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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 1:54:32 PM | Well SunnyBunny, I have the totally opposite opinion.
This relationship IS in fact pretty much based on sex. This is how OP described it: “they said it saved their tired old marriage and made them both very happy.” In other words, it was 'on the rocks', 'in the tank', 'headed for the crapper', UNTIL, they agreed to put a charge in their sex lives (except not with each other). Well, DS, I see my answer in yours...lol...people have MARRIAGE based on love because they chose sex with someone else.
If my marriage is based on sex, I want exactly this person to have sex with, not others. Good thing, if I love him, too...lol
The marriage was going south because they didn't have any sex, nothing physically satisfying. They decide to arrange it on the side - now the marriage is still working, kids are happy, they are happy with each other.
Once they'd decide to divorce in the order to have sex AND LOVE with someone else - it would be totally different ball game, wouldn't it? Now they still have their love&family together, but sex on the side.
I think people are trying to choose black or white because they think it might never happen to them. I am just playing the scenario what if it would? Exactly like that? 30+ years of marriage?
As far as I know myself, mostlikely I'd divorce. Because I am a posessor, I need to have my cake and eat it too, and I repeat, I never spent 30 years with anybody....BUT I do understand why it works for others. And once it does -- good for them
Somehow, I don't think that if this arrangement fails, the marriage will end. They already know that they were blessed with very understanding partner in life, and I don't think this is less important than a good sex. At any age actually They will invent something new to keep the life fresh and interesting, and it won't affect their marriage.....if they love each other | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 2:09:22 PM | If it seemed like opening the marriage would address whatever issue needed addressing, sure, but I also don't think opening up is generally a healthy thing unless the primary relationship is already strong; otherwise you risk simply adding more people to a mess.
I don't think everyone could or should be able to handle opening a monogamous marriage, but I woudl certainly be willing to discuss it with my partner. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 3:07:31 PM | Despite trying to read all these different viewpoints with an open mind, I still don't get the rationale behind this concept, never will and never would want to. It goes against everything marriage should stand for and I still believe in that.
The only thing I'd wish to discuss with my partner if he brought it up, is why now, and for what reason? What's really wrong, even when the primary relationship is strong?
...and that would likely be just for a matter of personal closure...
HnH  | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 4:34:30 PM | Keep my mouth shut eh? Amusing.
So once again, Greyfeld beats his chest and proudly exclaims that no one else's opinion matters but his own. Good for you.
My apologies, I thought the forums were just the place to express opinions from everyone, not just you...next time I'll consult Greyfeld and ask permission to post my opinion, 'cause it's different than his.
Opinions based on bias and lack of information are invalid. So, if you don't want to take the time to get to know the truth, then yes, your opinion doesn't matter.
Next we'll be listening to bullshit arguments why paedophilia is ok and its within our genetic makeup or they're somehow more evolved. Why do people tolerate this crap at all?
So let me get this straight... two people who are married to each other decide that they want to expand their sexual horizons by including other people in their sex lives. They are both happy with the decision. And this is the same as people who want to fuck little children?
Wow, somebody really needs to take a class on cognitive thinking and logical debate.
I dont agree with it and I will not accept it.
What ya gonna do about that? Call me narrowminded...call me names? ...pffft...so what
Lucky for the rest of us, you've just waved a huge flag in our face, letting us know not to even bother talking to you, much less trying to be your friend. I'm glad you don't care what other people think. Though if you truly didn't care what everybody thought, you wouldn't be so aggressive in pointing it out, because those who truly don't care don't feel the need to tell anybody because.... well, they just don't care.
Funny how a person's real feelings are the exact opposite of what they say. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:15:36 PM | ^^^ "Opinions based on bias and lack of information are invalid." (Greyfeld, you should add "to me" at the end of this statement)....... "So, if you don't want to take the time to get to know the truth (add "according to me" here)"......"then yes, your opinion doesn't matter (again, add "to me" here)"......"Lucky for the rest of us" (you should change "us" to "me" here).
For this is YOUR opinion....and you are speaking for yourself.
~ds~ | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:00:36 PM |
Hmmm ... different courses for different horses.
Sometimes its still the horse [aka health,principles,happiness,character]and
not a new saddle...
And hoping that special stead, who walks in the same step, will bring you home.  | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:28:01 PM | This is insane.
These people are staying together because it's cheaper than getting a divorce at this age, they're used to a comfortable material lifestyle and they've clearly fallen out of love for each other (if they were ever in love).
They could be described as swingers I guess, but if each is doing their own thing completely seperately without involving the other, that's a pretty big disconnect for a very important part of the relationship.
Of course, if the guy is into being dominated by a woman (which doesn't necessarily mean sex, by the way) maybe he's into the whole cuckold thing, so the wife having a boyfriend makes sense...does the boyfriend come over and make the husband stand in the corner naked with a collar around his neck while he takes the wife? LOL.
If the sex is not working between them, for whatever reason, I don't agree with what they're doing. The husband could be a closet h*m* too, you never know. Personally I've never understood the whole male submissive thing...too much of an Alpha personality...
Twice a month is a LOT of "authorized cheating".
That's like two weekends a month being spent with another person.
If this woman is still pre-menopausal, this husband is getting her only one weekend a month, while this "boyfriend" has her twice as much. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:32:23 PM | | yes ,if both got same condition ,because if a husband like some one and wife love only husband then he cheated with his wife .because he want to fullfill his own desiers so he take a claver way to do it .so if both got the way to do it then its ok .otherwise if u give otherone a chance it will distroy your marriage life. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:38:50 PM | Well my ex tried that on his own...
Didn't save ours
 you made pop squirt out my nose.
Would you open you marriage to save it?
I think the purpose of the marriage would be a forgone conclusion as far as multiple people would be involved.
I think they are both very self centered and stingy. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:47:13 PM | Would I open a marriage to save it?
First of all a marriage is a commitment between two people. How would inviting others into that commitment make the marriage work if it isn't working with just the couple as a unit.
Sounds to me that your friends are comfortable being married to each other but the spark is gone, and instead of working to get the spark back they have looked elsewhere, while still maintaining the comfortable situation they are in. They don't have to sell the house or get a lawyer for a divorce. They are like roomates!
I would work on my marriage at all costs because divorce is not an option for me and I wouldn't lose my dignity by having extra marital affairs! | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 6:59:56 PM |
^^^ "Opinions based on bias and lack of information are invalid." (Greyfeld, you should add "to me" at the end of this statement)....... "So, if you don't want to take the time to get to know the truth (add "according to me" here)"......"then yes, your opinion doesn't matter (again, add "to me" here)"......"Lucky for the rest of us" (you should change "us" to "me" here).
For this is YOUR opinion....and you are speaking for yourself.
Couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for saving me the typing.
Cheers ds  | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 7:22:42 PM |
: This is insane.
These people are staying together because it's cheaper than getting a divorce at this age, they're used to a comfortable material lifestyle and they've clearly fallen out of love for each other (if they were ever in love).
You can't know that. The decision to open their marriage in this manner could have come from a lot of factors. You can speculate, but they might be very much in love.
They could be described as swingers I guess, but if each is doing their own thing completely seperately without involving the other, that's a pretty big disconnect for a very important part of the relationship.
Not all swingers swing as a couple; there's variation. It doesn't sound from what the OP said like they're interested in swinging, only in the very specific situations they've set up for themselves/each other here. This isn't a disconnect for everyone.
Of course, if the guy is into being dominated by a woman (which doesn't necessarily mean sex, by the way) maybe he's into the whole cuckold thing, so the wife having a boyfriend makes sense...does the boyfriend come over and make the husband stand in the corner naked with a collar around his neck while he takes the wife? LOL.
I'm going to leave this bit alone, but that's quite the imagination you've got.
If the sex is not working between them, for whatever reason, I don't agree with what they're doing. The husband could be a closet h*m* too, you never know. Personally I've never understood the whole male submissive thing...too much of an Alpha personality...
You don't have to agree with what they're doing. They can do whatever they feel works for them, and you're free to find your own way. Speculating on closet homosexuality seems a bit out of left field, though.
Twice a month is a LOT of "authorized cheating".
"Authorized cheating" is a bit of an oxymoron, no? Cheating is breaking the rules, by definition. If the rules this couple has agreed to for their relationship involve twice a month seeing other people, that's not cheating, by definition.
That's like two weekends a month being spent with another person.
Or two nights a month. Or two afternoons. We have no idea what time span they spend with their other involvements; it could be just a few hours for all we know.
If this woman is still pre-menopausal, this husband is getting her only one weekend a month, while this "boyfriend" has her twice as much.
You're assuming that 1) their extracurricular schedule, as it were, is specifically arranged aroung her menstrual cycle, 2) the primary married couple has sex only on the weekends, 3) they don't have sex while she has her period, and 4) again, that they're spending entire weekends with their other interests, and not seeing each other at all during that time. That's an awful lot of baseless assumptions here.
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Marriages generally survive on their own merit, because people are honest, communicative, able to stick to the agreements they negotiate together, etc. Sexual fidelity may or may not have anything to do with that. But relationships generally sink or swim due to these qualities regardless of the structure those relationships take. How people handle them once their in them, and stick to whatever sort of agreements they make, is usually far more important. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 7:30:38 PM |
Surely you are not intimating that 'open marraige' is some kind of invention of the 21st century? This is been tried over and over through the centuries, and through the cultures, and you know why it never sticks? Because it doesn't work!!
My point is, live and let live. Whether it works or not it's a learning experience. If they were destined to divorce, they'll do it whether they take this road or another. My parents let us make our own mistakes and learn from them, as long as we weren't in life-threatening danger. I'm always disappointed when I watch people try to beat down the ideals of others because "it doesn't work" that way. You call someone stupid enough and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm much more appreciative of the 'I' remarks - "I couldn't do that, but to each their own."
And for the other reply, I'll restate here that I clearly defined 'consenting adults' in my post. I'd appreciate it if you didn't denigrate the value of my opinion by throwing true abominations of nature like child molesters inappropriately into the mix. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 140 | |
| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 7:36:53 PM | So let me get this straight... two people who are married to each other decide that they want to expand their sexual horizons by including other people in their sex lives. They are both happy with the decision. And this is the same as people who want to **** little children?
Wow, somebody really needs to take a class on cognitive thinking and logical debate.
OMG...what a load of rubbish...go back and read the entire post.
And dont misquote or misrepresent my stance just so you can point a finger at it either.
These people need to have some fricken boundaries and self control in the exact same way as anyone else who cant behave like decent human beings.
You think that if someone cant control themselves when it comes to their interactions with each other that they dont have boundary issues with other shit? Gimme a break.
Cognitive thinking indeed.
Re-read this particular portion too so it doesnt escape that vast conceptual ability...
I wonder exactly...did the husband bring it up or the wife?
Not that it actually matters...chances are if he brought it up...she's always said No till she found someone she wants to sleep with ie. someone she has feelings for.
And what exactly do you think the outcome of that will be then? Start packing hubby cos the minute he spots he's losing her...and tries to put a rein on it...he's history.
If it was her...then again...chances are she wants the other guy and has set up a situation to placate the husband to get what she ultimately wants.
That'd make the husband pretty damned dumb for not spotting it if that were the case and he may as well start packing again.
^^^ Hows that for cognitive thinking eh? or is that too far outside the box? too logical maybe?
What it does is make them stupid and primal cos I'll tell you something...the ability to speech and literacy and to be able to fcuk like dogs isnt representative of having higher superego.
Step up and say you've got the sexual mentality of a dog and refuse to control it...dont argue that there's some greater love, its "normal" brain function (Sharia Law disproves even THAT stupid theory cos people WONT have indiscriminate sex if they're gonna have a limb amputated or be stoned to death and I sure as hell havent heard of anyone dying from an unfulfilled sex life), theres meaning behind it or that other people "have a problem".
Its just insulting and it sure as hell is cause for doubt on people like that.
Let me throw this in from the above poster before I come back to anything else.
Marriages generally survive on their own merit, because people are honest, communicative, able to stick to the agreements they negotiate together, etc. Sexual fidelity may or may not have anything to do with that.
Go take a look at the failure statistics pointed by that particular poster in regards to these scenarios. They DONT work.
And go take a look at the statistics on divorces and look at the number one cause.
And that will TELL you what is important to people (fidelity)...cos if it wasnt...people WOULD accept it. But sur-fricken-prise... they dont.
Now back to the other...use that amazing cognitive ability you cause to throw doubt upon myself with...and do yourself a little googling.
USA has 1/4 of the WORLDS incarcerated persons and yet less than 5% of the worlds population
The number one foundation to those crimes are SEX and VIOLENCE related.
DONT make those things NORMAL
If you cant see cognitively that THAT is a HUGE problem and not to perpetuate or argue for unneccessary and indulgent behaviors at the base level of interpersonal relationships... teach children or other young adults that it is...and before it progresses past and then leads to more serious issues...then that my friend...can I call you that? since you did me...shows even deeper primal lack of intelligence than the OP itself and its any wonder the US is in such a mess.
Here's another example...not a US couple...but representative of overstepping boundaries.
You think people like Fred West one day woke up and said...hey Rose...lets rape and murder not only people we know...but our own children as well.
It begins small and gets out of control.
He liked watching her have sex with other men, then prostitution, then they were trawling sex sites, then they moved to rape and abduction, then incest... then murder.
If you dont overstep the bounds in the beginning then it wont happen.
That may be an extreme example but its progressive... the statistics prove it...and its as much an excuse as "I only use drugs recreationally"...until I actually become an addict and cant function normally and turn to theft or prostitution or other related crimes.
Lucky for the rest of us, you've just waved a huge flag in our face, letting us know not to even bother talking to you, much less trying to be your friend.
*waves that red flag proudly*
Well duh...thats the whole idea.
So I dont have to deal with people who enable, argue it or put up with it.
Opinions based on bias and lack of information are invalid. So, if you don't want to take the time to get to know the truth, then yes, your opinion doesn't matter.
The statistics nor the information simply does not support yours nor anyone's case for the scenario.
You can argue with yourself about it and draw all the inferences you like on mine or anyone elses opinion in an attempt to discredit whats been said and prove your own...even speculate with absolutely no proof that it somehow does and will work in the longrun...but the fact is...
...it doesnt...and for as nice as it is to debate the topic...to argue a case *for* it...no-one would make it past an opening address. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 7:52:34 PM | ^^^ "Cheers ds "
Tupshida, Jinx....hey, great minds think alike!
Back to the topic.....somehow this thread got derailed on the example the OP gave. Her question, was...."would YOU do it?" It doesn't matter a gnat's ass what 'they' did....would YOU do it? This is where you can put your money where your mouth is.
Edit to add: I didn't go back through the thread and count, but in terms of posters who responded that they would 'do it', well, nuff said....anyone can go back and count if they wish.
~ds~ | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 8:30:14 PM | To answer one question about their frequency I saw pop up. They do this for two evenings a month.
The husband pays for a two hour Domme session and the women visits her friend for 2 hours for sex.
I do see one future problem for them. I am thinking eventually the wife's "friend" will no longer be available due to him finding another relationship or whatever. What will the wife do then? Find another guy to sleep with or tell her husband the arrangement is no more? The husband is just satisfying a kink and does not need any particular Domme. I know for fact he has a favorite (yea, I know her) but he can get his kink on with any Domme. He can go on with his end of the deal forever, she can not.
I tried to ask the wife what happens when her friend is no more, but she evaded the question and it was not my place to push it.
Those of you who think the couple should not be doing this. Are you saying that they should get a divorce instead of being happy? I can understand why you would not want a marriage like this but to try and tell others they are wrong about THEIR relationship (when you do not even know them) sounds wrong. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:00:17 PM | ^^^Why doesn't the husband ask the wife to be the dom if he needs to get his freak off like that? And why does the wife feel a need to get horny outside the marriage? They are rationalizating their outside-the-marriage behaviors.
Where did the guy find his dom? Doms-R-Us? There's one in every shopping mall.  | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:13:46 PM | I tried to ask the wife what happens when her friend is no more, but she evaded the question and it was not my place to push it. [quote/] See my post about 3 or 4 pages ago about what if exBF guy got hit and killed by a bus. The reason I said it and the reason you're thinking about it now, is because them going outside the relationship to try to kickstart their marriage never addressed what was ACTUALLY wrong in their marriage to begin with. It never was about the SEX. Those of you who think the couple should not be doing this. Are you saying that they should get a divorce instead of being happy?[quote/]
That's pretty much exactly what we've been saying. But the thing is, they still aren't happy. They are thinking they're happy because of fulfillment they've achieved from others....not from from within the marriage and not from each other.
~ds~ | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:20:16 PM | bikeman
Why doesn't the husband ask the wife to be the dom if he needs to get his freak off like that?
It does not work that way. A person is Dominant or they are not. People can role play but it is not the same. This husband apparently wants the real thing, ie; A Dominant women with real Domination experience including knowing all the tricks that make men yell and having all the toys that turn men on.
It is also possible that the wife does not want to be kinky. Some women are not comfortable with Dominating a guy, especially if there is a lot of kinkiness involved.
bikeman
And why does the wife feel a need to get horny outside the marriage?
Do you pick your feelings? In my experience feelings are not chosen, they come and they go when they want. I do not say..."I want to find that guy sexy" No, I just do find a guy sexy or I do not. Feelings are not chosen, they just are. I am sure the wife in my OP did not wake up one day and say .."I will lust after my ex boyfriend"
bikeman
Where did the guy find his dom? Doms-R-Us? There's one in every shopping mall
We are all around you. The classifieds in the backs of weekly city papers and of course the internet and good ol' Google. Most of us have websites and are easy to find. As for one being in every shopping mall. Probably, we do like to shop. Try Victoria's Secret or the leather stores.
Dididsauvignon
But the thing is, they still aren't happy. They are thinking they are happy because of the fulfillment they have achieved from others...not from within the marriage and not from each other.
Incorrect. They ARE happy. Please do not speak about the level of happiness of people you do not know.
What if he took up motorcycle riding (which she hates) and she took up skydiving (which he is afraid of) and what if these extra hobbies made them happier in their marriage? Would you say the same things? I believe it is possible to make a relationship happier by fulfilling needs outside the relationship that your partner can not fill inside the relationship. Instead of them hating each other for denying them their needs, now they Love and trust each other more because their partner allowed them to fulfill their needs and to be happy. | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:32:24 PM | Sorry I really don't want to know more about this sadistic lifestyle. Seems counterproductive. I really don't want to understand why someone would either want to use someone else as a human toilet, or become a human toilet themselves. Or whatever the sadistic people do. Too freaky for me.  | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:36:18 PM | Okie,
regarding "Those of you that judge without knowing are idiots. Find out about it. Learn. Talk to people in the lifestyle before you judge. I have lived the lifestyle and love the openness and honesty. "
I just talked about someone who lives that livestyle and they eventually went against their own rules and she's now cheating on him because she fell in love with one of the guys she screwed around with and they sneak around behind her guys back....I think it COULD work for awhile, but if you think getting naked with other people will never result in a 'cheating bond' of the heart, than your the idiot. SEX is part of the male/female bonding experience, it's what changes the dynamic between friends and lovers....
....you can't boink your brains out with people other than your spouse without eventually falling for one of those people....it's the affair of the mind that causes the heart pain, not the physical act of of your S/O having sex.....yes, you can have that without ever touching another perosn, but that's why most people who find themselves attracted to someone other than their S/O make sure to set personal boundries so they don't end up naked with someone else, and setting off that bond and chain reaction they can't take back.....you may be putting the cart before the horse but the horse is going to catch up eventually... | |
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| Would you open you marriage to save it?
Posted: 8/27/2008 9:41:09 PM | I just wanted to point-out that participating in domination in the purest sense of the art is not cheating. If one were to follow the strict codes of conduct that most people in that community follow, sex is NEVER involved in the art of domination.
There are people who are glorified prostitutes who parade as doms. These people are *way* out of line with the accepted community standards and they cheapen what is for some an extremely serious practice.
I can give you a lot more stories and examples of why I'm disgusted with certain members of that community offline, as I don't think it's within the scope of this thread.
--K | |
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