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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/16/2008 10:02:19 PM | You know, when I read your first post, I thought you might be one of the heroes. Now, I'm not so sure. You seem to care about this woman in a lot of ways, but not enough to get past the thing that will destroy her if you can't stop. You say she was used and abused as an adult. Was she also abused as a child? I'd say yes, but I could be wrong. It takes something really traumatic to make someone think that they are worth so little that they have no right to say no. Once that starts, it takes someone truly exceptional to ever make them think they are worth anything in any way.
I was lucky. Someone found me and, without my saying a word, knew what I thought and felt. I sure couldn't talk about it. I couldn't tell anyone when I was being abused for most of my childhood, or about the boys I had sex with hoping they might actually care, and I sure as heck wasn't going to talk about it now. All I could do was cry...and cry some more. But he kept telling me it wasn't my fault, and teaching me about predatory behavior and thinking. And he said I was worth a lot, that I wasn't a bad person. And he made love to me v-e-r-y--s-l-o-w-l-y--over time - nothing I couldn't handle (yes - he asked first - lots of questions over time), and backed off if he even thought I might have a problem with something. He gave me something nobody had given me - the right to say no. Did it cure everything like magic? No. I did what a lot of abused people do - married someone a lot like my abuser, but even worse. But I don't believe in divorce, so I hung in there through the beatings and all - until he hit my son. I packed his bags and put them on the porch. When he came home, I told him one of us was going to die. I think he believed me cause he left.
I was a single parent for a while. Then I decided I would find a "good man", and I made a list. Ran into an old school mate, and he had everything on the list, and he'd been such a good guy before, and he said he loved me. Well, I don't lie - about anything. I have too bad a memory to remember what I said. But somebody forgot to tell me other people do. Somewhere about year 15 or so, he told me he just married me to have somebody to run his life, but now he loved me. HMMM - no intimacy, so touching, no attention - oh, wait - I did get sex once a year for an anniversary present - no foreplay, no afterplay, and absolutely nothing besides missionary - God might strike us dead. After 24 years, it was leave or go crazy. I'm still sane. I got lucky again, though, because I got to spend some time with someone who was really close and loved sex - anywhere and any time. After once a year, I was more than willing. I miss him a lot, and, after reading the forums, I think I'll leave it at that. Things haven't changed in all these years, and I don't want to go backwards.
Sorry for being so long, but I wanted you to know what it takes time to destroy someone, and it takes longer to come back. Numbers? I couldn't tell you how many guys I had sex with. Not nearly that many, but I don't remember much of anything before I was 20, so I just don't know. If you really care for this lady, you need to do one of two things. Either get your feelings under control, or leave. You don't have to tell her she's bad or trash. She'll pick it up from things you don't even know you're doing. And as long as she gets those signals, she'll believe she's bad. There's a long way from being used and abused to being a slut. You are going to have to convince her that it's okay to be different now - that she isn't who she was then (and she's not). And compare yourself to those other men? That is just rubbish. There is a lot of difference between someone who just wants to have sex, which is what she had, and someone who actually cares. You said it yourself - you plan to keep her. Tell her that - tell her she wasn't "bad" - let her set the boundaries for sex for a while ( believe me, nobody taught her anything while they were using her - if she knows it, it's because she's figured it out for herself). By all means, let her know that you DO NOT just want her for sex!! Will she cheat on you if you both get over this? In my experience, no, but that's no guarantee. I can tell you that I would have given every single minute of the rest of my life to the man who saved me if I could have. When you are convinced that you're part of the dung pile, and someone pulls you up out of it and convinces you that you do not belong there, then actually makes love to you, they go way past being a knight in shining armor. I do believe that, no matter what "other people" think, there's usually something worth saving in most people. Sometimes you just have to dig a little deeper. Peace and blessings to you both. I'm outta here. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/21/2008 11:42:42 AM | | most men would see that as a slut. ive had like 30-34 **** buddies, not becuz i love sex so much but its more to it than that. the **** buddies i had were just sexual foreplay hardly any type of penetration just anal but that was never fun with the past ***holes! it depends on the guy if he sees her as a slut, but if she doesnt do that anymore than its the past. i dont do that anymore so its the past for me. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/21/2008 3:49:26 PM | Alright, let's cut the BS and get to brass tacks:
1) get checked for STD's. The more you do ANYTHING, the more the odds are you're gonna get the benefits, deficits, and whatever else, that activity offers. Period. End stop.
2)It doesn't matter that YOU love her. What matters is, does she love you? IF so, then she had the rest, she choose the best.
Again, end stop. Forget the past. Whenever you see all those other guys, remember, you are the best, b/c she didn't want to stay with the rest. 
3) if she doesn't love you....oh oh. I've listened to too many high milers cheat on the one they loved, to think that someone who spent a life in one pursuit, b/c it came naturally, changes their nature.
That doesn't mean they WILL cheat. It just means, there's a reason they didn't stick with any of those past lovers, and call it a day. No one likes to hear that, but its just merely the truth, based on too many examples of human nature. We do what we enjoy, whether it gives us what we say we want, or whether it gives us what we don't want to admit we want. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/21/2008 3:53:59 PM | To generalize, you have multiple lover for 3 reasons:
1) you want the attention. A person can learn to change that.
2) you love sex...except you could do it w/ the same person. So, you probably like variety with your sex. Is that something you can change?
3) you have an addiction, lousy impulse control, etc. That can all be changed w/ the help of professionals.
So, yes, multiple partners do not have to mean something. As for hearing all the gruesome details...not a big deal if you had all the sex you wanted in life. If you didn't...then yeah, it just like listening to a rich person talk about normal life to a poor person. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/21/2008 7:02:04 PM | 2)It doesn't matter that YOU love her. What matters is, does she love you? IF so, then she had the rest, she choose the best.
Again, end stop. Forget the past. Whenever you see all those other guys, remember, you are the best, b/c she didn't want to stay with the rest.
Unless of course, everyone else...dumped HER....!!!!!!
Hmmm.... Why did they all do that? | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/22/2008 6:34:07 AM | Again, its not what she DID that matters...that's just stinkin' thinkin' clogging the big head that eventually gets in the way of the little head.
Its what she's GONNA DO, that matters to you.
Those with a high sexual drive, can scratch it any way they want to, and it doesn't take multiple partners to do it. You can masturbate, have a few partners you wear out, etc.
So, figure out what itch someone tried to scratch with multiple partners....and then see if that itch ever did get finally scratched.
These arguments about high mileage always end up turning into something like the arguments about pot use:those who do, defend THEMSELVES by defending the act, and those who do not, defend their squareness by defending the logic of not engaging.
But it still comes down to the point: you do, or don't, for a reason. Some find what they want, and grow out of it. Others get forced out of it, or think they found it, and later in life get an opportunity to try it again.
Opportunities never go away. Just the itch.
On a side note: living in a small town, I can tell you...gossip never comes out of nowhere. It may go too far, but it always comes from some kernel of truth. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/24/2008 3:44:00 PM | Let’s be honest here.... A woman who is attractive and confident has most likely had many lovers.... If she is in touch with who she is and her sexuality then it is "a given"...
I can never understand why some men say they want a woman who is beautiful inside and out ... confident ... sexual.... and then question her because of her past lovers (come on ... grow up!!!)...
When you select a partner it should be about the future, not about how many lovers one has or has not had... that is just ridiculous and seriously immature! | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/24/2008 10:25:04 PM | I personally don't think someone's past sexual partners should be a factor if it is all honest and up front if asked about it..............I don't ask. Not knowing for me is much easier than knowing.
I don't agree with the fact that a women who is older isn't comfortable with her sexuality if she hasn't had a lot of partners. I am almost 36 and have only had 3 parthers..........all long term relationships. You don't have to have many partners to have a lot of sexual experience. Everyone has the right to do with their body as they choose. That is a personal choice that no one has any right to say whether it is the right one or not, but also those that have had many partners have no right to say that we are not comfortable with our sexuality because we CHOSE not to sleep with every man that we came in contact with. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/25/2008 12:52:18 AM | I didn't read any of the post besides the original. I will nevertheless throw in my 2.
First, maybe it's because I've always lived in metro areas, but girls/guys sleeping with 30, 40, 50 guys by their mid to late twenties is common. 100 is not eye popping. Let's face it there are a lot of sluts in Los Angeles/Bay Area. I stopped counting after 20 something.
I wouldn't care be particularly ecstatic to hear it, but I'd be able to move past it. Especially if it was her past, she is over that phase of her life, and we were not living in the place where she had gotten around.
However, if this all went down in one location, I would not be particularly happy if I ran into guys on more than a couple occasions who banged my girl. That might cause some issues. If I found through the grapevine I was dating a known slut, that might change things too. Who wants to be seriously dating a known slut. Not I said the Cam_Cusip.
This has happen to guys/girls I know who move from out of town. They start dating a known whore without realizing he/she is a whore until they start talking to other people around town. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/25/2008 1:32:35 AM | I am 27 and I've been with around 40 guys. I am embarrassed only cause most guys don't see this as a good thing. I am sexually confident and get to use my skills on them...so they get the benefit. I think it makes for better sex, personally.
She (and I) have nothing to be ashamed of! Besides sex with someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with outweighs all the past! | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/25/2008 10:14:02 AM | 30, 70 to 100 different partners ~~ WOW that's alot
Who am I to judge, although this seems to be a lot it does say something about the individual (guy or girl). It comes down to a question of morality and the old saying (from my grandfather I think) "that we attract what we are". I suppose if you had this many different partners then it should be acceptable for your significant other to have the same.
My 2-cents only | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/25/2008 3:14:40 PM | Maybe I'm paranoid, but I figure if she TOLD me about it, she's trying to warn me in advance that there might come a problem in the future. It might even be an unconcious thing with her, but for some reason she thought it important to share with me that she was like this. After all, she doesn't HAVE to tell me anything at all about her past, and most don't. So I'd shy away.
"Shimmy one time, she got to wobble again." - Married Man's a Fool, Ry Cooder | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/25/2008 6:51:55 PM |
Maybe I'm paranoid, but I figure if she TOLD me about it, she's trying to warn me in advance that there might come a problem in the future. It might even be an unconcious thing with her, but for some reason she thought it important to share with me that she was like this. After all, she doesn't HAVE to tell me anything at all about her past, and most don't. So I'd shy away.
You are paranoid. I'd always trust someone who is willing to tell me something she thinks I won't want to hear than someone who won't. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/26/2008 9:34:21 AM | How is it a bad thing that someone discloses their history with someone they may see a future with? Isn't that the whole point of getting closer to someone? Its only an issue if you view it as one. If we were all judged by our pasts, we would never improve ourselves knowing that we would forever be judged by small minded people.
Perhaps this was HER way to weed YOU out. Have you thought of that? Its better to find out what you are willing to accept (her past) than plan a future with you only to have something like that tear you apart. I applaud her.
I disclose to anyone I am close enough to. I feel any potential sexual partner has the right to know however some people simply never want to know. I leave it up to them. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/26/2008 11:54:48 AM | If we were all judged by our pasts, we would never improve ourselves knowing that we would forever be judged by small minded people.
I see this from the opposite perspective. If we never cared about a person's past then why would anyone bother improving?
And I don't think that people are small minded for having their own deal breakers. If sex is something that he valued highly there would have been nothing wrong with him ending the relationship. | |
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| men, how do you feel when the woman you love tells you she had many [30-...] f- buddies?
Posted: 10/28/2008 9:47:55 AM | " As long as she is disease free, what should I care about her history? What she has done in the past before getting together with me is irrelevant. "
Or are you just saying the thought of your lady being banged by numerous guys is just too graphic for you to think about?
So maybe not thinking about it is better. If you sat there and considered all the**** she's had in her mouth and **** would you still respect her? If you really thought about what she's done, would you still want to kiss her and have sex with her ? | |
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