned him out. She had left him for the guy he 'gave her permission' to sleep with. | |
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