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 plebayo
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 101
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Would you open you marriage to save it?Page 5 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

If the marriage ain't working, there's a reason for it. Introducing a 3rd party (parties) to the mix ain't a solution, it's evasion. Akin to burying your head in the sand.

Would *I* open the marriage? Not a freakin' chance. No way. If the marriage wasn't working, I'd try to find the reason why and work on that. If it was something that couldn't be resolved, then divorce here we come.


You hit the nail on the head entirely.
 aSydneyMale
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 102
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 9:21:23 PM
If you open your marriage to third parties, you kill it.

Maybe slowly, maybe quickly, but it dies in the end when you introduce other people.
 okiecowboy17
Joined: 6/22/2007
Msg: 103
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 10:58:46 PM
Way to say it Karaoke Misstress

Trying it that way may not save many marriages. If you love and trust your mate, swinging can be wonderful. What most people don't understand is that swinging is all about trust. Imagine living your life without jealousy. Can you? Can you not have the attitude of, " I F%#K you so I own you? Can you love with an open hand and an open heart? If you love and trust someone, why would you deny them anything? Any experience, or any pleasure? It must be returned. If it is not, it is wrong. Those of you that judge without knowing are idiots. Find out about it. Learn. Talk to people in the lifestyle before you judge. I have lived the lifestyle and love the openness and honesty. You want an example. If someone you know can say to you, " I would realy like the four of us to play(meaning I would like to do your wife. Would you like to do mine?). They can say anything to you. Hey, man your fly is open. Some of the happiest couples I have ever known are swingers. Don't judge what you don't understand. Go to a swingers club and see the honesty, openness and fun people have. You don't have to do anything. Just learn before you condemn.
 wolftx
Joined: 5/29/2008
Msg: 104
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 11:09:53 PM
Perhaps I can interest you in killing someone. Imagine living your life without that person you dislike. Can you? Can you not have the attitude of, "F%#K, it’s against the law"? Can you kill with a steady hand and a cold heart? If you don’t kill someone, why would you deny them going to heaven? Any experience, or any pleasure? Those of you that judge without knowing are idiots. Find out about it. Learn. Talk to people in the lifestyle before you judge. I have lived the lifestyle and love the openness and honesty. You want an example. If someone you know can say to you, "I would really like the to do some killing" (meaning I would like to do your wife. Would you like to do mine?). They can say anything to you. Some of the happiest widowers I have ever known are killers. Don't judge what you don't understand. Go to a hunting club and see the honesty, openness and fun people have. You don't have to do anything. Just learn before you condemn.
 sanderick
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 105
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 11:17:55 PM
It's kind of like cutting off your arms and legs to save your life.

Do you really want to live that way?

For some this may be an option, but as another poster said.

It's not Saving, it's Evading.

If the marriage isn't working there are a million different things you can try, without "opening" the marriage.
 La Gioconda
Joined: 6/27/2008
Msg: 106
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 11:45:30 PM
It would be like opening a box of Pandora. I knew once a young couple who lived in an open type of marriage. I think this kind of attitude is an invitation to just more trouble. What happened in a case of a couple that I knew, is that she was boinking a married man, who simply cheated on his wife. She fell in love and wanted exclusive relationship with a married man. She left her marriage in hope that her current lover will leave his wife, but he did not have any intention. The result of the story - broken marriage.

I think if there is already a trouble in marriage, the last thing I would want is invite more trouble. Have you read a novel 'The Arrangements' by Elia Kazan, the author is discussing this kind of arrangements, in which man would regularly sleep outside of his marriage, part of his entertainment, but had never had intention of leaving his marriage, until he meets a woman called Gwen. Suddenly his life takes unexpected turn.
 FishOwl
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 107
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 11:51:51 PM
If it works for them and they are ok with it, then it is ok by me and really none of my business.

It would absolutely NOT be ok for any pairing of which I was a part.

Whatever floats your boat.
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 108
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/26/2008 11:54:15 PM

Why does having a Domination fetish make you a freak? I will admit there are some fetishes I, and most other Dommes, will not touch with a ten foot dildo. Still, most Domination fetishes are nothing more than a little fantasy role play and are mostly about power exchange.

Getting your ass kicked by a Domme to save your marriage does not make you a freak. Letting your marriage dissolve because you see the world in only black and white makes you a freak.
In the old sitcoms I have seen on nik-at-night I see some where the parents have two beds in their main bedroom. I guess married people sleeping together in the same bed made them freaks back then.


Melissa, please don't attempt to adjust my words to suit your own context, k? Thx.




Not once did I say it makes you a freak. Having the fetish doesn't make you a freak either.

The fact that anyone would get off getting "dominated" and "punished" and so forth, henceforth known as "the act itself"...THAT is what I referred to as freaky.

Rape is also about power exchange...with a lack of a controlled environment, and a "safe word". Yet I don't see anyone running to their nearest equivalent of a Rape Fetishist. You know, "I'll rape you for $$$". Yea, I just don't get it.

Anyone that gets their ya-ya's off being dominated, I just don't fathom. And never will. But if that's what they "need" (laughable word use there too btw), then go nuts. I will remain comfortably ignorant in my black and white world thanks. That kinda color I want nothing to do with.

I'd rather have black and white than black and blue...

 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 109
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:35:10 AM
First you said:


Having the fetish doesn't make you a freak either.


Then followed it with:


The fact that anyone would get off getting "dominated" and "punished" and so forth, henceforth known as "the act itself"...THAT is what I referred to as freaky.


So basically what you're saying is you're only a freak if you actually fulfill one of your fantasies? People like you make me f*cking sick. If it doesn't effect you, then shut the f*ck up, and let people do what they want, as long as they aren't hurting anybody.


Rape is also about power exchange...with a lack of a controlled environment, and a "safe word". Yet I don't see anyone running to their nearest equivalent of a Rape Fetishist. You know, "I'll rape you for $$$". Yea, I just don't get it.


Then you obviously only see what you want to. I've met a handful of women over the years that had rape fantasies, and really wanted/liked to live them out. Hell, I know somebody I still talk to that likes getting slapped, choked, verbally abused, and raped in the bedroom. And yes I know you want to say about how "unhealthy" or how "disturbed" or how "messed up in the head" they are. But the reason WHY they like it is completely irrelevant, and doesn't detract from the fact that they DO enjoy it.


Anyone that gets their ya-ya's off being dominated, I just don't fathom. And never will. But if that's what they "need" (laughable word use there too btw), then go nuts. I will remain comfortably ignorant in my black and white world thanks. That kinda color I want nothing to do with.


Hey, nobody is asking you to get involved. All you need to do is keep your mouth shut and let people do what makes them happy. You don't "need" your girl to suck your d*ck either, but nobody calls you a pig/freak for urging her to do it (this is all rhetoric, as don't know your actual relationship status, or what you do in the bedroom). So, those of us that enjoy things that are a bit out of the ordinary would appreciate if you'd just shut the hell up and leave us to our devices.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That all being said (sorry, that last post really irked me, and I really felt the need to respond), sometimes I come across threads that really make me sad for humanity... or at least the PoF community.

Would I open my relationship to save it? Well, I've never been in the position, but most likely not, as I'm very possessive over the girl that I happen to be in a relationship with. However, I've known people that had that sort of relationship, and it worked for them. And I'll second one of the voices from earlier, that real swingers are probably the most honest, caring, and careful people I've ever met.

If you can't see yourself doing what this older couple from the OP did, that's fine. But please, please, remember that everybody has their own set of morals. Just because something doesn't work for you doesn't mean that somebody else should be held to the same standard you hold yourself to.
 CompletelyDone
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 110
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:40:49 AM
To me, erotica involving other people and intimacy are polar opposites. To have something that is to me, a most beautiful and sacred gift to a loving couple, turned into nothing more important than a "toy" that involves using other people and having no emotion whatsoever, is just a crying shame.

How to scar your marriage forever... without really trying...

Not for this kid!
 Sweeet_Melissa
Joined: 8/20/2008
Msg: 111
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:42:49 AM
After seeing the response this OP received I contacted the couple and asked their thoughts.
They said they were happy, in Love, and still in the open marriage. They said they had discussed the issue to death with other friends but they would tolerate another question or two.

I asked what their response to my OP would have been 27 years ago (when they married) and 9 years ago (5 years before the new arrangement)
They both said they would have answered "NO WAY" to the idea of an open marriage 27 years ago
As for 9 years ago, the lady still would have said "no way" but the husband would have said "probably not, but it sounds interesting."
I was on the phone so I could not see the look the lady might have given the guy after his "probably not" response.
I wonder how I will think after decades of marriage.

p.s. To BigDaddyJinx (who quoted parts of my post #93) and then said in post #115


Melissa, please don't attempt to adjust my words to suit your own context, k? Thx.
Not once did I say it makes you a freak. Having the fetish doesn't make you a freak either.

A Misunderstanding.
I did not adjust your words and I did not say that YOU said "it makes you a freak." Look at my post again. I quoted you specifically in two places and answered those quotes. The statement of mine that you quoted was not addressed specifically to you, that is why I did not quote you. My statement "Why does having a Domination fetish make you a freak." was a general question to the forum based on the comments from the forum that seemed to lean that way.
I did not mean to imply those were your words and I probably should have made that more clear or made two separate post, one to you specially, and one to the crowd.
 I-Want-Off-of-POF
Joined: 8/8/2008
Msg: 112
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 3:31:53 AM
Once the bonds of fidelity are broken then there is no marriage to save. I consider myself an open person but sharing yourself with others is something I just can't tolerate.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 113
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:32:50 AM
I was at askisadora.com for a long time, its loaded w/ open marriages...and about 75%, opening up was the last thing done before divorce. 20% tried it, then closed back up again at the insistance of the partner who was dragged into opening it. The remainder did well...tho some weren't really open, it was "don't ask, don't tell" (from the spouse sick of being bothered for sex) and others were of the "if it feels good, do it" shared belief.

What keeps you from making it with the one you love, ends up sabatoging your other relationships, too. Not to say an open marriage can't be done, but I suspect the partners have more of a platonic love than an erotic one--b/c in cases of the latter, jealousy sure raises its head, esp. if the wife gets more guys than the husband ever gets women :)

Divorce is expensive, but it shows a willingness on someone's part to take the bull by the horns, and solve problems. A good quality for relationships :)
 buytheC
Joined: 10/15/2007
Msg: 114
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:37:52 AM
Absolutely NO ! Safe sex is called marriage. Take 4 different and decide how many you would have slept with.
 Itsa Jelly
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 115
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:59:18 AM
You know who I think are freaks? People who ride motorcycles. Why risk life and limb on a two-wheeled death-mobile when you have a perfectly good form of transportation on a safe set of 4 wheels encased in an often-airbag padded cocoon? How will your family and friends feel when you hit that bridge abutment just the wrong way and cause all kinds of harm to yourself and consequently everyone around you? You can handle it? Oh please, that’s what they all say until they’re plastered to the grill of some semi. And who wants road grit and bugs in their hair anyway? Freaks, I tell ya – every one of them.

Yes, that’s sarcasm. But an apt parallel to a couple’s evolution of sexual exploration, IMHO. Anyone who seals themselves into a sexual cocoon and admonishes anyone else who deviates from your norm is just barking at the unknown. Honestly, to cast stones at people who have chosen to incorporate another consenting adult into their sexual lives isn’t any different from anything else beyond lights out missionary-style sex.

“Darling, I think Judith down the lane got something from Victoria Secret’s the other day – break out the pitchfork.”

“Dear, I think Charles and Ida up the road had sex in his pool last night! Light the torch…”

“I think those two men who moved into the house on the corner are gay! Get a rope…”

“Honey! We’re having a burning tomorrow morning at the local library! I’ll bring my Harlequins if you get your Playboys!”

Vehement reactions to sexual choices consenting adults make are simply a form of self-preservation. If someone is doing something you wouldn’t do, it’s challenging your norms and your comfort zone. It’s easier to disapprove and hope they come to your side than it is to try to understand or tolerate, let alone accept or try. Because more certain that anything else is that your history, morals and resulting lifestyle is the only right way.

A friend of mine, upon hearing that her husband wanted to buy a crotch rocket (that’s a sport motor bike for those unaware), informed him that she’d serve him divorce papers before he made it out of the driveway. Is she denying the happiness of her spouse or protecting the safety of her marital situation?
 whitefether
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 116
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 7:03:37 AM
No, I would not open my marriage to save it. In the long run, opening your marriage invariably hurts it


Sherry
 TakeMeTheWayIAm
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 117
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:24:15 AM

itsa_jelly: "Yes, that’s sarcasm. But an apt parallel to a couple’s evolution of sexual exploration, IMHO. Anyone who seals themselves into a sexual cocoon and admonishes anyone else who deviates from your norm is just barking at the unknown. Honestly, to cast stones at people who have chosen to incorporate another consenting adult into their sexual lives isn’t any different from anything else beyond lights out missionary-style sex."


You rock. You should have lots of babies and attempt to single-handedly outnumber the people on this planet who haven't apparently evolved since the time of the Pharoahs...
 Itsa Jelly
Joined: 8/5/2008
Msg: 118
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:58:20 AM
I deliberately used the word evolve to ruffle feathers. Evolve means change – not necessarily betterment.

Frogs evolved to be able to breath through their skin. Now with warming temps, they face extinction because of fungal growth that literally suffocates them.

You’re jumping on a word and not understanding the premise.
 ~Kyn~
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 119
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 10:10:16 AM
If the marriage ain't working, there's a reason for it. Introducing a 3rd party (parties) to the mix ain't a solution, it's evasion. Akin to burying your head in the sand.

Would *I* open the marriage? Not a freakin' chance. No way. If the marriage wasn't working, I'd try to find the reason why and work on that. If it was something that couldn't be resolved, then divorce here we come.

I can see why they lost some friends over their choice. But it is, afterall, their choice. Who are we to judge?

Amen...except on one little point here...Im happy to judge. Dont much care what anyone thinks about that either.

Yes, that’s sarcasm. But an apt parallel to a couple’s evolution of sexual exploration, IMHO. Anyone who seals themselves into a sexual cocoon and admonishes anyone else who deviates from your norm is just barking at the unknown. Honestly, to cast stones at people who have chosen to incorporate another consenting adult into their sexual lives isn’t any different from anything else beyond lights out missionary-style sex.

...whatever...missionary style...sheesh...

Vehement reactions to sexual choices consenting adults make are simply a form of self-preservation. If someone is doing something you wouldn’t do, it’s challenging your norms and your comfort zone. It’s easier to disapprove and hope they come to your side than it is to try to understand or tolerate, let alone accept or try. Because more certain that anything else is that your history, morals and resulting lifestyle is the only right way.

...we arent supposed to be functioning like primates any more and I dont have to tolerate it.
Part of the thing about being human is our capability is to be monogamous.
If people wanna liken themselves to Homo habilis...they're welcome to breed within their own species but Im not gonna listen to some dumbass argument for it even if its just for the sake of the debate of it.

Apparently the man is very kinky and is allowed to visit a Dominatrix twice a month. The women still has feelings for an old boyfriend and she is allowed to see (and sleep with) him twice a month.

I wonder exactly...did the husband bring it up or the wife?
Not that it actually matters...chances are if he brought it up...she's always said No till she found someone she wants to sleep with ie. someone she has feelings for.
And what exactly do you think the outcome of that will be then? Start packing hubby cos the minute he spots he's losing her...and tries to put a rein on it...he's history.

If it was her...then again...chances are she wants the other guy and has set up a situation to placate the husband to get what she ultimately wants.
That'd make the husband pretty damned dumb for not spotting it if that were the case and he may as well start packing again.
Although we have already established the intelligence factor here. So ...meh...
about 75%, opening up was the last thing done before divorce. 20% tried it, then closed back up again at the insistance of the partner who was dragged into opening it. The remainder did well...tho some weren't really open, it was "don't ask, don't tell" (from the spouse sick of being bothered for sex) and others were of the "if it feels good, do it" shared belief.

It doesnt work. And for the minute percentage it does work for...I dont want anything to do with them. Im evolved...so I can make that choice whether someone else likes it or not in the exact same way they can choose not to do it.

Next we'll be listening to bullshit arguments why paedophilia is ok and its within our genetic makeup or they're somehow more evolved. Why do people tolerate this crap at all?
Its cos they're too afraid to not be politically correct and come out and just say I DO have a judgement on it and here it is...
I dont agree with it and I will not accept it.
What ya gonna do about that? Call me narrowminded...call me names? ...pffft...so what
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 120
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 10:59:27 AM

Hey, nobody is asking you to get involved. All you need to do is keep your mouth shut and let people do what makes them happy. You don't "need" your girl to suck your d*ck either, but nobody calls you a pig/freak for urging her to do it (this is all rhetoric, as don't know your actual relationship status, or what you do in the bedroom). So, those of us that enjoy things that are a bit out of the ordinary would appreciate if you'd just shut the hell up and leave us to our devices.


Keep my mouth shut eh? Amusing.

So once again, Greyfeld beats his chest and proudly exclaims that no one else's opinion matters but his own. Good for you.

My apologies, I thought the forums were just the place to express opinions from everyone, not just you...next time I'll consult Greyfeld and ask permission to post my opinion, 'cause it's different than his.

 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 121
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 11:16:58 AM
Msg. #60: “Dominatrix? Ex boyfriend? What's this marriage based on? Sex? It sure as hell is not based on love.”

Msg. #78: What's this marriage based on? Sex? It sure as hell is not based on love.
Well, Julietjuliet, I have totally opposite opinion - this marriage based on anything but sex. When marriage based on sex, it means you like the same things in sex, you want your partner all the time any time, but it's too hard to solve other issues...but sex is never an issue.”


Well SunnyBunny, I have the totally opposite opinion. This relationship IS in fact pretty much based on sex. This is how OP described it: “they said it saved their tired old marriage and made them both very happy.” In other words, it was 'on the rocks', 'in the tank', 'headed for the crapper', UNTIL, they agreed to put a charge in their sex lives (except not with each other). And because of the so called rejuvenated sex life, now they claim everything is hunky dory. So if it were so bad before the outsiders were brought in and so good after, then it is indeed based on the sex. It has lasted 4 years. It won't last long at all if/when something happens to their arrangement because the arrangement had little or nothing to do with how their relationship got to the point it did in the first place. Again, that's JMO.




~ds~
 whitefether
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 122
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:35:35 PM

itsa_jelly: "Yes, that’s sarcasm. But an apt parallel to a couple’s evolution of sexual exploration, IMHO. Anyone who seals themselves into a sexual cocoon and admonishes anyone else who deviates from your norm is just barking at the unknown. Honestly, to cast stones at people who have chosen to incorporate another consenting adult into their sexual lives isn’t any different from anything else beyond lights out missionary-style sex."


Surely you are not intimating that 'open marraige' is some kind of invention of the 21st century? This is been tried over and over through the centuries, and through the cultures, and you know why it never sticks? Because it doesn't work!!


Sherry
 TakeMeTheWayIAm
Joined: 7/19/2008
Msg: 123
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:37:25 PM

grapevine: "Why do people ASSume that couples who choose to remain faithful to each other are bound by "lights out, missionary-style sex?" What makes you think that two people who are committed to each other cannot POSSIBLY have a very fullfilling, very exciting, very hot, passionate, sexual relationship? What makes you think having respect for your partner equates to being "unevolved?" So fuc king around with other people means you've somehow "arrived?" Oh, that's rich. Thanks for the laugh."

If I had my wish I'd marry a wonderful bi girl with a great sense of enjoying sex and not worry too much about the strict monogamy concept from traditional marriage. I'd want to be her best friend and share a deep sense of trust with her.

And if she wanted to have sex with another girl or guy we'd talk about it and she'd be free to do that (with or without me, using a condom of course) and she'd come back and tell me how great it was and then we'd fuck like rabbits. And I'll bet my marriage will outlive anybody's marriage here who has a strict monogamous mindset. Because our marriage will be based on trust/friendship, not on owning our partner's ability to have sex.
 davidsauvignon
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 124
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Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:55:59 PM
^^^ "And I'll bet my marriage will outlive anybody's marriage here who has a strict monogamous mindset."

I'll take that bet.




~ds~
 Javan2
Joined: 7/9/2005
Msg: 125
Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 1:03:30 PM
No, I wouldn't. Why be married? Just be friends with Benefits.
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