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 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 26
Would you open you marriage to save it?Page 2 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Let's say a couple gets married when they are in their 20s;

Sometime 10 years later, one partner becomes paralyzed from the chest down. Unable to enjoy sex. The people still love each other and wish to continue the marriage. Should the unparalyzed partner just give up having sex?

Or lets say after menopause, a woman's sex urge wanes and practically disappears. The couple still love each other, just the woman has no interest in having sex. Should the man just give up having sex?

Or lets say a man has ED problems and isn't interested in taking Viagara, and just becomes disinterested in having sex. Should the woman just give up having sex?

I don't begrudge other people for making mature concessions and compromises in their relationships. Now just because I wouldn't want to be in an open marriage doesn't mean those people in those marriages are NECESSARILY sleezebags.

Now those who get married with the idea of monogamy and then change their minds during marriage, looking for sexual dalliances, makes you wonder why they got married in the first place? Or why would two swingers marry? Then again, it ain't my business.
 littledoesfawn
Joined: 8/15/2007
Msg: 27
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:37:42 PM
I'm sorry, but my answer is no. I love my s/o and I don't see how sharing him with someone will help the relationship. If there's problems work on them if there is no chance of it helping (with the work) then it's time to call it the end!
 good kitty
Joined: 2/21/2008
Msg: 28
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:40:11 PM
What a couple decides to do with their relationship, is their decision.

Personally? No f*cking way in a frozen over hell!!
 spicynicegirl
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 29
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:41:03 PM
I thought about this when I was married but I would be so jealous knowing that he was with someone else.
 wolftx
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 30
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:46:57 PM
Preamble:
Let me answer that question with a very differentiating and lengthy reply, highlighting all the aspects of emotional, financial and personal issues. I may digress a little, but I want to demonstrate that I thought about the question long and hard. I weighed the needs and benefits against the issues and well-being of the couple involved, one of them being me in your hypothetical question. Feel free to skip a few paragraphs to get to the core of my beliefs.

My answer is:
No.
 gatorsz
Joined: 3/4/2008
Msg: 31
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:48:42 PM
Though I don't condemn / judge the folks who do the open, poly, whatever they want to do... it'd never work for me.

An open marriage isn't a marriage. It's just roommates having sex once in awhile, and then having sex with others once in awhile. Personally, if that's all its going to be.. why be married? Marriage should be something of value. And I would think there's a lot of "drama" in that scenario. Couldn't tell you first hand.. but it would seem to be drama filled.

Did have to chuckle on OP's opening remarks on how her friends have "strict rules of open marriage." I wonder who is the one that enforces the rules? Can I volunteer? Hmmm. "Open Marriage Cop --- making sure you abide by the rules.".

Like someone else said.. different strokes for different folks -- but sure wouldn't be for me.
 clasact
Joined: 1/18/2008
Msg: 32
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 5:49:51 PM
No, not a chance, rules or no rules.

It's still cheating/adultery, whether or not the other knows or encourgages it or not.
There's a reason their marriage isn't working and probably more than only in the sex department.

They probably once would not have even dreamed of doing this a number of years ago most likely. Things changed and I wonder did they even seek any counseling to try and find the reason things changed. It just didn't happen overnight.

If I love someone there's no way I want someone else........period. And if he wanted to wander then it would be divorce if no VIABLE solution could be found.

I imagine the friends they lost were mostly couples, I don't know.

It is their choice but somehow, something tells me that in the end things might not be so great. But, it's their choice and each to their own.

Just sayin' IMHO
 2ofcup
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 33
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:00:57 PM
No, I wouldn't open it to save it. I would try to fix what’s broken in the relationship

"They have done this for 4 years now and they said it saved their tired old marriage and made them both very happy"

Of course they are happy; they get to have sex with someone they like......
What this is doing is prolonging the end of a marriage of 2 people who have grown apart instead of growing together.
 Ameerra
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 34
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:05:58 PM
When a relationship stops "working" I believe it's because there's a deeper level of intimacy that needs to be developed and many people who don't want to go there either break up or look for satisfaction outside of the relationship.

And yes, sometimes the two people have just grown apart and are not the same people.

Introducing another person does nothing for the relationship. It's a distraction pure and simple.

I would never do it or agree to it.
 kimberleybs
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 35
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:07:13 PM
NO WAY would I ever open my marriage to that.

I personally believe it dirties something which is supposed to be clean and pure. And what about the part when you vow to forsake all others? Both parties just broke their vows which are supposed to be sacred. I think its sad that so many are accepting of this type of behavior.

I say GROSS!
 smiliegirl15
Joined: 7/15/2006
Msg: 36
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:09:07 PM
I don't share!!!

Opening wouldn't really save it anyway; it's just avoiding what the real problem is. I guess it's how long they can avoid the real issues by pretending this solves all their problems.
 Indigo rose
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 37
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:12:24 PM
What? That is not a marriage that is part time commitment. I wouldn't allow my husband to date I was strict like that. That and I am one jealous chic.
But I hear Will Smith and Jada worked out something similar? Crazy show people anyway!
 ImAHotMess
Joined: 7/11/2008
Msg: 38
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:17:41 PM
I won't even share my rare steak, I certainly would not share a lover/husband....just my opinion but there is something wrong there if two people or even one for that matter feel the need to go and have other relations with other people. If something is not working, try to fix it. If not, go your own separate ways. Why make life so complicated?
 serenityCW
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 39
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:19:43 PM
if it were this marriage, what i'd open is the door and let the dominatrix have him. however, i would not go running back to an ex boyfriend. instead, i'd get me a new one on POF!!!

ps were they high school sweethearts? having a delayed mid life crisis "together"?
 lepetitemorte
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 40
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 6:30:40 PM
To have an open marriage in the attempt to save it would not work. An open marriage

(as I understand it) depends on having ultimate trust in your partner. Obviously if it is

faltering, that trust wouldn't be there. Plus, many insecure types couldn't handle it

anyway (even if they call it jealousy) so it wouldn't be worth the effort.

my .02
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 41
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 7:10:43 PM
OP: "Would you open your marriage (with strict rules and conditions) in order to save it?"

Oh heck yeah!!!

However, my strict rules and conditions would include monogamy and faithfulness.




~ds~
 Itsa Jelly
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 42
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 7:39:30 PM
I don't know... If they're really being honest with one another and both of them are genuinely happy now... the dominatrix is probably getting paid and maybe the ex-beau doesn't want the complications of another marriage? Life's too short to follow some conventional pattern of what's right and what's not right between consenting adults. I've seen couples sleep in separate bedrooms until one becomes a happier widow, I've seen people lie and cheat their way through marriage and divorce... It could be that one of them is really miserable, or that it ends in bitterness, resentment and eventually divorce... but because their roadmap is not the norm doesn't necessarily make it wrong, just unusual.

Reminds me of a quote from Mencken: “Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy”
 Lacey909hearts
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 43
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 7:44:52 PM
I don't share....lol!
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 44
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/25/2008 8:08:45 PM

Let's say a couple gets married when they are in their 20s;

Sometime 10 years later, one partner becomes paralyzed from the chest down. Unable to enjoy sex. The people still love each other and wish to continue the marriage. Should the unparalyzed partner just give up having sex?

Or lets say after menopause, a woman's sex urge wanes and practically disappears. The couple still love each other, just the woman has no interest in having sex. Should the man just give up having sex?

Or lets say a man has ED problems and isn't interested in taking Viagara, and just becomes disinterested in having sex. Should the woman just give up having sex?


Actually, let's just say that's a radical interpretation of the text.

You bring up some valid points bikeman, but a RADICAL interpretation of the text indeed. Sounds to me like you're the type that likes to have his cake and eat it too. So let's look at your interpretations shall we?


Sometime 10 years later, one partner becomes paralyzed from the chest down. Unable to enjoy sex. The people still love each other and wish to continue the marriage. Should the unparalyzed partner just give up having sex?


WAY over the top, as this would likely only impact less than 0.00000001% of the population. Not those that are infirm now, but those that *may* be in your example. If that scenario happened, I know a few people that enjoy their sex life just fine after a life changing accident. It takes investigation, eagerness to find solutions, patience and effort. But it can and definately is being done, even as we speak. Hell, I used to know a paralyzed lady who had a BETTER sex life than I did, being fully mobile. So to answer your question, should the unparalyzed one just give up? Nope, and if they do they're selfish **stards that aren't willing to work through adversity.


Or lets say after menopause, a woman's sex urge wanes and practically disappears. The couple still love each other, just the woman has no interest in having sex. Should the man just give up having sex?


After the "life change" a woman's sex drive can disappear almost overnight, agreed. HOWEVER...this being 2008 and all, and not 1938, there are these fantastic hormone replacement meds that can be incorporated to medically stimulate the woman back to some modicum of sex drive. So to answer your question should the man just give up having sex? Nope, he should talk about it with his spouse and see if she's willing to get herself on the meds to get the sex drive back. Communication is key.


Or lets say a man has ED problems and isn't interested in taking Viagara, and just becomes disinterested in having sex. Should the woman just give up having sex?


So a man has ED problems, like this is a surprise to anyone? More men suffer from this silent devastation than is reported, they just won't speak up. They'd rather live quietly and wallow in their own misery. So should she give up having sex 'cause he is too proud to take it? Nope, she should find out why he doesn't wanna take it, and wouldn't ya know it...chances are she'll find out there's more than just ED at work here, and other real viable issues to contend with in the marriage. The ED is just a convenient detractor.

All in all, I won't judge someone if this is what they choose to do, by open-ending their marriage to "save" it...but to infer that this is somehow a "mature concession" on their part is fallicy and ludicrous. Open ending a relationship is just avoiding the root cause of what led you to that path to begin with. Concession has little to do with it. Neither does maturity. They're not sleazebags, but that party is just choosing to ignore it (the real problem) hoping it'll go away.
 Sweeet_Melissa
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 45
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:34:10 AM
vamptiger3 wrote
My belief is that if you have to "open" your marriage to save it, the marriage is already doomed.

just-be-honest wrote
if that is what's called saving a marriage I would take the divorce as there is nothing left to save

Many people made similar post

From my OP
They have done this for 4 years now and they said it saved their tired old marriage and made them both very happy. They still Love each other immensely but they just needed a little something extra in their marriage.


Instead of being divorced they are still happily married and very much in Love. They are fulling needs outside their marriage that they can not get inside the marriage. Their marriage has apparently NOT been devalued by their "hobbies" but has become stronger.

As my dad and his Army buddies always said...."You can not argue with the facts on the ground"
 Just Chattin
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 46
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:37:37 AM
It's everyone to their own I suppose but for me, it would divorce courts as soon as ! Surely marriage is about the ups and downs with just the two of you not any more in the pot ! and problems that you either work out or split up over.

If I was the the other person in the equasion id certainly have more self esteem to be used like that.

So, my answer is "get a solicitor" im out of here
 zopz
Joined: 1/3/2008
Msg: 47
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:57:07 AM

Instead of being divorced they are still happily married and very much in Love. They are fulling needs outside their marriage that they can not get inside the marriage. Their marriage has apparently NOT been devalued by their "hobbies" but has become stronger.

As my dad and his Army buddies always said...."You can not argue with the facts on the ground"


And to some people, a marriage means that everything is fulfilled within that one, single relationship, not going outside of it to meet needs that should be met within that relationship. And for many people, this means sex. Going outside of marriage to meet whatever needs (especially involving sex), well, a lot of people do have problems with that.

If you have to resort to do something like that, it's really not a true marriage and needs to be ended. Some people don't think that way, so whatever, but I live by my beliefs and not theirs.

It's just not a true, fulfilling relationship if you have to do that stuff, and I think that even if it's not marriage. There really is no point in being married if you even want to do things like that, if you ask me.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 48
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 12:59:55 AM

They are fulling needs outside their marriage that they can not get inside the marriage.


That just boil's down to "what can they do that I can't?".

If they have to look outside their own marriage because (and I had to stop myself from laughing out loud) their needs aren't being met in the marriage, that ain't much of a marriage now is it? Seems a very contradiction in terms now doesn't it? A marriage is supposed to be able to provide you everything that you need.

Just from your own words, there's a "need" that isn't being met within the marriage. Makes me wonder what "need" could be met with outside a marriage that couldn't be met inside one? To me, there is no "need" that can't be met, it's just being avoided in that marriage.

I'm sure we're all happy that they're happy with it, as they see it, but to imply that this is in any way a "happy marriage" would be insulting to anyone that is actually married and faithful to their spouses. You know, the ones that find out what's really broken and take steps to repair it without seeking 3rd parties?

If I was already married, I know I'd be insulted by the inference. Maybe it's just me?

 Rhamphoryncus
Joined: 1/25/2008
Msg: 49
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 1:14:00 AM
So what if their relationship doesn't fit the classical definition of "marriage". That doesn't mean it's not a healthy, stable, rewarding relationship.

There's enough "normal" relationships that are unhealthy. Picking on one unusual relationship because of superficial appearances, with no information about the real dynamics involved, doesn't accomplish anything.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 50
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 1:25:08 AM

Picking on one unusual relationship because of superficial appearances, with no information about the real dynamics involved, doesn't accomplish anything.


No one is "picking on" anything. Mostly all of us have said, whatever floats their boat it's their choice.

However, what we ARE analyzing is the fact that a couple calls themselves married, has issues or "needs" that can't be met in said marriage, and rather than focus on what this "need" is and fix the situation they opted to evade it and seek shelter with 3rd parties instead.

Normal, or classic marriages fail as well. Normal, or classic marriages can last. Suggesting/implying to an audience that clearly evading a problem or "need" led to a more "happy ever after" in the arms of 3rd parties is preposterous. People will be bound to have opinions about that right there. I mean, honestly, since when is problem avoidance the key to happiness? If that's all it takes is to bury my head in the sand when a problem comes up, then apparently I've been doing it wrong all this time.

But no one is "picking on" anything. We're just trying to comprehend how issue avoidance in a marriage is considered a "good" thing these days?

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