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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 8:06:18 PM | Some women are hugely invested in their market value and I get the
distinct impression, that a coffee date (or similar) is a threat to their
sense of value on the dating market! Good for them, but I SAY. . . NEXT! | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 8:10:22 PM | | If you don't like the coffee date in the literal sense of the meaning...put a different spin on it. If you need to have a meal in order for it to feel like a date, meet up for a Saturday morning breakfast. This is one of my favorite dates. Its laid back, I don't have to wear anything special...just jeans and a t-shirt, what ever I'd normally wear to run errands. I'll add a couple extra accessories, but nothing fancy. I think it gives everyone a chance to exhale and take the pressure off..and it has an end time. Hopefully I'm on a date with someone who is a responsible adult and needs to get things done, if I'm not we will never share any other meal together again anyway. And pay attention to how they take their coffee or tea...so the next time you are together in the AM you can impress them with how thoughtful you are that you remembered. The coffee date isn't always a coffee date, its more loose terminology for casual, less conventional than the even more lame dinner/movie date. | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 8:28:19 PM | MelloD and all you other women that think that you can actually tell that you're going to "like" the person from talking on the phone a few times - I sincerely wish you all the very best with sitting through a long dinner and drinks with the imagined guy of your dreams that you have just arranged to meet and eat with for the next 3 hours. Most of the time they are not at all what you expect..............why do you think both men and women "meet for coffee"? OMG you don't have to drink the damn stuff...........what is wrong with the majority here? It's so it's quick and you don't have to spend more time with someone that doesn't interest you.
I did the drinks thing, which someone seemed to think was a "much" better idea. Worse. Three drinks later he wanted to scurry off........did I know why? No. But I think the more I drank the more I talked about my ex. So he thought I was still hung up on him which I'm not but I was nervous and was ready to go and he was drinking away so I just started talking about anything I guess........... | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 8:40:36 PM | I agree. I think coffee is also less threatening. I feel like I know in the first 15 minutes whether or not I want to spend anymore time someone. It does not take a 45 minute dinner and with coffee you can spend as much or as little time together as you want. There are no expectations or requirements.
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 8:48:55 PM | To Momarks :
I can't believe how many ppl put words in my mouth, made assumptions about what i was saying, didn't read through the thread and reverted back to the same misconstrued processing of a simple question. My point was and if I say it again, If you spend a decent amount of time conversing with someone on the phone and or exchanging emails, IM's with someone you can have a good basic idea of who that person is, enough so that you can plan to do something with them beyond sitting in a stale coffee shop responding to a barage of questions to be sized up for the sake of "chemistry"
. Chemistry is more complex to me than something that can ne determined in 3 minutes in a coffee shop. It involves a lot of levels of communication and compatability, intellectual, spiritual, emotional... It's not just a physical thing.
Now.. Your placing this bet, and I'm tellin you may as well flush your money now.
There are some things that a person can not hide or fake or pretend, and with respectful conversations you can find out a lot about someone irregardless if they are 20 pounds heavier, or a little older than their picture. I like thought provoking conversation and stimulating energetic ideas and information. You can't pretend to be a post doctorate scientist and fake responses to questions about lets say the the resevoirs of fresh water and where they will pool into the envirornment geographically in 100 years from now. Not everyone is a bull shitter and I know I have enough intellect to sift out the cons from the gents. I'm not a sophmoric little school girl that has to have a man be a perfect 10 and get that gushy , crushy nonsense to know I maybe able to enjoy a mans company for more than 15 minutes.. BEFORE i ever step out of the house to go meet anybody.
What is the man going to do that is so grossly offensive that i would feel it necessary to get up and run away from him?? What? does he pick his nose and wipe it on the table cloth? does he smack the waitress in the ass? Does he stand in the middle of the street and moon people passing by... I mean only some kind of totally BIZARRO behaviour would give me the fight or flight instinctual response. So maybe he isn't Brad Pitt, but I already know I can talk to him and have enjoyed his "company" on the phone. What is the whole bag about instant 3 minute chemistry anyway, I don't even believe it exists.
and HA.. I still don't get it.
So.. I won't be writing any threads about regrets for not opting for choke and pukes and or whatever else the mindreaders and soothsayers here on the Forums want to predict. But keep betting eventually someone is going to have to call you a Loser. | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 8:54:31 PM | Let me ask this coffee drinkers, is it just the pics are wrong or person is uninteresting? How quick do you arrange these meets?
No, the guy in particular I've mentioned in this thread looked exactly like I expected. He said that I looked just like my pics too. Just once we were in person it seemed like the conversation died and there just was no spark at all. It could have been false personality push on his part though, when he we talked on the phone he was a lot more aggressive and dominant than he was in person and actually left me having to make decisions. We met within one week of serious talk, just days after an hour long conversation on the phone.
For those that have said they would prefer to do something more active that is great... but for many people conversation is an activity. Being able to sit in a quiet spot and just talk is important to me in what I'm looking for in a partner. If you're not planning on ever having moments like that in your own definition of a relationship then the coffee shop concept may not be ideal for you.
They think we want to get ready to meet for 15 min
I don't understand the big deal in this. I never go out of my way to get ready for a meet... I only make sure I look good that day. I have never been one to spend a lot of time primping and making myself looking different than I do every other day of my life. I want them to see what they're going to get for the rest of their lives if they choose to be with me and not a false image that only gets made up every so often. | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 8:57:48 PM | OP: "If I want to interupt my day to JUST have a cup of coffee I'm gonna call one of my girl friends and catch up on the local gossip or talk about shoes!! Coffee is not a date. .. not even if you throw a donut at me too.. Forget about it."
So here's my question, whose paying for the date? If you always let the guy pay, than many people find your insistance on a "full meal date" kinda selfish...
I don't usually hesitate for a "full date" if someone wants to do that, but I usually suggest 'coffee' so he knows I don't expect a lobster and three hours of his time....and I notice that your reason for wanting the full date isn't because you assume that no matter what you can both get along in a civil manner to get through dinner, but because it wastes your time...to me that sounds like you're not willing to put in the effort to actually date, you just want to put in the time for dinner and squeeze the date in while you're at it....
I for one will drive halfway for someone several miles out and meet a potentially great person for coffee, if the outcome may be that I find someone great to be in my life....in todays world the men still lean towards paying for the date (which is appreciated but not expected to me) and since you can meet many people online, it's not fair to insist the guy always have dinner or lunch with you....and I've found that it you don't try to put too much a burden on the other person's time or wallet, those coffee dates can span on for hours of great conversation and rolling over to dinner because we were getting along so well....the ones that didn't, no one was really put out in either way: it's about being repesctful that the other person has a life.....
Have fun shopping for shoes while a great guy get's blown off because he won't commit to several hours with someone he's never met before...I'll take his number....
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 9:17:48 PM | HELLO AMBERZAMBER??????? OMG.. again, I never said anything about being hungry or wanting a full meal. I NEVER SAID THAT , I never said hours and hours, I NEVER SAID THAT. I personally although NOBODY asked me.. would PREFER NOT TO GO TO DINNER...
OMG. I never said I wanted the guy to spend a fortune or i wouldn't pay my own way,, I never said I wouldn't pay for a date. If it is my invite, I pay. I'm not SELFISH.OMG.
It was just a question, what do you think of the "quickie coffee date" . You put words in my mouth and made assumptions about what i was actually saying . This was my first thread. I did not know you have to mince every single syllable ... that an otherwise innoccuous question would turn into ...... forget about it, I give up. | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 9:35:09 PM | OP: You ARE HOT and I'd gladly go shopping with you for
shoes anyday! Shoes are awesome!
You have no doubt had your trial by fire as far as the Forums go!
Believe me, it can (and does) get MUCH, MUCH worse | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 9:48:57 PM | Disclaimer: The preceeding post was a free self-promotional piece, brought to you by Plastic Sturgeon, who is solely responsible for its contents. OP, please write him ASAP - at your own risk, of course!   | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:02:40 PM | I hate the "coffee shop" as a first date too. It's become so cliche. I see so many, obviously, Internet MEET & GREETS at coffee shops... hilarious/boring/laughable (how many of us have observed "I-NET-coffee meets"?
So, OP... If the coffee shop bores you, how about taking the initiative and suggesting something else?
Perhaps meeting at a community park that has lots of facilities - ie. skating, tennis, track, walking paths etc., or a community event, or a good for US volunteer facility, or a library, or an outdoor cafe for people watching etc?
Just trying to give you cost-effective suggestions.
BTW, you should always offer to split the bill (unless he's unbelievabley rich -- then you should still offer to pay your share but realize you won't be in his status quo and he will eventually feel that.) | |
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| Who likes coffee for a first date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:09:05 PM | | You may be able to figure out if there is enough chemistry just by looking at pictures and chatting online, but that's not the way it is for most of us op. A first meet is not intended to be a date, it's intended to be a first meet where you can decide if this person is as they portrayed themselves to online and in pictures. | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:24:10 PM | | Coffee, tea, an ice-cream cone, browsing a book store, checking out the library... something with an opportunity to see if there is a connection but also gives both people a chance to bow out gracefully if they need to. | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:51:20 PM | | Coffe date for the first face-to-face is fine with me. After all those conversations about who pays for a dinner I'd like it to be as inexpensive as possible. I like to be invited for dinners, but I need to see that a man knows who he invites and likes me. | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 12:58:20 AM | I would rather be invited for a cup off coffee than a tumbler of gin to talk and get to know each other if we have something in common and good vibes... | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 3:20:01 AM | | It blows my mind how many of you can judge someone in "a few minutes". I like meeting for coffee or a drink. That seems pretty civilized. But it usually takes me about an hour before I know whether I'm interested in taking in further. A few minutes - I'm still settling into my seat and having a look at his face. Yep, I'm scanning like a laser beam looking for signs of life. If I see a spark in the eyes, that's always a good sign. I've never met anyone who didn't have it. Then comes the personality check - and that takes time. Most of them had lost both the spark and the personality by the end of an hour - 90 minutes. Maybe it was me. Who knows. | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 6:16:14 AM | This hit me like a ton of bricks! I've read about this but there seems
evidence of it here. It's about posturing and negotiation! It has been
said that in the VERY early stages of a relationship is when the ground
rules are laid. In life, job, career , relationship, etc, you don't get what
you deserve or what your worth, you most often get what you negotiate
for! And usually, once those initial values have been established, you
can't renegotiate! So it seems to me, that some of these women that are
simply refusing coffee dates for what I see are highly questionable reasons,
are simply establishing their standards! | |
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JimNeu
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Joined: 5/18/2008
Msg: 145 | |
| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 7:58:34 AM | Guilt as charged. I just put the coffee thing down because it is a simple, low pressure way to see if you get along in person. It sort of amazes me that I would be judged on something that, to me, seems so incredibly frivolous.
I gotta quote my favorite John Candy line here cause it popped into my head:
"You want to hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right: I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold, hard cynic like you. But I don't like to hurt people's feelings. You think what you want about me, I'm not changing. I...I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. Because I'm the real article. What you see is what you get."
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:45:02 AM | All the shallow people here in the room please raise your hands if you think you are worth a real first date with all the flowers and trimmings! Damn, if you folks think that a coffee date is so bad, then I'd hate to see what a real first date would be like. Nobody could please any of you because you are acting so shallow! I think as long as the person doesn't come across as fake or horrible as in his personality, or completely different from what they say in their profile, then hey, why are you so judgemental? Are any of you gonna look the same in 10 yrs? NO! People do change. And if that is so hard for some of you to accept then please don't bother to try and make yourselves out to be anything other than what you are, shallow! Even Morgan Fairchild had plastic surgery just so she could look like she has during the past twenty years!
Put it in your profiles,"I expect this and that and this and that, and if it is not done according to my standards, then you don't get the prize, which is me!" I mean, really be honest about who you are. If you're shallow, say so , then expect no replies. Maybe the silence will open your minds as well as your heads.
And all this because people expect more than coffee on a first meeting? Jesus! | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 8:55:35 AM | I don't know if I've got this right, though I think the OP and I are sympatico on the idea. First I may write 6 women, over a month, it maybe their, smile, some interests, a turn of phrase in their profile, who knows, they just appealed to me. Next we email to see if we want to communicate, them email in earnest, then phone. By this point I have a reasonable idea of if they are both what I seek and interesting.
If that is the case, I don't mind meeting for an hour or two. Since I am secure in who I am, and from convo's would know she is the same, if she wanted to leave after 20 minutes great, though I believe based on those interactions, getting to know a person I find interesting would not be a waste of time, even if it didn't go somewhere.
Finally, over the past year I have been in contact with roughly 45 women, either by them contacting me or vice versa. I have met 12 or so, or about 1 in 4, of which only 4 resulted in second dates. Though I enjoyed meeting each and everyone of them, I just didn't see it going someplace.
My point is how can you decide, if you thought enough of that person, to invest your time and energy communicating, that they are now only worth a 30 minute coffee? Why waste your time, if your process is that flawed, that they are not even remotely interesting to you? Of course there is the exemption of frauds(pics, liars, other reasons), though 90% of mine were as they seemed. Bob | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 9:06:22 AM | When was the last time you went bowling? How about shooting a game of pool?(outside of a bar!), What about miniature golf? Roller skating??
Are any of these necessarily expensive?? No.
Look, I have my reasons, like the next person.
The whole, "interviewing a stranger" thing is boring and totally uncomfortable, for both parties.
My way gives you both a chance to have fun, see how you two interact with each other on an active level, gives you a chance to see how a person acts in a real-life situation( gauge their temperament and attitude, etc.), and see if the other is capable of not being so serious (being able to cut loose in a healthy manner).
Also, activities like these are, necessarily, a "dressed-down" kind of thing. So, you get to see the person as they would normally be. A lot of times, the coffee or****ails thing happens after work. Some people dress for a business/professional environment. The dinner/movie date scenario, the person is usually all fancied up in their sunday-bests.
I wanna see you in "normal" mode because that is how we look on the majority, and how I might see you on a typical saturday afternoon of kicking it around the house.
Plus, my way allows the option of moving things onto the lunch/dinner thing in a natural sort of way, if the two really hit it off. It can go from short to extended, in a natural, comfortable, and typical fashion. THEN, the interview thing don't seem so.......interview-y!
Just my preference, and you don't have to like it. But you have to admit, it seems kinda nice! | |
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| Who likes coffee for a frist date??
Posted: 8/29/2008 9:21:47 AM |
How about shooting a game of pool?(outside of a bar!)
That could be fun, but most bars have the pool tables inside. Otherwise they'd block the sidewalk. | |
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