| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:03:58 PM | Spot on Smiliegirl...I wasn't saying it's ok for girls as long as the guys do it. I was just curious the different perspectives...
piano4te...not a clue what you're on about.
Someone said something about red flags being raised if you can't meet right off---if you live 300 miles away and happen to meet online at a point that it's just not possible to meet then you can't change it, even if you'd dearly like to. Not every delay is something worthy of a red flag...if you bring up the career and time issue--I have no issue with it because if it's something that can turn into a relationship I have a career that can go anywhere. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:25:09 PM | | Aries it's not about having low expectations, it's about being realistic. It's about accepting people for who they actually are, not who you want them to be (or have dreamed them up to be). Putting aside preconceived notions is not easy but it's better than being disappointed. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:41:58 PM | And being realistic is a basic part of common sense. Everyone knows it. It's not a new concept. It's taught since elementary school. Our parents made sure we knew it. So it always seems really funny to me when someone says, you should be realistic about this... No kidding? So, puppies aren't going to fall from the sky the next time it rains?
I think we get stuck here because online dating has created a unique way to confuse ourselves even more than we are already confused. Just like someone can make up a fantasy personality for an actor from a part they played in a movie. The same thing happens with the first few contacts and the question is about maintaining a sense of reality especially when there is a protracted time prior to any ability to physically meet. You have no preconceived notions to put aside because you think you are based in reality already. After a month your idea of having no preconceived notions is now a preconceived notion and where do you go from there?
Just getting that first phyisical meeting out of the way puts so much more reality back into the mix.
I think I would blow up like a balloon and pop if I tried to hold off on meeting someone I thought I would be interested in for a month or more. Actually, I think I'm going to blow up like a balloon and pop if I don't meet someone soon  | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:43:43 PM | To the OP, I will try to be honest here, at first I would invest myself in email convo's. Then due to the casper effect (disappearances) I stopped. Then you have to accept differing preferences, on length of time (emails,IM's,phone calls) that each may want before a meet. Finally, you have to accept as a given, some will not be as they seem, pictures, profiles, etc.
Now I look at each as a chance encounter, they are for want of a better word internet vapors, they are not real until a meet takes place. You cannot help attaching a little or as others said fantasizing who they may become in your life. Though true attachment is not possible.
The candy store effect makes that unreasonable. It seems like half are looking to trade up before a meeting. If you are writing one woman for 3 weeks, and in the second week another woman writes you, who also has attributes and interests you admire, you may correspond a little. The problem comes when woman number one wants 34 emails, 12 IM's and 16 phone calls over 3 to 4 weeks and woman #2 wants 3 emails, 3 phone calls over 3 days then meet that same week.
No one, or at least I don't wish to play anyone. I want to meet the woman that's right for me, yesterday and get off this game of musical chairs. So the faster you meet and see if there's chemistry, the better. Sorry if this is long, but I hope it puts it in perspective for you. Bob | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 2:55:59 PM | | I can only explain speak for myself but a lot would have to do with how many women I had in my life dating wise. I believe men build closeness more though events rather then communication. But with that said, when I was shy I would meet a girl and start talking and feel a really strong bond just by talking a couple of times. Had a couple of bad dates with and some great ones online. I think a lot of people hide online to get dates. If I sit down and write an email I can take an hour to come up with something interesting to say. I can sit for an hour and think about what I can say. So through time I don't put much stock in online dating. I would say its like 1% of my dating pool. Its not like I shut of my emotions but maybe just experience and not having such high exspecatations for anyone online. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:09:41 PM | | People are not realistic about online dating. If that were true there would be more couples and less "casper" effect post meeting. Common sense just ain't so common any more. | |
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Larwis
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Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 32 | |
| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:21:01 PM | | I find everyone is different when it comes to online dating. For myself, I find it exciting to see that someone is interested enough in me to continue communicating until time allows us to meet. After a couple of weeks or so I begin to feel connected. Also, my fantacy begins to click in and I imagine love, and all sorts of different things we can do together. I think the feeling is an imitation of love at this point, until we meet in person. Once we meet ......well....who knows? | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:36:52 PM |
People are not realistic about online dating.
Why would you think that? Maybe one day I will get to test my theory :-) Ok, actually I have had 2 long term relationships from online dating. What people put in their profile is generally not realistic. Once you actually make the date reality kicks in clear enough. People are not their profiles and it is easier to be judgmental about things that you would never have known while picking someone up off the street corner... I mean liquor store... I mean church...
The casper effect is something that happened because you just went on a date with someone that may not have talked to you in person at a party.
Common sense :-) I'm common but I have no sense. Oh and I went to a party last week and there was a really cute single mom. She wouldn't acknowledge my existence and when I said hello she walked away with only a grunt of a hello back. Ok, I may have had a little drool but I swear it was under control! At least I won't spend the next three weeks thinking there could be a possibility :)
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:47:10 PM | | Line up the next one?? I can't even line up the first one. But seriously, fate seems to mess with me when it comes to dates so far in advance. Whether it's the classic cold feet(foot?), or the timing is right because of work. Personally if it's comfortable between I and the potential next Miss Bedlog, well the sooner the better. plus my memory and vision, well I still freak out if can't find my remote and now each chair leg has bubblewrap around it......If it helps I wash me dishes every night, wash me hands after using the loo and always brush me fangs-after breakfast and dinner. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 10:51:09 PM | I think the first few times you cycle through the excitement build-up then the crash once you meet you, get much more realistic about online. My sweetie and I spoke for about a month, which is a bit longer than I would normally, and had developed a very open friendship in that time. We had such a strong connection I felt compelled to meet him, no question about that.
By the time we met we were both doing some serious clubbing to beat back the interest and excitement we had for each other. We'd both been around the block on the on-line meeting thing, so it was easy to acknowledge nothing is real until you meet and agree we'd just have a fun night if the attraction wasn't there. We had an attachment... carefully contained as friendship. It was obvious to both of us we'd come out of it friends at the very least, and equally obvious we both hoped it could be more, but as I hadn't even seen a pic of him...
It really wasn't much of a stretch to accept that the most likely to scenario was no attraction or attraction for one but not the other. After all... it isn't at all realistic to hope for mutual attraction, is it?! | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/28/2008 11:00:13 PM |
do you get as emotionally attached if there's a length of time before meeting?
Well, personally speaking, I do get a bit emotionally... invested when chatting with a woman online. There's excitment, anticipation, nervousness, hope, and just a twinge of doubt. There's also a lot of poeople with ill intentions or dishonest words floating around cyberspace, so one must do their best not to become attached, but it'd be a little foolish not to be a bit invested emotionally if you're honestly trying to find that special someone. | |
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| Male perspective wanted....
Posted: 8/29/2008 4:50:05 AM | Yeah, OK,
If merely meeting a mate for LTR is your goal, that's one thing. If, however you meet people on forums and make friends, I don't see how you can discount someone's value to merely an SO, or nothing. I've met fine people on this site, and when I'm in their neck of the woods, I hope they'll meet me for coffee, just to say "Hi" face to face, and to strengthen our online forums friendship.
Personally, I would hate to discard friendly acquaintances only because I had met them once. | |
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