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 BOT TAK
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 76
Would you open you marriage to save it?Page 4 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

I know a older couple (in their 50's)
I say good for them.
Would you open your marriage? Imagine you really love your marriage partner
When I read the headline, my first reaction was -- NO WAY.

When I read the whole story, I start considering options. If I REALLY LOVE him and divorce is still not an option after 30 years of marriage, I'd let him enjoy this as he wants. But then, I couldn't have sex with anyone if I'd love him.

It definitely good for them, but I see the contradiction in the condition. But maybe my life experience is just not enough to consider this.


What's this marriage based on? Sex? It sure as hell is not based on love
Well, Julietjuliet, I have totally opposite opinion - this marriage based on anything but sex.
When marriage based on sex, it means you like the same things in sex, you want your partner all the time any time, but it's too hard to solve other issues...but sex is never an issue.
These people, as far as I can see, love each other. They want to stay together despite differences in sex. Everything else might be perfect - they have same spending habits, never argue about money (which is #1 reason for divorce), children are great, they care about each other's families....social life....you name it - everything is perfect, but they want something in sex what their partner can't deliver.

Let's say the woman is totally not that dominating to hit him or something worse. He needs it. Does he have to marry someone in the order to have satisfaction? To make whole family, children, his partner who he loves, everybody - unhappy? Or should he quit thinking about sex at all, because everything else won't satisfy him?

The woman might need sex ...but what she can do if he CAN'T do it to her? Let's say he couldn't have sex because of surgery or something - would she divorce? After 30 years? doubt it

Sex is very important part of the life, but it's not the whole life. It's easy for us to discuss - not too many people spent 30 years with someone to consider divorce so easy.
Maybe it's why we are all single, huh?
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 77
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 1:36:40 PM
It depends on the couple and how their lines of communication and trust work.

I know couples who have done this and when they didn't like it anymore, they both stopped. Their respect, love and trust in each other came FIRST.

What they do is their business, how can that affect our friendship? It's not part of our friendship. In fact, they don't even need to tell their friends - why does everyone need to know?
 mistyblue_07
Joined: 11/9/2007
Msg: 78
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 1:59:27 PM
Open relationships don't appeal to me, but I've learnt never to say never! Can't see it ever happening for me though, don't like to share my man.

The thing about this couple is that they had a 'tired old marriage' and they're in their 50s - so it's a fair bet that they've been married for about 30 years. Well I don't know many people in their 50s who have kept a relationship together for 30 years and been happy in it. Most people I know outside of my parents generation were divorced before they hit the 20 year mark, or soon after.

The point is that if they're still happy they must know each other pretty well and think well of each other. Maybe everything else they have together is so great that it has more meaning to them than the sex part of their relationship - they're not deceiving anyone, they're hurting no-one else - the only people who stand to lose is themselves if things don't work out.

Maybe in a couple of years they'll decide that they don't really need to do this anymore, who knows? But hopefully they'll still have each other and a happy relationship. Each to their own.
 yna6
Joined: 1/21/2007
Msg: 79
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:01:58 PM
I have to agree with sunnybunny.
The plural of spouse is spice.
Also, marriage was NOT meant to be monogamy....many forms of marriage are NOT that way.
Why toss away a marriage? If things are going along ok, except in the bedroom, then maybe the partners should experiment a bit or ease up on their hangups. If not, then discuss the idea of opening the marriage, as far as sex is concerned.
 madtigger
Joined: 3/25/2008
Msg: 80
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:07:08 PM
good luck to them. come on if you could have you husband and a passionate other man would you. its like scones with jam add cream and its a perfect match.
lifes to short to judge . embrase new things and enjoy.

 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 81
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:11:15 PM
^^^ "Maybe everything else they have together is so great that it has more meaning to them than the sex part of their relationship"

Misty, if it was so great, I don't believe it would have been described as a "tired old marriage". I think that's where the discussions have centered in terms of trying to analyze these people's relationship without knowing them and having very little substantive information and facts to go on. I've actually been pretty impressed with the posts being non-judgemental about the scenario. Lacking any real insight to their relationship, we can only grasp at straws. The straw I grasp at, is their extramarital excursions were an attempt to wake up, liven up or somehow shake up the 'tiredness'. I am surprized it has gone on for 4 years, so I assume they're still feeling a little less tired. JMO.




~ds~
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 82
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 2:13:19 PM
Also, marriage was NOT meant to be monogamy....many forms of marriage are NOT that way.
Why toss away a marriage? If things are going along ok, except in the bedroom, then maybe the partners should experiment a bit or ease up on their hangups. If not, then discuss the idea of opening the marriage, as far as sex is concerned.


WTF?! What planet are YOU on? Mankind itself may not have been designed and hard coded for monogamy, however...

Marriage is most certainly meant to be monogamous...hence the whole "forsaking ALL OTHERS..." bit that is included. If you're trying to compare traditional marriage in the western culture to marriages in the rain forest or some other tribal cultures, then wow, you are so missing the point here. Completely.

If you're referring to those types locally that can have more than one wife, that ain't even a valid contrast either. They are purposely getting married to more than one at a time...knowingly.

We're talking about a classical marriage scenario, you know the type that sees one man + one woman = forsaking all others.




Feel free to rejoin the topic already in progress...
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 83
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 3:49:13 PM
BDJ, I'm not advocating open marriages. I stated a few scenarios that I felt fell into a "grey area". Too many people in these forums make knee-jerk reactions when asked a question in simple language and the questions simply aren't as simple as they appear. I've never been married, nor would I get married if I thought I had doubts about my ability to honor monogamy and vice-versa. That pretty much answers the OP's question.

One partner looking for a 3rd party dominatrix a couple of times a week would NOT fall into what I'd consider a "grey area". Lets say I'm married and my lady insists that I choke her during sex. I tell her no. She insists and gives an ultimatum saying that she will seek sex with other guys who will choke her if I don't choke her during sex. Honestly, given that sort of ultimatum I'd seek a divorce and end the marriage. In the OP's example, the lady involved didn't seem to want to be a dominatrix to her husband, and she wanted to get laid by a former flame. This couple should NEVER been married with the concept of monogamy. Accepting how a marriage evolves from monogamous to non-monogamous seems VERY convoluted to me. Rationalization of adultery.
 Sweeet_Melissa
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 84
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 4:44:34 PM
davidsauvignon wrote
....he has sex with a dom.

no No NO NO! You do not have sex with your Dominatrix. That would make the Dominatrix something else entirely. Dominatrices DO NOT have ANY kind of sex with their clients. Not the vanilla kind or the Clinton/Lewinsky kind. NONE. It is all about the Domination. Dommes that have sex with their clients are ostracized. I did not say he has sex with his Dominatrix.

DallisFlier wrote
OK, I'll bite. If "most arrangements are kept secret for obvious reasons" then just how do you know that "this marriage situation is much more prevalent than many of you suspect"???


Because I am one of the people that men call when they want one of these arrangements. I also know a lot of people in the escort field. Escorts offer services I do not and they are generally more talkative about who their clients are. Married men are the best costumers for high class call girls and for your better Domme's
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 85
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 4:50:48 PM

One partner looking for a 3rd party dominatrix a couple of times a week would NOT fall into what I'd consider a "grey area". Lets say I'm married and my lady insists that I choke her during sex. I tell her no. She insists and gives an ultimatum saying that she will seek sex with other guys who will choke her if I don't choke her during sex. Honestly, given that sort of ultimatum I'd seek a divorce and end the marriage. In the OP's example, the lady involved didn't seem to want to be a dominatrix to her husband, and she wanted to get laid by a former flame. This couple should NEVER been married with the concept of monogamy. Accepting how a marriage evolves from monogamous to non-monogamous seems VERY convoluted to me. Rationalization of adultery.


Gotcha. Thanks for fleshing that out as you did. I can see where your argument lays now.

What really has me puzzled is how someone can marry, and be with their spouse for so many years, and then all of a sudden sexual freakiness becomes an issue? To the educated masses, one doesn't just spontaneously develop fetishes. They generally are imbued on us earlier on and we carry them with us. So if you KNOW that you're a freak in bed and you like your sex to be freaky, wouldn't it make more sense to be open about it in the beginning to make sure you're compatible and thereby avoiding the weak rationalization of adultery later on?

Know what I mean?
 evilscooterkitty
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 86
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 5:08:41 PM

I knew a couple who were about to divorce but as a last ditch attempt to save their marriage, they went to counselling. They were advised to live seperately and begin dating like they were not married. They did this and it worked for them.


This was one of the inital posts...by Willowbunny

I wonder if the "couple" was trolling on POF for their "therapy"...disgusting!
 MMORPGRTSFPS
Joined: 6/20/2008
Msg: 87
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 5:23:24 PM

Gotcha. Thanks for fleshing that out as you did. I can see where your argument lays now.

What really has me puzzled is how someone can marry, and be with their spouse for so many years, and then all of a sudden sexual freakiness becomes an issue? To the educated masses, one doesn't just spontaneously develop fetishes. They generally are imbued on us earlier on and we carry them with us. So if you KNOW that you're a freak in bed and you like your sex to be freaky, wouldn't it make more sense to be open about it in the beginning to make sure you're compatible and thereby avoiding the weak rationalization of adultery later on?

Know what I mean?


I agree. It's why I won't get involved any more with people who aren't interested in similar things. I know what I want, and it's important to me, and will go for a woman who needs the same.

To me, marriage is a scam to begin with. People who get married are just locked into being stuck together. People who aren't married and remain together are together because they really want to be together. They actually love each other.

Gotta say, this whole thread is an example on why marriage doesn't work. It's broken.
 BOT TAK
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 88
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 5:24:21 PM
I am not advocating open marriage as well. And I am pretty sure these two people got married not with intention to "full around"...it's just life happens.

People change. Some of them divorce to find more suitable partner, some of them make arrangements like this. If it works for someone, why should we blame them for that? they are happy with their lives, it's all what's matter.

I personally wouldn't like to make such arrangements in my life, but again, I never spent with anyone 30+ years. How do I know what would be right then?
 BOT TAK
Joined: 8/4/2006
Msg: 89
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 5:39:16 PM

What really has me puzzled is how someone can marry, and be with their spouse for so many years, and then all of a sudden sexual freakiness becomes an issue? To the educated masses, one doesn't just spontaneously develop fetishes. They generally are imbued on us earlier on and we carry them with us. So if you KNOW that you're a freak in bed and you like your sex to be freaky, wouldn't it make more sense to be open about it in the beginning to make sure you're compatible and thereby avoiding the weak rationalization of adultery later on

First of all, people REALLY don't know from the start (when they are 18-20) what they like dislike, because the old plain sex feels so good, you don't think about something else. Then you live with someone in love and understanding, let's say 10 years, and sex is fading out: children, careers, mortgages, you-name-it.

Then you look around - kids are gone, sex is not a fun anymore, career is quite stable, mortgage is paid off.....yawn...you still love your spouse, with all these memories of mutual life, BUT...you feel that something has changed. You want more...and you do not understand what's it.

People are lucky that they had all this memories together for sooo long, not everyone is blessed with that. Why would they destroy the good things which were seasoned because some of them wants more?

Why would they destroy so many lives just because they want to feel something forgotten couple times a month?

I don't think they are deceiving other people - it would be totally different story.

Do you know how many swingers around you? BDSM, involving not both of partners, but like in this case - only one?

Why people try to judge something they don't even have a clue about?

If I personally don't want something for myself, it doesn't mean people shouldn't do it. I just won't choose a partner who doesn't fit me ON MY STAGE OF LIFE. They chose their partners long time ago!! If it doesn't hurt anyone - they are free to do what they are happy with.

And we are here assuming too much
 Sweeet_Melissa
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 90
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 5:39:26 PM
BigDaddyJinx posted (I snipped)

sexual freakiness becomes an issue?.....sex to be freaky....

Domination is not about sex.

BugDaddyJinx posted

To the educated masses, one doesn't just spontaneously develop fetishes. They generally are imbued on us earlier on and we carry them with us.

Yes you are right.
Most clients of Dommes are middle age married men who never thought they would ever act on their fetish which they have had since their teen years or earlier. They thought they were too weird and hid their desires. Also, when they were young they probably did not have the money for a Domme.

In my opinion most men with these fetishes keep them secret when they are young but when they get older they mature and gain confidence and are ready to face and live out their kinky dreams.
Many young men do not tell their wives about their fetishes because they themselves are not ready to face them.

Why does having a Domination fetish make you a freak? I will admit there are some fetishes I, and most other Dommes, will not touch with a ten foot dildo. Still, most Domination fetishes are nothing more than a little fantasy role play and are mostly about power exchange.

Getting your ass kicked by a Domme to save your marriage does not make you a freak. Letting your marriage dissolve because you see the world in only black and white makes you a freak.
In the old sitcoms I have seen on nik-at-night I see some where the parents have two beds in their main bedroom. I guess married people sleeping together in the same bed made them freaks back then.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 91
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 6:22:14 PM

no No NO NO! You do not have sex with your Dominatrix. That would make the Dominatrix something else entirely. Dominatrices DO NOT have ANY kind of sex with their clients...Most clients of Dommes are middle age married men who never thought they would ever act on their fetish which they have had since their teen years or earlier.
I must admit that I am proudly ignorant of what role the dominatrix plays to her dominatee. It sounds mostly like paying a stripper for couch dances. Now why a middle-aged man would believe he is missing out on something in life if he denies himself domination, and explores those sorts of sexual fantasies with his partner, that sounds like a mental illness. I can't really approve of stuff like this inside the context of a marriage. It doesn't make sense. Sounds like a collosal waste of disposable income for a strange kink.
 snkngrss
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 92
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 6:26:18 PM
i agree with the op...good for them...i myself wouldnt go for it...but...four pages of responses and we still dont know if sweet melissa would let her rooster go bouncing off to another hen house.............
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 93
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 6:34:34 PM
^^^ "I must admit that I am proudly ignorant of what role the dominatrix plays to her dominatee."

I obviously got busted on my ignorance as well, bikeman.




~ds~
 Sweeet_Melissa
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 94
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 6:42:32 PM
snkngrass
.... four pages of responses and we still dont know if Sweeet Melissa would let her rooster go bouncing off to another hen house.............


I have handcuffs, rope, chains, other stuff I can not mention here, and I am very good with my whip. My rooster will stay where I put him.

Besides, I am actually a very sweeet girl and no guy would want to leave me, even if he could escape.
 snkngrss
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 95
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 7:03:31 PM
melissa....even though i kinda wanted to tease you a little i really was interested in how you would answer your own question...which you did very well :)
 RustySurfer10
Joined: 6/20/2006
Msg: 96
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 7:34:36 PM
This feels like the porn thread all over again, filled with redundancy and awaiting deletion.
 KaraokeMistress
Joined: 8/6/2008
Msg: 97
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:05:03 PM
To save it? No way. As one poster stated ... if you have to open your marriage in order to "save it", there's no saving it. If you have a strong marriage with trust, then that's the marriage you want to open if you feel the desire to be with another or to allow another into your lives. If it works, go for it. Works for us.
 amberzamber
Joined: 7/16/2008
Msg: 98
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 8:17:29 PM
If it works for them than heck I guess they should give it a try..but do I think it will fix their problem? Not even slightly!

I know a woman whose had a strick policy, rules, blah, blah' blah open relationship for 7 years and right from the beginning...what a shocker that she no longer chooses to go by the 'rules' as they made them and is actually cheating on him and in love with another man..how the hell do you cheat when you have an open relationship? It crosses over to love and no longer lust, and that my friends is what rips your heart out when someone cheats on you......right now this couple thinks it's fine because it's 'just sex' with strangers....

....what the guy is doing in his quest (that the OP spoke of) is all sexual for now. His wife however is in love with an old boyfriend...(otherwise she'd pick someone she does not have a past with) ...so no way in Hell is this going to have a happy ending....
 superbadzzz
Joined: 8/16/2008
Msg: 99
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 9:00:10 PM
like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
 Infinityx1
Joined: 7/26/2008
Msg: 100
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 9:10:44 PM
Absolutely I would not. And, that's just my personal choice. If something is going wrong in the marriage, try everything in your power to fix it. By bringing in outsiders into the marriage you run the risk of one of the marital partners developing deep feelings for the person you're bringing into the marriage. If you can't fix it, divorce court can. Just like everyone else said, "I'm not the judge" of them, but its not right for me.
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