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 moccorocco
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 274
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Would you open you marriage to save it?Page 12 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
What's next? Sharing your kids with others whom they might like as parents when they don't like you? Asking your parents to adopt different children if you don't like them?

My question would be why marry in the first place if you have to make it open? You can always stay single and keep it as open as you want.
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 275
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/18/2009 7:47:12 AM
Since "forsaking all others" is one of the marriage vows, bringing a third party in is NOT saving the marriage, but violating it. Certainly changes the NATURE of it.

If this works for both of them, I say great. I don't see their marriage surviving in the long run, but maybe it was on the rocks and wouldn't have survived anyway.

That said...

You dig deeper to solve a problem, you don't invite a third person. This only complicates, diffuses, ignores, masks and makes a bigger mess of the original problem.
 forte42133
Joined: 10/26/2008
Msg: 276
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/18/2009 8:43:04 AM
No. That's an extremely slippery slope to start down, and there are too many things you can do with your spouse (i.e.: role-playing, exotic locations, road trips). Opening your marriage is begging for drama at best, and destroying intimacy between you and your partner at worst.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 277
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/18/2009 9:02:18 AM
If you're into an open marriage before you get married and have had a long standing relationship with the individual that works well that way, I suppose that's one kettle of fish; however, I'd think it was an entirely different matter if people figured that after living one way for all their married life and it was getting stale that they could just switch it up and figure that would "save" anything, they'd wind up being sadly mistaken and they'd only develop further problems, both with respect to their relationship, as well as with respect to their own moralistic emotional well being.
 Ependa
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 278
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/19/2009 11:25:48 PM
No. My ex and I discussed that. I have a high sex drive. He has virtually none. It just wasn't an option for me. Leaving him was one of the best things I've ever done (see my other post about what I did with my wedding ring--flushed it down the toilet).
Anyway, I say if it works for someone , that's awesome. I would never judge my friends for something like that..it's their business. I agree, good for them.
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 279
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 12:55:28 AM
"open you marriage to save it?"

Isn't that like fighting for peace? Or screwing for chastity?
 heartfelt7
Joined: 10/20/2007
Msg: 280
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 1:03:34 AM
marriage is a sacred institution, so don't take it lightly.
 honeyangel1985
Joined: 6/25/2009
Msg: 281
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 2:27:33 AM
OP, it sounds like they both need a shrink!

They love each other? Yeah, right ok
 *Echo*
Joined: 1/16/2008
Msg: 282
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 6:42:37 AM

Would you open your marriage (with strict rules and conditions) in order to save it? Imagine you really love your marriage partner but for whatever reason the marriage was not working.


To save the marriage? No. "Open marriage" is an oxymoron. If I would ever consider opening it, I am sure my romantic love would be long gone by then after making every possible attempt on my part to save it.
If I had small children, and I was the nurturing parent, I might considering opening the marriage for my children's sake, not to deprive them from the presence of a loving parent, in case I would have no more than half the custody, but the purpose would be not to save the marriage, and there would no conditions. We would be living in the same household, having separate rooms and have separate lives while raising our children together. There would be no marriage per se, it would be choosing the lesser evil for the children's sake, although that's also disputable.

 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 283
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 6:48:23 AM
I wouldn't open my marriage unless it was open to begin with. I would start wanting my future husband to go down while the other guy fed me grapes. Oh, the other ld could fetch my main man some vodka and fan me.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 284
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 7:05:28 AM
I run a philosophy cafe here and a few months ago we talked about monogamy, which was brought up as topic by one of the participants, who is in an open marriage.

While I personally couldn't imagine ever doing it, it seemed to work for them. They had been together since high school and never been with other people. They love each other and felt that it would help their relationship to open it up, because they both had never been with others. Both in their early twenties. Honest communication is the key, according to him. They talk about everything, in detail. And since this guy is very communicative I believe him.

only problem he sees is that she gets many more dates than he does. The minute he tells women that he's in an open marriage they're gone. She doesn't seem to have the problem with the men.

I was the only woman in the discussion and was the only one that couldn't see herself ever doing it. All the guys wished that they had a partner that would be open to it ;-)
 Commonsens
Joined: 4/6/2009
Msg: 285
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 7:08:09 AM
make my marriage into an "open" relationship!??!


I hope you're kidding or ready to have slowly, but surely watch it die as you sell your integrity the second you agree that crap.

Your solution only slower the inevitable but also at the same token, destroy immediately who you are, or supposed to be: Attempting to cure the disease by killing the patient.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 286
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 8:46:00 AM
Personally, I'd never do this and would prefer to end the relationship. However, I know that it can and does work for some people, as I know some couples who have done this for many years and are still together and happy.

I would not presume to assume that what works for others would work for me, or that what does or does not work for me would or should be the same for others.
 Bluesman2008
Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 287
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/20/2009 10:27:48 PM

I was the only woman in the discussion and was the only one that couldn't see herself ever doing it.


Bravo. I wouldn't either. That kind of "free love" stuff is from the 50's. Using "freedom" and "honest communication" as excuses to have sex with others? That's dating, no? That's not marriage and I truly doubt those people have one. They have another lifestyle, but it's not my conception of marriage. Although I shouldn't say that. For them, I guess as long as there are no children to screw up and there's no terrible diseases floating around well, good luck with that. But, to me at least, that's not marriage. That's "still shopping".

As a man, I simply could not wrap my mind around the picture of the woman I'm supposed to be in love with, sleeping with the gardner once in a while. That's simply beyond my comprehension.


I know some couples who have done this for many years and are still together and happy.


Bush and Cheney were pretty happy for a number of years, but.....oh my.

But doesn't this beg the question, just for speculation; assuming the PLAN B physical relationship is PURELY physical, one would have to ask, what is it about my needs that my S.O. isn't delivering and can't that be dealt with? I'm just guessing here, and completely not knowing the particulars about this couple, I'd be willing to bet it was HE who suggested bringing this game to play.

But this goes back to basic honesty and REAL communication.."I just want to go out and get laid Friday night, hon, if you don't mind"...hasn't much do to with, at least what I see as a healthy reality. If it was just two people, and one secretly longed to be chained to the wall in leathers and chains, yet all he got was a weekend Ozzie and Harriet picnic in the park with the kids watching the ducks go by while your head is exploding. Yeah. I can see that LMAO.
 RoninXLVIII
Joined: 12/17/2007
Msg: 288
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/21/2009 12:01:08 AM
No...eww. I wouldn't saw off my own arms and legs either...it defeats the purpose.
 **JerseyGirl**
Joined: 8/4/2009
Msg: 289
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/21/2009 1:18:58 AM
I don't see the point in open marriages. If you're going to see other people anyway why not stay single?


If the marriage ain't working, there's a reason for it. Introducing a 3rd party (parties) to the mix ain't a solution, it's evasion. Akin to burying your head in the sand.


Co-sign
 Anitagoodman
Joined: 3/12/2009
Msg: 290
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/21/2009 1:24:50 AM
My only answer would be NO! NEVER! I don't share.
There is a huge difference between "I CAN'T do anything to save my marriage" and "I WON'T do what it takes to save my marriage" I don't think that sleeping with other people twice a month constitutes a marital rescue...it's a temporary fix thats bound to have more consequences than what is already glaringly apparent.
JMHO, might work for some, but not for me.
 bostick4005
Joined: 12/10/2009
Msg: 291
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 12/19/2009 8:54:01 PM
This is what I have been thinking a lot about lately. What does one do when it becomes obvious that your partner fills some (but not all) of your needs (emotional, financial, sexual, parenting partner etc). I've seen statistics that suggest that is the case in 80% of marriages. In today's society those 80% have four options. Seek counseling, stay miserable, divorce or cheat. I'm not sure what percentage of couples really benefit from counseling but I assume there are a significant percentage that are left with the other three alternatives. All three are really lousy options especially if there are kids involved. It seems that a lot of couples would benefit from some kind of open marriage arrangement if it was socially acceptable (which clearly it is not). I see parallels to the social signma of couples in open relationships similar to what homosexuals experienced twenty or thirty years ago (and still do today in many places). They are nearly all "in the closet". Does anyone else think this is something that may become more accepted in our society over time?
 4forumonly
Joined: 12/24/2008
Msg: 292
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 12/20/2009 7:25:52 AM
I have nothing against open marriage. I have high respect for those who can do it in a long term.

But it's not a remedy for failing marriage. If your roof is leaking in your house, do you think open the roof wide open is a good idea to fix the leakage? Sure, there isn't any leak any more. But the rain will just pour in.
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