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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:44:31 AM | People that have no compassion or caring are not "in control of their emotions". They have learned to take the whole gamut of human emotion and turn it into aggression and intolerance.
I think you misunderstood me. I have no problem with the expression of emotions - my own or someone else's and being supportive (Mommy & Daddy loved me). Without emotion, we're just empty shells, right? My point is that I don't understand the logic behind continuing to express (release, uncontrollably) emotions that knowingly get you into trouble or cause heart ache.
The post that I responded to and was subsequently asked to clarify, was one where the poster expressed that she WASN'T able to control her emotions - the very emotions that caused her the same problems over & over. IMO, the only common factor in the problems she keeps experiencing, is her inability to control her emotions. So, if she could control the emotions that she openly admits cause her repeated problems, then she wouldn't have these repeated problems. Does that make any sense?
Again, if hitting yourself in the head with a hammer hurts... DON'T do it again. If you DO do it again, don't expect everyone to be sympathetic and compassionate about it.
Just my opinion of course, but seems logical to me. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:48:19 AM | Its so basic,all men fear rejection on many levels,keeping it light is not what anyone wants,well maybe except for the studs and the men that can pull off multi relationships.
I have a friend on here that recently let herself be fooled,it broke her heart. I say go for the plain guys,we are loyal and open and ready.. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:54:47 AM | DW, while there certainly are probably some men and women who are as emotionally crippled as you describe...
There are many men , for whatever reason, are not able to "feel" anything of a sensitive or loving nature, much less express it. They often have no sense of compassion, and view themselves as "together" and "logical" to a fault. They consider the need for human companionship or love as a weakness.
zowie... I simply cannot believe there are "many men" who fit this description. Way, way too many and way, way too crippled. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 11:23:57 AM | Nav,
Okay, so this is how it is explained.You enter into an agreement with a man to keep it light and simple. You ask nothing, you say nothing, you don`t act any different. but inside of you, you are getting attached and starting to feel emotional about him. You aren`t out there flailing feelings around. You are very quiet about it. But it is getting to the point that seeing him and being with him on an unemotional level is becoming
uncomfortable and difficult for you. It is causing you pain.
So you have two choices. You either learn to compartmentalize, just accepting that your love is not returned, and deal with it and try not to hurt, or you leave. You aren`t
hitting yourself over and over with a hammer. You are changing things so you can cope. You are leaving because you cannot continue in the way that you agreed to.
Sometimes people can mold their emotions like sillyputty and sometimes thay can`t. That`s human. If you can, Kudo`s to you, but some people can`t. Again, I don`t feel that it is a weakness to fall in love with your lover, it happens. Maybe more to women, probably. But I think mayhbe the admirable thing to do is say "hey, I am starting to get attached to you, and I know that this is not what we agreed upon in the beginning so I think it is time for me to move on." What is so wrong with that? | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 11:47:30 AM |
So you have two choices. You either learn to compartmentalize, just accepting that your love is not returned, and deal with it and try not to hurt, or you leave.
I guess communicating with the other person... checking if he still feels the same as he did in the early stage, or maybe his feelings also changed... THAT's out of question???
*shakes head*
I just don't get it.
It's so very rare to meet a person one is compatible with... a person that one likes... let alone is falling in love with... and the response is: RUN AWAY.
Damn it. No wonder there are so many people on this board... Big Fish will not ever have to worry that he'll run out of customers...
you aren`t hitting yourself over and over with a hammer.
No, you are acting like a suicide bomber.
You are changing things so you can cope. You are leaving because you cannot continue in the way that you agreed to.
Things change... Life happens... Agreements adjust....
You are leaving because you are feeling overwhelmed and are too scared of being hurt. Too scared to even try to talk and see what another person thinks of it.
Again, I don`t feel that it is a weakness to fall in love with your lover, it happens.
It's not the weakness to fall in love. The weakness is to run away from it.
Maybe more to women, probably.
How's that so?
Men don't fall in love? 
But I think mayhbe the admirable thing to do is say "hey, I am starting to get attached to you, and I know that this is not what we agreed upon in the beginning so I think it is time for me to move on."
OP, you are now changing your story.
This is the first time that you mentioned conversing about it... and even if this conversation happened, it still does not affect the point I made.... Nothing was asked of/offered to that man but departure.
Besides THIS is what was in the original post:
all of a sudden the woman is fighting with feelings of attachment so the woman decides to leave the guy because that is not what you agreed to. Why is it that the guy often backslides at this point, wants to reevaluate the situation and doesn`t want you to leave, after he has stated from the beginning that he prefers for it not to get emotional
The woman is the one who made a decision for both of them.
Based on her fear... on her wish for self-preservation.... I think.
She is now hiding behind "we had an agreement" line... But, the fact is that the guy obviously wanted more.
Too bad she did not have guts to take it.
Personally, I would rather regret things I have done than the things I have not... missed chances.
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 12:02:11 PM | DWF, This is exactly why FWB or "light & simple" relationships RARELY work for very long. Many people refuse to control their emotions - yes, I said REFUSE, rather than "aren't able to". Unless they're swingers, I know only a VERY small percentage of women (and possibly men?) who can truly have physical relations with someone and not form at least some type of attachment - I'm talking about other than the younger, one night stand people, etc. I think you know what I mean.
Look, I've never really been in a relationship of convenience or FWB type - it's just not me (I get attached too easily!  ).
At the end of it all, let's just hope that you learned something from it and won't put yourself in that position again. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes - we all make 'em. That's how we learn. However, when the same mistakes keep happening, you have to try and figure out why - then do something about it.
I hope this all works out for you. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 12:54:54 PM | | ^^^^^^^^again, as I stated yesterday, these are not questions based on personal experiences I may be having at this present moment. I thought I discussed that yesterday. But apparently, you were not able to comprehend that. So I would really appreciate it if you would attempt to reply, if you wish to , in not such a personal and condescending tone. It does not speak well of you as an individual. Please don`t cause me to have to remind you again. | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 7:09:17 PM | OP: "Why would he care if you left or not if there aren`t any emotional ties on his side?"
If there weren't any emotional ties on his side, he wouldn't care if you left. Presumably, he can get a piece somewhere else.
~ds~ | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 8/30/2008 9:02:25 PM | Oh... wait. You actually believe that?
Emotions can't be 'controlled'.
Yes, I certainly DO and of course they can! IMO, that's an absurd proposition. People control their emotions ALL THE TIME. Anger is an emotion - are you telling me you can't control anger? Fear is an emotion and can most certainly be held in check. How about sadness - sadness is an emotion that can be overcome. Love is an emotion and is quite possibly the one that people refuse to control the most. I just don't believe that you can't control love or other emotions, especially when they keep getting you into trouble, over & over. The list goes on & on, but to say that emotions can't be controlled, just doesn't make sense.
Further, controlling your emotions doesn't mean ignoring or suppressing them. It means you recognize them and act on them when you deem it appropriate, not randomly and uncontrollably. IE: you control your emotions! | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:12:44 PM |
Why would he care if you left or not if there aren`t any emotional ties on his side?
People that have no compassion or caring are not "in control of their emotions". They have learned to take the whole gamut of human emotion and turn it into aggression and intolerance.
Well, since you have it all figured out, time to close this thread.  | |
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| backsliding on what he wants out of the relationship.
Posted: 9/6/2008 9:35:42 PM |
Yes, I certainly DO and of course they can! IMO, that's an absurd proposition. People control their emotions ALL THE TIME. Anger is an emotion - are you telling me you can't control anger? Fear is an emotion and can most certainly be held in check. How about sadness - sadness is an emotion that can be overcome. Love is an emotion and is quite possibly the one that people refuse to control the most. I just don't believe that you can't control love or other emotions, especially when they keep getting you into trouble, over & over. The list goes on & on, but to say that emotions can't be controlled, just doesn't make sense.
Ah. What you were talking about wasn't controlling emotions, it was controlling actions made in response to those emotions.
I meant that emotions can't be controlled, as in one can't just decide not to feel a certain way. Thinking that it is possible to control what one feels, rather than how one acts, is delusional. To address the examples... I can choose not to kill the person who angers me, but I can't just stop being angry. I could choose to do something which frightens me, but I couldn't not experience the associated fear. Sadness can... well, distractions tend to push it into the background, and sometimes time makes it fade, but I don't see it as something that really ever stops. Love just is... luckily it is rare, because it is also permanent... and one can't choose to love someone and not love someone else. Which is probably why love stinks. That said, there is no reason to assume that when one loves someone that there is any imperative action... it's possible to not react to the emotion, but not to not feel it.
That's what 'controlling emotions' means - choosing whether or not to experience them. Choosing how to react in response to an emotion is `controlling actions` which is different. | |
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