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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 4:17:01 PM | | Bazooka Joe, but you're not a woman, and surprise surprise some of us poor defenceless women have to go blind into strange people's homes in difficult circumstances for work. I did not say a first date, the OP has had relationships with these guys without knowing their marital status. If a woman or man for that matter is collecting someone from home at least they have an address that they can give to a family member or close friend. In my experience single men can't wait to invite a woman over for a meal to show off their culinary expertise. If it doesn't happen then I would wonder why? JMO | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 4:21:11 PM | oh I agree Vixen.....if she has got to know the guy then yes she should expect an invitation to his home at some point but not before she gets to know him.
What she needs to remember is that not all guys are fake and some are geniuine.....it just takes time and patience before the right guy comes along | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 4:30:58 PM | Oh OP...I sympathise, I really do!
Been in similar situations, it's what you get for being honest, open and trusting, and expecting others to be the same!
No one has ANY right to blame you, the strange ones maybe pick on us because we're not complete suspicious ****es, and I'm afraid I would rather be alone forever than change.
As for the man who accused us of not taking care of our marriages, well I'm glad you answered him so well...and not that it's anyone's business, but I'm widowed, ok? | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 4:36:43 PM | Oh dear. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I read your story. Here is some good practical advice for you. Go to Lovefraud.com and read about the sociopathic personality (sounds like you're a magnet for them). Learn what signs to look for, and how to avoid them. You can also share your stories with others who have been there and try to heal from the damage these monsters cause. They are so good at lying that they can often even pass a lie detector test. Sad but true, they comprise 1% of the population. Go to the site and read!!!
BTW, it is NEVER the victim's fault who has been played by a sociopath. They are so clever, they can convince anyone. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 4:51:34 PM | Well HerMajestyUK
You probably already know the answer to your question about why this keeps happening. :-D
You are attracted to them and pick them out of a line up!
Ok, I’m obviously guessing. However, really the truth is that you are physically attracted to the type of people that do this and no matter how much you keep wanting it to not be true... it keeps happening. Since, I'm sure most people can agree that the world is simply not entirely full of these types of guys there must be something about them that YOU are attracted to and that every normal guy on the planet either turns you off or are so invisible to you that they may as well not exist.
It's kind of sad. I bet you can throw yourself into these relationships and love with all your heart and will put up with a lot if you think he's the one. Yet, the million man march behind you of single guys... you don't even know they exist.
There is something in common with all of them. And as you said in, "I must say they all seem to be very different, both in personality and looks and age,” you are just as blind to yourself as well. There is something in common. You just don't want to admit it. It's that one thing you always look for. Maybe you don't notice you saw it but you feel it.
I wish I could just say to drop it and date a normal guy but he will care about you and you will feel nothing back.
Not very helpful is it.
Good luck finding Mr. Right. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:22:20 PM | You mentioned that you figured out some of this stuff because of your intuition. Gavin DeBecker's book, The Gift of Fear, talks about listening to what your body is telling you because most of us, in the name of manners and propriety, learn to ignore what our bodies tell us about other people; we lose the natural aversion of children. One of the things he also illustrates in the book is going back over different scenarios when people got attacked or when someone wound up stalking them. There were things early on that were overlooked or reasoned away that when you look specifically, you start to see how we rationalized our natural sources of protection.
Look over how you met these guys, the first times you felt something but dismissed it as ridiculous or whatever. If you start to see a pattern with this stuff, rather than think yourself paranoid, when your little radar goes off listen to it immediately and do the digging rather than waiting for perhaps the third time the guy does something to perk up your attention. You don't want to change who you are and distrust everyone or be totally paranoid about people's motives but you can improve the whole quicker part, figure out they are a whackjob or okay earlier on. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:23:10 PM | i think you need to learn to be a better judge of character.
next time you meet a guy, ask yourself: "does this guy do it for me", if the answer is "yes", then look at your past experiences, and walk away. you clearly like bad dudes. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:24:40 PM | OP: Maybe you should screen guys differently before meeting them. The criteria you are using to make dating decisions doesn't seem to be working. Also, try to forget about these mishaps you posted and just start from scratch. Listing your numerous failed matches here can appear to be more of an indictment against you than against the unsuitable guys.
Just start over and focus on your screening process more. Perhaps communicating only with guys who have multiple testimonials on their profiles would help you connect with more suitable dates. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:40:18 PM | | doesn t sound like you have trust issues,seems you trust everyword anyone says to you..............sounds like you are maybe too needy,to worried about finding amate..........it s ok to be strong and independant ,think abouthe kids in your life........ | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:44:14 PM | [I am, however, always compelled to say.........."welcome to that greener grass you women were always believing was on the other side, as you complained as to how MISERABLE your life and marriage was, in it's 'ho hum' existence of raising kids, and wishing your guy would 'just pick up his socks'...." You now get to spend the vast majority of your time finding out that what you HAD, just might not be as bad as you thought it was. And I can also surmise that, just like you think the 'perfect guy' is now just going to fall into your lap without a bit of work on your part, or falling for the first 'compliment' that gets your egos all aflutter, you probably thought that your MARRIAGE was going to just work out on 'auto pilot' without some work on your end of how to actually have kept your man HAPPY.....thus preventing you from now having to live a life of meeting the DREGS that are out there, and sitting at home posting on dating sites.]
You need to get grip there buddy. You have some real hatred built up there. I for am divorced but it sure as hell wasn't because he wouldn't pick up his socks and I wasn't on autopilot. I worked very hard trying to make my marriage work...he didn't. So, maybe you need to try not to lump us all in the same boat as your ex. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:46:32 PM |
(OP) and now the latest a**hole! a 42yr old Scottish guy, knows people I know and seemed as genuine as they come. Couldn't see enough of me. Listed me on facebook as his partner, sent me song after song that so say said how he was feeling about me. Picked me up from work for lunch. Met my kids, my parents, my sister......
.and then he kicked me off of it without a parachute! The phone call came hours after he'd left mine for most of the weekend to say, 'Sorry it's over, I should have told you I already have a partner, Bye.. click"
Did you ever go to his home? It sounds like you were together for a while.
In msg 13 you wrote,
But my question still lies.. what checks can be done to ensure someone is who they say they are? What information do you insist on getting before meeting someone? In an environment where it's so easy for someone to be deceitful, how do you really know you're not being fed another bunch of porkies??
Frequently I read about women being led on by a guy. "I didn't know he was married. I didn't know he had a girlfriend. I didn't know he was a "bad boy".
After meeting someone and establishing if there is chemistry why do folks not go to the individual's home? I don't mean the same day but after having met and been on a date why do they not spend time at the person's home seeing how they live?
If one has children and can't get away for a weekend plan to have some dinners at each others home. The best way to learn about someone is by being in their home.
Are there women's articles there? Is someone calling all evening? Does he try to hide/disguise phone calls?
This idea of going on dates and trying to find out about someone is really futile. It's like trying to determine what our co-workers are like. People spend 8 hours a day together and have no idea what the other person's home life is like.
There is only one way and that's by going to their home and spending time in their home doing what couples normally do. How can one determine if a person is suitable without doing what they will be doing when in a relationship?
It's the Monday mornings getting ready for work, the Wednesday nights coming home after a tough day, the Saturday housekeeping......it's not about restaurants and museums and parks and movie theaters and golf and all the other things people claim they have to do in order to get to know someone. They will not know them. At least not in the way they need to know them if they're interested in a relationship.
If they're seeking a buddy, a pal, a sidekick for outings......sure, dating is great. Otherwise, dating is not going to tell you what you need to know. Going to a club is going to tell you what the person is like in club. Or going to a restaurant or going golfing is going to show you what the person is like in a restaurant or on the golf course.
If that's where the majority of the relationship will tale place, great. If not, then not so great. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:47:30 PM | Just start over and focus on your screening process more. Perhaps communicating only with guys who have multiple testimonials on their profiles would help you connect with more suitable dates.
Well I did ask guys I knew that had worked with him for 3 years about him and got the thumbs up!
As for testimonials on here, I've never really known how to take those... | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:50:07 PM |
[I am, however, always compelled to say.........."welcome to that greener grass you women were always believing was on the other side, as you complained as to how MISERABLE your life and marriage was, in it's 'ho hum' existence of raising kids, and wishing your guy would 'just pick up his socks'...." You now get to spend the vast majority of your time finding out that what you HAD, just might not be as bad as you thought it was. And I can also surmise that, just like you think the 'perfect guy' is now just going to fall into your lap without a bit of work on your part, or falling for the first 'compliment' that gets your egos all aflutter, you probably thought that your MARRIAGE was going to just work out on 'auto pilot' without some work on your end of how to actually have kept your man HAPPY.....thus preventing you from now having to live a life of meeting the DREGS that are out there, and sitting at home posting on dating sites.
To ***piano4te*** You need to get grip there buddy. You have some real hatred built up there. I for one am divorced but it sure as hell wasn't because he wouldn't pick up his socks and I wasn't on autopilot. I worked very hard trying to make my marriage work...he didn't. So, maybe you need to try not to lump us all in the same boat as your ex.
PS...If a person isn't happy with themselves theres no way another person is going to make him or her happy. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:50:35 PM | It's a subconscious thing. You fail with each relationship and subconsciously. you expect to fail again. Your subconscience can be your best friend and your worst enemy. Make it your best friend.
The one hardcore feminist who posted earlier, fantastic. I mean, who wouldn't want to date a woman who always blames the man for screwing up the relationship? These men were screw ups, but OP, it's your fault for choosing them. Here's a great quote from a movie called "Mr. Woodcock" starring Seann William Scott, Susan Sarandon, and Billy Bob Thornton:
"If you're going to make a blame sandwich, you have to be prepared to eat it yourself."
The movie is a comedy, but that quote makes a whole lot of sense. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:56:34 PM | | I am in no way trying to sound mean or condescending in this post, but in reference to your name her majesty, you must think very highly of yourself and that is a very good thing. At the same time, you should be very careful of guys who come on ridiculously strong too early. Guys who seem too eager. Men who think very highly of themselves and are looking for only the best will be a little more apprehensive and reserved like me, and this hopefully will not be looked at as a deterrent. The player types want what they want immediately and will grab and beg for their meat. The reserved man should always be looked at as a less threatning character. If you think of yourself very highly, you should`know`more what you are looking for, and hopefully it is not predominantly superficial because if it is, you may be reliving a lot more of these discouraging and saddening situations. I do agree with you that all of this is completely discouraging, after just one dissapointing online date I need months and months healing time. So it all depends on you. What you need, how much you give and expect and how many more times you can just keep going and trying until one day you may wake up and realize, hey life is awesome, I think I'll just stay single for a while, develop my own singular life and experiences. Do lots and lots of things you wouldn't or couldn't normally do with a boyfriend or husband, you just might enjoy it and develop your personality and attract a better mate. That is if you really want one. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 5:58:31 PM | OP,
You are picking these men for some reason. You have what I call a "broken picker". What you need to do is ask some girl friend who has a great husband to pick out someone for you.
This reminds me of a Seinfeld episode where George says everything he does is wrong so Jerry says "just do the opposite". Maybe this applies to you. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 6:00:56 PM | yes, but it would have been nice to know it was a snake before I picked it up...
another great quote!
Number one.. I haven't failed with each relationship. I have been in 2 very long relationships, each over 7 years. The latter of those coming to an end by my husbands indiscretion.
If I expected to fail again I certainly wouldn't still be here and putting myself through this crap, cos believe me, it's not fun!
Someone said to me earlier, it's a numbers game and you just have to get through all the sh*t to get to the diamond.. well I hope it's a bloody big gem!! 
Others tell me, stop looking and you'll find him... oh yeh, can see that.. there I will be, walking along, not looking, walk straight into a lamp post, fall flat on my ass, look like a racoon from the black eyes and a boxer from the bloody nose, rolling around on the floor like a drunk out on a saturday night, and then Mr Right will be right there, walking past, take one look at me and say Urghh.. what a state!!
And it's not about being needy. I've met people who were very needy of a relationship themselves that tried to be so full on from day one I found it a turn off.
Here's two of my 'pieces of work' for you to mull over.. The first was written last christmas...
It's almost been three years
And I never thought I'd still be here
Once again feeling loneliness
Instead of Christmas cheer
I tried going to the pubs and clubs
But it wasn't my thing
The only men I seemed to meet
Were hiding their wedding ring
So then I tried the Internet
To try and find my mate
But all I found were players
Instead of one to date
I met one who brought a stethoscope
and slapped it on my chest
'to see how excited I was to meet him'
as he tried to grope my breast
Another who told me all the lines
he thought I'd like to hear
He turned out to be a conman
and was imprisoned for half a year
Add to that an alcoholic,
a liar, a cheat and a pimp
Then one who could never protect me
Because he was such a wimp
So after a while I thought it best
to try some pastures new
So to the car club I then turned
to find my love so true
You'd think with common interests
my quest would soon complete
As I travelled round the country
Going from meet to meet
Yet still I sit in silence
Feeling quite alone
No-one knocking at my door
Or calling on the phone
I don't know what else to do
I'm doing everything I can
But what is it going to take
For me to meet a normal man?
and the other.....Mr Needy himself...
I don't know how to say this
so I'll write a few things down
I'm supposed to make you smile
But I'm going to make you frown
You're super sweet, a real nice guy
but not the one for me
I can't pretend there's something there
It's just not meant to be
I know I'm going to hurt you
As I know you're wanting more
And as much as I want someone there
I've got to shut this door
Please don't be unhappy
Please don't start feeling sad
Please don't say those nasty things
To make me feel bad
It's not about rejection
It's about finding Mr Right
and I'd like to stay in contact
There's no reason for us to fight
And it's not about confusion
I know what I'm looking for
I'm not prepared to settle for less
So please get up off the floor
I don't want to see you begging
I don't want to hear you plead
I'm looking for the man I want
and NOT the man you think I need
The one who makes me feel alive
who makes me feel complete
For God sake you're still on your knees
Please get up on your feet
I don't want to upset you
But just know this to be true
If I can't love you like you love me
Then I'm not the one for you | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 6:03:16 PM | | People actually get dates on here? Wow... This site is turning into a big waste of time. "I'm kind of seeing someone now" has become the theme of my experience on this site. Like make up your effin' minds! | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 6:05:10 PM |
I am in no way trying to sound mean or condescending in this post, but in reference to your name her majesty, you must think very highly of yourself and that is a very good thing.
ok...(said in best Tommy Cooper voice) lemme tell you a story....
The name Her Majesty came from when I lived in the States. 17 years ago before the internet was wide and vast, people used Bulletin Board Systems. I used to run one. Bearing in mind I was from England, my board was called Windsor Castle... and as such, the most fitting name for me as the SysOp (System Operator) was Her Majesty. It had nothing to do with putting myself on this self conceived pedestal. The name just stuck over the years.
But you can call me Maj for short! ;) | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 6:09:59 PM |
People actually get dates on here? Wow... This site is turning into a big waste of time. "I'm kind of seeing someone now" has become the theme of my experience on this site. Like make up your effin' minds!
ooohh you just touched on my BIGGEST bug bear there. If they're kind of seeing someone, get off the damn site! I hate that. When I started seeing him, first thing I did was delete my profiles. Nothing worse than being with someone, knowing they're still on here checking to see if someone better has come along.
If I met someone I'd like to see more frequently, I'd have no hesitation whatsoever on deleting everything. I think if someone is unwilling to do that, then they're not worth having! | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 6:19:00 PM | I would do the exact same thing, delete my account. If I was just seeing a girl, i'd switch it to "friends" instead of dating in my LOOKING FOR section. But I would not respond to any of my mail. If it was turned into an LTR, i'd delete my account in a heartbeat.
It gets to me when things are starting to click and then they pull that line. I can be friends with women, as most of my friends are female, but don't draw me in and then use that line.
Another thing that gets me is when they say "I don't think we should hang out, because he might not like it." What are you 5? Women who won't hang out with guys because they're seeing someone/have a b/f are REALLY insecure and immature. As soon as they say that, I ask them to delete me from MSN and I never speak to them again. If you want to act like a child, I'm done with you. | |
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| Can someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong??
Posted: 8/30/2008 6:24:44 PM | How true!
Most of my friends are male.. mainly because of my hobbies and interests (Jap Cars and playing pool, poker etc) .. aside from the fact that I do find groups of women together can be really b*tchy (sorry ladies) and I don't like that. But I can't say I've ever dated anyone that has been threatened of that.
The only time I've really seen jealousy in someone was when they came to a gig I was singing at.. part of the performance is working the crowd, and he really didn't like it. At the end of the day, as I tried to explain to him, I'm just doing what I'm paid to do. It got to the point after every gig we'd end up having a big row because i'd smiled at someone or something else just as stupid.. | |
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